Tom
My ears are ringing. I cannot believe what I have been given.
A perfect, unbelievable opportunity. I thought Bill might have been calling me outside for a birthday cigar, or to offer some wisdom for the next decade.
A moment just for the pair of us, away from the noise of the party. I didn’t expect this. He goes on.
Bill lays an entirely new beginning before me. Even after he gave me a start here in Ballycrea, here he is, giving me another. A job with Betty’s brother’s company out in New York.
‘You could make your fortune over there, more than you’d ever make here in Kerry.’
‘Did you ever hear of fireflies? They have them in America. Little insects that light up. Imagine, even their insects are glowing.’
He is lit up like one of those fireflies. And while the words are racing up my throat to accept his offer, I stop when I picture myself leaving. As I go, Jack, Anna and Peggy all crumble to the ground. Unable to stand without me. Unable to carry on.
‘It isn’t that I want to see the back of you, but I want better for you. Do you understand me?’
What would happen to the three of them if I left? Jack would disappear next, he would of course. Leaving Anna to unleash herself. Leaving the past to come into the light. Leaving Peggy without a chance. Peggy has already caused so much damage, it would be a waste to see her amount to nothing.
Would he think I was pathetic if I told him that I’d be afraid to go to New York on my own? If I told him, now that I’ve found him, I don’t ever want to be without him. Do I leave, and pull myself along to glory; or stay, and keep the rest of them from damnation?
‘You’re so good to think of me, Bill, but I don’t know could I go, and leave the family.’
When I die, it will be here, as Tom O’Leary, stuck in a cluster of siblings who will all no doubt draw their last breath at the same time as me.
And while I may never make my fortune or achieve my ambition, at least I’ll have some control.
Now, wasn’t this supposed to be my evening, with nothing to worry about?
Bill isn’t satisfied with my hastiness to decide.
‘Ah, Tom. You’ll think about it.’
Okay Dad.
Back in Kilmarra, I would have taken this chance in my teeth and run off with it. How I want to be that selfish. Would Daddy be more disappointed in me rejecting the offer, or leaving the family? Bill tries to lighten the mood by offering me one of the Moores’ pups.
‘For Peggy, of course. They’re old enough to be away from their mother now, and she’s mad for the animals.’
My head is spinning. The last thing I need is for that child to have a dog, wrecking the garden, disturbing the pony and barking all night. But I tell him I’ll think about that, too.
The weight of my own potential. The fear of a freedom. Doesn’t every silver lining come with a big, dark cloud?