31. Sophia
31
Sophia
The cab ride to the hotel was comfortable and flirty. A familiarity has developed with Javi that I was not expecting to remain after our distancing. The time we have spent together on the motocross project has shown we both work together really well. We can pre-empt our moves and fall into a productive rhythm. Javi also showed me that he is capable of supporting and showing up for me when I need him to, or if something is important to me. But I keep battling my own hang ups to let myself be with him.
Javi pushes me up against the wall of the empty elevator as soon as the doors close. His hands are in my hair and his lips crash onto mine, making me breathless and insatiable. Teasing me, he breaks away and doesn’t seem to be as worked up as me all the sudden, driving my need mad.
“I have definitely worked up an appetite following you around the track today,” Javi says, winking and taking my hand. He locks his eyes with mine and kisses the back of my hand.
“I’m sure we can get some room service for you,” I joke, breathy.
Dropping my hand before the elevator opens and giving me a cheeky smile, Javi exits behind me. I retrieve my room key from my pocket, but stop dead in my tracks when I see Perry waiting at my hotel room door.
Perry looks at me and smiles. “Hey, Sophia,” he dares to address me.
“What do you want?” I spit out. Fuck being nice to him.
“I just wanted to come and talk, apologise for what happened,” he replies.
I can feel Javi step closer behind me. The stale air in the hallway feels dense.
“Bit late for that now. Should have been months ago,” I snip, standing up a little taller.
“I know. Are we able to go in to talk?” He motions to my door, but glances up at Javi.
“This is Javi, my rider this year. We are working on a project together.” I offer more information than he deserves.
Javi nods and then extends his hand to Perry.
Perry accepts it and says, “I’ve heard heaps of positives about your season so far. Keep up the good work.”
“Thanks, mate .” I know by Javi’s tone, mate is placeholder for a more apt term.
I can feel the intensity Javi is directing towards Perry. I place my hand on his arm, and he breaks his death stare from Perry. His eyes soften as they reach my own. “We’ll finish things up tomorrow in the pit.” I pull the strap of my laptop bag off his shoulder and place it on mine.
His face slightly contorts at my suggestion.
“Are you sure? I can stick around, if you need me to.”
“It’s okay. This won’t take long.” I send a disapproving glance in Perry’s direction.
Javi stays rooted in place for a moment as his jaw twitches. “Sing out if you need me.”
“I’ll text you a time after I’m done here,” I reply.
He squeezes my shoulder, turns to look at Perry again, and heads back to the elevator.
I let us both into my room and start setting my things down. Getting straight into it, I say, “Say what you need to say, Perry.”
“I want to apologise for how I ended everything between us. I know it was a terrible decision, and I regret it. I’m sorry,” he says.
Do I believe his genuineness? I can’t work out why he is coming to see me now . Looking at him, I can’t pick up anything from him anymore. I decide to move to the small kitchen area, making a tea to busy myself and have a distraction.
“Yup. That’s great. What do you want from me? A pardon?” I ask abruptly.
He walks over closer to me and places his hand on my shoulder. “I was hoping for forgiveness and maybe another shot at seeing each other again?”
Shaking his hand off me, “What? Why would I do that? You threw me away, by text, like I meant nothing. Like two years with me meant nothing.” My voice is shrill.
“I know, and that’s not what I should have done. It wasn’t right. I was not thinking,” he replies.
I look into his face, and I do remember the fun times. When we got to see each other and things didn’t feel complicated.
“I don’t know what to think right now. You hurt me. This has been a really hard year. Mum died after we broke up…” I reply, my voice wavering.
“Oh, Soph. I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” He pulls me in for a hug. He knew how close I was to Mum and how much her death would have destroyed me. And I hug him back because he is familiar. He knew Mum, and that makes tears form and spill before I can catch them. “Shh, I’m here. It’s okay,” he soothes.
The kettle ending its boil helps me break away from him. My head is spinning. I can’t make sense of anything anymore.
“What happened? Did your girlfriend break up with you?” I ask.
He runs his hand through his hair. “No, we just didn’t have what you and I had. I miss you.”
“I don’t understand what you think will happen? I am not giving up any of my work commitments to satisfy your ego and need for a girlfriend to run around tracks after you.” I’m taking no shit.
“What we had was what I wanted. We had a good set up,” he replies.
I finish making my tea. One tea. Hopefully, he takes the hint.
He smiles. “Don’t give me an answer yet,” he starts, “give it some thought and let me know. I’m around until the end of the weekend. How about we have dinner tomorrow night? You can think and we can chat over a meal?”
My breathing gets heavy and my heart rate accelerates. Every muscle tightens and I feel the blood thumping in my ears. Everything feels tense, overwhelming. My thoughts are swirling and refusing to stop long enough for me to make sense of anything in the moment.
“Fine. I’ll text you,” I reply, stepping further back from him. Distance is good.
“Thank you,” Perry replies. “I’ll head off. I couldn’t get a room here, so I am staying at a friend’s a few suburbs away. It was good to see you, Soph.” He easily erases the distance I put between us, and puts his hand on the side of my face, leaning down to kiss my cheek.
I let him because I don’t have the strength to back away. He leaves and I remain shocked in the kitchen, holding the counter so I don’t fall over. What the fuck was that?!
I pick up my phone and start composing a message.
NIKKI! Guess who just left my hotel?
Ohhh?! Another dirty rendezvous with Javi bear?
Nope. Perry!
WTF? What was he doing at your room?
He came to apologise and ask me to go back to him.
OMGoodness! What did you say?
What about Javi?
I said nothing. Javi dropped me off at my room when Perry was waiting for me at my hotel room. I have to message him still.
Someone starts knocking on my door.
Someone is at the door.
I’ll be back tomorrow. We can meet up and chat about it?
Sounds great. Thanks. Let me know when you’re free. x
I make my way to the door.
See you tomorrow. X
I pocket my phone and open the door to Javi.
“Hey, I wanted to make sure you were okay. I was in the hotel lobby and saw him leave,” Javi said.
I motion for him to come in.
“Thanks. True to his last act, he came and completely mind fucked me.” I put my head in my hands.
Javi comes to me and covers me in his arms, holding me close.
“I’m sorry you had to deal with his shit again. Can I do anything? I can go kick his ass for you,” he offers. His hand strokes my hair as my head lays on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
“He said he wants me back,” I say. I feel him stiffened around me.
“Oh,” he simply says, his hand no longer moving, just holding my head to his chest.
“I don’t know what to do,” I say.
While Perry was a dick at the end of our relationship, we did start dating for a reason. Can I forgive and forget what happened for the memory of the good times? And what about Javi? We are secret, on the verge of maybe going official, and we get along so effortlessly. He’s proven himself to be loyal. But our relationship is not what we either of us planned on happening this year.
Javi moves his hands to my face, tilting my chin up so our eyes meet. His thumbs rub against my cheeks, but he is silent. Is this his answer? He’s not saying anything for or against this situation, his feelings about us?
“You can go if you want. This is getting pretty complicated,” I offer.
“Are you going to be okay? I feel like you need some time to process,” he replies, moving his hands to my shoulders.
“I will be okay, and yeah; I need some time for my head to stop swirling,” I say, stepping back from him. I need his hands off me, not teasing or testing me. I don’t even know where his head is at. Where is mine at?
He nods and looks a little forlorn.
“Call me, if you need me. Otherwise, I’ll see you at the track in a few days,” he replies. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he hustles to the door. He opens the door and pauses. “If ‘us’ is too complicated, you can take us out of the equation. I don’t want to add to your stress and worries.”
And it’s a gut punch I wasn’t expecting. My eyes water, waiting for him to leave before the tears break through.