19. Hard
Hard
Nash
W illa slows down as she reaches my truck, and I step out.
“I thought you had things to do? Here I was taking the long way around to make sure you were gone before I got back.”
“Fair enough. Can we go talk? I need to explain some things to you. If you need me to leave after, I will.”
“Sure, come on in.” Letting Fletcher out of the truck, we follow her in. Willa has already distanced herself to the other side of the room, but I need to be close to her. Walking over, she tenses.
“Please do not think I am going to hurt you.”
“I don’t. Just after this morning and the conversations we had, you just turned into a fuckin’ frozen pickle.”
Trying to contain my chuckle at her choice of words, I blurt out, “I know, and I am sorry. So sorry, Willa. This morning was overwhelming to say the least. Your dad brought up the whole army thing...I…I…I was triggered. Literally have been on the phone with Clint since you left to have him talk me off the ledge of leaving you.”
Her eyes go wide, and I know I need to back track fast, but I know I am not mentally or emotionally in the place to handle any of this right. Judging by the look on her face, I am foreign territory now.
“Ugh, I am so fuckstrated! This is not something I need right now.”
“There is that damn word again! What the hell do you mean by that?”
“It means I don’t like feeling like this. Helpless, confused, on the verge of being broken. The need to beg, but my pride refuses to let you see me fall. You make me feel like such a damn girl, and I hate it. Damnit, Nash. I am not going to play the game of you coming or going, having that single thought always sitting in the back of mind that you are going to have to be talked off a cliff of leaving me. Ever heard the term, heart like a truck?” Nodding my head no, she continues, “It means it has been dragged through the mud, beaten up with the dents and scratches to show for it. That my heart is willing to be put in drive to ride with you down whatever highway or backroad we find ourselves on as long as you care for me in all the ways I need and want. But shit, Nash, after this whirlwind of a week, chemistry that could spark Hades flame to only get whiplash by your emotions is too much right now. I have two weeks to get my ass in gear to start qualifying for the American. If you cannot be next to me then I just need you to leave. Today was a lot, I get that. I also know you have your own demons you are fighting, so please go fight them, and then maybe, you will be willing to share with me on what makes you tick. Why you cringe when I touch your side, why you are such a dominant not just in the bedroom but in life, or the vacant look I see in those brown eyes of yours when you think I’m not look’n.”
“Willa, come on. Let’s talk through this.”
“No, Nash. I can’t. Not right now. I need time. This is me being selfish for my own peace of mind and to focus on my goals. Neither one of us expected any of this, so this is the perfect time to digest it all while we figure out our next move.”
“My move is to be with you, Willa.” Moving closer to her, I place my hands on her shoulders.
“Nash,” she whispers while hitting her forehead on my chest. “I need you to go. Please...please don’t make me beg.”
“Know that I am not going to stop wanting to be with you. No matter how much time you need.”
“I really hope not, but it is not just me that needs the time, Cowboy. You need to figure out you . So please go.”
All I can do at this point is nod my head in agreement because I screwed this up. Her eyes are filling with water, and I know she is trying so hard not to break down in front of me. That pride she mentioned, keeping her from falling into my arms, to let me hold and comfort her. I pull her in for a hug, kissing the top of head and taking in her honey vanilla scent one more time. Turning around, I take a deep breath before walking out the door. I lean against the front door for a few minutes. Long enough to hear her body slam against the wooden door then slide down as Willa breaks down. With each sob I hear, my heart cracks a little more. Finding my willpower to not rush in there, to pick her up and hold her, is hard because as much as I despise these unraveling events right now, she is right. I need to fight these demons to move on.
Not sure I am going to get through dinner with my family as my body feels cold and numb without her next to me. My soul is pleading to not become the self-aversion person I was before her. My heart fills my chest with excruciating pain. Finding myself unable to breathe, I rush to my truck, punching the steering wheel, then burying my face in my hands in frustration and tears. I will give her time, us time, because one thing I know for certain is, it has always been her.
* * *
WILLA
With the door being the only thing holding me half up, I lose myself in emotion, not able to think of the last time I cried this hard. When have crocodile tears streamed down my face in a rush? Fuck, never have I ever. Not until now, not until Nash. Not through being abused, losing a title I had in my grasp, the injuries, almost losing my horse, and anything and everything in between has not broken me like he has. As if a piece of me was put back in place, only to be taken away and shredded. The feeling of emptiness is unbearable as I curl up the floor, alone and cold.