Chapter 32
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
PENNY
It was late when Vi called to ask me about a new recipe she was working on. Hearing something in my voice, she and Renee showed up fifteen minutes later in their pj’s with a bottle of vodka.
Grandma and Wyatt were asleep, so we claimed the living room.
“Shhh,” Pika-boo said. “I’m sleeping.”
We gave him a cracker to keep him quiet, then added a splash of Grandma’s cranberry juice to the vodka while I recounted everything that had happened between me and Ryder. When I finished, the sisters exchanged a long look.
“This is where you tell me I did the right thing by slowing things down,” I said.
“Look,” Vi said, “I get that one, you had a little freak-out, which was embarrassing, and two, Grandma played matchmaker—which bee-tee-dub, I adore—and you got upset at both. Understandable. Truly. But I also think Ryder gets huge points for not being scared off by either of those things.”
Renee nodded.
“I like him for you,” Violet said.
Renee nodded emphatically.
I blew out a sigh and leaned back. Because the truth was, somehow, when I hadn’t been looking, my life had fallen into two categories: Before Ryder and After Ryder. AR.
Before Ryder, I’d been in a rut, stuck in a lane I couldn’t get out of.
Now, AR, I’d not only changed lanes, but I was out of traffic. I felt… alive . Was I still afraid of getting hurt? Yes. But wasn’t it much better than being numb? Also yes.
“I like him for me too,” I admitted.
Vi shrugged, like that was the answer. Period. The end.
I held my breath, then let it out, along with a truth I hadn’t intended to share. “I told him I was falling for him.” I waited for them to react like they were watching a horror show, but all they did was smile and nod. “ Falling for him,” I repeated.
Vi patted my knee. “Honey, we already knew that.”
“Like way before you did,” Renee added.
I sighed. “I’m pretty sure he already knew too. I drool every time I even think about him taking off his clothes.”
“To be fair, we all drool when we think about him without his clothes,” Vi said.
“I don’t,” Renee said.
“Renee doesn’t,” I said.
“Oh, wait…” Renee’s eyes had gone soft and dreamy, like she was just now picturing it. She swiped at her mouth. “Am I drooling?”
The next morning was rough. I took more than my fair share of ibuprofen, but my head still drummed like I had someone standing on my brain, whaling at it with a sledgehammer.
Note to self: too old for vodka.
I managed cooking just fine, and also loading up the Hungry Bee van.
But then all too soon, I stood in front of Colburn Restorations, staring up at the building.
Everything would be fine. I’d go in there and do my job.
Ryder and I were still close. The only thing that had changed was the pace of our relationship. All was well.
But myself was a big, fancy liar because all was not well. I missed him. My heart hurt far worse than my head.
“You okay?” a woman asked.
Turning, I came face-to-face with a petite redhead.
Hazel, who I’d met several times now. She was pretty in that girl-next-door way, wearing a tennis skirt and a t-shirt that showed off an enviably fit figure, her gorgeous hair pulled back in a ponytail.
She was eyeing me worriedly, phone in hand, like maybe she planned to call Ryder.
“I’m fine,” I said. “Thank you. And you?”
A small smile crossed her face. Her slightly sweaty face. And that coupled with the tennis gear and battered athletic shoes, it wasn’t a stretch to realize she’d probably been playing her weekly game with Ryder.
“Who won?”
She smiled. “He was easy pickings today. You have anything to do with that?”
I bit my lower lip, and Hazel laughed softly before saying, “One thing about Ryder, he’s got a hell of an armor. Hard on the outside, but it’s to protect his?—”
“If you say creamy center?—”
She grinned. “ Heart .” Whatever she saw on my face had her good humor fading, replaced by genuine caring concern. “Listen, if it helps to hear it from someone who grew up with him, he’s a really good guy.”
“I know.”
“Not that it makes him easy.” She laughed. “I wouldn’t call any of the Colburns easy.” Her eyes went sad for a beat, like she was somewhere else, somewhere in the past, but she shook it off. “They’re definitely worth the trouble though.” And with that, she walked off.
It’d only been two days since I’d told Ryder I wanted to slow things down, and already there was a hole in my heart where he used to be. I stood there drawing some deep breaths, knowing I’d overreacted and hating that. I’d pushed away the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
Making matters worse, I’d promised to have Ryder’s back. I’d told him I was falling for him. And I’d meant both of those things, to the depths of my soul.
And yet, at the first opportunity, I’d used a mistake, a misunderstanding, as an excuse to back off, even when I’d told him I wouldn’t run scared.
I didn’t know how to come back from that, or why he’d even want me to.
My phone rang. Ryder. Staring at the screen, I stopped breathing. I tilted my head up to eye his office window as I answered with a shaky, “ Hello?”
“You okay?”
I could see him, just a shadowy outline, one hand in his pocket, the other holding his phone to his ear.
“Why do people keep asking me that?” I asked.
“Maybe because you’ve been standing there talking to yourself for seven minutes. I’ve gone downstairs and then back up again twice, unable to decide if you wanted to see me.”
Because he’d heard me when I’d asked for time and space and was trying to give me what he thought I wanted. “Are you okay?” I asked.
“Now who’s answering a question with a question?”
I had to laugh. “Fine. I’m working on being okay, okay? And for what it’s worth, I’ll always want to see you.”
There was a beat of silence. I’d surprised him. “Then please come in,” he said softly. “I’ll stay out of your way?—”
“No—” I shook my head. “Please don’t.” I was done holding my cards close to my chest. “At the very least, we’re still friends. Right?” I tried to get another look at him, but he was no longer in the window.
“Penny, I’m anything you want me to be.”
The front doors opened, and Ryder stood there, hair damp and curling around his ears and collar like he’d immediately showered in his office bathroom after tennis with Hazel.
“Hi,” he said into the phone.
“Hi back.”
“Want a hand?”
“Yes, please,” I said, still holding my phone to my ear.
He moved close, and the two of us stood there like chronic idiots, still holding our phones against our faces.
“I was half convinced you’d trade this account away and I wouldn’ t get to see you.”
I gave him a small smile. “And I thought you’d make sure not to be here.”
He disconnected the call and slipped his phone into his pocket. Then he gently pulled my phone from my hand and dropped it onto my cart. “Glad we were both wrong,” he said.
Then he pushed the cart through with one hand, the other settling warm on my back, guiding me inside. When we entered the kitchen, Caleb and Tucker were there, cackling over what I’m guessing was a dirty joke, since they refused to repeat it.
“You know I’ve heard dirty jokes before,” I said. “I even have a few myself.”
“Tell us one,” Caleb challenged.
Tucker clasped his hands together under his chin, the face of hopefulness.
“Ignore them,” Ryder said.
“It has to be dirty,” Caleb said. “The dirtier, the better.”
Tucker nodded like a bobblehead.
Ryder sighed, probably because he knew I wasn’t going to pass up a challenge.
And he was right. “Okay,” I said. “What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?” I paused for dramatic effect. “Snowballs.”
Caleb paused, then laughed so hard he had to bend over at the knees. Tucker just shook his head. “Weak.”
Ryder looked pained. “Snowballs?”
“I said what I said.”
He shook his head and smiled at me.
It made me ache.
Caleb tossed Ryder an energy drink from the fridge. “I drank your green smoothie for you. You’re welcome. We’ve got a crazy schedule today—drink up.”
While I unpacked the food, Caleb regaled us with the story of being stood up last night by a blind date, with Tucker poking fun at him.
Ryder was quiet.
I could tell his brothers knew something was wrong, although they didn’t call him out on it. I knew they wouldn’t, not in front of me. Instead, they joked and bullied him out of his shell. Another tug on my heart, because they loved him.
And…so did I.
At the shocking realization, I found myself standing in the center of the kitchen, surrounded by boisterous testosterone, my hand to my chest as if I could hold my heart inside.
Sounds and sight and my emotions all froze while the world around me kept going.
I could hear the guys—Caleb reminding Ryder that he had five minutes until his meeting, Tucker hyping them up for some touch football game they were going to play later.
Ryder responded, his voice melting me, his words escaping me.
Then Ryder got a call, sending me an apologetic glance as he left the room. Caleb and Tucker followed.
I stood there, trying to catch my breath and figure out how to make my world start revolving again.