October 2017
Hello again, all, welcome to another installment of He Said, he said. I’m Jory Harcourt, mild-mannered graphic designer by day, parent and husband by night, here to answer questions, have discussions, and maybe even get a fresh perspective on something. So here we go.
DEAR JORY:
How do you keep open lines of communication with your kids? Mine are always so buried in their phones, hanging with friends or talking to them online that I see them at meals and that’s it. Is it the same for you?
Jory: It’s really hard to cut out a piece of their day, but I have a few rules.
First, every morning when they wake up, we do ten minutes of some kind of yoga.
Just short poses, just to get the blood moving and the mind focused.
I mean, I’m not talking about nestling eagle, which is one of my favorites, or Thai goddess, but just movements before they have their tea and then breakfast. It gets them moving, and as they gripe, they talk to me, tell me about their plans for the day, school, friends, and then I get more in the van on the drive to school.
After school, if there’s no sports or theatre, when we get home, we all walk the dog together, talk some more, and then they are required by house law to do homework downstairs at the kitchen table and talk to me while I make dinner.
If I’m working late, then we all have to Skype if we can, and if not, the second I get home, we talk.
I must know what’s going on with them, I never want to be called into the principal’s office or called, heaven forbid, by any law enforcement, and be blindsided by what’s happening.
Sam: Not all parents have the luxury to not work when their kid is home, but days off, nights, or days if you work graveyard, weekends, connecting with your kids is a priority. Once you become a parent, you as a person is over. You’re a parent before anything else.
Jory: Which can play havoc on your love life.
Sam: Why? That’s what quickies are for.
Jory: You’re such a romantic, Sam.
Sam: I know. And I do yoga too.
Jory: Does the mountain pose count?
Sam: It counts!
DEAR JORY:
Where do you intend to send the kids for high school? Still keeping them in private school? Are either of them interested in art or music beyond what is taught at their current school?
Jory: We moved them to a new school over on 111th Street and they both like it better. Kola still plays lacrosse and now soccer, and it has a good theatre department for Hannah. I had to find a school that served both of my kids.
Sam: I like the new school because even though the extracurricular activities are important and they grasp the value of art and sports, they are still invested in having the kids excel academically. It’s important for kids to know that they are expected to perform if they want to do what they want.
Jory: I just want them to be well-rounded people.
Sam: Respectful people.
Jory: Yes, dear.
DEAR JORY:
What would you do if Hannah came home and told you that some boy made inappropriate advances or harassed her?
Jory: My daughter has a blue belt in Tae Kwon Do, so the boy that tries to put his hand on her would be very sorry. That being said…her father is a federal marshal. They might never find the body.
Sam: No. You’re wrong. They would. They would find pieces for days and days. Pieces a person could live without but still be breathing. Losing lots of blood.
Jory: Oh dear God.
Sam: What?
DEAR JORY:
For fun, some rapid-fire questions this installment taken from reader emails:
Q: How many phone chargers does your family go through?
A: The kids and I keep ours, and each have one that we’ve all had for as long as each phone, though Hannah’s is solar powered now because she got it from Aaron Sutter, but that’s a whole other discussion.
The Chief Deputy cannot keep a phone charger to save his life. I think he has eight at last count.
Q: Is Sam a Mac or PC guy?
A: PC all the way. The only Mac in this house is mine.
Q: Does Sam whip you in bed?
A: He doesn’t have to; I do as I’m told.
Q: Would Sam want to whip you in bed?
A: Doubtful. Sam likes to hold me down, likes to exert physical dominance, but not hit me.
Q: How many times have the kids walked in on you and Sam getting busy?
A: Never. If the door is closed, the rule in the house is to knock. We respect them, they respect us.
Q: What is your favorite ice cream flavor, and what is Sam’s?
A: Mine changes to whatever I like at the time, though of course vanilla, because it’s the base for so many of my favorites, is always good. Sam likes chocolate. Period.
Q: Why is Sam so growly?
A: He lives with me. You’d be growly too.
Q: Does Sam have low testosterone?
A: Sam has the testosterone level of a 21-year-old—this from his doctor at last visit—and so no, not low. He could probably loan some out to other men.
Q: Does Sam need hip or shoulder replacements from his hard life as a marine and a cop?
A: So far, no. It gets harder for him to just bounce out of bed in the morning, but if there was someone in the house threatening his family—I suspect he could go from sleep to downstairs with a gun in his hand in the blink of an eye.
Q: What would you crave if you ever had the munchies after smoking pot?
A: When I used to smoke pot, I craved dry Lucky Charms. It was probably the marshmallows.
Q: Would Sam ever let a bullet ant bite him to prove how cool and manly he is?
A: Sam has a deep aversion to insects, so no, no ant biting.
Q: If you were a gemstone, what kind would you be?
A: Diamond, of course.
Q: What's Sam's favorite candle scent?
A: Anything that doesn’t make him sneeze.
Q: Who is your book boyfriend?
A: Mr. Darcy, of course. Strong, silent, does things behind the scenes…I’m a fan.
Q: What Disney princess did Hannah relate to most?
A: Mulan. Hannah is a big doer-and-ask-for-forgiveness-later kind of girl.
Q: Who is Sam’s favorite Disney princess?
A: Sam also liked Mulan, plus, there’s not much shmoopie stuff happening in that one.
Q: Do you do the pumpkin-spice thing in the fall?
A: Sadly, this goes back to the candle-scent issue. Pumpkin spice makes Sam sneeze, so I can’t have the smell in the house or on, or in, his food or drinks. It’s pitiful.
Q: What would happen if Sam was to go bald?
A: Since crazy-thick hair runs in that family, and his father still has all his hair, the possibility is pretty slim that Sam Kage would go bald. But if he did, I think it would be sexy, and Sam could rock hats in the winter.
DEAR JORY:
What’s your favorite romantic memory?
Jory: Getting married the second time in the backyard of our house and then dancing to our song…
that’s my favorite. Because the first time was exciting and we wrote our own vows, which was great, but that was for me.
Sam is much more traditional, so the second one felt like the ceremony Sam wanted, and with the license and the marriage certificate, I think there was almost more closure for him.
Sam: I didn’t need more closure, but to be married in front of the kids in our home…that was important. And I like to dance with you.
Jory: You do?
Sam: I do.
DEAR JORY:
How do you get over the obstacle of picking the right babysitter, especially if you don't have access to police background checks, Sam! I'm always so worried that they won’t care for the kids right, or that I’m off having fun on a date night and the house is set on fire, or there's a break-in. Please help!
Jory: This was really hard for me, and I did have the police background check at my disposal.
I think references from friends, people you trust, is the most important part.
We were so lucky, we had Sam’s parents and my brother and his wife plus great friends, so there was never this concern.
I can’t even imagine what kind of non-life people have without family or friends. I truly can’t conceive of that.
Sam: There are some excellent agencies that do provide background AND references and make the numbers of those references available.
I would call and talk to all the people on their résumé, and having people over beforehand and seeing how they interact with you and your kids is a great idea as well.
Also, surprise visits are excellent as well.
I’ve done that with my brother just to make sure he wasn’t working when he was supposed to be hanging out with my kids.
Okay, everyone, that’s it for this month. I hope you all have a wonderful October and start of November. Until next time.