Head First

Chapter 18

Four dives to go

Hugh raises his eyes to meet mine when I sit down. My heart skips a beat. I hold my breath as I wait for what he’ll say.

‘Well, look who decided to show up with clothes on,’ he says.

I turn the colour of a tomato but manage an eye roll to at least give a semblance of not caring. ‘Shut up,’ I hiss, but I let out a sigh of relief that he seems willing to go back to our normal back-and-forth. Maybe we can pretend like that never happened.

I feign interest in the group conversation. Everyone is chatting excitedly about the shark. Andrew is already exaggerating the story, saying he could have reached out and touched it as it swam by. Most of us have showered by now, and we’re all waiting for the dinner call.

Pippa has had enough of Andrew’s antics and she soon changes the subject, chatting about the day they have planned in Cairns for when we return. There are rules for how quickly you can fly after diving, so most everyone is staying in Cairns for at least twenty-four hours after the trip. The ascent into altitude on an airplane after being under sea level can make people sick – it’s called ‘the bends’, and the bends can be really dangerous. All divers I know are really wary of it.

Every time we descend and ascend in the water, we do it really slowly, with Vanessa and Miguel, and our little BCD computers, telling us how much time we need to depressurise. This helps the nitrogen release slower in our bodies, but with each dive, our bodies absorb more nitrogen, so the more dives you’ve done in a twenty-four-hour period, the more time you need before flying. Otherwise, when you go up to altitude in a plane, nitrogen gets dumped too quickly into your bloodstream.

The rule of thumb is to wait twenty-four hours after a single dive, more time if you’ve dived more than once. But the US Navy says you can wait only six hours, so there’s not an exact guideline. It seems like everyone has followed the 24-hour rule of thumb based on their plans.

Natalie and Derek have booked a food and wine tour in the Tablelands, about an hour inland from Cairns, for the afternoon we return. Pippa has booked her and Andrew on a waterfall hiking tour, which she pressures us to join.

‘They’re definitely going to have space,’ she’s saying. ‘And you can book it from the marina! It’s supposed to leave from the docks around two-ish and will get us back by six.’ She twirls a curl around her finger. ‘Come with us! It’ll be cool!’

‘Anyone could come with us,’ Natalie suggests. She glances at me then at Hugh.

Hugh stiffens. ‘I’m not sure what I’ll do yet,’ he says casually. He glances over at me, but I keep my eyes focused on the horizon. I can’t risk being with Hugh when we’re back in service, when he could so easily google my sister and realise that there are slight differences between her and me. What if he finds her LinkedIn page and asks me about a specific job, what if he finds a recent photo and asks me why my eyes are greener, my nose rounder, my hair frizzier?

‘I’ve been meaning to ask you, Millie,’ Natalie says, emphasising ‘Millie’ so heavily that my stomach drops.

‘Dinner!’ I hear Vanessa call, interrupting Natalie mid-sentence.

Thank God , I think as the group immediately starts to mobilise.

‘Great! I’m starving!’ Pippa jumps up and heads straight to the stairs. I follow behind her quickly, pretending I didn’t hear Natalie’s question.

I squeeze next to Pippa in the booth and pick at my food – tonight’s dinner is rice bowls with marinated tofu – but my appetite has vanished. It doesn’t feel nice to avoid Natalie, and I know I’m being paranoid, but I can’t tell if she is malicious or curious. She seems to ask Hugh a lot of questions, I’ve spotted them talking at least twice each day. And while I’m juggling pretending to be somebody else, the less questions the better.

The conversation hums around me. Vanessa is asking people what else they are hoping to see on the reef. Andrew wants to see a manta ray now that he’s crossed octopus off his list. Pippa’s excited to see Fitzroy Island. As the boat lurches through another swell, and my plate comes sliding towards my lap, I can’t blame her. After a full day of diving tomorrow, I think I’ll be ready to rest my sea legs for a little too – and get off this tiny boat.

I don’t contribute to the conversation. Instead, I stare at my plate, feeling like I’m at a crossroads. I either come up with a plan for what to say whenever Natalie explicitly calls me out for going by two different names, that is, if she even remembers, or I can come clean. If I hadn’t messaged Hugh from our joint Instagram account, then I could have said my middle name was Millie. But it’s too late, I’ve already told him my middle name was Andi. I could say the airline used my middle name accidentally, and I heard my last name called so I went to the counter, but that excuse seems flimsy, especially on an international flight where they have my passport.

I glance over at Hugh. He’s chatting with Miguel. Miguel sees me looking and smiles in my direction, his dark lashes fluttering against his cheek. He is cute. And so much less messy. Maybe Pippa was right when she encouraged me to go for Miguel at the beginning of the trip. If I had, I wouldn’t have to worry about this Millie mess at all. But for some reason I can’t explain, Miguel feels firmly stuck in friend territory.

I smile hollowly back at Miguel while my brain churns through scenarios. If I’m going to come clean to Hugh, it should be tonight. That way I won’t have lied to him for a long time, and if he’s no longer interested in me because I’m not the person I said I was, then at least I’ll know sooner.

As soon as I decide this is the best course of action, I wonder what I’m thinking, jeopardising Millie’s career because of some stupid crush. But then I remember how Hugh’s body felt against mine, and my thoughts circle once again.

Similar to last night, we play another round of Hook Line Sinker after dinner. Pippa beats Andrew this time, much to everyone’s delight. She rubs it in his face smugly, even though he’s a very gracious loser.

Pippa wears Aaron down until he agrees to point out constellations to us, and we crowd on the platform, huddling together while Aaron points out Orion and Aquarius. He thinks he can see Venus winking in the distance, but I’m not so sure. Everyone laughs at Aaron’s attempt to retell a Greek myth associated with one of the constellations, which he punctuates freely with colourful slang. Eventually, the group dwindles. There’s a chorus of ‘thank yous’ to Aaron and the rest of the crew. Miguel claps people on the back as he takes his leave. Our group of nine is starting to feel closer now, more intimate than I was expecting. Pippa and Andrew head to bed. Natalie resigns herself to another face mask after she lays it on thick for Hugh to come with them on their Tablelands tour. She keeps referencing the thing they ‘need to talk about’ and every time she does, I feel my pulse start to race. I’m relieved when she and Derek go to bed.

‘You were quiet at dinner,’ Hugh says once we’re alone.

‘Yeah,’ I say, relaxing into the sturdy planking of the boat. I watch the empty hammock sway above me. I focus on my breathing, in and out, and on the stars and the sound of the ocean waves hitting the hull. I try everything to distract myself from the thoughts swirling in my head. ‘I’ve got a lot on my mind.’

‘If it’s about earlier . . .’

‘It’s not,’ I lie. ‘That was . . .’ I’m at a loss for words. That was electrifying, terrifying, hopelessly sexy, something I want to happen again, something I can’t let happen again . . . ‘Um,’ I hesitate. If there is ever a moment to tell Hugh the truth, it’s now. I try to formulate how to explain it. I’ve been pretending to be my sister sounds a little psychotic.

‘If it isn’t about before, is it about your sister?’

I am wondering how he read my mind when it clicks. Millie’s surgery . The surgery I’ve conveniently forgotten about all day because I’ve been distracted and having fun and only thinking about myself.

Hugh takes my guilty silence as an affirmative and scoots closer to me, wrapping a large arm around my shoulders. ‘Hey,’ he says, his voice low. There is so much to that word, hey . I feel cared for, and seen, and valued all at once. There is no ask for anything physical, there is only Hey, I see that you are sad. I am here .

I sink into his chest, grateful to have him next to me, unable to think straight.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

‘No,’ I murmur. I know there’s nothing I can do from out here and I know this is where Millie wants me to be, but it feels wrong to be enjoying myself so fully while she undergoes a terrifying procedure, and I hate not knowing how it turned out. It feels like I made a bargain with the universe where I got to go do this and I have to find the butterfly wrasse in order to earn it.

We sit in companionable silence. The heavy heat of Hugh’s arm hovers on the fringe of my thoughts. He runs his fingertips gently up and down my skin. It feels like this is the emotional version of what happened earlier, and now that we’ve crossed two bridges, there’s no going back. We’re into each other. Or at least, one of us is into the other and the other thinks they’re into someone called Millie.

I like Hugh. I really like Hugh. He seems like a good person despite his know-it-all tendencies. I can’t keep lying to him.

Just as I’m about to open my mouth, Hugh speaks first. ‘Tell me what your sister is like.’

‘Umm,’ I hesitate. It makes the most sense to give Millie my actual job, so I go for it. ‘She works in business. Operations for a cereal company. Pretty run-of-the-mill.’

‘Hmm,’ Hugh grunts. ‘And you guys are close?’

‘Depends on what you mean by close,’ I say, biding time as I figure out if I should continue describing myself or if I should switch to actually explain Millie and maybe cut down on the lies a little.

‘I like knowing things about you,’ Hugh says softly. In that moment I decide to describe myself, who I really think I am. It’s vulnerable serving yourself up on a platter to someone and knowing they will judge you with total honesty. I’m glad he’s not facing me as I try to describe myself through my sister’s eyes.

‘Andi’s great,’ I say, testing the waters, wondering if he knows me well enough to hear the lie in my voice. If he does, he doesn’t say anything. ‘You always know what you’re getting with her. She’s nice and reliable. She never lets people down.’

‘She sounds like I would like her.’

‘I think you would,’ I answer honestly, ‘I hope.’ There’s a hint of regret in my voice. I clear my throat in an effort to hide it.

‘Does she look like you?’

‘Yes.’ I describe Millie this time. ‘Skinnier thighs and shinier hair, but she looks like me.’

‘I like your hair. And I like your th—’ Hugh stops himself.

‘What?’ I ask, wanting so badly to hear him say that he likes my thighs. My voice is a whisper loaded with desire.

It’s Hugh’s turn to cough, and he does, changing the subject after. ‘I know you’re not quite on the market. I know what happened earlier caught us both off guard.’ He elbows me when he says it, but his voice is husky.

‘Mhm.’

‘But if you were . . .’ I know that he’s turned to face me. A lump rises in my throat. I know that if I turn my head to his, we’ll be close, nose to nose, exactly like my dream. I know I won’t be able to resist kissing him. I know that I should. I know that Millie’s most hated work associate is off-limits. But as I’m thinking all these things, I’m also feeling a magnetic pull to turn towards Hugh, to press my lips to his, to taste his skin, to smell his hair, to run my hands all over his chest.

The magnetic pull wins. I flip onto my side. Our noses almost touch.

‘Millie,’ he whispers, gravelly and low. I ignore my sister’s name this time. When I look into his eyes, I know he’s seeing me .

I feel desire making the tangy sea air even thicker, like there could be steam rising off both of us. And then, slowly, but all at once, he kisses me.

It feels like a lightning strike from my head to my toes. Hugh’s tongue gently parts my lips. His hands find their way to the small of my back and the nape of my neck. He pulls me closer to him, and suddenly we’re touching everywhere. I feel like a live wire. Every sensation that isn’t Hugh dims.

I kiss him back hungrily, like I’m finally getting a drink of water after being stranded at sea. Now that I’ve started, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop. I reach my hand inside his shirt and up to his shoulder blades, pressing my chest to his, and I feel his muscles tighten.

He breaks our kiss to take a deep breath of air, and as he pulls back, I wonder if I’ve ever seen a sight so beautiful than Hugh Harris, with a deep suntan and wind-ruffled hair. A pulse of desire ripples through me, and I feel heat building between my legs.

I’ve never had such a raw physical attraction to anybody before. My heart is racing. I am aching for his touch. My nipples are hard. Our lips collide again, and he bites my bottom lip. My hips tilt towards his, and he reaches a hand around my ass and pulls me closer to him. When he kisses my neck, both of us are practically panting.

Now that I’ve tasted him, I want him so badly, focus be dammed. I start to raise my leg, to wrap my thigh around his, bringing us as close together as possible, just like my dream, when his hand slides from my ass towards my breast.

My chest arcs towards him with desire, like my body is on autopilot.

Stop . A little voice in my brain. It’s not too late. This is not what you are here to do!

I freeze, and Hugh notices. His hand stills, his fingers centimetres away from their target. They’re just barely caressing the bottom of my breast. I want his hands all over me. My nipple tightens. I want to tell him to continue so badly. I want to bite his bottom lip, I want to roll on top of him. I want him inside me.

Instead, I take in a lungful of the ocean air before I say the words I don’t want to say, but I know I should. ‘Hugh,’ I whisper. ‘We have to stop.’ Hugh’s hand is still hovering over me. ‘We’re in the middle of the boat.’

Hugh doesn’t say anything.

‘Someone could come up here any minute.’

He rolls onto his back, still quiet. I know he’s thinking what we both know – everyone else is asleep.

‘We just . . . we shouldn’t . . .’ I say finally, mimicking his posture and rolling away from him.

We both lie next to each other and stare up at the sky, our chests heaving with breath.

‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper.

Hugh reaches over and squeezes my hand. ‘Don’t say that.’ A minute or two passes. We stare up at the stars, blazing bright and clear above the ocean. Finally, he clears his throat. ‘So, tell me about you. What did you want to be when you grew up?’

A giggle escapes my throat. ‘That’s what you want to talk about?’

‘Well, yeah. You didn’t come up with anything better. Hey, why are you always laughing at my questions?’

‘Because you ask things like “What’s your favourite colour?” and “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and I feel like I’m in elementary school.’

‘Well, what did you want to be when you grew up? A mom? A wife? The president?’

‘Hmmm, I think if you asked six-year-old me, Madam President. But unfortunately, that ship has sailed.’

‘OK, so if Madam President is off the table, what about a mom or a wife?’

‘Women can be much more than that you know,’ I say, giving him a stern look.

I watch the profile of his face and see his cheeks scrunch with a smile. ‘Touché,’ he says.

I think about my answer. ‘I don’t want to get married as much as I want to be confident in my partner. I don’t care about marriage itself, but a lasting commitment with someone is something I really want. If I had that, I would love kids.’

Hugh is silent, staring up at the night sky.

‘What about you?’

He sighs. ‘I want that too, I think. I’m worried I’ll be really bad at it, if I’m honest. My mom and dad weren’t so great at the marriage thing . . .’

‘That doesn’t mean you won’t be.’

‘I’m not good at being in love.’ Hugh’s voice sounds thicker than it did a moment before. I wait for him to continue. ‘I’m not good at saying it,’ he says finally, ‘I can act on it, but I can’t tell someone. It’s hard for me. I feel so . . . naked. The only person I told was Sophia, my ex and that —’ He cuts himself off.

We both listen to the sound of the waves slapping the side of the boat. Everyone else has long since gone to bed. It feels like we are the only two people left in the world.

‘I’m not good at it either,’ I admit finally. Something about the stars, or the reassurance of the thump of the waves, or the smell of Hugh’s body wash, or maybe just being in the middle of a huge ocean, miles from home, masquerading as someone else, makes me feel like being completely honest. ‘In fact, I’m terrible at it,’ I say in a small voice.

‘What makes you say that?’

‘It’s just . . . I think I let things with my ex drag on for too long.’ I shift some weight from one shoulder to the other. ‘It ended up that everybody got hurt.’ We’re both on our backs, gazing at the stars. I hardly listened when Aaron pointed out the constellations earlier, and now I wish I had, just to have anything else to talk about.

‘What happened?’ Hugh asks, interrupting my thoughts.

‘I don’t know . . . well . . . I do know . . .’ Hugh waits for me to continue. ‘He proposed,’ I confess. ‘And I knew right then and there it wasn’t what I wanted. And I said no.’

‘Woah.’

‘Yeah, it was terrible. I felt awful. It was my fault, I was the one who changed, I was the one who all of a sudden wanted something different . . .’

‘He got down on one knee and you said no?’ Hugh asks, his voice raw with disbelief.

‘Yeah,’ I whisper. ‘We were at an Italian restaurant. He had planned a big party with our friends the next day. We had to cancel it.’

‘That’s terrible,’ he breathes. ‘Had you talked about it before? Did you know it was coming?’

I shake my head. ‘No, I thought we still had time . . . but apparently he had been planning it for ages. Our friends . . . his friends, were so excited for us. Everyone was so disappointed with my answer, it felt like I lost a lot more than him.’

‘Millie, I’m so sorry.’

‘Thanks, it sucked. It felt like no one understood. My parents were disappointed. Our friends thought Zach needed more support, after all, he was the one who got rejected, so no one really checked in on me. It was the wake-up call I needed, I think, but it was really bad.’

‘It sounds like it was terrible.’

‘There are some silver linings, I guess . . . I’m here, that’s one.’

‘And you’re not the only one who’s glad you’re here.’

‘Yeah. It didn’t feel like a good thing when I broke up with him, but it’s starting to feel better each day.’

‘Sometimes it takes time.’ Hugh pauses like he’s about to say something, so I stay silent and wait. The boat creaks back and forth. ‘Sophia and I were really serious. I thought we were going to get married. My mom and my brother loved her. I was going to propose. And then she fell in love with her Italian tutor and told me she was moving to Italy.’

‘What!’ I exclaim. ‘That’s crazy . . . Hugh, I’m so sorry.’

Out of nowhere, Hugh starts laughing. ‘It’s ridiculous, actually. I felt like I was in a movie. It’s taken me a good year, but now I can at least laugh about it.’

I start laughing too, more out of relief than anything else, glad he seems to have come to terms with what happened to him.

‘Her Italian tutor,’ he says, between laughs, ‘how cliché!’

‘How cliché,’ I agree.

‘I’m worried,’ he said at last once our giggles had died down. ‘I’m worried that I’ll never find the one. I thought it was her, but I was so wrong. I don’t know how I’ll trust my judgement again. Now I feel like I’ll have to start dating and everyone I date will remind me that my last relationship, no matter how it ended, was the best I’ll ever have. Like that was all the happiness I’ll ever deserve.’

‘I don’t think that’s true.’ I shift to face him. ‘But I feel the exact same way.’ It was the first time I had ever heard someone describe my own fears so articulately. ‘Like the universe gave me something good and just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean I’m entitled to anything better.’

‘Exactly. And even if I get past that, I don’t know how I’ll trust people again.’

‘You can trust me,’ I say, before thinking about the statement I just made. If I want Hugh to trust me, I need to tell him the truth tonight. It might already be too late. I need to tell him the truth now.

Lying on our sides, Hugh and I stare at each other. Tenderly, he caresses my cheek with his thumb.

‘I wish you didn’t live so far away,’ he whispers, so softly that I almost don’t hear him.

‘Me too,’ I whisper back, my voice cracking. ‘Look,’ I say, ‘I haven’t been . . .’ the words I haven’t been honest with you are on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t bring myself to say them. I can’t risk jeopardising Millie’s one chance at these fish just because I have a crush on some guy (who she happens to hate). I would be giving Hugh so much ammo to take Millie down professionally – it’s definitely a career-ending move to send your little sister on a work trip without telling your boss. Especially when said sister doesn’t have the proper credentials.

I untangle myself from Hugh’s arms. ‘I’ve just had a lot going on lately,’ I say finally. ‘I’m worried I’m losing my ability to focus on the reason I’m here.’

‘I’m not helping you focus?’ He pulls a face and I crack a smile.

‘Not really.’

‘I like that about you,’ he says after a beat. ‘Your ambition.’

‘Yeah,’ I mumble. ‘I don’t actually have too much of that.’

‘You know you don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re all the way out here looking for it, for starters. And, you’re not on a research vessel, you’re spending your own money to do it.’

I shrug.

‘I mean it. I don’t know why you can’t see it. You are fearlessly pursuing something you don’t even know exists. That’s objectively pretty cool. And you’re quick-witted. And I can make you laugh, which does wonders for my ego.’

I can’t bring myself to look at him. I can’t forget that he doesn’t want me to succeed. I can’t forget that he has no idea who I actually am. I can feel his eyes on me. He thinks I am a person who loves adventure and does night dives and has sacrificed my whole life to do something good for the world. There is no way he would like me if he knew I spent every weekday in a cubicle and every weekend rotating through the same breweries with a bunch of other couples that were exactly like Zach and me. He wouldn’t look twice at me if he saw me in my natural habitat – boring, quiet, steady Andi.

I will never be enough for someone like Hugh – so passionate and exciting and full of pure ambition. An even more terrifying thought crosses my mind.

Millie would be enough for Hugh. If Millie could overlook how much they disagree, they might even be perfect for each other. I hate thinking about it, but the thought draws me in anyway. It’s like looking at a car accident. I can’t look away. Scenes unfold in my mind’s eye, playing out in slow motion.

Millie and Hugh meeting, bonding over hating people who use toxic sunscreen, charting a course to sail around the world, stopping in Sydney and Los Angeles, dropping anchor in Maine and Newfoundland. Never mind that Millie doesn’t even know how to sail, I can see it all.

‘Look, Millie,’ Hugh says, interrupting my thoughts. ‘I know I’ve gotten in the way of your . . . focus . . . but I genuinely do want you to have a fair shake at finding the wrasse.’

‘Since when do you care about giving me a fair shake?’ I tease. The boat rocks us closer together. He flips on his back. Absent-mindedly, I nestle back into the crook of his shoulder.

‘I could be giving you a fair shake right now, but someone said we shouldn’t.’

I cackle ‘Sounds like someone has good judgement,’ I reply, swatting at his bicep. ‘Really though . . .’

‘Well, it’ll be good for me to know when I publish that there was a recent expedition to find the wrasse, and it still hasn’t been found.’

Alarm bells go off in my head. ‘When you publish what?’

‘I have a paper coming out in February. I’m actually going to Boston in April to present it.’

The mention of Hugh coming to Boston makes my heart race with excitement. Boston is a two-hour flight from Columbus, which means in four months he will basically be in my backyard. I shake the thought out of my head and force myself to focus on the issue at hand. ‘And that relates to the wrasse how?’

‘It actually is about the extinction of the wrasse.’ Hugh at least has the decency to start to mumble.

‘You have written an entire paper on the extinction of the fish I’m all the way out here to find?’ My voice is rising. I forget that this fight is Millie’s fight – suddenly, I’m all in.

‘We have to keep publishing to get promoted,’ Hugh says by way of explanation. ‘You know that. Even if we have to pay to do it,’ he grumbles.

‘You have a promotion riding on this?’ I exclaim. I launch myself off the platform like it’s made of lava. ‘This is unbelievable.’

‘Woah, Millie. What is going on? You knew I didn’t believe the wrasse existed.’

‘I didn’t know you had a promotion depending on me not finding it!’ I retort. ‘No wonder you’re doing all of . . .’ I gesture at Hugh wildly with my hands. ‘All of this!’

‘All of what?’

‘Don’t act all innocent,’ I say, half-heartedly lowering my voice in case the crew can hear us from their mid-level bunk room. ‘You’ve been pulling the seduction act on me practically since we arrived! All that ridiculous teasing! Making the others think we’re flirting!’

‘Me seducing you? You accosted me in a towel! You were naked!’

‘That was an accident,’ I say through clenched teeth.

‘Like I’m supposed to believe that. You like me, Millie. I can feel it, just like I know you can.’

‘You know, Hugh, I wish I could say you were right, but unfortunately it’s hard to like someone when they change personalities every five minutes.’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘First you’re combative, then you’re rude, stand-offish, and stuck-up,’ I say, counting with my fingers, ‘and then you’re nice, and helpful, and caring and thoughtful. I don’t even know who you are!’

‘Millie, we’ve been over this. Being rude to each other was our thing. I thought we were flirting. I am nice and helpful. And yeah, I’ve been hitting on you, but it’s because I think you’re cute. You’re easy to talk to. I feel like I can trust you. So what if professionally we don’t exactly match up. It’s not like I’m out to sabotage you.’

‘I’m not that cute!’ I say angrily. ‘You know what, forget it. I don’t expect you to understand. I’m going to bed, and if you don’t mind, I would like a minute in the room alone.’ I turn on a heel and walk towards the stairs, resisting the urge to look behind me.

‘Millie, I can’t believe you think I would sabotage you like that!’ Hugh calls. I hear an edge of frustration in his voice.

I can’t believe I let Hugh Harris get in my head. I have four more dives. I am not going to waste them.