September 2019
Hello, all, welcome to September’s installment of He Said, he said. I’m Jory Harcourt, and this month I had lots of different questions, so without further ado, here we go!
DEAR JORY:
Do you and your husband have a separation of chores in the house, or does everyone just do whatever? I am currently putting up a chore chart in my home, because apparently everyone thinks I’m the maid.
Sam: Sarcasm is not helpful.
Jory: I can see if you’re running late and the dishwasher is clean and you think, crap, I’ll just rinse it out and leave it and whoever empties the dishwasher will do it but—
Sam: This is a lot of really boring commentary on dishes. Do you maybe want to move on?
Jory: I hate dishes in the sink.
Sam: I’m getting that.
Jory: It’s important for people to follow thru.
Sam: So, if humanly possible, within the time frame of work, everyone should put their bowl in the dishwasher.
Jory: This is what I’m saying.
Sam: But time is relative. For me, running late could mean that I’ll miss a briefing with the mayor. For your daughter, it could mean the difference between riding to school with you or going with Mindy—
Jory: Cindy.
Sam: Cindy, in her new candy-red VW bug.
Jory: …
Sam: Don’t huff.
Jory: …
Sam: Or roll your eyes.
Jory: Go on with your explanation.
Sam: I was just saying that for Kola, running late could mean that he doesn’t get to ride shotgun, which puts him in the back seat with Harper’s hockey duffle, which is apparently a fate worse than death.
Jory: So he says.
Sam: There are mitigating factors.
Jory: I refuse to be the only person rinsing dishes and putting them in the dishwasher just because I normally have the most flexible schedule.
Sam: Agreed. We can find out who left something in there and beat them accordingly.
Jory: That’s not funny.
Sam: I can turn off their Wi-Fi.
Jory: That’s fair, and that leads me to my next question.
Sam: Imagine that.
Jory: Now look who’s being sarcastic.
Sam: …
Jory: And huffing.
Sam: I don’t huff.
DEAR JORY:
Do you think there is value in having two Wi-Fi passwords in the same household? My husband thinks it’s a waste of time, but I think it can be valuable.
Jory: One of the best things my husband and I ever did was to have a separate Wi-Fi for our kids that we can turn off and on. They have chores to do before they can log on, and also, when things don’t go their way, it can be turned off. Certain people who shall go nameless…
Sam: Dane.
Jory: Sam!
Sam: It’s Dane. Everybody knows it.
Jory: My brother believes that each kid should have their own line so one kid can be offline while the other is online, but I think that’s pushing it. Besides, there’s no way one kid won’t tell the other one the password.
Sam: Your brother thinks his kids don’t do that.
Jory: My brother is deluded.
Sam: I dare you to say that to his face.
Jory: …
Sam: Yeah, I thought so.
Jory: The fact of the matter is that we have separate Wi-Fi passwords, and even another, rotating one for guests—because your cute children WILL, in fact, hit up unsuspecting out-of-town family members and old friends who visit, for said password.
Sam: Digital is something easy that you can control and is a way to assert parental authority without having to beat anyone.
Jory: Sam!
Sam: What? It is. Your people may be pissed at you, but they’ve sustained no bodily injuries.
Jory: Ohmygod.
Sam: I control the information highway in and out of my castle.
Jory: I’m surprised you didn’t laugh manically at the—oh no…there it is.
Sam: Two passwords is the only way to go. Now come here, the king wants a kiss.
Jory: I think you’ve taken this castle thing a bit…too…
Sam: You were saying?
Jory: Don’t gloat. It’s not a good look on you.
DEAR JORY:
Out of the blue, my husband’s ex is now working with him. I don’t like it, I’m not comfortable, but I also don’t want my husband to think I don’t trust him. I do trust him. I don’t trust her. What should I do?
Jory: The first thing you need to do is to have a sit-down with your husband and share with him how you’re feeling. Second—
Sam: So this is a do-as-I-say-and-not-as-I-do thing, huh?
Jory: What are you talking about?
Sam: I mean that you took on Aaron Sutter as a client without asking me.
Jory: What? When?
Sam: Years ago when we got back from Hawai’i, you took Aaron Sutter on as a client without even talking to me about it, and this was right after he hit on you before I got to the resort.
Jory: I—you never told me that bothered you.
Sam: There I was, feeling like he could be a better provider, and—
Jory: Are you serious? It’s Aaron!
Sam: Don’t sound so indignant, because yeah, now it’s Aaron, who I like and who I have no problem with because I can see with my own eyes how he looks at his husband. But back then, before there was a Duncan in his life—I didn’t like it.
Jory: I didn’t know.
Sam: You should have asked.
Jory: You’re right.
Sam: The worst part was that you didn’t think twice about it.
Jory: No, I didn’t, and my only response is because I knew he was different.
Sam: But I had no idea.
Jory: Okay.
Sam: Just because you know something, doesn’t mean I do unless you tell me.
Jory: Yes.
Sam: And then, down the road, you took a van from him.
Jory: I’m so sorry. It never occurred to me that it would bother you, because I knew me, right? I knew what I would and wouldn’t do. You’re the only man I see.
Sam: Yes, I know that. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t bother me. He’s a rich handsome man who could have made your life a lot easier.
Jory: You think Aaron is handsome?
Sam: Oh for crissakes, how did I know that you were gonna fixate on that?
Jory: I just—I had no idea you thought Aaron Sutter was so hot.
Sam: When did I—just…listen. This is exactly what I’m talking about, and this right here illustrates perfectly the question that’s being posed to you.
Jory: Like on a scale of one to ten, would you say that—
Sam: So help me God if you don’t stop—
Jory: Just gimme a number.
Sam: The answer to the question is that you talk to your spouse, and if it bugs them, you try and change your working situation, and if that’s not possible, then you invite the ex and your current significant other to share a meal—include the new person in their life as well—and you all sit down and talk and keep the air clear so nobody has any misgivings or issues.
Transparency is best in all things except clothing.
Jory: You’re right.
Sam: How did that feel coming out of your mouth?
Jory: Horrible.
Sam: I bet.
Jory: So, for the record, I didn’t think all those years ago, and I am sorry.
Sam: Since I forgave you a long time ago, I accept your apology. And time has proven what a good man Aaron Sutter is.
Jory: And he loves our kids.
Sam: He does. Yes.
Jory: But mostly, he worships Duncan. It’s really kind of gross.
Sam: Agreed.
Jory: But you’re right, in answer to the question, try to change first, talk second.
Sam: It’s for the best.
DEAR JORY:
Ever since college I have had these two great friends.
When I married my husband, both of them were already married to amazing women.
It was a blessing that all our spouses got along and that we gelled with all of them.
It was perfect. We were all perfect together as we lived through losing parents, becoming parents, and all the many milestones as a group.
What I didn’t know was that one of my friends was cheating on his wife.
The thing is, though, that he didn’t just pick anyone to fool around with, he fell in love.
So now we have my buddy bringing his fiancée, soon-to-be second wife to dinner, and his ex-wife bringing a new guy to game night.
It’s been crazy. The formerly married couple hates each other now as they deal with the effect of their divorce on their kids and separating property and time with us.
The four of us are attempting to navigate the new situation, but it’s taking its toll.
I would appreciate any insight you might have.
Jory: I don’t see any way around a very long, drawn-out talk.
Since your divorced friends don’t get along, if you want them both in your life, you’re going to have to make time for both couples.
They need support and love, they need to be nice to each other for the sake of their kids, and they need to know that you’re there for them equally and without judgment.
Sam: Uh, no. There is judgment, and it’s for the nice lady who got cheated on. Her scumbag, douchebag ex gets to go find new friends.
Jory: Sam—
Sam: No. He cheated on her AND he gets to keep his circle of friends intact? I call bullshit.
Jory: Sam, there should be room for both of them in the lives of their friends.
Sam: No. He was in the wrong, so guess what; he gets to go make new friends. And maybe his new fiancée has awesome friends, but I doubt it.
Jory: Why?
Sam: She’s a cheater too. She knew she was sleeping with a married man, and either her friends were, like, we hate what you’re doing but we love you, so we’ll support your decision or they didn’t give a shit.
Jory: Or they didn’t know.
Sam: I call bullshit on that because we both know, your friends always figure that shit out.
Jory: Okay, so we’re going with one of those two scenarios.
Sam: Which means that they knew and were supportive or knew and were, like, screw the wife, she’s an idiot and gets what she deserves. Neither of those options are people I want to spend a second with. So it’s likely that Mr. Cheater doesn’t want to hang with his new woman’s pals.
Jory: What if his wife was horrible and didn’t show him any love and…and…she…
Sam: I can see your brain working.
Jory: Yeah, fine.
Sam: If he was miserable, then he asks his wife for a divorce. And she’s upset and heart-broken, but it’s clean. It’s done and over, and then, and only then, does he date.
Jory: Agreed.