Chapter 19
‘Wake up!’ shouts Pippa, knocking on our door. Groggily, I rub my eyes. I had been so upset when I went to bed the night before that I had forgotten to set an alarm.
‘Millie!’ Pippa shouts, rousing me from my thoughts. ‘We’re diving soon.’
Diving. We are diving. I’m on a boat in the middle of the ocean. In a room with Hugh Harris, who conveniently didn’t tell me he has a promotion riding on the butterfly wrasse being extinct.
‘I’m up,’ I grumble. I’m getting scarily good at responding to Millie’s name.
Millie. I can’t wait to talk to her. In less than three days I’ll be back in service and able to get an update from my family. Please, universe, I think, as I swing my legs over the top bunk, let her be OK.
Hugh’s bunk is empty. I swear at him under my breath for not waking me up. The coffee is probably all gone, and he probably feels proud of himself for beating me to the hot water.
I find my swimsuit – an old, navy string bikini, and shimmy into it in the bathroom. I run a toothbrush over my teeth and secure my knotty hair into a messy bun. I can feel puffiness around my eyes from crying the night before. I can’t wait to be off this boat, even if it’s just to jump in the water.
I head upstairs towards the sound of voices and find the deck abuzz with activity. Miguel and Vanessa are filling our oxygen tanks at the back of the boat. We’re headed to Queen’s Point Reef today. I checked Millie’s notes yesterday – the last butterfly wrasse was seen on Queen’s Point in 2016. This site is shallower than the other ones we’ve been to, so it’s a few degrees warmer. Butterfly wrasse prefer reefs with more depth. If you’ve gotten here, you’ve already done so many dives! she scribbled in the margins. Miss you xoxo!
Aaron is poring over a map in his captain’s chair. Everyone else is milling about the deck. Natalie, Derek and Hugh are standing together, chatting. Natalie looks more animated than I’ve ever seen her, Hugh looks unsure, standing with his arms crossed over his chest. They all turn to look at me.
Natalie motions me over, but I pretend not to see, instead making a beeline for Pippa. It will be a small miracle if I can get through this day without talking to Hugh, but I’m certainly going to try.
‘Thank you for waking me up,’ I say to Pippa.
‘Long night?’
I nod, yawning.
‘I could tell,’ she says under her breath, nodding in the direction of Natalie, Derek and Hugh. ‘Did something happen between you two?’
‘There is no us two,’ I say with finality. My voice is tense. Hurt crosses Pippa’s face at my tone. ‘Sorry,’ I say quickly. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘It’s OK,’ she says, patting my arm. ‘Sunscreen?’ She holds out the bottle like an olive branch.
While I lather myself up, I ask Pippa if she’ll be my dive partner this morning. I ask in front of Andrew on purpose, hoping if either of them is reluctant about separating I’ll notice.
‘Does that mean I’d get to be with Hugh?’ Andrew asks brightly. Pippa rolls her eyes. ‘I mean,’ he backpedals, ‘how could you tear me away from Pippa, a perfect angel, light of my life?’
I chuckle. Leave it to Andrew to make me laugh when I didn’t even feel like I could smile.
‘He’s ridiculous,’ she says, turning to me. ‘You don’t think Hugh will care?’
‘It’s not my problem if he does.’
‘All right then. Who’s gonna tell him?’
‘I will,’ I say defiantly.
She nods in Hugh’s direction. He’s broken off from Natalie and is standing alone, facing the ocean.
‘I was going to tell him later,’ I say, feeling a pit of dread form in my stomach. I hate confrontation, even when I think the other person deserves a talking-to.
‘Later is now, babes,’ Pippa says.
I roll my eyes, but I know she’s right. I make my way over to Hugh.
‘Morning,’ he says softly.
‘Hi.’
‘I’m sorry about last night, I didn’t think—’
‘It’s fine,’ I interject, cutting him off. ‘I knew you didn’t want me to find the wrasse. I don’t know why I was so surprised to hear you had a promotion riding on it. I just came over to tell you I’m gonna be Pippa’s buddy this morning.’
Hugh’s jaw goes slack. His eyes shift to a greyish blue. ‘You are?’ he asks.
My heart beats faster and my chest starts to ache. ‘Yes,’ I reply, forcing myself to keep my resolve. ‘I think it would be best to be with someone who’s not opposed to me achieving my goals.’
Hugh opens and closes his mouth. Finally, he says, ‘If that’s what you think is best . . .’
‘I do.’
‘OK.’
‘OK.’ I walk away. Take that, Hugh Harris , I think. I try to set my shoulders defiantly, but part of me feels like I just made a mistake.
We were a well-oiled machine yesterday, but swapping partners has taken a toll on our rhythm. I’m usually seated between Hugh and Andrew, and this time I have to get up and switch with Andrew, which proves harder than I expected because I’m already strapped into my air tank, which is extremely heavy. Miguel barely catches me in time when I lose my balance, and I fall into his chest.
‘Oof,’ he grunts, as he regains his footing and helps lower me down to the bench. Since I’ve been Hugh’s partner, I haven’t seen much of Miguel, but he’s all smiles this morning, excited for the warmer water.
After my slip he’s attentive to me and Pippa, chatting with us about our trip so far, wondering what we’re most excited to tell our families. Pippa’s enthusiastic and charming, as usual, but I’m having trouble focusing. I’m ready to be in the water, where it’s quiet.
When Miguel gets up, Pippa does a cursory buddy check and is nowhere near as thorough as Hugh. I glance down the bench towards him, wondering if he’s missing me too, but he’s deep in conversation with Andrew. I perform a quick buddy check on Pippa and we both jump into the water. I’m starting to feel less clumsy as I enter. I make a mental note to ask Miguel to teach me the head-first entrance next time we dive. I feel calmer as soon as we’re bobbing on the surface. Derek is bringing along his camera but I hardly care, I’m just anxious to go.
We’re back to descending on mooring lines, hand over hand, slowly making our way to the bottom of the ocean. The water shimmers in the morning light. I relish the familiar woosh in my ears. I’m stuck behind Hugh, who is stuck behind Andrew and moving excruciatingly slowly, and my hand keeps bumping into his. He looks at me and for a moment I think I can see hurt on his face through his mask. You should be sad , I think. I hope Hugh regrets keeping me in the dark about his paper. Our bodies shift as a swell of a wave passes over us. I turn away from Hugh. As much as I want him to be sad, I don’t want to have to witness it.
We cover more ground than we ever have this morning. It’s calming, the constant swimming, and Derek is better about taking pictures as we move, which allows us to keep our pace up. I keep track of Pippa, who seems to have completely forgotten she’s also supposed to keep track of me. She’s a quick swimmer and stays right on Vanessa’s heels. I have no time to turn around and check and see how Andrew and Hugh are faring. I figure it’s better for me not to pay Hugh too much attention.
There are more currents eddying in the water today. I drift through a warm patch only to be hit by a blast of cool water. With the currents come more schools of fish — we swim through a shoal of damselfish, hundreds of silver scales, their bodies about the size of my hands, each one marked with a telltale gold circle on its tail. The fish are unbothered by us and flit so close to our faces and bodies that I could reach out and touch them if I wanted.
We scuba through two large stretches of reef and turn around, ready to make our way back. Just like Millie’s notes said they would be, these reefs are shallower, closer to the surface. They sparkle in the sunlight and teem with life. Even the fish seem extra glittery here, the sun glinting off their scales as they dance around rocks.
Vanessa slows on our return trip, seemingly happy with the pace we’ve set so far, and our group breaks up a little to explore the hidden crevices around the reef. Pippa and I notice a large colony of pink and red starfish, all studded with white spots and spines. We watch them unstick and stick their arms and legs up for a while before turning to look for something new.
I find a cluster of staghorn coral and hover over it. Pippa is entranced by an anemone that is home to two clownfish right next to me, so luckily, she stays by my side as I take pictures of the coral beneath my flippers. I see hundreds of little fish darting around the coral, but none look like the butterfly wrasse. They look like a rainbow of zigzags, black, yellow, blue and orange. When Pippa starts to swim away, towards where Vanessa is tapping her carabiner on her air tank (a signal for all of us to pay attention), I give up and follow her.
Vanessa has spotted a sea turtle, and it’s swimming in the direction of the boat, so our group starts to follow a respectful distance behind it. It flaps its flippers leisurely, sometimes surfacing up into the waves and diving back down. It doesn’t seem bothered by our presence at all. It’s fascinating to watch it swim against the deep, infinitely blue backdrop of the ocean. Derek’s camera never leaves his face. I bet he’s taken a hundred pictures. Eventually, the turtle veers off to the right. Vanessa continues to lead us straight ahead until we pass the second reef and arrive back at the mooring line. Hugh is behind me for the ascent this time, and I watch as he helps Andrew figure out how to ascend without popping up too fast.
When we break through to the surface, Hugh’s mouth is in a thin line. He usually looks so happy after dives that I feel my heart tug in my chest. My first thought is that I hope Andrew wasn’t too exhausting of a buddy – watching him struggle with his buoyancy is one thing, being a partner in his troubles is another. My second thought is that I shouldn’t care. Thinking about Hugh no longer needs to be on my priority list.
As we bob in the current waiting for Vanessa and Miguel to lower down the bucket for us to drop our fins into, everyone starts to chat about the sea turtle. Hugh stays silent. So do I. We are the first to clamber up the ladder, and we wordlessly put away our equipment. I try not to remember how ironic it is that I am mad at him for keeping secrets.
Hugh clears his throat next to me. ‘So how was your dive?’ he asks.
‘Fine,’ I say, my voice taut. ‘Yours?’
‘Fine. So, you liked Pippa as a buddy then?’
‘Yep.’
Hugh’s shoulders slump, but he doesn’t say anything else. I watch him walk away from the bench. I should be happier after just watching a sea turtle swim majestically over the Great Barrier Reef. I should feel triumphant after sticking Hugh with someone less experienced. Instead, I just feel confused. Revenge, however small, isn’t as sweet as I expected.