Chapter 3 September 2017
Hi there, this is He Said, he said, and I’m Jory Harcourt, here to answer your questions about life and love and everything else.
DEAR JORY:
On the subject of dating, what kind of person would you like your kids to bring home?
Jory: I don’t care who my kids bring home as long as that person respects them, loves them, supports them, and can empathize with them when they’re down.
Sam: Hannah needs someone who will make sure she gets into the house when they drop her off, and Kola needs someone who gets his jokes.
Jory: Big picture, Sam, not just right now.
Sam: That is big picture. Someone who watches over her, cares for her, protects her dreams, and never lets her go to sleep crying—that’s who Hannah needs.
And Kola needs someone that will bring a little chaos into his life so he can see that it’s worth it.
He also needs someone to laugh out loud with him even if it makes them look like a dork.
Jory: Yes.
Sam: Why that deserved a kiss I have no idea, but I’ll take it.
DEAR JORY:
What’s the most important thing you want your kids to learn?
Jory: To do your best in all things and never stop doing so just because you don’t get credit. Sometimes it’s what you do behind the scenes, the victories you win there, that are the most important. Not everyone has to know every good deed you do.
Sam: To keep their word.
DEAR JORY:
How do you inspire your kids to get good grades?
Jory: I’ve been very fortunate that my son is highly competitive, so getting As for him is a source of pride.
He’s driven to be number one, so I don’t have to pressure him in the least. That being said, he has trouble in language arts, especially with reading books and interpreting them and writing and processing that in essay form.
I challenge him to tackle those subjects first, to get them out of the way, and to think hard about what he wants to say.
And the words, “This sucks, I’m just going to go herd sheep in Mongolia,” have no place at the kitchen table.
I remind him of his goals and the skills he’ll need to get there.
Sam: If he wants to keep playing lacrosse, grades stay up. Period.
Jory: My daughter, on the other hand, is very good at history, language arts, creative writing, and art. She’s had challenges with math and science, and so we work hard at those and I challenge her to think about them creatively.
Sam: If she wants digital privileges, she maintains all As and Bs. She gets a C, the digital is gone until that C is back to being a B. And the Wi-Fi password changes every day, so if either of my kids wants it, I see homework AND chores done.
Jory: The marshal runs a tight ship; I inspire through privileges earned. As and Bs bring outings and cash and prizes. I’m not going to lie; money is handed out for good grades, but half of it always has to go in the college savings account.
Sam: Digital. That’s your leverage.
DEAR JORY:
This question is actually for your husband, Sam. In your job as a US marshal, do you have any subordinates that remind you of Jory?
Sam: If I had anyone that worked for me that reminded me of my husband, I would fire them immediately, as they would be much too tender-hearted to be a marshal.
That being said, I do have people that remind me of my children, who need to be reminded that they cannot in fact fly and that checking in when required is in fact a rule and not a guideline.
I was not put on this earth to babysit grown ass people.
DEAR JORY:
Do you and your husband ever role-play to spice things up in the bedroom?
Jory: I have a friend who thinks that if you’re trying to spice things up, it’s because you don’t really like the other person, and if you try floggers or dress-up, you probably have nothing to talk about if you’re not having sex.
I don’t subscribe to that idea. I think if you want to get puppet show stuff or play cabin boy (or girl or person) and plundering pirate, you should go for it.
Relationships are hard, and anything that helps you connect to your partner is a good thing.
That being said, the one and only time I ever dressed up, my husband squinted at me the entire time.
The whole role-playing thing was completely lost on him.
And the costume was awesome! I was a gypsy fortune-teller, and I started off by reading his palm with one hand in his lap, and I was supposed to end up with my mouth there, but the love of my life was a bit too preoccupied with the earrings and the veil and the anklet. I think I jingled too much.
Sam: You looked like my aunt Genevieve. It freaked me out.
Jory: Not hot. I guess this strays into advice, but for heaven’s sake, if you’re going to role-play, make sure the other person finds the thing alluring before you start.
Sam: My handcuffs are always hot.
Jory: It’s not role-playing if you’re still a marshal.
Sam: Why not?
Jory: I need a whole other column to explain.
DEAR JORY:
My husband cheated on me with a co-worker.
She has since been transferred, and he’s assured me it was a one-time thing that happened in the heat of the moment when they were working late.
I want to forgive him, but I’m just not sure I can ever trust him again.
I’m not sure what to do, because my heart says one thing and my head another. Thoughts?
Jory: If the cheating was truly a one-off and you believe him and think you can trust him again, then giving the other person the benefit of the doubt is a good practice.
But if you think that taking him back will turn you into a crazy person, where you will always be wondering, always be watching, looking for signs of infidelity, or if you’ll be keeping him on a chain so short that you end up stalking your own husband—then that’s not worth your self-esteem or the toll on your psyche.
Sam: Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Jory: That’s categorically untrue. Some marriages get stronger through adversity.
Sam: The power dynamic is never the same. One person can always take the moral high ground and play the “Oh yeah, well, you cheated on me” card. You’ll never be on a level playing field again. You’ll always have a weapon in your arsenal.
Jory: If you can trust again, then you don’t keep weapons.
Sam: Trust is a one-and-done thing in the area of cheating, because you’re always going to wonder why, what led the person who was supposed to be just yours, astray. I can’t imagine that not eating you up alive.
Jory: I suspect it’s an individual choice and depends on the person.
Sam: You’re either monogamous or not. End of discussion. Temptation happens, but you have to think beyond your dick and ask yourself what am I willing to give up for a quick fuck in the copy room?
Jory: Oh?
Sam: I see people at work laughing and being close. When I was a cop, it was so-and-so was their work husband or work wife. That’s crap. Emotional infidelity is just as bad, if not worse, than the physical kind, because your heart is already gone.
Jory: And have you ever—
Sam: The person at home should be the one you trust the most, want to talk to the most, want to hug the most, want to go to bed with the most—all of that. That’s how it is for me. If that’s not the case, or if they show you that’s not the case for them, get the hell outta there. You’re worth more.
Jory: I love my husband very much.
Sam: Of course you love me. What the hell does what I just said have to do with you? I’m gonna stop doing these, you get very emotional.
And that’s a wrap, folks. Until next time, remember to kiss your partner and hug your kids and tell your friends they’re amazing.