Chapter Nineteen
AMBER
Happiness surged through me as I looked at Ryan, whose jaw was still on the ground a good minute after the doctor announced our very unexpected pregnancy. I’d been expecting anything but a pregnancy announcement. Judging by my husband’s expression, he definitely hadn’t even thought of pregnancy being a possibility either.
“Ryan, you promised me a baby, and now, we have a chance to be parents again,” I finally whispered. I reached for his hand and latched onto his warmth, pulling him to me. He stumbled before wrapping me in his big, burly arms and spinning us around the room. I laughed, tears burning in my eyes.
We were finally getting our second chance.
“A baby,” he whispered near my ear before he stilled and held me in place, his big hands cupping my face. “ Our baby.” His nose brushed along mine, and butterflies erupted in my stomach at the feeling, at his display of affection in front of a stranger. “I won’t let anything happen to you or our baby,” he swore. “I promise you, Ames, I’ll protect you both.” He sealed his promise with a kiss that sent my mind reeling and my heart racing.
After I was given a prescription for prenatal vitamins and the doctor went over everything to expect, we walked out of the doctor’s office with matching smiles. There was a lightness in my heart and chest that wasn’t there before. I wanted to run around and tell the entire world my good news. This little boy or girl would never replace Angel in my heart, but I would love it just the same, and I would cherish each beautiful moment, good or bad.
Once we were settled in his truck, Ryan didn’t pull out of the parking lot immediately. Instead, he stared down at the steering wheel with great concentration, scratching his now-longer hair. He finally turned to me.
“Should we tell anyone?” he asked in a whisper, almost like someone was going to hear us in the cab of his truck, as if he were afraid that if he spoke too loudly, something would happen to our baby.
“Not yet.” I reached for his hand and intertwined our fingers, finally feeling at peace, finally feeling that weight lift off my chest, even if just for a brief moment.
I had to keep this child alive. I couldn’t fail again. I wouldn’t survive losing another baby.
If I did, Ryan might as well dig a grave next to Angel and this one for me.
Two months later, we were patiently waiting in yet another doctor’s office, my swelling stomach finally becoming noticeable. Ryan, the sweetheart of a man, kissed my tummy every morning and evening, whispering his love to our little bean.
He was sitting next to me now, his knee bouncing with anticipation. Today, we would finally see our little one. Today was the day of our first ultrasound. I was both excited and nervous, though my excitement was beginning to win out little by little.
“What has you so nervous?” I asked Ryan in a small whisper. The lady sitting on the other side of the room kept glancing at us. She was further along than I was—much further—almost at the end of her pregnancy, judging by the size of her belly. She had gotten up to pace the small waiting room after a few minutes of sitting there, one hand on her stomach and one on her back as she waddled around, checking the gray door leading to the back, where the doctors were hiding from us.
“I’m excited to see our baby, to see our little miracle.” he confessed. I smiled and leaned my head on his shoulder, quietly sighing. I was excited, too, but my nerves were stopping any excitement from showing through.
“I’m so nervous,” I whispered. “What if something is wrong already? Then, what do we do?” Closing my eyes, I counted to ten to calm my racing heart. It had been months since my last panic attack, and I wasn’t about to relapse today—not on a good day like today.
I had to remain optimistic.
“Nothing’s wrong,” Ryan assured me, squeezing my hand in his, settling me and anchoring me in a way only he had ever been capable of doing. “You’ve been taking all the vitamins that you’re supposed to, and you’ve been doing everything right. Stop worrying. The stress is bad for the baby.” I snorted. He thought it was a button I could press on and off, but my nerves were shot. I wanted to pace the room with the other lady… anything to help pass the time.
Ten minutes later, the pacing lady’s name was called, and then, it was just Ryan and I left in the room. “When do we need to start buying the crib and all that?” he asked, looking at the television in the corner of the room playing an advertisement of Rooms to Go, featuring their latest line of cribs and changing tables. He sounded almost nervous. I was scared to start decorating, to fall in love with furniture, to pick all the clothes, paint the walls pink or blue, only to come home with no baby.
“When we know the gender, at least.” I would be out of my first trimester by then, too, which put me out of the risk zone. I picked at a scab on my arm, feeling relief for just a moment, and then, the gray door squeaked open, grabbing our attention.
“Amber Wilson,” the short woman in pink scrubs called, reading off a clipboard before searching the room. I hesitated, even though Ryan stood up and looked at me expectantly. “Well, come on, dear. I don’t have all day.” The woman smiled softly, and instantly, something about her set my nerves at ease.
I would be okay. Our baby would be okay. Nothing was wrong. I needed to trust Ryan.
“I’m sorry… nerves,” I mumbled, feeling my cheeks grow hot at the lame excuse, but the woman only smiled and nodded her head in understanding before opening the door wider for Ryan and me to enter.
“Ah, new parents.” She laughed, reading something from the clipboard before tucking it under her arm and giving us all her attention. “I remember those days. My husband was so excited. He grew up with a lot of siblings, and he wanted lots of kids to run around our house. Meanwhile, I was an only child, and the thought of being pregnant, quite frankly, scared the shit out of me.”
I barked out a laugh, instantly slapping my hand over my mouth at the obnoxious sound, but she only laughed. “Scares the shit out of me, too,” I admitted.
She led us to a room where she checked my vitals. Then, she sat on a leather stool, jotting down some notes on her paper before looking at us. “Is this your first pregnancy, honey?”
“No,” Ryan and I both started and then paused, glancing at each other. I was at a loss for words. I wasn’t ready to talk about this with a stranger. I still had trouble speaking about it with Celine, who was my sister-in-law and best friend.
Ryan placed his hand on top of mine and squeezed before clearing his throat.
“We lost a little girl just over a year ago. We were hit by a drunk driver and the baby…” Ryan paused, his hand tightening around mine. He cleared his throat to continue. “Our baby died from the impact.”
The woman wrote this down—at least, I assumed she did—as she looked at us with sympathy. I hated that look. “I’m so sorry to hear. So, this little one is very special?”
“Very,” I whispered, tears gathering in my eyes as I laid a hand on my small tummy. My heart swelled with love for our little bean. Every day, I saw myself holding our little one, and I couldn’t wait for him or her to be here already.
“Well, then, today is a day for celebration, not for tears, dear. You’re going to hear your little one’s heartbeat and see the baby for the first time.” I nodded, although I couldn’t stop my already flowing tears as they rushed down my cheeks.
A few minutes later, I was situated on the exam table with a warm gel smothered over my stomach. Ryan was at my shoulder, both of his hands grasping mine as we watched the dark screen in anticipation.
“Look—there’s your baby,” the doctor announced, moving the wand around my stomach, and then, she paused, her eyes widening. My heart slammed against my breastbone, fear swarming me. “Well, congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Wilson! You’re having twins!”
“What?!” I shrieked, looking up at Ryan, who only smiled down at me, his eyes shining with happiness.
“Sounds to me like God is looking after us, Ames,” he whispered before leaning down to kiss my forehead.
She had to be fucking kidding me. Twins ?!
TWO MONTHS LATER
“I need the fucking toilet again, Ryan. Pull over at the gas station please.” We were on our way home from Orlando after spending the weekend at theme parks in celebration of my twenty-ninth birthday. We were absolutely exhausted. I didn’t get to ride anything, but that didn’t matter to me. I still had a blast.
With every passing week, my stomach grew, my cravings doubled, and my bladder became more and more nonexistent.
“You just went ten minutes ago, Ames,” Ryan sighed. “Can’t you wait a bit?” I snapped my head in his direction and slapped his arm. He jerked the steering wheel and glared at me before returning his attention to the road.
“I’m carrying your babies, too, and I need the fucking toilet, so pull over!” I yelled at him.
“Jeez, Amber! You can’t hit me while I’m driving!” he reprimanded. “I’m just trying to point out that at this rate, we won’t be home until late, and we have the doctor’s appointment in the morning.”
In the morning, we would find out the gender of our little beans. Celine had been begging to have a gender reveal party. The girl was itching to have a reason to throw another pool party, but this time, just with our families—mine and hers.
“Do you think we should let Celine have the party?” I wondered out loud, glancing over at him, my temper dying away just that fast. Ryan swore my mood swings were going to give him whiplash one day.
“You really are going crazy. Pregnancy brain is a thing. Who knew?” He shot me a teasing wink, making me scowl at him.
“Shut the fuck up,” I snapped at him. “My brain is just fine. At the next rest stop, pull over or you can clean up the mess.” He laughed, shaking his head as I scrolled through my phone, looking at gender reveal videos.
“If you want a party, then tell Celine. If you don’t want one, then we can find out tomorrow in the room. Whatever makes you happy, Ames,” Ryan told me, warming my heart. He was always so concerned for my happiness, and I loved that about him. He was so damn selfless.
The next morning, I still hadn’t decided what I wanted to do. I was confused whether a gender reveal party was really important, or if it was just so twenty-first century. I didn’t like the idea of having a party, but the thought of seeing my parents and sisters after so long was tempting. And sharing in a big moment with them would be amazing.
Ryan, my love, didn’t have much to say on the matter, letting me know this was all on me. Whatever I decided was okay. He was just worried about keeping us safe. He was determined to make sure nothing ever happened to our babies.
Sometimes, I still found it hard to believe that there were two babies growing inside of me—two healthy babies. So, I decided… today, I wanted to find out the genders with the love of my life—not in front of our families but just the two of us. These babies were infinitely precious to us, and I wanted to keep it that way.
“I don’t want to have the party,” I announced once we got in the truck. Ryan watched me fasten my seatbelt, which had become a ritual over the past few months, and then, he looked at me, waiting on me to finish speaking. “This moment—we’ll remember it for the rest of our lives, and I just want to share it with you.”
My charming husband smiled, a huge grin on his face as he reached over to cup my cheeks. “I love you, Amber.” He closed the small distance between us and kissed me with his soft, warm, comforting lips.
I had never loved someone as much as I loved him.
“I love you more,” I whispered against his lips, grateful for this small, private moment with him. We had been through so much in the last few years, our happiness always short-lived, but that was going to change.
Soon, we would be parents.
We waited in the same doctor’s office, and like last time, we were the only ones in the waiting room. Ryan paced the small room, his hands pulling at his hair. “What do you want?” he finally asked, pausing in front of me and squatting down to my level, his hands on my shaking knees. I was so damn nervous.
I really didn’t care. I just wanted to give birth at the end of this to two live, healthy babies. “Healthy babies,” I immediately answered. He nodded, staring at my stomach in deep thought. Absentmindedly, he reached out to caress my swollen bump, a small smile tilting his lips.
“I want two little girls who look just like you.” His blue eyes found mine, and instantly, my eyes welled with tears. I had no control over my emotions, finding myself in tears at least once a day. This man knew just the right words to say to turn me into a blubbering mess.
“And if we have two little boys who look like you?” I asked. He smirked, and I ran my fingers through his growing hair. This man would always be my weakness.
“Regardless of what we have and who they look like, I’m going to love them with my whole heart, and you, my spitfire, will be a perfect mother.” My bottom lip trembled as tears welled in my eyes.
He was so perfect. And I loved him so damn much.
“Amber Wilson,” the same nurse from before called my name and led us back to the room, asking me all sorts of questions. “That smile on your face, dear, is quite contagious.” The woman laughed as she checked my vitals again. “Such an exciting day to find out the gender of the babies!” I glanced at Ryan, unable to contain my smile.
Within a few minutes, I was on the exam table, my growing tummy on display. The doctor spoke with excitement, talking to Ryan and me about a patient he had who was also expecting twins. This was her second set. The idea horrified me, but to be graced with four perfect children didn’t sound like such a terrible problem.
“Any guesses on the genders?” the doctor probed, circling my stomach with the wand as he watched the screen intently.
“Girls.”
“Boys.”
Ryan and I answered at the same time. Our eyes met, and my love for him just about poured from my heart. I loved how involved he was. He hadn’t missed a single appointment yet, and every morning, we had breakfast together, where he watched me take my vitamins, and then every evening after his long day at work, I got a foot massage, and we took a hot bath together.
I had to thank his mother for raising such a beautiful, considerate, caring man.
“Well, you’re both right. Here’s your son.” He showed us the tiny, moving form, and then, he switched to the other baby. “And here is your daughter. Congratulations on the best of both worlds!”
The room faded away as I looked up at Ryan. Tears glimmered in his blue eyes, making them shine. My husband squatted to get down to my level as I heard the doctor quietly leave the room, giving us this moment together.
“Are you happy?” he asked, leaning his forehead against mine.
I nodded. “Are you?” I croaked, reaching up to cup his cheek.
He nudged his nose against mine in a quick Eskimo kiss before claiming my lips with his. His tongue softly glided against my bottom lip, and I submitted to him like I always did when he kissed me like this. He never even had to ask—I was his completely.
I sucked on his bottom lip just as he nibbled on mine.
“Now, can we start decorating?” he breathlessly asked a moment later.
“Yes, baby.” I laughed, relishing in this moment, in this utter happiness. I had yearned for it for so long.
FIVE MONTHS LATER
Ryan rushed me into the hospital. I screamed in agony, my hands clutching at my swollen belly. My water had broken over an hour ago, but Ryan wouldn’t let me drive myself to the hospital, insisting on rushing home from work to get me and bring me himself. My anger had exceeded normal levels of sanity.
“I’m going to fucking kill you, Ryan!” I hollered as he ran down the hallway, pushing me in a wheelchair.
“I’m sorry, spitfire,” he quickly apologized. “Think of the babies. Soon, we can hold our little beans,” he whispered near my ear once he stopped in front of the information desk. “Maternity ward?” he asked the elderly woman behind the counter. She took one look at me and pointed down another long hallway.
“I’ll have a nurse meet you there.” She was already dialing a number on her landline as Ryan turned and rushed down the hallway she’d pointed at. I groaned, trying to remember to breathe as another contraction tightened my abdomen.
“You just had to promise me babies, and then, God gave me two, Ryan!” I snapped once it’d passed.
“I thought that’s what you wanted!” he exclaimed, sounding a bit panicked.
“Fuck you!” I shouted, making everyone near us turn to me with wide, shocked eyes. “I didn’t want to push two babies out on the same day!” I yelled.
“Think about it this way—it’s one less time to be pregnant.” He laughed, earning him a hard slap. I felt the next contraction about to hit, and I gripped the handles of the wheelchair, biting down hard on my lip.
I didn’t want to be fucking pregnant ever again.