Chapter 3 #2
“Then stop acting like you are.”
I bit the inside of my cheek. “You so fucking selfish, Inez.”
“How?” Tears threatened to fall from her water line, as she stared at me. “How the fuck am I selfish? I’m trying to fucking live.”
“We’re all trying to live, Nezzy.” My mother wheeled herself over and rubbed her back. “Baby, this isn’t good for you… not this life. Not good for you or your mother.”
Inez lowered her head, torn on how to feel. She had her family begging her to be better, and then the pain begging her to make it go away, even if it was temporary.
“Fuck your family, Nez? That’s what you basically telling me… I shouldn’t have to see you like that… never.” I raised my voice, and my mother placed her hand on top of mine.
“Maxine, no. You don’t need to come over here. It’s under control, right?” She looked to me and Inez.
I took a deep breath and looked across the table, as she messed with the fork in front of her. “You don’t have to live with this.”
“We all fucking living with it, Inez. You don’t think I take the blame for that shit too?” Khaos came from the back room.
Whenever he couldn’t sleep, he always found his way to my mother’s apartment. We both always found our way to Paulette. When I first came home, I came home to more money than I went in with. My first thought was to move my moms out the hood.
She refused to leave what she was used to and moved down to the bottom floor. The landlord had watched us boys grow up and agreed to let her move into a bigger unit on the first floor because she was now considered handicap.
Shit, with the way they were gentrifying Brooklyn, the hood wasn’t even the hood anymore.
I paid her bills and lived with her because I could. She needed my help, and even though she had aids, I liked to be around. The fuck I looked like living in a nice neighborhood, and leaving my mother in the same place we came up in?
“I should have been better… should have not followed behind his father.” She rocked in the chair with her hands over her face, while my mother wrapped her into her arms.
I leaned back in the chair and looked at my cousin. Inez was more than my younger cousin; she was my little sister. I protected her like one, and for the first time, I didn’t know what to do.
Shit, I knew what to do, still, that wouldn’t solve all her issues. Getting clean would only force her to deal with the pain. Might cause her to hate me for forcing her to deal with the pain without an escape.
I abandoned my breakfast and grabbed my car keys and left the apartment, not wanting to deal with this shit today. It was one thing to know what the fuck was going on, and another thing to always have that shit being thrown in your face.
Crying and silently begging you for a way out. The reality was that our family was broken, and I didn’t know how to fix the shit. Money wouldn’t fix all of our problems this time. As much as I wanted it to, I knew that not even time would fix shit.
We’ve had time.
All time had done was make shit worse, the pain hurt more, and the memories seem further than what they were. I jogged down the steps and got into my truck, pulling away from the curb.
A nigga didn’t even have a destination; I just needed to clear my mind. I Just needed to stop hearing the tears. All it reminded me of was the wailing through those prison phone calls. Shit fucked with me, as I shook it off and drove toward a spot that felt safe for me.
Brooklyn was my home.
Every neighborhood, block, or spot, I knew. As a boy having to become a man before he should have, I used Brooklyn as my playground. Doing and trying to figure everything out on my own with a little brother determined to do the same.
These same streets that I loved ended up sending me away from my family. I ran my hand down my head, as I continued through Brooklyn, heading toward Canarsie Pier. For years, this had been the spot that I went to when I needed to think.
It didn’t help that I did some of my dirt in Bayview projects.
Shit wasn’t always good at home when it came to moms. As much as she worked, she still wanted us to remain innocent boys.
She didn’t realize that while she was working to give her boys a better life, the streets were making her boys into men.
Parking, I hopped out and went to sit by the water. I watched as a few Mexicans hung over the railing with a net, catching crabs. That shit was never allowed, but nobody gave a fuck about rules.
Rules were meant to be broken, and those crabs they caught were meant to be eaten. I leaned back on the bench and inhaled the smell of sea water in the air. My phone buzzed, and I ignored it while closing my eyes.
Taking in the air, I allowed myself to breathe. I was usually the calm one, the one who thought of solutions and fixed shit, but today I couldn’t do that shit.
My phone buzzed again, and I looked at Cappadonna’s name coming across the screen.
“Yeah.”
“Assalamu alaikum,” he greeted.
“"Wa alaikum assalam,” I replied, leaning back on the bench with my eyes closed.
“Shit cool, G?”
“Fam shit… what up with you though?”
“Block party… forgot, nigga?”
I laughed because it had slipped my mind that quick. “Nah.”
“You straight, G?”
“Not really, but not bout to get into that right now… I’ll be there, Cap.” I assured him.
It was Labor Day weekend, and right before school started, Brandon did a back-to-school block party to give back to the kids. Every business on the block participated, including the tattoo shop that Havoc and Sim owned.
“Look, I know you may look at me like a guidance counselor, but I’m also—”
“Cappadonna, leave me the fuck alone,” I laughed, because only this nigga could make me laugh when I felt like the walls were closing in on me.
He did the shit on purpose because he knew it would make the people around him feel better. Cappadonna may have been the oldest out of Capone, Corleon, and Capri, but the nigga was like a big brother to everybody. Always down to toss out wisdom and help you learn from his mistakes.
“Love you, fuck nigga.”
“Yeah, love yo touched ass too… see you in a while.”
“Bet… one.”
“One.”
I ended the call, shoving my phone into my pocket, while taking in the fresh air.
People took fresh air for granted, but not me.
When that shit was taken away from you, and all you had to inhale was bounce that ass while being housed in a cell block with all men, you learned to appreciate the small shit in life.
Whenever I saw the sun rise or set, I always took a moment to take it in. It was something beautiful about taking in Allah’s creations and taking a minute to bask in it. Life was always on go, so you often forgot to stop and smell the fucking flowers.
It was the reason I sent my baby flowers every week. She was all work, and I wanted to be her reminder to stop and smell the roses.
She was my rose, and a nigga couldn’t wait to stop and smell her.
All of her.
All the kids were getting their face painted, bouncing on the bounce house, and lined up to get fake tattoos. Me and Havoc were seated under the tent where he was applying water on the fake tattoos for the kids.
“Fuck you so quiet for?” I whispered, forgetting the kids were lined up to get their fake tattoos.
Havoc looked from the little boy he was putting flames on and then looked at the sponge and water bowl beside him. “You could help.”
I snatched the sponge out the bowl, and Elijah jumped off the line and ran over toward me. “What up, Prince Inferno?”
“Ain’t nothing but the sky.” He smirked.
When I first met Elijah, he was this meek little boy that almost cowered whenever you spoke to him. He was so broken, and it broke my heart because no child should ever feel that way.
There was this confidence that he had now. That Inferno confidence that Sim instilled in him. He walked with his head up and wasn’t afraid to speak his mind. I loved witnessing him come into his own and get the love he always deserved.
You taking too slow, look at the line. I watched him sign something to Havoc, who snorted.
His hands were occupied. “I have my ears on.”
“I know.”
“So, everybody knows sign language but me?”
Elijah giggled. “Havoc teaches Zayah, so I’m learning too.”
“Zay is a damn baby.”
Havoc shrugged. “My God daughter will know how to communicate with me since you bozos never cared to learn.”
“I don’t even wanna talk to you using words, you think I’m about to use my hands to do it?” Me and Elijah both broke out laughing.
I put the flames on Elijah, and he ran off to go and show Peach, who was still waiting in line. “Mini Lady Inferno, what up withcha?”
She smiled and came skipping over. “Goon!”
We hit the IG shake, and she gave me a hug. “What you want to get tatted?”
“I want the white flames like Suga mama.”
Today, Capri was getting her flames, and Ryder wanted to be just like her step mama. Everything that Capri did, Ryder wanted to do. She wanted to be a lawyer like Capri too and started using her old law school textbooks.
“As you should… you know why her flames white?”
“Cause Suga mama is very important, and she has to wear different hats, but she’s always an Inferno.”
“My girl,” I held my fist out and she dapped me up before I layered the tattoo she wanted onto her arm.
Me and Havoc got the kids in and out of the tent, and then they were off to find something else to do. “You straight?” I questioned.
Havoc was naturally quiet. You weren’t going to get much conversation out of him. Yasin was the mouthpiece between both of them. Half the time, this nigga didn’t have his ears on, so he wasn’t listening to us.
“Heard Synthia got a boyfriend.”
“Word?”
“Yeah… Kobe let the shit slip when we went out to eat the other day.” He cleaned up the area and tossed the napkins that he used to dry the kid’s arms into the trash.
“What is the real hold up when it comes to Syn? You both be in each other’s skin when we out the country, but when we come home it’s like you strangers.”
“Tiny different.”