Chapter 5
Our days
I inhale as deeply as I can.
Well, hello.
He appears before me.
The love of my life, my heart, my soul, my only reason to live.
I miss you so terribly. Daily. Every minute.
I wish that now I wasn’t sitting alone in this dirty bus, but next to him. He hugs me and tells some joke, I laugh as loudly and sincerely as I always laughed with him. I run my hand through his blond hair and think about how he can be so perfect.
Tears flow one after another, and although I promised myself that I would not cry, but whenever I think about him, I have no strength to hold back. I quickly wipe my wet cheeks with my hand and approach the dormitory. I stop for a moment and look at it. What Denys would think about it? Would he like to live here next to me? My heart races for a moment and I realise that the answer is yes.
I don't know how it happens, but when I ask myself something and my heart seems to skip a beat, the answer is "yes" and that I'm on the right path. And if the heartbeat decreases, then the answer is "no". I must be going crazy, but I can't do anything about it.
And so does my watch. I set an audio alert every time my heartbeat exceeds one hundred and twenty beats per minute.
I go up to the third floor, open the room with the key, which I share with my neighbour and friend, I hope, still a friend - Lily. I will need to apologise for my words. Although, I think she is already used to such a crazy friend like me.
I met her, Yara and Adele that year when I first moved into this room. They noticed my bruises under my eyes and on my hands and didn’t ask what was wrong with me, instead they invited me to go shopping and entertained me all day. I don't know why they chose me, but I’m grateful to them for that. Although most often, I show completely opposite emotions.
I walk over to my perfectly made bed. Another thing that haunts me with a heart transplant. Denys was simply obsessed with cleanliness, I was the opposite. But now, if the bed isn’t made, the clothes aren’t folded, and the dust isn’t wiped, then I shake like a drug addict who hasn’t taken his pills. I would rather leave my tendency to communicate normally with people. Denys was always a favourite of society, and I was an illmannered girl whom he dragged everywhere with him.
I look at the clock, it's only twelve o'clock in the afternoon. I reach for my headphones, turn on the music and go to sleep. In my dreams, I am always next to him. I feel safe in my dreams, so most of the time I hope never to wake up.
***
"I'm coming," I shout and try to find my clothes, I hate being woken up.
But the knocking on the door doesn’t stop.
"I swear by your mother, if you don't stop knocking on the door right now, I'll tear your fucking hands off and shove them up your ass," I finally find my clothes and go to the door.
Well, what kind of day is this. I try to roll my eyes inconspicuously, but I can't seem to do it.
"I hope my hands will still stay in place."
"Mom."
"Ami."
"I'm not," I raise my head and pray that this day doesn’t become even worse. "I thought it was the neighbours."
"If you answer everyone like that, I'm not surprised that you don't have any friends."
Mom goes inside, and I don't know where to go. Where to hide. Where to put my hands.
"I have friends," I snapped.
"And how many? " she puts her hands on her hips and I feel myself slowly falling to the ground.
"Four," I confidently answer, as if this is exactly the thing I should be proud of.
"Your brother doesn't count."
"Then three, what's the difference." I go to my desk and lean on it.
Mom looks around the room, pretending to see it all for the first time. Like she wasn't here last month, and the month before, and... Eh, never mind.
"Sebastian said you don’t attend classes ," her voice lowers. I know she is angry.
"Bastard," I say quietly.
"What? Amelia, how many times do I have to repeat to you, watch your tongue."
Then I didn't really listen to my mom because I picked up the phone.
Me: I hope you're still alive and will give me the pleasure of strangling you with my own hands.
Sebastian: Tell mummy hi, Ami.
Asshole.
"Amelia, are you listening to me?" A little louder than mom always speaks.
She seems fed up with the whole situation. But to be honest, I kind of don't care. I stopped existing in this world a long time ago. Only my body lives, but my soul has left the boundaries of this world. I disappeared and dissolved among a thousand bright stars that beckoned to me from the first day.
"Yes, mom," I yawn.
"If you continue to skip lessons, then don't count on my money anymore."
Wow, I have never heard such a tone from my mother, she was really disgusted by this situation. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't answer:
"Okay," I say without any emotions.
At least once in my life can I shut my mouth and listen to others?
"Okay?" asks mother and crosses her arms on her chest.
No, mom, don't listen to my stupid mouth.
"Yeah," I nod my head.
"That's all, Amelia Melnyk, you will be without pocket money from today."
I grab my heart.
"Mom," I can barely speak and fall to the ground.
I twist like a child in the womb, continuing to hold on to my heart, which hurts "horribly".
"Sweetheart," my mum runs up and falls on her knees next to me. "Where does it hurt?"
I look up at her with eyes red from tears:
"In my soul," I answer and pretend that I am dying.
"Amelia," mom shouts. "You should have gone to acting school, not to medical, is it possible to be mocked like that?"
I stand up and make a low bow, put two hands to my heart, as if amazed by the loud applause of the audience.
"I don't care about your money," I finally say.
I really care, but I can't give up. I can't retreat. I can't finally pull my tongue out of my mouth and stick it somewhere further.
"We'll talk in a week."
"In a week you will fly here, checking if I'm still alive and take back your words."
"We'll see," mom leaves the room, loudly closing the door behind her.
"We'll see," I smiled.