Chapter 31
S unday morning started again horribly. I was reading a new novel until three in the morning and woke up too late today.
That's why now I think about all the bad words in the world, because I was late for the bus. In advance, I send another SMS to Sebastian.
Me : I'm late for the bus. Pick me up, please. HAVEN'T YOU FORGOTTEN THAT I AM COMING TO YOU TODAY?
Him : How could I forget if you sent me twenty messages yesterday and five this morning.
Me : Sorry, I don't want to see your bare ass again.
Him : Actually, I wasn't naked.
Me : Actually, I don't care. Get dressed and come get me. I'm cold.
Him : Already on my way.
Him : Didn't you forget that we're having dinner with Louis tonight?
Who will forget that. I stayed up all night thinking about what to say and how to behave.
Me : I remember.
Knowing Sebastian already on his way means that he just got out of bed and is going to wash himself. So I decide to go to the store and buy some food.
The weather changes very suddenly, and I don't like it at all. Although it’s already the middle of December, so it shouldn’t be a surprise if it snows.
Mid-December.
I haven't seen Danylo for over a month. If, of course, we do not take into account those moments when he was waiting for me under the auditorium, and I ran out of it as if possessed and hid throughout the university. I miss him. Like a friend. I miss our conversations, but I did the right thing. He has his own life, in which there is no place for me. I attract failure, and he is the last person who deserves it.
I continue walking, occasionally looking back at passers-by. I look up when a familiar laugh catches my attention. Everything around floats away, only their image remains. Danylo lowers the pram down the stairs, followed by Zlata. He leans in to kiss her. Her hand rests on his back.
They are carrying their child, holding hands and laughing at something.
My heart seems to be pounding right in my ears. I don't hear anything. I don't even notice how I stopped in the middle of the road, as if frozen to the ground.
She gave birth.
Danylo became a father.
He tried to tell me that. I turned him away. I didn't congratulate him.
I open my mouth and inhale as much air as possible. It doesn't help. My lungs don't get it. I'm suffocating.
The whole world disappears before my eyes, and their kiss plays in my head like a broken record.
Tears are flowing from my eyes, and I can't even raise my hand to wipe them away.
"Amelia, what are you doing here?" someone shakes my shoulders.
"What happened? Hey? Ami."
I hear him scream, but I freeze. Time has stopped for me. The whole world stopped. I was in shock.
"You hear me?"
I look up at my brother. He does not say anything more, only helps to get into the car.
"Did you know?" later, I ask.
"What exactly?"
"That Danylo has a child?"
"Yes," he says with guilt in his voice, "I thought you also knew that they have a son."
It hurts to swallow saliva. It hurts to talk.
Son. They have a son.
I knew that Danylo dreamed of a son, he told me this once when we worked together.
"I would like have a son," Danylo smiled and looked at me. I bent my legs under me and sat more comfortably on the couch.
"What name would you give him?"
"John."
"No," I laughed, "don't you dare give your son such a name."
"Which one do you like?" he rolled up the sleeves of his already dirty uniform and leaned on the table.
I looked away from the veins that were now clearly visible on his hands.
"Timothey," I smiled.
"Timothey," he put a finger to his lips, "I like it." I turn my head to Sebastian.
"How long ago did she give birth?"
"Four weeks ago."
On the day when he was waiting for me under the audience with a smile. The day I passed by him, as if we were strangers.
A blow to the heart.
"And what did they name their son?"
"Timothey."
Shot in the head. Instant death.
I sat in the empty bathroom for a long time, choking on my own tears. I hated myself. I blamed myself for everything.
And then I took the phone in my hands and send:
Me: I am the most horrible person in the world. Forgive me. And congratulations on your son. Timothey is a wonderful name!
With each letter my hands burned, with each sentence I stopped to wipe away the tears that prevented me from writing.
Danylo : Thank you, Amelia!
The answer came quickly, and a photo was immediately attached to it.
He is wonderful. Timothey is the cutest child I have ever met. He has blue eyes and a small nose.
Me : You have a wonderful son. I am infinitely happy for you!
Danylo : Thank you, I'm a father now, Ami. I'M A FATHER!!!
He is a father. He is a happy father who has everything.
And I don't deserve all this. I don't deserve to feel something for him. I don't deserve to fall in love with him.
"Ami." Sebastian knocks on the door. "Are you alive there? I'm really worried."
"Yes," I shout, "give me a few minutes."
"Okay, in two hours, we are meeting with Louis."
Louis I completely forgot about him. Not the best time to meet the brother of your dead lover. But what can I do, my life is generally not the best moments.
I put my hair up. I don't like it at all. I don't like my natural hair colour and although it matches my bright green eyes, I want to change something. I have never dyed my hair, I know that Denys liked my natural colour, so I didn't even dare to change it.
Maybe someday I'll let it go and change my hair colour.
I come out of the bathroom to see that Sebastian is already dressed. He is wearing black pants and a black shirt with the top two buttons unbuttoned. His brown hair is neatly styled, and he has a bright smile on his face.
"You look great," he says, and I look at myself in the mirror again.
I put on a closed white knee-length dress and white boots, and put on a jacket of the same colour on top.
Something is wrong with me. I put my hand to my face, I'm not hot, on the contrary, I'm cold, like ice.
"Are you okay?" asks my brother and opens the door for me.
"Yes," I nod, despite the dizziness in my head.
In the car, I turn on my playlist as usual, but this time I don't say anything. I'm just silent. Everything floats in the eyes, nausea approaches the throat, and the hands sweat terribly. I think I'm going to pass out now. I open the window and try to breathe in the cold winter air. It refreshes me a little and I return to my normal state.
Almost normal.
When we walk into the restaurant, it only takes me three seconds to find Louis with my eyes. From a distance, he is an exact copy of Denys, and I need to take several deep breaths so I don’t faint.
He hasn't changed at all, except that his always short blond hair has grown back, and his skin is a little tanned.
"Hi," he smiles.
I hug him. His hugs are warm and pleasant, he does not let me go, making it clear that everything is fine between us, that he does not hold a grudge against me.
"You've changed," he notices in surprise, and then quickly adds. "For the better."
"Thank you," I smile.
Sebastian pulls out a chair for me and we sit down. Live music plays in this elegant restaurant, which is decorated in light and warm colours.
Denys always liked restaurants with live music.
"There is almost nothing left of that thirteen-year-old girl who could kill me with a look when I took sweets from her," Louis laughs, and memories cover me. For me, he was always Denys's older brother, who rarely appeared at home. However, every time he came, we talked for hours about everything in the world. I knew that he wanted to become an architect, I knew which university he wanted to study at, I knew which girl he was dating.
God, I knew everything about him, he was my second brother, and I neglected it. I left him alone when he needed someone so much.
"How are you doing?" I finally ask.
"Good, I am currently working on a new project, so I will stay in Kyiv for a month. What about you?"
"Yeah, good," I answer briefly.
"I'm fine too, if anyone is interested," says Sebastian and we start laughing.
"How are you, Seb? Have you found someone, or are you still single?" I notice Sebastian hesitates to answer, glancing at me.
Is he really hiding something?
"No," he finally answers, and I take a sip of water. "Why is everyone so interested in my personal life?"
I turn back to Louis. If my vision and hearing were a little worse, I swear I would have seen Denys in front of me.
The same perfect features, the same eyes the colour of the Pacific Ocean, the same sharp nose and red lips. Everything is the same, but so different.
Next to Denys, I felt like I was part of something big, like I deserved something, like I was special. He gave me everything. Love, care, support...
He gave me himself.
"By the way, I heard that you are on an internship at a hospital, is that true?"
I'm surprised. Where did he hear that?
"Yes," I answer, "I interned there for two months, but I no longer work."
"Why?"
I love the sincerity of Louis' questions. If he asks or tells something, then he is really interested.
He always looks carefully at his companion, never looking away. I learned to do the same, I'm not afraid to look people in the eye. Louis taught me to hide my emotions behind a glassy gaze, but there is only one person whose emotions I cannot hide from.
Why did I quit? There is always only one answer. Danylo.
"Change my plans," I lie, no one needs to know about Danylo and me, even though we don't exist.
"In general, do you like to study there?" Louis sips his semi-dry red wine without taking his eyes off me.
He is wearing a black golf shirt that matches his blond hair and tanned skin. I wonder if he has vacationed somewhere in the Maldives lately? "Yes, really, very interesting," I smile. "You better tell me something about yourself, Louis," I suggest and lean on the back of a high chair.
Louis begins to talk about the fact that he has been travelling a lot lately and cannot decide where he would like to live, but after Kyiv he plans to stay in Lviv for a while. His parents want to spend some time with him.
He also said that our parents still communicate, and although I always knew they were close, my mother never told me that she was still in touch.
"Really?" I am surprised.
"Yes, my mom constantly tells me about you and says that she misses you terribly," Louis admits, and his words make my heart ache.
I'm only now realising how selfish I was. Compared to everyone. I am not the only one who lost Denys, not the only one who loved him, but the only one who pushed everyone away from me.
"By the way, I heard that they are planning to go somewhere together on holidays."
I’m looking at Sebastian.
"Did you know?" I ask.
"I knew that they were just talking about it, but the final decision has not been made."
"If everything works out, then wait for me too," Louis adds and I smile.
A family trip with Denys's family?
How badly will it kill me from the inside?
However, I forget everything in the world for the next two hours. In the midst of our conversations with Sebastian and Louis, an invisible bond forms that binds us together and heals us little by little.
We laugh all evening and remember stories from our childhood, we remember how we went on trips together, we remember how we swam in the pool and went to the mountains in the summer, we remember how Sebastian was attacked by Denys's dog, we remember how we had a party while their parents were travelling for work.
We remember all this and understand that yes - we lost Denys, but his death is not a reason to destroy our own lives. He saved us all in some way. He will forever remain in our hearts, forever be our ray of light, forever be my greatest love.
And I felt that evening that he was next to us, that he was sitting and holding my hands, sometimes admiring my appearance.
For the first time in three years, I felt calm.