Chapter Three
AMBER
Once the tears started, there was little I could do to stop them. Every bad thought that had been running rampant in my mind for the past year was finally rushing to the surface, ripping me apart and tearing down my defenses.
I prided myself on maintaining a strong front, never letting anyone see that I had moments of weakness. I kept my emotions controlled—except my anger, which raged without any means of simmering… all until I met Ryan. He broke through my heavily guarded wall when he kissed me for the first time. From that moment on, I just knew he was the only one for me. He would always be the only one for me. I knew deep in my soul that there would never be anyone else.
While Ryan was gone, I held on tightly to my perfect glass bottle. I didn’t tell anyone about the countless sleepless nights, didn’t mention to my best friend that my twin and I hadn’t spoken in months, that I’d been fired from my job because I didn’t show up for work because I was so damn depressed. I didn’t tell anyone that I was slowly cracking, and now, my perfect bottle had finally broken, and every fear, doubt, and insecurity was on full display for Ryan, who was my glue.
He was finally here, finally standing in front of me, finally holding me in his arms as he whispered everything I needed to hear, but it wasn’t enough . A pain like no other gripped my heart. I couldn’t breathe no matter how much air I sucked into my lungs. It only became harder with every strangled gasp. A wave of nausea washed over me, making me stumble out of his grasp and against the wall, trying to calm my racing heart. I couldn’t suck in enough air.
I was either going to throw up or pass out.
Guilt washed over me like a thick blanket, embarrassed for falling apart in front of him on the night that he made all of my dreams come true. I struggled even more to inhale. My heart pumped faster, squeezed tighter, and I gasped desperately for oxygen.
He must have thought I was so weak.
I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the pity that I knew would be in his. I sank to the ground, my chest rapidly rising and falling so quickly that it burned .
“You have to calm down, Amber,” Ryan pleaded. “Listen to me, baby. You have to inhale through your nose and exhale out of your mouth.” I could feel him crouching in front of me, his bigger frame shadowing my smaller one. His big, calloused fingers brushed away my tears, and I slowly opened my eyes to find his blue eyes peering into mine, concern turning them a shade darker than their normal ocean blue. His other hand was in my hair, holding my head upright so that I was forced to look at him.
Sucking in a ragged breath, I shook my head and struggled to suck in the next. My heart was beating loudly in my ears. His soft, soothing voice could no longer be heard over the pounding of my own heart. I gripped my chest and throat in my hands, trying to explain to him that I couldn’t breathe, let alone calm down.
Both of his hands suddenly framed my face, his eyes wide with panic. I had no control over my actions. I wished he could understand that I was just as scared as he was. His touch wasn’t soothing away my fear. His voice promising me that he was here wasn’t enough.
Why wasn’t he enough?
I wailed.
“I’m here. I’m right here, and I love you. I love you, spitfire. I’m here, baby.” Pushing away from his touch, my head hit the wall hard. Pain flashed in his eyes as he reached for me once again. I shook my head, my arms pushing him away, even though everything in my head is screaming at me to hold him, to find safety in his arms.
“P-p-please d-d-don’t t-t-touch m-me.” My own voice sounded completely foreign to me as a sob rattled through my chest, shaking my entire body.
“Okay, baby, just watch me.” He was calm. I was panicking, and he was somehow so calm, as if everything was okay. “Inhale through your nose, and exhale out your mouth.” Mimicking his breathing, I closed my mouth, even though my head screamed at me not to, and took a quick inhale through my nose. Only then did I open my mouth to exhale.
I did his breathing exercise ten more times, and my racing heart finally slowed down until it was a steady thump in my chest. Dropping my head to his chest with a low whimper, I shed the rest of my tears. He didn’t move, allowing me to decide when I was ready for him to touch me. When exhaustion settled in my bones, my body went slack against his, and his arms finally wrapped around me. As he pulled me tight to his chest, I sank into him, letting him support me. His arms were strong and secure, his body hard and protective around me, absorbing all my pain. He dropped a kiss to the crown of my head. “I’m home. I’m here forever.”
I didn’t say anything. I just listened to his steady heartbeat and counted the beats until my tears stopped and my whole body finally settled down.
When I felt like I couldn’t hold myself up anymore, it was almost like he could read my mind, and his arms curled around me like bands of steel, lifting me from the floor to carry me to our bed. He laid me down first, stepping out of my reach for just a moment to pull the covers back, and then, he slid in and enveloped me like a warm blanket.
His touch was soft, warm, and familiar. Embarrassment remained at the forefront of my mind. Afraid to speak, I buried my face into his chest. He must have thought I was so weak.
“I love you.” His chest vibrated with the three words I desperately needed to hear. Relief washed over me, but I just continued to listen to the steady rhythm of his heart until eventually, I fell asleep with my head on his chest with his fingers tangled in my thick locks, gently caressing my head. His soft voice was reassuring me that he was here and that I wasn’t alone.
Instead, I was completely lost in his love.
The bed dipped, and in the darkness of the room, I opened my puffy, blurry eyes, searching for Ryan, my hands patting the mattress for his firm body. His spot next to mine was empty but still warm. He hadn’t been gone long, but I didn’t want him to leave my side for a second.
I needed him with me.
“Ryan?” My voice was thick with sleep as I called out for him. After a beat of silence, I slowly sat up, my sore eyes adjusting to the dark room, only to find no trace of him. “Baby?” Still nothing. Standing up, an icy feeling wrapped around me.
Why didn’t he stay with me?
Stumbling over his bag that was left by the foot of the bed, I caught myself on my vanity and finally saw a bright light coming from underneath the bedroom door.
I braced myself, trying to prepare my eyes for the harsh light when I swung the door open. I spotted him in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, watching our little coffee machine brew a cup of coffee. Slinking up behind him, I wrapped my arms around his shirtless torso, sinking into his warmth. “Make me a cup, too,” I whispered into his tattooed shoulder, lightly kissing the giant eagle he got when he came home from his very first deployment.
“I didn’t mean to wake you.” His hot and sweaty hands settled on mine, and with a slight shake of his head, his fingers curled around my wrists.
“I just want to be with you.”
Silence passed between us long enough for the coffee to finish. I just held him, my cheek pressed to his back, inhaling the scent that was all him.
“What happened earlier?” Shaking my head against his back, I didn’t know what to say because I was just as confused as him. That had never happened to me before.
“I couldn’t breathe. No matter how hard I tried, my chest was so sore.” He turned, looking down at me, his blue eyes shining with concern.
“Did I do something to upset you tonight?” he asked me, a frown pulling at his lips.
I immediately shook my head. “No,” I assured him. “I just lost control of my emotions for a few minutes.” I drew in a deep breath. “I’m so sorry for ruining our night.” He closed his eyes and sighed deeply.
“You didn’t ruin our night, spitfire. Don’t ever apologize to me for… losing control. You don’t need to be perfect in front of me. I don’t ever want you to keep anything from me.”
“My bottle just broke, and everything just poured out,” I told him quietly, my voice cracking. His body was firm against mine. I knew he understood.
“I’ll put it back together, baby. Don’t you worry.” I couldn’t resist his full lips anymore when he shot me a little smile. Leaning up on my tiptoes, I kissed the corner of his mouth near his dimple.
“I love you, Ryan Wilson.”
“I love you, too, my little spitfire.” Both of his hands cradled my head, and I shivered at the predatory gleam in his eyes—like he wanted to devour me. I couldn’t wait. Knowing that this gorgeous man still wanted me after I fell apart in front of him and cried like a little girl warmed my damn soul. Yet, he was still looking at me like a woman, the same way he always had.
And I prayed that would never change because I couldn’t lose him. I would lose myself in the process. It would, quite literally, kill me.
“Please kiss me,” I begged him. “I need you.”
“I’m all yours.” His lips met mine, and with a soft, tentative swipe of my tongue, he parted his lips and owned my body. His teeth nibbled at my bottom lip, eliciting a moan from my throat as his tongue chased away the sting. When the lack of oxygen registered in my mind, I turned my head away for a breath, but his mouth never stopped. He trailed his lips down my jaw and to my neck, leaving open-mouthed kisses all the way to my collarbone before he trailed kisses back up to my ear, his mouth wrapping around my earlobe. A moan slid from my lips, and a shiver danced down my spine.
“Ryan,” I moaned, my hands clutching his short hair as I tugged him closer to me, warmth pooling low in my belly. A sudden, shrill beep made us jump apart as the kettle alerted us it was finished. His rich laughter filled the small kitchen, the warm sound bouncing off the walls.
“I forgot about that,” he mumbled, and his arms reached for me instantly.
“Why were you awake anyway?” I asked, sinking back into his embrace.
He seemed uncomfortable with the question, his eyes darting around the room as if he was searching for an answer before fixing his gaze back on me. I didn’t like how evasive he was being.
“I couldn’t sleep. My mind is too busy, and I’m not used to the time difference.” He shrugged. I frowned, concerned. He wasn’t telling me the truth. “It’s only midday where I was stationed.” I knew he was lying, but I didn’t want to push him. He always told me what’s bothering him when he was ready to.
“Are you sure you don’t want to do another tour?” I buried my face against his shirtless chest. I didn’t want to see his face as I mumbled the stupid question against his skin, hating myself for asking, but I had to know.
He pushed me back so that he could look into my eyes, his big hands settling on my hips, his blue eyes… haunted. His mouth was moving, answering my question, but all I could focus on was how much I wanted to go back to kissing him and forget all about him ever leaving me again. He jostled me, and I watched his mouth form my name, jerking me back to the present. I blinked. His lips quirked in amusement.
“Listen to me, spitfire. I don’t ever want to go back. I want us . I want a life with you.”
“Are you sure?” I asked him, hating myself for questioning him. But I couldn’t live with myself if he truly wanted to go back but was only staying because of me.
“In case you forgot, I just asked you to marry me, baby.” Leaning forward, he brushed our noses together, and I could no longer contain myself. Closing the small gap between us, I sought out his lips again, a sigh of relief escaping me when, finally, I no longer felt like half of my soul was missing.
His lips were soft and gentle as opposed to their assault from earlier. He nipped lightly at my bottom lip, asking permission, even though he knew I was all his. “I don’t want gentle. I want you,” I whispered, opening my eyes to meet his darkening ones.
“Are you sure?” His hands squeezed my waist, pulling me closer to his hard body. I couldn’t contain my moan. He fit so perfectly against me—like two puzzle pieces. “It’s our first night together in a year, Ames. Can you handle this after everything you just went through tonight?”
“I need you, Ryan. Please don’t make me beg,” I pleaded. He shook his head, his eyes stern, his body rigid under my touch.
“Amber, I’m asking you one more time— are you sure ?” His fingertips dug into my hips, and his cock pressed against my belly. Clearly, he wanted this as badly as I did. Why did he keep hesitating?
“I’m all yours, baby.” In a flash, his hands were under my legs, hauling me up onto the counter. His lips were no longer gentle. His tongue slipped into my mouth with urgency and tangled with mine, taking control when I tried to play with him.
“Ryan,” I panted when he gripped my red hair and yanked my head back, attacking my neck. His other hand slipped under the dress I’d fallen asleep in, sliding up my thigh until he skimmed the lace between my thighs. I shivered, sucking in a sharp breath, my hips arching toward his hand, desperately seeking what I needed.
“That’s it, baby,” he rumbled, sucking at the skin of my neck. Marking me. God . “Say my name, spitfire. Tell me what you need. Beg me .”
Fuuuuck .
I gasped when he released my hair and yanked down the zipper on my dress. It fell from my arms and pooled around my waist. He groaned before leaning me back so he could feast on my breasts, his tongue swirling around my nipple. I whimpered, my eyelids fluttering shut. I shivered, clutching at his broad shoulders, my nails biting into his skin.
“Beg me,” he growled against my skin before he moved to my other breast, giving it the same undivided attention he gave the first. I whined when he just skimmed over my clit through the lace covering me.
“Ryan, please,” I begged, so lost in him, I couldn’t even bring myself to be embarrassed. “Please, please, please touch me. I need—” I sucked in a sharp breath when he slid the lace to the side. But he didn’t go any further than that. A broken sob ripped from my throat. “Ryan, please ,” I cried.
He yanked my dress down my legs before dropping it to the floor. My lace panties went next, and then he was shoving my thighs apart and crouching between my legs, burying his face in my heat. I cried out his name, falling back on the counter. I braced myself on one elbow, the fingers of my other hand sinking into his hair, holding him against me.
His tongue was pure fucking magic as he flicked it over my clit before wrapping his lips around the tiny bundle of nerves. I moaned, my eyes rolling back in my skull. When I tentatively rolled my hips against his face, he groaned, his hands clenching my hips, encouraging me to take what I needed from him.
So, I did. I rode his face like a woman starved, and he ate me out like a man on death row getting his last mean—savoring me and taking his time. My belly tightened, and warmth pooled in my veins before a full body shiver wracked through my body. I sobbed his name as I came, my world exploding around me.
He surged over me, taking my lips in a hard kiss that wreaked havoc on my senses. I could taste myself on his tongue, and I moaned, tugging him closer. He fumbled with his pajama pants, shoving them down just enough for his cock to spring free. Resting the heels of my feet on the kitchen counter, I lifted my hips and spread my legs wide, encouraging him to take what he wanted from me.
We both moaned as he sank inside. He sucked at my bottom lip, a low, sexy groan crawling up his throat as he eased out and pushed back in. Our bodies moved together in sync in a dance as old as time. My hips rose to meet each of his thrusts, our mouths a tangled mess. He braced one hand on the wall by my head, his other hand gripping my thigh. I gasped when he pushed it further back before his pace increased, his hips slinging back and forth, a man on a mission.
“Ryan. Ryan. Baby— fuuuuck ,” I cried out, my vision whiting out as I came, each of his thrusts making his cock glance across something delicious inside of me, his pelvic bone bumping my clit with each stroke inside of me.
“ Goddamn, spitfire ,” he moaned before his hips fell off rhythm and he spilled inside of me, marking me as his. “I waited so fucking long for this.” He pressed his lips to mine, our kiss slow and lazy, both of us cum drunk and sated. His heart hammered against my chest, matching the quick tempo of my own.
“I love you,” I whispered, cupping his cheek, the diamond ring on my finger glinting in the low light of the kitchen.
Turning his head, he pressed a kiss to my palm. “You’re my entire fucking world, Amber.”