Chapter Nine
NATE
Next to Ria, I’ve slept the best I have in years. And as I lay here with her lying on my chest sleeping, I gently stroke her hair, feeling calm and at peace—something I haven’t felt for a long time.
Things are finally working out for me for once.
She’s even more beautiful when she looks natural, and I couldn’t be happier than when I’m with her.
Leaning down, I gently kiss her forehead, and she stirs.
I didn’t mean to wake her, but she yawns and then looks up at me, opening her eyes wide like she’s shocked to see me.
Ria sits up and then backs away from me while covering herself with the sheet.
I furrow my brows, watching her act like I’m some stranger.
This is NOT a good sign.
“Are you okay?”
She looks around the pool house and swallows hard. “Um… yes! But you? You should go.”
I exhale, sitting up on the bed. “Do you regret last night?”
She softens and slumps her body. “Regret? No. But it can’t happen again, Nate. I meant it when I said we couldn’t be a thing. I’m sorry I got lost in the moment. Again. I just…” She pauses, and I exhale, nodding with disappointment seeping over me yet again.
This is whiplash.
This woman gives me whiplash.
“You don’t do rockers… yeah, yeah, okay,” I say, getting up and pulling on my jeans with my back to her so she doesn’t see the hurt that must be written all over my face. “This shit is getting old,” I murmur, but I am sure she doesn’t hear me.
“We’re still friends, right?” she asks, and I turn to look at her.
“Yeah… friends.”
“Nate—”
“It’s fine, Ria… but I gotta go. I’ll see you at the filming.”
“Nate—”
“I’m out, Ria.”
I tug on my shoes and walk out feeling completely used.
Now I know what that feels like.
And now that I do, I take a mental note to never use a woman again.
***
As I walk into the kitchen, Matt is making himself a coffee.
He looks up at me and smirks. “Pulled an all-nighter, hey, bro? Should I guess who the lucky lady is?”
I groan and ignore him, walking straight for the stairs.
Goddamn! The fucking ficus smacks me in the face as I walk past it.
“Fucking Fung Shui, my ass,” I murmur as my feet feel weighty, dragging them up each individual step and then walking to my room.
Heading straight to the ensuite for a shower, I need to wash her off me.
All I can smell is her, and even though I know I’ll never have this smell again, I can’t stand the thought of it taunting me all day, either.
So I strip off and hop in, with the water burning my body as I try not to think of the disappointment and usual rejection flowing through me.
Just for once, I’d like to be good enough.
Unable to bear the memory of last night, especially when it’s nothing compared to the sting of this morning’s rejection, I scrub my body, trying to wash away every trace of her.
Once I feel clean enough, I step out quickly, dry myself off, and get dressed.
As I look around—thinking about lying on the bed and sulking—I decide I’d better not spend the day cooped up in my room, knowing Matt will come looking for me.
So I head down the stairs, walking into the ficus again, then to the kitchen to see Matt cleaning up from his breakfast.
He looks at me and frowns. “What’s got you down, Mrs. Brown?”
I raise an eyebrow as I roll my eyes. “We’re quoting Mom now?”
Matt smiles. “Yeah, she was a wise woman. What I remember of her anyway.”
Immediately, I tense as an image of Mom clutching her chest as she sat next to me, gasping for air while I clung to her arm, flashes through my mind.
I sure wish those flashbacks would piss off and be replaced with some other memory of Mom.
“Nate?” Matt calls, bringing me back to the now.
“Sorry, what?”
“Did you just have a flashback?” I nod and exhale. “Shit, sorry. I shouldn’t talk about her.”
“No, it’s fine. I’ll get over it one day.”
Matt nods, tilting his head slightly. “It could happen sooner with some counseling.”
I groan, rolling my eyes again like an errant child. “I can hardly talk to you about it. How the fuck will I be able to talk to a stranger?”
“You don’t know until you try, Nate. I can come with you…” he trails off when he sees my face drop, and I shrug.
“Maybe. I was working on some things with Ria, but I think I’ve fucked that up now, too.”
Matt furrows his brows. “What? Why?”
Running my fingers through my damp hair, I sigh. “We slept together last night.” Matt slowly grins. “But then she did the whole… we’re still friends spiel this morning, and basically the it’s not you, it’s me, thing, so I left.”
Matt winces and slaps my shoulder, rubbing it slightly. “I’m sorry, bro. You think she just wanted a one-nighter?”
“No. I think she’s scared because she has been hurt by that asshole rocker, so she’s automatically lumped me in the same basket.”
Matt exhales. “Ah… the infamous Kade.”
“Yeah, fuckhead!”
“Will things be weird at the video filming?”
Rubbing my face, I answer, “Yeah, I think so. I wish I’d kept it in my pants like Oliver told me to. We had a great friendship, and she was helping me. And I mean, actually helping me.”
“In what way?”
I sigh, looking at Matt. “She’s been teaching me to read.”
Matt opens his eyes wide and smiles. “Really? But you don’t tell anyone. Especially not women.”
Shrugging, I sigh. “She knew somehow. Ria guessed it straight away. And instead of making fun of me, she went out of her way to help me. I even wrote my first note, Matt. She’s been the only one to get through and stop the flashbacks from happening while I’m learning.”
Matt and exhales. “Dude, you have no idea how happy this makes me. And there I was thinking Zaria was nothing but a rich, pompous bitch.”
“Don’t call her that—”
“See, still defending her even after she made you feel like crap. You’re a good guy, Nate. I wish people knew you like I do. Got to see the real you, not the smart ass, conniving idiot you come across as most of the time.”
“What? I do not!” Matt raises his eyebrow and smirks. “Okay, maybe I do come off a little… strong. I can’t help it, I’m fucked up, man.”
“Oh, I know. I live with you. I’ve known you for twenty-six years. I know how fucked in the head you are.”
“Shut up, ass.”
“But no, in all seriousness, and I don’t want to play the older-by-two-minutes-brother card here, but I’m gonna.
You’ve been through some tough shit. Seeing Mom…
” He pauses and sighs. “Well, what happened to you was horrible. You were five… that scars a person. And I’m not stupid.
I know, while growing up, that everyone always chose you last for everything, or second to me.
I know what kind of confidence-shattering effect that has had on you.
Nate, I know you better than you think I do.
I know you struggle. I know how you’ve suffered.
I know I didn’t help as much as I could and should have, but, bro, you’re twenty-six, and you need to think about getting your emotions out.
Talking to someone about all this shit that’s happened in your life because… I’m scared, Nate.”
Furrowing my brows, I tilt my head. “Why?”
“Because it’s fragile, broken men like you…” I observe him, careful to choose his next words. “That when thrust into heavy fame like we’re getting now…” Again, I see his mind ticking over. “They find other vices to cope.”
I curl up my lip. “You think I’d take drugs?”
“I know you dabbled in your younger years, and I don’t want you to be another statistic. Adding Zaria into the mix scares me. Fame, depression, and being lovesick, it’s a toxic balance waiting for disaster.”
“Geez, Matt, this got fucking serious.”
“Because I fucking love you, and I don’t want to see you spiral out of control. Okay?”
I exhale heavily. “Okay. But I swear drugs are not on my to-do list. Never, man.”
“Good, keep it that way. I don’t wanna come home to find you overdosing in the bathroom.”
“Wow! You’ve put waaay too much thought into this, Matt.”
“You clearly haven’t thought about it enough.”
“I’m hearing you, bro. But honestly, I am okay. A little dented ego, maybe, but I’m fine.”
He nods. “Well, I’m here when you wanna talk. Always. You know that, right?”
“I do. You might be older, but I’m smarter.”
“Hmm… debatable. Better looking, maybe, but smarter than me? I don’t think so.”
I chuckle. “I’ll take better looking over smart any day. Even though we’re completely identical in every way, except, of course, for our tattoos.”
Matt smiles, pulling me into a hug. “Zaria’s a fool for not bagging you.”
“Yeah, maybe. I just hope the weirdness is okay to deal with and not completely unbearable for everyone.”
“Why don’t you talk to Zaria before we start filming, try to sort it out like adults?”
Shrugging, I wince. “Not sure she’ll wanna see me.”
“Only one way to find out?”
I take a deep breath. “Shit! I hate adulting,” I say as Matt laughs and slaps my back.
“It’s a tough gig, but sometimes you just gotta be a man about these things.”
“Yeah, I’ll work up to it. Talk myself into messaging her.”
Matt chuckles. “You need some good vibes.”
I roll my eyes. “The ficus isn’t working,” I admit, and he smiles.
“I agree, nor the coffee table where it is. I’ve stubbed my toe three fucking times.”
I laugh, clapping him on the shoulder. “Exactly! Glad you’re seeing sense,” I say before heading back upstairs.
Once in my room, I pace, trying to come up with the right words for Ria. I’ve been here for a while now, running through what to say and debating whether to call or send a message. Every scenario plays out in my head, but none of them feel quite right.
My mind keeps playing tricks on me, and I can’t come up with a definitive answer.
It’s driving me insane when I hear the doorbell ring.
I furrow my brows and sit upright on my bed, wondering who the hell has come to our home. Then I hear the manic laughter of a little Asian man, and my body tenses.