Chapter Eigteen
AMBER
An hour and a half later, we arrived at the party. Ryan and I sat in his truck for a moment as I gathered my thoughts, my head so filled with my love for him that I could barely think past it. Our time together had been everything I hadn’t known I’d needed. I couldn’t believe I’d deprived us of that.
“If you want to go home at any moment, just tell me, okay? Don’t feel pressured to do anything,” Ryan urged, twisting in his seat to look at me through those beautiful, blue eyes. “Everyone knows this is a big deal, Ames. And if Sum?—”
“No, I’m okay. I promise.” I drew in a deep breath, linking my fingers together in my lap to stop them from shaking. “I love her, Ryan, and it isn’t her fault that we lost our little girl.” Unlacing my fingers, I grabbed his hand over the center console as I stared at Ace and Celine’s house, absolute fucking terror racing through my veins at the thought of having to be perfect in the eyes of everyone today.
He squeezed my hand, and the gentle reminder of his presence helped me breathe easier.
I could do this.
Ryan believed in me.
I was strong.
I was okay.
I could do this.
I repeated those mantras over and over in my head as I opened the truck door and stepped out, wobbling slightly in my heels before finding my balance.
I could do this.
Ryan was quick to grab the small present wrapped in bright pink paper that we got online for Summer, and he came to my side, grabbing my hand in his and squeezing it tightly.
Ryan believed in me.
We started up the small driveway that was lined with cars—some I recognized, and others were new. The fear of being around strangers on a day like today unsettled me.
I was strong.
We stopped in front of the white oak door, and I raised my finger to press the glowing doorbell, my heart knocking hard against my breastbone as it beat loudly, blood rushing through my ears. For a moment, I thought I was going to faint.
I was okay.
There was a brief pause, just long enough for doubt to settle in. The door swung open, and Celine’s flushed face grinned at me. I was transported back to the day that I burst into her house after the hurricane all those years ago. The same grin was on her face today, except love was shining in her dazzling, blue eyes instead of confusion.
I could do this.
She rushed forward and tackled me in a hug like she would have in our college days, and relief made my shoulders sag. I let go of Ryan’s hand to hold her, returning her tight hug. She squealed and squeezed me, words flying out of her mouth so fast, I could barely understand her.
“Ames! You came! Oh, I’m so happy!” She shook me a little before pulling away with a blush and glancing at Ryan.
“Jeez, what about me?” He laughed, going in to hug his sister, who just shrugged and beamed at me over his shoulder.
“You look absolutely stunning in that dress. And your hair! I freaking love it!” She touched a stray lock before hugging me again. Guilt consumed me. She’d obviously missed me so much, had needed me, and I’d been drowning in my grief, unable to bring my head above the water long enough to realize Celine still loved me and wanted me by her side.
“That’s what I said,” Ryan chimed in, his hand settling on the small of my back, a gentle reminder to breathe.
“I’m sorry we’re so late,” I rushed, remembering that I hadn’t said a word. She smiled and shrugged, the sound of clanging dishes coming from inside the house.
“Better late than never, am I right? Come in already! Everyone is so excited to see you.” She pulled me in, and the warmth from Ryan’s hand disappeared as he closed the front door behind us with a chuckle.
“Where’s Ace and, uh, Summer?” He cleared his throat before he said her name, a worried expression crossing his face. My chest tightened. Was everyone going to be so cautious around me today? If so, it wasn’t going to help.
“Outside in the pool. Oh, she absolutely loves the pool, especially when she’s with her daddy.” She sighed, a dreamy look appearing in her eyes.
Pain sliced through my chest so sharply, it almost brought me to my knees. I glanced at Ryan and reminded myself to breathe. This was my best friend, my sister-in-law. My niece, my goddaughter. I could handle this. I was ready. I was healing. Right?
“Mom and Dad here?” Ryan asked. Celine nodded, walking through the house filled with people I didn’t know. Ryan seemed to know a few faces and greeted them politely as we followed Celine outside where Ace, Summer, and her parents were.
“They’re here, guys!” she screamed, surprising her daughter, who squealed excitedly at the sight of new people.
“Hey! Thanks for coming! It’s so good to see you,” Ace said from the pool, a genuine smile stretching across his face. His hands were wrapped firmly around his now one-year-old daughter, who splashed herself in the face by slapping the water. Her loud squeals twisted my gut.
I couldn’t do this.
I couldn’t stop looking at her—a healthy baby. My little girl would be the same age. They would have been best friends… cousins.
I swallowed the lump threatening to form in my throat and reached for Ryan. His hand found mine instantly, and he was there. I wasn’t alone in my grief. I wasn’t alone anymore.
“Oh, Ryan, Amber! Hello, my children!” Ryan’s mother exclaimed, getting up from her seat to engulf us in a bone crushing, heartwarming embrace. I soaked it in, needing it more than I ever realized.
His father also got up and stood beside us, almost uncomfortably, like he didn’t know what to do with himself, but he was clearly excited to see his son outside of work.
We sat beside his parents and talked. Ryan had a beer in his hand, and Celine handed me a white can with a fruity-flavored drink in it. It helped to calm my nerves. While Ryan talked with his parents, I watched Summer and listened to her giggles and squeals… missing my own little girl.
The day went by smoothly. The people inside were all from work, and Ryan introduced me to those I didn’t know. We ate burgers and then sang for the most precious girl who was always smiling. Her eyes twinkled with innocence, and I fell in love with the beautiful child, the hole in my heart closing slightly.
Celine was cleaning up the kitchen as the angel pulled herself up to stand on one of her toys, attempting to take a step without holding onto anything. I watched as her chubby legs wobbled, and just as she started fall, I reached for her and pulled my niece up into my arms.
I cradled her in my arms. Her head fit perfectly in the crook of my elbow, and the world stilled around me as I looked into her eyes. She was sleepy, her eyelids heavy as she blinked slowly, and then, she shoved her thumb into her mouth.
Ryan was at my back, his hand there, and he was whispering something to me, but I couldn’t hear him. I couldn’t hear anything over the blood rushing through my ears. My heart beat loudly like a constant, throbbing pulse.
Why was my baby taken from me?
“I can take her.” Celine was right next to me, worry in her tone.
“I’m okay,” I whispered, eyes transfixed on the little girl cradled in my arms. “I’m okay, I promise,” I repeated when she continued to stand there, ready to take Summer from me. Celine moved away and continued to clean, but Ryan stayed, hands on my waist as he looked over my shoulder.
“We’ll be parents one day, baby. I promise you,” he whispered, kissing the shell of my ear.
“And if we aren’t, I’ll be okay.” It hurt to say it, to even think it, but I knew I would be. I watched as Summer fell asleep, tired from the long day. “Can I take her up to bed?” I asked Celine, who was watching me from the kitchen counter.
“Let’s go together,” she said, setting her dish towel down before showing me the way to Summer’s room. She let me put Summer in the crib, and we snuck out like two girls trying to escape their parents. I fought laughter at the rush of excitement.
“Thank you. I really needed that.” We paused outside the room, and she nodded, then wrapped her arms around me. I closed my eyes and hugged her back, relishing in her warmth.
“I’ve been so worried about you,” she confessed. I swallowed thickly. “Ryan told me not to come and visit, that you weren’t ready to see me or Summer. I can’t understand what you went through because I didn’t have to hold my dead babies, but I do know what it feels like to miscarry. Please don’t feel like you can’t talk to me. I’m here for you.” I held her a little tighter at the confession.
“I know,” I croaked, my throat tight, “and I couldn’t see past my own grief to understand that. I’m sorry.”
“Miracles can happen,” she softly reminded me. “Summer was a miracle. Never forget that.”
We were among the last to leave, sitting in the lounge with Celine, Ace, and Ryan’s parents, sipping on coffee as we reflected on the day.
“Ace and I want to make a small announcement.” Celine had been sipping on an herbal tea, which she put down to hold Ace’s hand. “It’s early to be telling you this. I’ve gone to the doctor, and I was advised to keep this to myself for a few weeks with my track record. But I just can’t.” She beamed up at her husband for a moment. “We’re pregnant.” Her gaze turned to me, and I fought hard to keep the bitterness out of my expression.
I couldn’t handle this.
Ryan shifted uncomfortably, his hand on my knee. I couldn’t breathe. Why did she have to do this today? It was hard enough to deal with seeing Summer. I’d done so good. Couldn’t she have just fucking waited?
“Congratulations!” her mother erupted into cheers and hugged her daughter, but I couldn’t move.
“Ames, I’m sorry. I know it’s hard, but I wanted to tell everyone while we were all together, and I didn’t know when it would happen again,” Celine apologized. I shook my head, trying to think of the right words to say, but I couldn’t find them.
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.
“Congratulations, guys,” Ryan filled in for me, his arm wrapping around my shocked body and pulling me into him.
“Oh, God! Her face is turning purple! She’s not breathing, Ryan!” Celine exclaimed, her blue eyes widening.
Ryan turned my body to his, those blue eyes almost identical to his sister’s scanning my face. His lips were moving, but I didn’t know what he was saying.
He moved his mouth slower, and I saw the word breathe , and so, I sucked in a large breath of air, then spluttered as the world crashed into me.
“Fuck, Amber, don’t stress me out like that.” Celine held a hand over her heart, and anger flooded my veins.
“Don’t stress you out?” I whispered angrily, fucking seething, every bit of my hurt and pain gathering into a ball of rage. “How could you do this to me?!” I screamed, feeling that lump grow in my throat. “You just told me you understood upstairs, but you don’t . If you did, you would have waited to tell me!”
“Waited for what, Ames? Waited for my best friend to get her shit together so that I can tell her I’m fucking pregnant? I did wait… I miscarried more than once! Stop being so selfish!”
“Watch your fucking mouth,” Ryan snapped at her as he pulled me up with him. He palmed my lower back, gently pushing me toward the door. “We’re going to go. But she’s right, Celine. You knew today was hard, and while I know you’re excited, you know what it’s like to lose a baby and see everyone else so excited about being pregnant. Your announcement was a bit selfish.”
Ryan urged me out the door before I could say anything to Celine to make this day worse. I heard Ace speaking softly to her, then he followed us, talking quietly to Ryan. But I couldn’t hear what was being said.
“Amber—” Ace began as I got settled into the passenger seat of the truck, but I cut him off.
“Your wife is a fucking bitch. Be sure to pass along the message,” I huffed.
He rolled his eyes. “I’d reckon that you’re both bitches, but what do I know? See you guys later,” he tossed over his shoulder as he went back inside, leaving me fuming.
I glared at Ryan as he slid into the driver’s seat. “Ryan, how could you congratulate her when you have to know what that did to me?” I turned my anger on him, and he only shrugged. I was picking for a fight, and I had a feeling he knew it. Which meant he wouldn’t give me the argument I wanted.
“I’m happy for my sister. I told you we’ll have our baby. Now, put your seatbelt on so I can take you home and get you out of that sexy as fuck dress again.”
I sneered at him. “You’re a fucking prick, too.”
He only smirked, not at all bothered by my rage. “Glad to see you’re back, spitfire.”
I gave him two stiff middle fingers.
THREE WEEKS LATER
I clutched the toilet bowl as I heaved, emptying my stomach for the third time that morning. Ryan was pressing a cold towel to my neck as he held my hair back, clearly concerned.
“I think we should go to a doctor,” he said quietly, reaching forward to flush the toilet once I stopped puking my guts out.
I shook my head, my throat raw and sore. “Not yet,” I rasped. “It might just be food poisoning.”
Only… the vomiting didn’t stop. And Ryan finally put his foot down.
Two days later, we were in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. Feeling another wave of nausea, I rushed for the bathroom in the back corner, praying I made it in time. I barely had time to lock the door and make it to the toilet before my breakfast came back up.
When I emerged back into the waiting room, Ryan handed me a piece of gum and gave me a worried smile as I sat back down beside him. He grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers together. I could barely return his smile, my stomach was so queasy, so I just rested my head on his shoulder, a wave of exhaustion washing over me. I had no idea what in the hell had me so sick, but I was ready for it to be over.
Hopefully, the doc could give us some guidance and give me some nausea meds, too.
An hour later, we were in a room, waiting for results from a round of blood work and a urine sample when the doctor finally walked back in. I slowly lifted my head from Ryan’s shoulder, and he squeezed my hand, reminding me he was here.
“Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Wilson! You’re pregnant!” the doctor exclaimed, beaming at us.
I swung wide, disbelieving eyes to Ryan.
We… we were having a fucking baby. We were having a baby !