Chapter 19
A s I promised the girls, we would spend this weekend together, so now I'm sitting in a short dress in one of the clubs, feeling terribly uncomfortable, and smiling at two strange guys who have already joined us.
It's only ten o'clock at night, but the air smells heavy with alcohol and sweat.
"What's your name?" one of the guys asks and points at me.
I don't know how noticeably I rolled my eyes, but the fact that he didn't take it back means that, not so noticeably.
"Amelia," Lily answers for me.
"Amelia's not a talker?" another laughs.
"Yes, she is," I smile.
"What else can you do with your mouth?"
"Nothing special, but I can tell you to fuck off with my mouth," I smile, batting my long eyelashes.
"Easy, it's just a joke."
I don't know how old this guy is, he looks twenty-five, but he has the behaviour of a fifteen year old boy. And why did I agree to this? I could have stayed in the dormitory and studied.
"How about we change this terrible club and move to my place?" one of the guys suggests. Pavlo, I think his name is.
The girls look at each other and then up at me. It doesn't take them two minutes to figure out my answer.
No.
The last thing I want to do right now is go to a strange guys' house. What if they are killers?
"I don't know," Lily shrugs.
"But it's not a bad idea," Adele says, a smile spreading across her face.
Even if the killer told her directly that he wanted to cut her body into pieces and sell it, she would still say that it's not a bad idea.
I get bored, so I get up and go to the bar. Luckily, no one notices that I've escaped, so I have all the time I need to get drunk here alone.
I order a cocktail, then another, and then another.
"Hard day?" the bartender hands me a cocktail and continues to rub the glasses.
He has short dark hair, stubble, and brown eyes. I wonder if his hair will be as soft as it looks if I run my hand through it.
"Hard life."
Sometimes I think that all bartenders are psychologists with higher education who go to work in clubs to get practice.
"Let me guess," he smiles, he has a sweet smile, "boyfriend problems?" Damn, why did he smile, now I can't look away from him.
Boyfriend problems? I repeat the question in my head. No.
Problems with Danylo? Yes.
"No," I answer briefly.
"Then with your studies."
"A hard life is not necessarily connected with problems with boys or with studying," I sip my cocktail.
The pleasant taste spreads down my throat. It's getting a little hot, and I'm only in a dress.
"Maybe I can solve your problems."
I don't quite understand this question or statement. I'm about to ask what it means when someone sits down next to me.
"What are you doing here?" I recognise his voice immediately.
Shit. Is he following me?
Is he planting a tracker on me?
"I have the same question for you," I say, even though my tongue is tied.
"Having fun." He says.
It's hard not to notice his black T-shirt, which has almost merged with his body, and his black jeans with slightly frayed pockets.
"Or stalking me."
"Yes, Amelia, it's a Saturday night and this is the only place I get together with my friends, I must be stalking you," he smiles. "Coke, please," Danylo turns to the bartender.
I can't help but notice the disappointment on the guy's face. We've only been talking for a few minutes, and I didn't even have time to ask him his name. And here Danylo comes and ruins my life as usual.
"Still not drinking?" I ask.
"I wasn't even planning to."
"Why did you refuse to work with me?" I blurt out.
We haven't seen each other in over a week, so I haven't had a chance to ask.
"I didn't refuse, I just think it's better if we don't work together," he turns away from the bar and doesn't look at me anymore.
"Why?" I insist.
"What's wrong, Amelia?"
He keeps asking the same question, and he seems to be getting annoyed. I know when his mood takes a turn for the worse, he calls me by my name.
"If I didn't do my job well or something, then just say, I know I'm not the best person at times, but I enjoyed working with you."
And it's true. He was the only one who made it easy for me to work with, he didn't force me to talk like others do when they see I don't want to. His presence didn't annoy me, he didn't try to appear better than me, even though he obviously was, he just taught me and supported me. Without words, in complete silence, his look expressed more support than hundreds of people's words in all the years of my life.
"The reason is not you."
"It's you, right?" I interrupt him and laugh. "I'm not asking you why you broke up with me, I'm asking you why you don't want to work with me."
"Because I don't want to. That's it. Is this answer satisfactory?"
There seemed to be nothing in his hands, but I clearly felt someone stabbing me in the chest.
I got up from the chair, but immediately sat down again. My head was spinning, I felt terribly sick.
"Are you okay?" he touches my face. "You're all pale."
I am unable to answer. My eyes close and my body becomes heavier.
Someone picks me up, and only after a few minutes I hear all the loud music and the unpleasant smell disappear. Instead, I am enveloped by a cold autumn wind and someone's pleasant scent.
Although I clearly realise whose it is.
"I'm going to take you to the dormitory now."
I hold on with the last of my strength, but I am unable to open my eyes. Everything around me is going dark. I am falling into the abyss. Although I haven't emerged from it in years.
I don't remember how I ended up in my room. I don't remember how I got here. I don't remember anything. It's as if everything turned off at one point and only now it's back on.
"Thank God," he exhales, "you scared me terribly, I was about to call an ambulance."
I rub my eyes, my head is pounding.
"How are you feeling?"
Danylo is sitting in front of me. Can people be so beautiful? I thought only artists could paint the most beautiful portrait, but no. Here he is, sitting in front of me, so damn sexy and hot. It seems as if Zeus himself has come down from heaven and is burning me with his lightning.
"It's like someone put a pot on my head and someone else is hitting it with a hammer."
"Not the best feelings "
"I've had worse," I laugh.
Danylo looks at me seriously for a minute, but then he laughs too. He's cute when he laughs.
"You have a nice smile. I didn't know you could be cute."
"You must have had a lot to drink to say that, darling. But I can't deny that I like you even more like this."
"What are you afraid of the most in life?" For some reason, this question came to my mind right now.
"Not fulfilling my dreams," Danylo answers without hesitation. "Everything I feared has already happened to me." "How did he die?" Danylo asks quietly.
I close my eyes. I will never be able to talk about this topic calmly. It will always be my deepest scar on my body.
"Saving me."
"Once I was also one step away from death, but someone decided that my time had not yet come."
"I don't like that someone decided that Denys's time was up so soon."
"So his name was Denys?" I nod.
"And what was he like, your Denys?" My heart clenches.
"The best. From the beginning to the end."
"I'm sorry you had to go through this."
"Don't be sorry, it's all my fault."
"Not everything is your fault, Amelia."
"Maybe so, but I am the only one to blame for his death."
And with that, each of us stops talking. And so it goes on. We keep going through the same scenario, as if we're getting somewhere, but we always come back to the beginning.
"You said you were one step away from death, what does that mean?"
"It means that I began to appreciate life more than ever." And we are silent again.
"I don't like this."
"What? " I’m surprised.
"The way I am with you."
"And what are you like?" I raise my head and look at Danylo. "Open, real, telling everything, even though I see no reason to." "I know the feeling," I laugh.
I lean down and rest my head on his shoulder. Danylo doesn't push me away, but I hear him take a deep breath. He is calm now.
And so am I.
"Do you feel it too?" I ask.
"What?"
"The peace."
Danylo doesn't answer, but I already know the answer. We have experienced things that many people have never even think of, so we understand each other without words.
I feel my eyes closing, and I'm about to fall asleep. Danylo lies down on my bed, I move over to him and lie down on his chest. I feel his heavy breathing, I feel his strong arm around my waist. I turn my head and look into his eyes.
He looks at me for a second and then closes his eyes.
"Don't look at me like that, Danylo."
"How?"
"As if I'm the only thing you want right now."
"And if you are."
His lips are so close to mine, his eyes are looking at me, and I know that he wants it too.
I lift myself up and sit on top of him. His hands automatically fall on my butt. I stop breathing. It seems that it is not autumn, but a scorching summer. I am on fire. And he is burning too. I can feel it.
I lean into him. He puts a strand of my hair behind my ear. His touch is the most pleasant I have ever felt. My subconscious mind goes blank. I lose control. Danylo's right hand rises higher. He's so big that he can wrap both arms around my waist, and if he touches me where he wants to, I'll explode.
His breathing is quickening, sweat is forming on his face, and he no longer has the strength to resist his feelings.
I just need one kiss. And I'm in heaven. One touch. And the world I knew will disappear forever.
I run my hand over his T-shirt. What happens if I take it off? I've seen Danylo's body before. It is perfect, as if carved by the best sculptor in the world.
He is like an unattainable peak that I want to climb. He is my salvation.
He devours my body with his eyes. He licks his lips. He only needs one movement and my dress will be on the ground. One word is enough for him, and I will kiss him with the insatiable thirst I hide inside me.
But he doesn't kiss me. Instead, he says the words that I would rather not hear.
"I have a girlfriend, Amelia." He rejects me and gets up.
"I have to go."
"Can we stop running away from each other?" I'm ready to explode with anger.
"You don't need this, Amelia. You want to forget him, and you're using me to forget him, but it doesn't work that way," he almost shouts at me.
"And what if it doesn't, what if I want you?"
"Is there even one moment when you thought about me and not Denys?"
All the time.
"You love him, you're attached to him, and I don't want to be your toy.
I don't want to lose the person I love just because you're bored."
"And if I'm not," I run up to him, "what if you are what I need? I see this connection between us, you feel it too."
I want to scream so loudly that he will finally hear me and realise the truth.
"I don't feel it," he says coldly.
And although his voice is serious, his eyes cannot lie. The way he looks at me, it's real.
"Will you ever stop loving Denys?" He has no right to ask me that.
"Will you ever stop loving him?" he repeats, driving the nails deeper into my heart.
"No," tears appear in my eyes, "I won't stop." He presses his lips together and nods.
"Just stay as far away from me as possible, Amelia, it's best for everyone."
And he leaves, never knowing that I fell in love with him. From the first second. From the first day. From the first touch.