33. Sophia
33
Sophia
It’s a lazy bike ride from the hotel to the coast, a typically balmy Queensland day out. After an impromptu online therapy session and some work distractions this morning, I need a long cathartic beach walk with a few reflective hours taking in the sunshine and the sand under my feet. Watching the waves roll in as the salt spray hits my face. Deep in thought about my situation, I ponder the last two years of my life and what I wanted, with who I thought I wanted. Thoroughly surprised at how blind-sighted I was by Perry’s personality change. While we were connected by shared interests, Perry treating me terribly in the end. I know that I am not so short-sighted to forget what I was feeling. He changed into someone who I would never have wanted to date.
I know I am resisting Javi from getting close to me. After how Perry treated me, like our two-year relationship was nothing, and then Mum unexpectedly dying the following week, it was easier to shut myself off to avoid myself from completely breaking down. This isn’t news to me, but I had been denying and avoiding it.
Until Javi stepped in front of me.
Like sunshine after a rainy day. Helped me heal and slowly work through my grief. Helped me get to a place where Mum’s loss is slowly being replaced by the reminder of her presence and impact. Pushing me to be better, in her honour.
I know I started with Javi for the wrong reasons; stroking my ego and getting my urges met when needed and on my own terms. Giving the illusion that I had some sort of control over my life during an extended time where it slipped so easily out of my control.
What would happen if I let him into my life? What would that look like? Am I over-analysing the situation? Why can’t I go with the flow anymore? Did all this break me too much? Am I incapable of allowing anyone into my life beyond my barriers?
I wish you were here, Mum and Dad. I wouldn’t have gotten this far without you. And you would know exactly the right thing to say to help me find my thoughts in this situation. A tear escapes from my eyes. And another. And another. Until I am sobbing into my knees.
I haven’t cried like this in so long. I miss her so much. I miss both of them so much. I allow myself to continue to cry. No shaking it off. No pushing it aside. No one is here. No one will feel the need to comfort and crowd me.
My crying stops on its own after a while. I wipe my tears away and take a slow, steady breath in. I feel better. Slightly cleansed. Now exhausted.
I pull out my phone and compose a message:
‘Us’ isn’t what I want anymore.
A sense of relief washes over me. I know I have made the right decision.
I open an unread message from Nikki:
Hello! I will be at that cute pizza place at 6pm. I’m dressing up a little, if you wanted to doll up, too. Booking’s under my name. Can’t wait to see you! See you soon! x
Hi! Totally in the mood for pizza. I’ll dress up too. Why not!? Can’t wait to see you, too. See you soon. x
I get up, taking my time riding back to the hotel. No need to rush back.
I decide the twenty-minute walk to the pizza place would be a good idea and opt for my white sneakers, leopard print mini skirt, and a black tee. This is my “dressing up”, and Nik knows it. She didn’t mention meeting up with me at the hotel to go together, so I figured she would have things to do, or something arranged with Dave beforehand. The walk will do me good, keeping my head clear and ready to go through every detail with her.
I walk in and scan the room, but don’t see her at all. I check the time: 6:05 p.m.
“Do you have a booking?” a waitstaff member asks, coming up behind me.
“I should do. Under ‘Nikki Hayes’?” I query.
“Yes, here you are. I will show you to your table.” She smiles, pushing her blonde hair behind her ear. She leads me towards the back of the restaurant.
As I approach the table, it is not empty. Javi sits at the two-seater table at the very back of the restaurant. The waitstaff smiles, waves her hand towards the table, and says, “I’ll be back shortly for your drink order.” And runs off.
I am so confused. “Heeeeey. What are you doing here? Did she show me to the wrong table?”
Javi stands up. “No! No, she didn’t. Did you want to sit down?”
“Okay,” I say, sitting down opposite him. Not even trying to hide the dumbfounded look on my face, I ask, “What is going on?”
“Sorry to spring this on you, but I asked for Dave and Nikki’s help. I am no good at grand gestures, and I didn’t think you wanted anything out in public or around the paddock. But I am just going to say what I need to. I like you. I have liked you since I ogled you in Riley’s pit last year. And all the times before that when we would run into each other through the pits. I started liking you more and more since working in the pit this season, and then on the motocross project together. I kept liking you when you let me in to support you while you grieved. This season I have been at my best, because you bring the best out of me. I want to keep seeing you and seeing where this goes. If you want to do it privately and away from the paddock and teams, or if you want to do it in the open, I’ll do whatever you want to do. I had to let you know because this, us , is like nothing I have ever felt before, and I want to see where we can go.”
Wow. I am blown away. How am I so speechless?
He continues, “Nikki is due to arrive at 6:30 p.m. We had a deal. She can be here at 6:30 p.m. if I have completely pissed you off and you need a drinking buddy to calm your rage. Or you can message her and tell her not come, and I can stay here instead. I wanted to give you a back-up plan.”
I check the time: 6:20 p.m.
Can I function right now?
I pick up my phone and send Nikki a message:
You’re an evil mastermind.
And the best friend ever.
Don’t come. I’ll call you tonight.
Thank you. x
I place the phone down and tears escape my eyes. I thought I was done crying for today?
Javi practically throws himself down on the floor next to me and takes my hands in his, looking up to me.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he whispers, reaching up to wipe my tears away with his thumb.
“I opened a floodgate last night,” I reply, trying to make light of it.
He smiles. “I know things have been tough with Perry arriving suddenly, and I am sorry I froze up last night. I thought not putting pressure on you with my feelings was the best thing, but I needed to tell you. I didn’t want to lose you because you didn’t know much you mean to me.”
“I appreciate the thought. I actually thought you were backing away…” I reply.
“ No , never. You can’t get rid of me that easily. I can’t help but be pulled to you,” he replies. His hands on mine tighten. “But I am honest when I say, I will do this however you want to do this. You just tell me what you want. If you want to try this?”
I dip my eyes away from his. I realise I never gave him an answer.