Chapter 31
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
RYDER
Tucker opened his front door the next morning, looked me over, and said, “You look like shit.”
Ignoring that, I peered past him. “He about ready? I’m in a rush this morning.”
“I know you didn’t oversleep, not with those bags under your eyes.”
Hank came up behind Tucker, dressed and ready to go. “Ah.” This was in a slightly petulant tone.
“Let me guess,” I said. “Tucker wouldn’t cave on letting you pick what color underwear you put on.”
Tucker didn’t have many tells. If he didn’t want to share something, not even God Himself could get him to. But he actually ran a hand down his face. “He’s free-balling it.”
I could’ve sworn Hank smirked. I stared at Tucker. “He’s commando?”
“We couldn’t come to terms.”
It was then I realized that I wasn’t the only one who looked tired and out of sorts. It seemed wearing people out was Hank’s superpower. “Awesome.” I eyed Hank. “You ready?”
He rubbed his belly. “Aw.”
Tucker sighed, another huge tell. “He didn’t like my oatmeal.”
“Because you don’t use sugar, you control freak weirdo.”
“Processed sugar’s bad for you,” he said. “Especially for stroke victims. I put in some berries.”
“Yeah, not the same thing.” I looked at Hank. “Nell will feed you.”
Hank beamed and pushed past the both of us, heading to my truck without looking back.
“Guess we know where we line up against Nell,” I muttered, then followed Hank, who was struggling to get into the passenger seat.
“You’re supposed to wait for me.” I gave him a boost, then walked around to the driver’s side, but before I could slide in, Tucker was there.
He gestured with his chin for us to step aside.
“How the fuck do you manage living with him?” Again he swiped a hand down his face. “Twelve hours. I had him twelve hours and I’m losing my shit.”
“I pretend he’s a golden retriever. He can’t mouth off, he doesn’t have opposable thumbs, and he’s got the intelligence of a three-year-old.”
Tucker blinked, then gave a rough laugh, shaking his head. “Brilliant. As always.” He sighed and met my gaze. “Sorry. You do this daily. I need to step up more and help you out.”
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine. What’s going on?”
Well, let’s see. I’d started the internal audit process with my accountant, and I was pretty sure someone was stealing materials from the inside.
I worried about Kiera. And yeah, I had Hank living with me, and though he’d done nothing wrong, I still felt raw and exposed around him.
And then there was the best date I’d ever had, up until Penny had found out about Nell asking me to ask her out.
And now I had no idea where we really stood. “Nothing’s going on.”
“Uh-huh.” Tucker crossed his arms. “Try again.”
I blew out a breath. “I made a mistake and don’t know how to fix it.”
He eyed me for a beat. “With Penny?”
“How did you know?”
“Because you’re in deep with her, and I figured you’d do something stupid to mess it up because you think you don’t deserve to be happy.”
“You’re one to talk.”
He rolled his eyes. “I’ve seen you go through a lot of shit and remain steady as a rock. Nothing much has ever gotten to you, except her. You’ll fix it.”
“How do you know?”
“Because you’re my big brother. All my life, you’ve always fixed everything.” He stepped back to let me leave. “Love you, you stupid dumbass.”
I felt my throat tighten. “That’s Mr. Stupid Dumbass to you.”
Tucker laughed and flipped me off before going back inside.
A few minutes later, I parked at Nell’s, staring at the house that was filled with warmth and love and had given something back to me that I’d been missing.
I felt sick with worry that I’d lose Penny. I should’ve known I’d mess it up, that you couldn’t catch sunlight, couldn’t hold it in your hands. Sunlight was only to be looked at, never touched.
“Ah?”
I didn’t take my eyes off the house. “Everything’s fine. You ready?”
“Ah.” This was said with more than a slight bit of doubt, and possible sarcasm as well. When I looked at him, he seemed…worried. For me. Which still felt like a mindfuck.
I sighed. “Okay, so everything’s not fine. But I don’t know how to fix it, so let’s just drop it, okay?” And when I’d started having conversations with my dad, complete with understanding all the different nuances to his various “ah” sounds, I had no idea.
But I couldn’t think about that now, not with my heart pounding uncomfortably in my chest. “Let’s go.”
Hank tried to get out of his seat belt and couldn’t. But he didn’t lose his ever-loving shit—a visceral reminder that I wasn’t doing myself, or him, any favors by hanging onto the past. I helped him out and up the walk.
When Penny opened the door, I stood there like a tool. She was already dressed for work in her usual black trousers and white blouse, with her hair knotted on top of her head and a few loose strands framing her face. And then there were those mesmerizing eyes I could never look away from.
“Hank,” she said with a soft, genuine smile. “Come in.” She stepped back, gently taking his arm, leading him to the couch, covering his legs with a throw blanket and handing him the remote. “Grandma will be right down.”
“Did you poop?” Pika- boo asked Hank.
“Don’t answer that,” Penny said, glaring at Pika-boo.
Hank made a sound that might’ve been a laugh.
I shut the door behind us, then hesitated. I’d spent most of my life following my instincts, which had saved my ass many, many times over. I’d always trusted myself to figure shit out. Except now, with this woman.
I had no idea what to do.
Finally taking mercy on me, Penny tilted her head ever so slightly to the kitchen. I nearly collapsed in relief. She was willing to talk to me.
The kitchen was still a construction zone, so we stood on one of the tarps, her looking at me, me trying to access the right words. And damn, was it hot in here? I unzipped my sweatshirt and began to pull it off.
“About last night?—”
Her lips twitched, clearly to fight a smile, and I stopped, confused. “Is this funny?”
“No, but that is.” She pointed at my chest.
I wore the shirt Nell had insisted on giving me. It was a match to the woman’s own shocking pink one, and just like hers, it read: Stand Aside Boys, The Experts Are Here.
It was an unfortunate size too small, so it stretched tight over my chest and was short enough to reveal a strip of my stomach. And if I was being honest, I’d worn it hoping to score brownie points.
Penny was biting her lip now, unable to hide her amusement.
Brownie points achieved. “I’d pretend to be insulted that you’re laughing at me,” I said. “But I’m just so damned happy to see you smiling.”
“It’s amazing what a bowl of Cap’n Crunch can do for morale.” She gave me a long once-over. I was pretty sure she lingered on the strip of stomach my shirt exposed, but that might’ve been wishful thinking. But she was standing in front of me, willing to talk. Or at least, listen. Go time.
“Penny, I?—”
“Wait.” She grimaced. “I’m sorry. I need to go first before I lose my nerve.”
“It’s just us,” I said quietly. “You can tell me anything, always.”
“About last night…” Her cheeks went rosy. “I don’t want to be that girl who uses a fight or misunderstanding as an excuse to doubt everything, when it’s really because…” She broke eye contact. “She got scared that she’d opened herself up to more hurt.”
Is that why she’d shut me out last night?
Not because I was a dumbass, but because she was scared?
I stepped closer, not daring to touch her, but needing to be in her orbit.
Heart pounding, I said, “I swear, I never meant to hurt you. The opposite, in fact. I wanted to take away your pain. Only, when I wasn’t looking, you took away mine.
” I could hear the emotion in my voice, but I didn’t even try to temper it.
“After I dropped you off last night, I told myself that if, after thinking about it, you decided you wanted to be just friends, I’d find a way to be good with that. I’d take whatever part of yourself you shared with me because I knew…”
“Knew what?” she whispered.
“That being with you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”
I was holding my breath when she let out a shaky one of her own.
“Same,” she said softly. “Which doesn’t change the fact that when it comes right down to it, neither of us wanted this.
” Her face was carefully blank, not giving me much of a clue as to her thoughts.
“I mean, we both know I’m a hot mess inside. ”
If it was reassurance she was after, I wanted her to know I understood and that opening myself up to possible hurt wasn’t easy for me either. Not that it would stop me. She was more than worth it.
“If you’re talking about last night, everyone has moments like that.”
“I don’t see you panicking about anything.”
I let out a rough laugh. “Should’ve seen me after I left your place.”
Her gaze searched mine. “Tell me your most embarrassing panic attack.”
So we were going to open up a vein and maybe bleed out. What the hell. For her, I’d probably do anything. “It has to do with cafeteria food.”
She went brows up. “Cafeteria food.”
“Yeah. I actually gag every time I see meatloaf.” I swallowed thickly. “Even thinking about it now, I’m gagging on the inside.”
She couldn’t have looked more surprised if I’d tossed her out the window. “ Meatloaf . ”
“Meatloaf,” I confirmed and caught her mouth twitch. “You want to laugh at me.”
“I’d never. But what did meatloaf ever do to you?”
I lifted a shoulder. “Certain things remind me of my childhood, of Hank when he was a very different person, of a life I don’t like to think about.”
Her eyes softened. “I see.”
“I’ve just ruined my tough guy reputation, haven’t I?”
The very small smile on her beautiful face made my knees weak. “I don’t know,” she said. “Meatloaf can be absolutely petrifying.”
With a snort, I pulled her into me and set my forehead to hers. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that your grandma asked me to take you out. She meant well. And I should have told you. Are we okay?”
She was quiet for long enough that my heart stopped beating. “I want us to be,” she finally said. “But?—”
I tensed and she pulled back to look into my eyes. “If I learned anything from last night,” she said, “it’s that I need to take this slow. I need to give myself the grace to be a hot mess as I heal.”
Knowing her as I did now, the things she’d been through—the death of her dad at a young age, a remote mom, an ex I’d like to get my hands on—I really did get it. And since having her in my life was immeasurable compared to losing her, I nodded.
“Your pace. Always.”
She gave me a grateful look that reminded me of how few times she’d been given the driver’s seat to her own life. Fuck that. I’d go at whatever speed she wanted, glacial if that was what she needed.
So it was a hell of a time to realize exactly how much more I wanted. I wanted her heart and soul. I wanted her to be mine, but more than that, I wanted to be hers. Whenever she was ready.
Even if I didn’t deserve it.