Chapter 4
ZOYA
I watched as Gerald dapped Quasim and Cappadonna before getting on his bike and heading off the block.
I didn’t miss how he looked at his phone, shook his head, and then decided to leave.
After the situation with his parole officer, I never knew what Gerald was into with women.
Did he have a situation with another woman that he was keeping tucked away from me?
He had been chasing behind me, but maybe this was all an act.
Something to do.
He did have a situation going with his parole officer, which ended up with his ass going back to prison. When he called me, I wanted to slap his ass upside the head. I had a soft spot for Gerald, and my heart and mind were constantly at war about it.
I felt weak if I allowed him to know that I had feelings for him. It almost felt like I was letting myself down by admitting that I could possibly let a man in. Sigel didn’t count because my feelings did grow, but I already knew how to deal with him.
Shit.
It sounded crazy that I was even trying for a baby and had miscarried one from him. Even though I knew better, I still wanted a child. Why would I waste money at a sperm bank when I had a man lying beside me nearly every night?
If shit went left and my brother killed Sigel, at least I had a baby out of it.
I was prepared to be a single mother and raise a child.
Secretly, that was the reason I adopted Bando.
I needed to prove to myself that I could love and care for someone, or something other than myself.
There was this deep yearning to become a mother, and I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.
One day, I woke up and realized just having a relationship wasn’t enough. Spending all my time alone wasn’t enough for me and I craved something.
Someone.
A little me that looked into my eyes and would never turn their back on me. A mother’s love was one of the strongest loves in the world, and I knew I could be that. The voice in the back of my head told me that I would be a shitty mother.
“You alright over there?” Blair nudged me gently, causing me to snap out the daze I had been in.
Gerald was long gone and both Quasim and Cappadonna were now crossing the street. “Yeah. Are you alright?”
Blair took a moment and didn’t rush to speak. “Why do you do that, Zoy?”
“What are you talking about?” I tried to brush the conversation I had been avoiding having with both Capri and Blair.
It was easy to brush things off when they were focused on their families, and Quasim healing. Both of them were pregnant so their focus was different, and I appreciated that. I liked to sit in my own feelings and deal with things alone.
“Brushing off the fact that you’re not alright like you’re pretending. Zoya, I know when someone isn’t alright. I’ve been there.” She held my hand and smiled at me.
“B, I promise that I am alright. Just stressed from work… that is all.” I lied right through my teeth.
It had become easier to lie to the people that cared about me. When Don questioned if I was alright, I could always put it onto work, and he would ease up on me. Work was stressful and I did have a full plate, but my life felt so pointless.
What was my reason for getting up every morning? I had worked so hard to get away from that space I used to be in, so hard to fight my way out of feeling how I had been feeling lately. Depression was like fighting the darkness with a blind fold.
“You sure, Zoya?”
“Yes… I’m sure.” I laughed, putting on an Emmy winning smile to convince one of my best friends that I was alright.
Quasim held the door open for us as we entered the tattoo shop. Havoc dried his hands, as he walked over toward the small stool he would be sitting on.
Everyone was quiet as Havoc put gloves on and got everything prepared. Capri plopped down in the chair, as Ryder stood beside her. Meer came over and sat on the stool next to Ryder, as they watched Capri.
Cappadonna and Capone had finally finished their squabbling outside and were standing nearby. Erin and Alaia stood near their husbands, while Yasin, Kincaid, and Wylie stood on the other side.
Quasim stood next to his wife, as he looked on at his sister-in-law. Capri was officially becoming an Inferno Goddess, Lady Inferno. It was a title she had earned, and it wasn’t given to her. She had gotten out in those same streets and held her own like the men.
My best friend was a fucking bad ass, and nobody could tell me different.
Whenever we happened to be in the same court, I smiled on the inside seeing her command the courtroom.
Knowing that she was playing both sides like me brought me immense pride.
The system wasn’t made for us to win, so we had to play both sides to demand the justice, and to shift some cards so that we always came out on top.
“Ready, Lady Inferno?” Havoc asked.
She smiled. “Yeah.”
Kiki rushed into the shop and smiled. “Good, I didn’t miss it.”
“I missed you though,” Yasin said, and she waved him off, and went to stand over next to him.
“Sis… Capri Inferno, it’s a pleasure and fucking honor to make you a Goddess.” The door opened behind him, and Papa Inferno came and stood beside Quasim. “Sharing a last name with you is the biggest fucking honor and flex.”
“You earned those flames, Pri… put the work in and never broke. The coldest, boldest, and baddest on a bike. Stepped up for this family when you were needed and never let us the fuck down.”
Capri smiled, as she swiped away her tears.
“Sug… watching you on your bike… watching how you command the streets like you were made for them. It’s my biggest honor to ride beside you, knowing that both our wheels are always gonna turn into that driveway for our kids.
I’m so proud of the woman you have become.
The mother that you are, and the damn wife you are.
I’m most proud of the woman you’ve become, Sug.
Niggas counted you out and ended with bullets in their face.
Ain’t no fucking body like my wife… mean that, Sug. What I told you from day one, Suga?”
“I’m pressure.”
He kissed her teeth, as she hugged him. “Better fucking know it.”
“Baby Doll, riding behind you brings me the most joy. Seeing you step into your role, command your role… shit is amazing to witness. Long as I got air in my chest, your big brother is always riding behind you with a smoking gun.”
“Pri, you already know how I’m coming behind you. Always,” Capone said and smiled.
Ryder kissed her stepmother. “Suga mama… I’m gonna sit in this chair one day and get the same flames. Just like you.”
No one dared to correct her, because as much as Meer would steer his daughter away from being an Inferno Goddess, she and Elijah were Infernos.
Like she would take her spot as a Goddess, Elijah would eventually find his way to being King Inferno.
Both Sim and Meer knew that there wasn’t anything either of them could do.
“Lady Inferno to the King,” Elijah saluted his cousin, and Quasim looked down at his son with this pride that was so strong that even I felt it in my chest.
Ryder ran over there, and they hit the IG shake, and laughed with each other. The two of them were not only cousins, but best friends. Ryder Inferno and Elijah Inferno were going to be a force to be reckon with.
“Pri, it’s always a pleasure and honor having you ride in my place.
Never pressuring me because I’m Queen Inferno.
You hold me down and always have. I’m blessed to call you my sister.
Always my Lady Inferno,” Blair held up her index finger next to her middle finger, curving her thumb to make IG.
“Gods burn the faces of their enemies,” she chanted.
Every member of the Inferno Gods that was in here did the same sign, including Capri. “The flames burn slow because the Gods are Inferno.” Quasim finished, as he kissed his wife’s temple.
Havoc looked at all of us before the tattoo gun turned on and he started on Capri’s flames. She was getting white ink, and her flames were placed further up her forearm.
The men went out to shoot the breeze and bullshit, leaving the shop for us ladies. Capri had her eyes closed, while Meer remained seated by her. “You delivered our daughter with no medicine… you got this shit, Sug.”
She opened her eyes and poked her lips out and he kissed them. “Not by choice.”
“Still did that shit.” He removed her stray hairs from her face. “You always do the hard shit with grace… shit always been in you, Mrs. Inferno.”
“Meer, when you gonna sell classes on being a good man to these bums?” I said.
“The fuck? Goon ain’t no fucking bum.” Meer nearly snapped his neck in my direction, and I laughed.
I rolled my eyes. “I was never talking about Gerald. He’s a special kind of man though.”
“One you keep running from.” Blair crossed her legs, popped a piece of gum and gave me that who gonna check me look.
“Have any of you ever thought that I might be saving him?”
“From?” Capri questioned, with her eyes still closed.
“Me.” I whispered.
Meer, who always had a joke as a response, looked over at me with this somber look on his face. “I believe you. Also think you’ve closed your heart off for so long that there’s a part of you that’s scared too.”
“Not easy to let someone in. I’ve done that in the past and ended up hurt. Trusting people makes me break out in hives. Not the easiest to trust.”
“Especially being a Caselli,” Blair muttered.
I watched as Meer looked at his wife, then he looked over at me. “Had she been scared and allowed her past pain keep her from letting me in, we wouldn’t be here, Zoy. We wouldn’t have this life that both of us wanted. Letting someone in is easier said than done... I get that shit, foreal.”
“Meer, don’t act like you let me in… he refused to let me in at first.” Capri laughed, as she called him out.
“Yeah?”