November 2017
Hi, all, Jory Harcourt here. I know I didn’t call for questions this time because I had so many from the last go-round. So here we go…
DEAR JORY:
What would you say if your kids wanted to dress up as something inappropriate for Halloween?
Jory: I’m not sure what an inappropriate costume would be.
Something offensive, like when I was in college, five guys dressed up like SS officers.
That was disgusting, and we booted them right out of the party.
But I had a pregnant Mary with her husband, Joseph, this year, I had a kid dressed as a giant sperm that shot milk out of the top (God, I hope it was milk), and Malibu Ken and GI Joe.
I think it would depend on the costume and why my kid wanted to be that person, character or whatever.
This year Hannah was Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon, and she rocked the yellow jumpsuit, and Kola was Captain Reynolds, and his two best friends were Wash and Badger. They all looked fantastic.
Sam: Halloween is about individuality, but for instance, one of my daughter’s friends was allowed to go as a geisha.
I didn’t love that costume or the comments she received at the party that we hosted.
But I rounded the boys up and had a talk with them in the kitchen, and after that, none of them made me want to rip their lungs out anymore.
Jory: That was a bit tense, but having a father-figure explain to teenage boys about respecting women was a good thing.
Sam: It’s the only thing that happens in our house.
DEAR JORY:
Are you worried about your children going off to college?
Jory: I’m not as worried, since they’ve both learned how to cook and we’ve always had a ledger system for chores. So we pay them, but they don’t actually have the money, they have a total, and they can buy things based on what they have in their “bank.”
Sam: They are better prepared, yes, but neither one of them understands that letting clothes sit in the dryer until you need them is not doing your laundry. If they do that in the dorms, they won’t have any clothes.
Jory: There are just some extra steps they need to learn.
Sam: Like follow-through.
Jory: People who live in glass houses should not throw stones at their children.
Sam: That’s not how that goes.
Jory: When was the last time you folded anything?
Sam: I’ll have to think.
DEAR JORY:
What is the one thing you wish you could do over with your kids?
Jory: Not let them watch Buffy and Angel and Supernatural so young. I think I might have scarred them just a bit.
Sam: Teach them that sarcasm is NOT a virtue.
DEAR JORY:
Do you and your husband have sex every day? And how important do you think sex is?
Jory: There are stretches where it’s daily and then every other day and once every couple of days. The most I’ve ever gone without it was a few years ago when Sam and I went to Phoenix for a family reunion and he got stuck staying behind while me and the kids stayed home. I think it was a week.
Sam: I was not gone a week.
Jory: It felt like it.
Sam: It was three days at the most.
Jory: It was too long.
Sam: Agreed.
Jory: I think the amount of sex you have depends on how important it is in your marriage. It’s vital to mine, but I have friends who find it a tiny component of their lives. I don’t think there’s a set amount for everyone.
Sam: Whatever you’re both happy with, because both people have to be satisfied in a marriage, and if it’s better for one person on some days than others, that’s okay too, as long as you’re both good with how things are. Marriage is about equality.
Jory: And for me, sex with the person I love.
Sam: Lots of sex with the person I love.
DEAR JORY:
Would you ever have an open relationship? Asking for a friend.
Jory: I myself would not be comfortable in an open or polyamorous relationship. I think it works for some people, and I’ve met many who are truly fulfilled and happy being in one, but it’s not for me. I have never been able to share anything of mine.
Sam: I’m a bit possessive, so that wouldn’t work for me at all. Like, at all.
Jory: Don’t growl.
Sam: Like really, not at all.
Jory: Yes, I heard you.
Sam: At all.
DEAR JORY:
What kind of lie is it okay to tell your spouse?
Jory: A sin of omission is not the same as a lie. I need to clarify that first.
Sam: Here we go.
Jory: If, for example, your child lost the new coat that they needed for the first snowfall of the season, then if you had to re-purchase said item, perhaps you might neglect to mention that.
Sam: No lie is a good lie. Period.
Jory: A small white lie that they, for example, look good in their ridiculous fishing hat with lures stuck on it, would not be out of the question.
Sam: You said you love that hat.
Jory: See? Is honesty really the best policy?
DEAR JORY:
My mother is getting older, and my father passed away about six months ago.
I want her to move in with my husband and our three kids, and I’ve told him and he’s hesitant.
I haven’t talked to her about it yet, but the way she dotes on my kids, I think she’d be thrilled.
We have more than enough room in our house, and I think that helping me and my husband with the kids, who are 5, 7, and 9, would help give my mother a purpose that she’s lost since losing my father.
I have a very happy marriage, and I don’t want to jeopardize that, so I feel as though I’m stuck in the middle between my mom and my hubby and it’s slowly killing me. What would you do?
Jory: I can see your side as well as your hubby’s.
He’s happy with the dynamic of how things are and is afraid that if things change, that he might not be happy.
You love your mother and you want to take care of her, but you need to find out, first, what she truly wants.
Does she even want to live with you? Maybe she wants to travel the world?
Maybe she wants to move in with her friends?
It’s best to gauge her interest. It’s a big move to make, for all of you.
Another voice of discipline for your kids, whether you say so or not, they will go to her for permission, and it will be expected for her to be able to give them direction.
Also, your husband and you are no longer alone, and that can be wearing.
Anyone else in the house, no matter how much you love them, can be a drain.
And what about vacations? Is she included or expected to stay home and watch your dogs (or cats, goldfish, etc.)?
But first, before anything, you have to get things sorted with your husband.
Because if he’s adamant that she not be there, then you have to figure out your next step.
For me, I can’t imagine not having my mother-in-law move in with us if something, heaven forbid, would happen to my father-in-law.
She’s already announced that she’s moving in with us should that happen, and that was met with relief from my husband’s brother, who said something along the lines of thank you, Jesus.
Sam: Tell your husband to suck it up, this is your mother. He knew it was a possibility when he married you. It’s the responsibility of children to be caretakers of their parents.
Jory: I disagree; these are individual decisions but—
Sam: Kids take care of parents, you freak.
Jory: What if the parent was abusive?
Sam: I mean regular parents.
Jory: So this law of yours is only for good parents.
Sam: You know what I mean, and don’t roll your eyes at me.
Jory: After you establish what your husband can live with and what your mother wants to do, then you can go from there.
Also, it’s sometimes hard to figure out what an elderly parent wants to do vs.
what they think you want. Like, your mom might want to move in but thinks it will be a burden on you and your family.
After my mother-in-law made her announcement at the table at Sunday dinner, she caught me later in the kitchen and told me that of course she would never presume and that she hoped I knew that she was kidding.
I told her in no uncertain terms that she better not be kidding because I needed her voice of wisdom, her cooking tutelage, and most of all her friendship in my house. Plus, she always takes my side.
Sam: Always. God. I didn’t think about that.
Jory: Day in and day out of you being wrong. I wonder what that would be like.
Sam: Wait, now.
Jory: I’m her favorite.
Sam: I may need to rethink this.
Jory: Oooh, maybe both your parents could come.
Sam: What?
Jory: Oh look at that, I had no idea you could turn that color of gray.
Sam: I…
That’s all for this time, you all; talk to you next time. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.