Chapter Seventeen
AMBER
Even in darkness, there was moonlight. Even when the day appeared to be gloomy, the sun was ready to brighten the day.
When I was ready to give in to the darkness, Ryan was my moonlight, shining so brightly, I couldn’t ignore him even if I wanted to.
His light shined through my despair and self-loathing to remind me that even in darkness, there was light, regardless of when I could see it or not.
Like a moth to the flame, I stuck to him, wanting his light to burn me, to remind me of what it felt like to be in love, to want to be alive, to forgive myself for failing our child.
For the first time in months, I finally left the house. I even went as far as to put on nice clothes, brush my neglected hair, and put on a light dusting of makeup to remind myself of the woman I was before. The woman Ryan fell in love with. The woman I was before the accident and my life went to shit.
Ryan and I started small. Every night, just as the sun was setting, we would go for a walk. Rain or shine, we didn’t care. The first day, he had to pull me out the front door with soft words of reassurance that no one could see the broken person I saw every time I looked in a mirror. We made it fifteen steps. I counted every single one just as I counted my breaths to keep calm while my pulse raced and my entire body shook with fear.
On the second day, we took thirty steps. Every day, we went a little further. The whole time, Ryan held my hand, squeezed my fingers when someone walked past us, whispered how much he loved me as we spoke about mundane things, and slowly, we fell deeper in love than we had ever been before.
Every afternoon, I watched the clock, willing the minutes to pass quickly so that we could go on our walk and be reminded of what it felt like to be in love before tragedy struck. Ryan spent his days working from home now, holed up in his office doing paperwork and such. We shared a brief lunch, but he was all mine in the evenings, and so, I longed for our daily walk, where he unraveled pieces of me I had never shared with another soul.
He shared stories of war, of days where he questioned whether he would come home to me and live a normal life, and of days where he wondered if he would be alive come nightfall. I tried to stay calm, to keep my breaths steady and even, but every time my pulse raced, I froze at the thought of losing him.
Now, I understood the gravity of my words to him. The world without him would be crippling. Completely unbearable. In three months, I had only one panic attack, a slight lapse in our healing on the anniversary of Angel’s death.
It didn’t matter how hard he coaxed me, I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t want to act normal, not on a day that changed our entire life, flipped it upside down and unraveled both of us.
I stayed on my side of the bed, holding myself as I cried, and eventually, he climbed into the bed with me and enveloped me in his arms, his touch warming me, soothing my soul in a way that words never could describe because my love for this gentle, strong man was infinite.
Now, three months since our almost undoing, I stared at myself in the mirror, my green eyes scrutinizing my body, my skin, my face, and my hair.
Three months since that day and my whole life had changed again. I gained back some weight, yet there were deep, black rings under my eyes from too many sleepless nights where I cried into Ryan’s chest. My eyes didn’t shine like they used to, and my clothes still hung off my frame. My curves were gone, and I worried that Ryan would notice and his love would falter.
I had to constantly shake the thoughts from my mind because Ryan didn’t love me for my body—he loved my soul, my mind, everything about me. I chanted those words as I looked over the pale pink dress that used to hug my curves in a way that made me look sexy but now was a bit too big. I had painted my face with makeup but regretted it when I didn’t recognize myself anymore. The pink sparkles on my eyelids made my eyes pop, but was the pink blush and lipstick too much? Was I trying to be someone else, someone I most definitely was not anymore?
I had cut my typically untamable red hair on a whim a few weeks ago with a YouTube tutorial. Now, it just brushed my shoulders. Ryan told me countless times that he loved it, but he also loved my hair long, when it reached just below my mid back, and today, I regretted cutting it. Would he look at me and realize he wished it was longer again?
“You ready, babe? We need to leave if you don’t want to be late.” Ryan’s voice filtered into the bathroom from our bedroom, and I dropped the pink lip gloss I was holding in fright. It clattered loudly into the sink.
He hadn’t seen me yet. What would he think? Would he think I was being too much, that I was trying too hard?
“Almost,” I managed with a shaky voice. I prayed he wouldn’t notice.
“Can I come in, baby?” I saw him in the reflection of the mirror just outside the bathroom door.
“Just a minute. I want to surprise you.”
I applied one more coat of gloss, puckered my lips, and smacked them to be sure they looked kissable. Ryan loved when I wore gloss. He claimed it made my lips a perfect target for his. I smiled at the thought, reaching for my mascara tube. I swiped the wand across my red lashes until they lengthened and darkened.
With one last glance in the mirror, I turned before I changed my mind, somewhat happy with my appearance, and headed for the door. I still needed to find my nude heels in my closet before we left.
I swung the door open and watched as his jaw dropped and then snapped closed again. His eyes grew larger as he did a once over before reaching for my waist, his big hands warming my skin through the thin fabric of the dress. I sank into his hold, thankful he seemed to like my appearance.
“Absolutely fucking gorgeous,” he whispered, his voice hoarse. He touched his forehead to mine before kissing my cheek and pulling away to look at me again. “I’ll be kissing that gloss right off, babe. Just you wait.”
“Why not now?” I asked, unable to help myself.
He groaned, the sound rumbling from deep within his chest. “Because if I kiss you now, spitfire, I won’t be able to stop, and then, we’ll be very late for Summer’s first birthday party.” His eyes glinted with lust, and he grinned at me. My heart fluttered, and my belly swarmed with butterflies. We hadn’t truly touched each other intimately in months, and I was desperate for him.
I needed to hear that, to be reminded that I was sexy when I felt so ugly. I loved this man more than my next breath.
“Please,” I whispered, leaning into his chest, trailing my nose against his beard, my hand latching onto his. I needed him to heal me… or at least try to.
“Amber, I don’t know… Are you ready for this?” His blue eyes were clear like the ocean on a hot summer day, and they filled my whole body with desire.
I nodded and reached up to grip his shirt, pulling him closer to me. “Ryan, I need you to heal me, to remind me that I’m beautiful, that I’m sexy. Please don’t make me beg. I need this.”
He growled low in his throat as his hands tightened on my waist. “You never have to beg me to remind you how utterly breathtakingly beautiful and fucking downright sinfully sexy you are.” He turned his head and captured my lips with his. I moaned low in my throat, my hands sliding up around his neck, my fingers burying in his hair.
“Ryan,” I whispered when he parted our mouths and placed hot, scorching kisses along my jaw. I whimpered when he sucked my earlobe into his mouth, nibbling gently on the sensitive flesh before he trailed open mouthed kisses down my throat. I clung to his broad shoulders, lost in a haze as my husband worshipped my body as if I was still the same beautiful woman he’d married over a year ago.
“Bed,” Ryan growled, gripping my hips and backing me up until the backs of my knees hit the mattress. When I sank onto the bed, I crawled backward, and he watched me through intense, almost predatory eyes that made my entire body shiver, my nipples harden, and my core to pool with warmth and need.
“Pull your dress off, baby.” I swallowed thickly, suddenly unsure. What if he didn’t like what I looked like anymore? What if he changed his mind? I’d never recover. I?—
“Amber,” he rasped, leaning over me. I blinked. When had he moved? “Focus on me, baby. Keep those pretty, green eyes on me.” He gripped the hem of my dress and slowly slid it up, revealing pale, freckled thighs. I gripped his upper arms, and he smiled, his eyes soft and warm. “That’s it, sweet girl. You’re my perfect wife. The most beautiful fucking woman in the world. I will never want anyone else. I love you . I want my future to always be with you .” Leaning forward, he kissed me, slowly sliding my dress further and further up my body until we were forced to separate so he could lift my arms and pull the dress over my head.
His gaze heated with longing and need as he ran his eyes over me. Gently, he pressed a hand to my chest and pushed me back so I was lying flat. He groaned, his palms mapping my body. His mouth followed his hands as he slowly peeled off my matching panties and bra set until I was completely naked beneath him.
I should have felt awkward that he was still fully-clothed, but he never even gave me a moment. All I could focus on was his hands and his mouth and the addictive way he worshipped every single inch of me.
Pushing my thighs apart, he laid flat on his stomach, shooting me a wicked smirk before he buried his face in the most intimate part of me, his mouth working me like a man starved. Like it was over a hundred degrees and he hadn’t had a drop of water in days.
“Ryyyaaannn,” I moaned, sinking my fingers into his hair. I planted my heels on the mattress, unabashedly riding his face as he tongue-fucked me and sucked on my clit and drove me fucking crazy . I couldn’t think. Could barely breathe. And I crested higher and higher until I fell over the edge of that cliff, crying out as I drenched his face and my mind went all hazy and warm.
When I felt like I could breathe again, Ryan was standing by the edge of the bed, his shirt missing. His jeans were dropping to the floor. I squeaked when he gripped my knees and yanked me to the edge of the bed, spreading my thighs wide open. I shivered under his stare, my breathing quickening.
“You are the most exquisite fucking woman…” He thumbed over my nipples before leaning down to suck them into his hot mouth. I whimpered, arching my back, desperate for him. When his cock nudged at my core, seeking entrance into my body, I reached between us and gripped his base, angling him just right.
He sank inside me in a slow, deep thrust that tugged at all my senses and left me reeling in pure pleasure. I clung to him as he rocked our bodies together, making love to me all while whispering how much he loved me. How much he cared. How he was never letting me go.
How he was so fucking happy to be loving me like this again.
I silently cried tears of happiness, and he kissed me soft and deep as we came together.
This… maybe this was what I’d needed all along.