Chapter 33
CHAPTER THIRTY- THREE
RYDER
After sleeping a total of zero minutes, I gave up before dawn and stood in the shower, head bowed, letting the water beat over me as I tried to relax my tense muscles. When I was done, I grabbed a towel and stared at the guy in the mirror.
He looked hollow and empty.
Half an hour later, I dropped Hank off with Nell. It was the first time we’d had a moment to speak since my date with Penny.
“I’m sorry my mouth never knows when to shut up,” Nell immediately said, unusually subdued.
“Your heart was in the right place.”
“So’s yours.” She looked at me for a long moment.
“I might be old as dirt, but my eyes work just fine. I know what’s real and what’s not.
For example, I know the sun rises every day.
I know that by seven p.m. my right knee’s going to ache like a son of a bitch.
I know that Hank’s belly is going to rumble within twenty minutes of him getting here without fail, and that two minutes after he eats, he’s going to let one loose that clears the entire living room. ”
I grimaced.
“But,” she went on, “most of all, I know my granddaughter’s sweet, damaged heart is slowly coming around. I know that she’s healing here in Star Falls, and that you’re a big part of the reason why. So please, don’t give up on her .”
“Never.”
Her eyes filled. “So it’s…real for you too?”
“ Very .”
She threw her arms around me and held on tight.
Pika-boo made some smoochy, kissy noises. “Me too, me too!”
With a chuckle, I pulled back. “I’ll be back after work to put a few hours in. I need to get the electrical upgrade finished before the appliances come in next week.” I couldn’t talk about it anymore or I’d lose my mind. I got back into my truck and ten minutes later, parked at Kiera’s house.
But then I realized it was barely dawn, and Kiera might kill me if I woke her.
“Why are you standing out here in the dark, you creeper?”
Caleb. I didn’t even hear him drive up behind me.
He frowned. “You look like shit.”
“Aw, thanks. I did it myself. And don’t you have an early Caltrans meeting?”
“Tucker’s handling it.”
“You think he knows what he’s doing?”
“I wouldn’t go that far.” Caleb shrugged. “But he’ll figure it out.” He gave me a meaningful look. “We Colburns always do, don’t we?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Like you don’t know.”
I didn’t have time for bullshit games. “Just spit it out.” No one could stand on my last nerve like any of my siblings. Especially this one.
“You’re in a bad mood.” He eyed me carefully, and for good reason. The last time we’d both been in a bad mood, it’d ended with us rolling around in the mud during a rainstorm, trying to beat the living shit out of each other.
“You’re in a bad mood,” he repeated. “Because you still haven’t figured out how to fix the best thing that ever happened to you.”
“Tucker has a big, fat mouth.”
“Well, yeah, have you met him?”
“There’s nothing to fix,” I said. And wasn’t that a shitty feeling. “Penny slowed us down. She needs some time.”
“Then give it to her.”
“I am.”
Caleb nodded. Clasped my shoulder in silent commiseration, and it drained my annoyance at his busybody-ness.
“So what are you doing here?” he asked me. “It’s my turn to take the kiddos to breakfast.”
I shrugged. “Thought I could tag along.” I could use a toddler hug. Or two.
He eyed my truck, then moved closer, his voice low. “Where’s Hank?”
“Dropped him off at Nell’s.”
He relaxed a bit, but not much. “Good. Kiera doesn’t need to find out like this.”
“You know we’re going to have to tell her eventually, right?”
“But not yet. She’s just starting to let us in again.”
The front door opened and Kiera gave us the exact same raised brow look Caleb had just laid on me.
“Two brothers at the same time. That’s against the rules.”
“We promise not to gang up on you with all that love you hate so much.” Caleb started to push past her and into the house but she stopped him.
“I’m not in the mood for an intervention,” she groused.
“Interesting,” he said. “You’re at least admitting you need one.”
“I’m not admitting a damn thing. And great, now I need to put a dollar in the swear jar.” Kiera glanced at me. “Why are you here? It’s not your day.”
“Is there a quota?”
She put her hands on her hips and eyed me in disbelief. “Let me get this straight. You’re choosing to spend extra time with the two feral wolf cubs I birthed.”
“Yes.”
“Actually, it’s three feral wolf cubs if we count you , Ki,” Caleb said, and then took a healthy step back because we all knew she’d been kickboxing for years and had no problem using her skills on her brothers..
But Kiera just let out a surprising laugh and stepped aside.
Caleb and I eyed each other warily, then shrugged. She must’ve had her caffeine already. In hopes she had some for me as well, I started to follow Caleb in, but she slapped a hand on my chest.
“What?” I asked.
“You look like shit.”
“I just told him the same thing,” Caleb said over his shoulder.
Kiera looked me in the eyes for a beat before her gaze skittered away.
Right. She really didn’t want to see me more than necessary. Couldn’t blame her. “You know what, I’ll just…” I turned to go, but she caught my hand.
“Don’t be stupid.” She drew a deep breath. “Caleb told me you’re still blaming yourself for what happened to Auggie.”
I sent a glare at Caleb, who was lounging in the doorway between the living room and kitchen. Our resident mother hen in stubble and work boots.
He shrugged. “You know I hate conflict.” He waved a hand at us. “So I need everyone to get unconflicted .”
“That almost made sense,” Kiera said, then shooed him.
“Go away. I’m about to tell my dumbass oldest brother that guilt doesn’t look good on him, nor does it belong with him.
” She turned to me. “Listen, I need you to get this through your thick skull once and for all—what happened to Auggie wasn’t on you.
It wasn’t on me. It wasn’t on anyone who’s still alive, so you have to let it go.
Trust me…” Her eyes were solemn, serious, and anguished.
“Stop punishing yourself, Ryder. It’s no way to live. ”
I let out a shuddering breath. Was that what I was doing? Punishing myself ?
She sighed, muttered something about stubborn-ass men, and scrubbed a hand down her face. It was the same tell I had. We’d both gotten it from Hank, not that I intended to say so. I liked my face the way it was.
“I know I’m not one to talk,” she said. “I know I’ve fallen apart. I mean…” She shook her head. “I haven’t taken a deep breath for two years.”
My heart pinched, hard. Caleb, who hadn’t followed her request to go into the kitchen, looked like someone had just kicked a puppy.
I opened my mouth to say something, even though I had no idea what that something might be, but she shook her head.
“Just listen, okay? Two years. Two years, during which time I cried daily, once even over soggy cereal. So…” She tapped my chest. “Trust me when I say it’s okay to take all the time you need to grieve.
But let go of the guilt. You weren’t at fault for what happened, and you’re not stepping foot into this house until you look me in the eyes and say it.
Say that you know it wasn’t on you, and that you’ll stop letting it eat you alive. ”
“I will if you will.”
She drew a slow, deep breath and reached for my hand. “Together then, okay? Together we let it go.”
“Together,” I said. I knew it wouldn’t be that easy, but I let her pull me into the living room, and as always, was slapped in the face with memories of Auggie.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever walk into this warm, comfortably lived-in house and not think of him.
I took in the large photo over the fireplace of Auggie, Kiera, and the twins, one each on their parents’ laps, taken on their first birthday.
Alex reaching for his mom’s hair, Abi chewing on one of her dad’s fingers.
Kiera looked to be in the middle of an eye roll, and Auggie, the center focus of the picture, had his head tipped back, laughing.
It was a single beat in time that perfectly captured the essence of the family.
And less than three months later, Auggie would be gone.
Kiera had hated the photo on first sight. But Auggie had loved it, and she’d loved Auggie enough to cave in and hang it in a place of honor.
She was at my side, studying the picture as well.
“I was so mad at him for secretly getting this one printed,” she said.
“I’d picked out one where we were all looking at the camera and smiling.
But he loved it so much…” She let out a small smile.
“I’m ridiculously attached to it now. Besides, if I took it down, he’d probably come haunt me about it. ”
Hard to believe I could laugh about such a thing, but I did. “I’m sorry if we woke you.”
She snorted. “I’m owned by two toddlers. It’s safe to assume I’m always awake. They jumped on my bed an hour ago. Abi gave me a cannonball knee to the uterus, and Alex licked my face. It was great.”
I snorted, causing her to turn to face me. She frowned. “Something’s still wrong. What is it?”
“Nothing.”
“Lie.” This from Caleb, still mother-henning from the doorway.
Kiera stared at me. It’d been two years since she’d taken a good look at any of us, much less reached out and touched. I wanted to smile. I wanted to cry. Instead, I closed my eyes.
“Why is he lying?” she asked Caleb.
“Ask him.”
I rolled my eyes.
“He’s in love,” he said casually, like one plus one equals two.
Kiera gasped.
I nearly gasped too but managed to swallow it. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“Deny it then,” he dared me.
All I had to do was say, I’m not in love . So I opened my mouth and said, “I’m in love.” What the…
Tucker strode in the front door just as I said it. “We already told you that,” he said.