Chapter 18
ZOYA
Gerald was holding me to allow him to give me a full body massage. With the way life had been, I wasn’t going to turn it down, even if I thought it would suck. I was secretly hoping it led to sex.
And I wasn’t mad about that.
Since meeting Gerald, I had been questioning how he put it down. When we were in Barbados, he woke up the next morning with his morning wood, and I had to pretend I felt nothing. My eyes were wide as I stared at the wall, just knowing he knew exactly what to do with it.
When he stood up that morning, I could see it just lying there in his briefs.
One swift movement and his dick would have been out.
People didn’t understand how hard it was to be unbothered.
Especially when you saw what your crush was working with, and he was moving nonchalantly like he didn’t have a damn iron rod for a penis.
After dinner, we walked along Bourne Square holding hands.
It was sweet, because whenever we held hands, my brain shut off.
I wasn’t looking around or caring about my safety.
Feeling Goo’s hand tightly hold mine, pulling me in front of him whenever the sidewalk became slimmer, and people were on the other side.
When I tried to walk on the outside of the sidewalk, he got pissed and kissed his teeth and mumbled something in the same accent his mother had. He pulled me to the inside of the sidewalk and pinched my ass, telling me to stop playing with him.
I finished the shower and wrapped myself in my robe that I traveled with. It was a soft gray cotton robe that fell to the floor and covered every inch of me. I had two, one for home and one that I used whenever I traveled.
Goo was in the living room with his head back and eyes closed. This man carried so much, and knowing the situation with his cousin, I felt guilty. Guilty for putting up such a fight when all he wanted to do was love me.
When you met him, you would think all was perfect in his world.
Not that his mother was an amputee, his cousin was addicted to drugs, or the fact that he lost his younger cousin.
That was a heavy load to carry, and it made my heart ache knowing he carried it without burdening anyone else with his shit.
Gerald was such a light presence, always there to make you laugh, and you never had to ask, ’cause he was always there.
We had more in common than I thought.
“Could smell you before you hit the living room, Baby,” he spoke, his eyes still closed, as I stood near him.
“What I smell like then?” I stood behind the chair he was in and rubbed his beard. He kissed the inside of my wrist.
“Ginger.”
“Hmm, what else?” I spoke softly, closer to his ear.
His nose nuzzled closer to my neck as he kissed it softly. “Something with tea.”
“You got a good nose.” I giggled and kissed his lips.
It was hard for me to give myself to a man. I often got in my head that I was doing too much, giving too much. Maybe I was coming on too strong. Naturally, I retreated and pretended like I didn’t care.
I knew it was trauma from that relationship when I was fifteen, and every other relationship I had after that. Now, as a grown woman, I could tell that a man preyed on my innocence. Didn’t matter if I lied, or the fact that I wanted to be grown.
I was fifteen, and he was a grown ass man.
“Where your mind go?” he questioned, looking right up at me.
“You don’t even want to know,” I kissed his cheek and hugged his neck. “Who’s house is this?”
“A friend rents it out during the summer… looked out and let me use it for the weekend.”
“It’s really a beautiful home… it feels so cozy too. Like I’ve been here before… I can’t even explain.”
Goo kissed me. “Maybe it’s not the home and it’s the person.”
I smiled. “Maybe.”
“Look at me.”
Our eyes met, and he stroked my face. I would have said beard, but luckily, I saw my Asian lady before he decided to be spontaneous and take me away.
“Yes.”
“I was made to love you, Boobie… this not bullshit to me. The first time I saw you in that cell, I knew.”
“That your new lawyer was supposed to be yours?”
“Fuck yeah. Wanna know what confirmed it for me though?”
“What?”
“When we were in that room in Barbados together. I held you in my arms and felt you melt, Zoya. You melted against me. I could feel your hesitation, but you eventually allowed yourself.”
“Allowed myself to what?”
“Feel, baby… let me in…. promise that I’m gonna show you everything I been saying. Let me lead… you don’t have to be big dawg no more… let yo man be that.”
“Oh, so you my man?”
He leaned up, standing up and stretching. I watched as he came around the chair and snatched me up with ease. There was no struggle in the way he lifted me up, and I giggled like an idiot.
“I’m not even gonna ask if I’m heavy.”
He kissed me. “I owe you a massage.”
“This is make it or break it, Pumpkin… you might never get to touch this again.” He shifted me and tossed me over his shoulder while I screamed. “Gerald, my ass is going to be out.
His ass ignored me and slapped my ass, while he carried me to the master suite that was on the main floor. “I’m gonna have to see it anyway.”
“Don’t you drop me, Gerald!” I hollered when he pretended to drop me, as I held onto the door frame.
“I’m fucking with you… let go.”
When we entered the room, I became misty eyed. He had candles lit with soft music playing from the television. “When did you do all of this?”
He lowered me onto the bed. “While you were taking an hour shower.”
“This is so sweet, Goo.”
“Gerald… I’m your masseuse. How you doing, Ms. Caselli?”
I snickered. “Oh, we role playing? How much for a love me long time?”
“Yo, shut up.” He pushed me back onto the bed and leaned over me. “Answer my question.”
“I’m fine.”
“Baby, I need you to get used to me asking that. It’s my job to know how you feeling always… before anyone else, I should know what’s going through my woman’s mind. How I can fix it…. Hear me?”
“Yes.”
He kissed my chin softly and then pulled back and looked at me. “Tell me how you want me to treat you, Boobie? A man that can’t take direction isn’t a man… teach me how to love you.”
My hand rested on the side of his face as I looked up him. “Want me to answer honestly?”
“Yeah.” His voice was low, full of anticipation.
“Fragile.”
I half expected him to laugh because the answer sounded stupid when I said it out loud. Instead of laughing or making me feel ashamed, he kissed my neck. “Tell me why you want me to handle you like you’re fragile.”
As I looked into his gentle eyes, I choked over my words. “Means you’ll be careful with me… won’t toss me to the side. You’ll be intentional with me.”
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“No one has ever been?” he gently questioned.
I shook my head no, while he swiped away my tears. “No one.”
This was starting to feel like a therapy session, and I didn’t like how it felt. I felt exposed, and uncomfortable because I was allowing someone to see the pieces of me that I had become good at hiding.
“I need you to understand something. Zoya, I’m always going to handle you with care.
Works both ways, baby, I need you to allow me to do that.
I need you to give yourself to me and want to give yourself to me.
Trust that I’m never going to fumble you because I’d rather die before I do some sucka shit like that. ”
“I’ve always had to be strong… It was something we all had to be. There was never any room for me not to be, Goo. Shit is hard allowing someone in. Giving someone access and permission to break every part of me because I finally gave them that piece of my heart.”
“Give me that piece, Zoya. Trust me to come through on my word. I’m not those niggas from your past. Beloved, I shouldn’t have to pay for their crimes. I’m here until we sitting in our yard watching our generations play… I put that on Koko.”
I busted out laughing and then winced. “Ouch… oh God… why, Goo? It’s Roxy.”
He laughed. “I’m not even leaning on you for you to be yelling ouch… you been wincing all night, the fuck wrong with you?”
“Not sure if I should even tell you.” I tried to wiggle out from under him, and he held me in place.
“Tell me.”
“I refuse.”
He tickled me and I screamed out, squirming while trying to get away from him. “Okay… Okay,” I finally surrendered.
“I’m waiting… I’m gonna start biting you next.” He softly nibbled my neck, and I squealed, trying to move from under him.
“I’m ovulating, and those cramps are just as bad as my period cramps.” I admitted, knowing I opened up a can of worms.
Whenever I was ovulating, I would end up leaned on the sink breathing through them. Women couldn’t catch a damn break. First, we had to bleed for five to seven days, then we had to experience cramps when the egg dropped.
If you were getting fucked frequently, you had the option of that egg becoming a baby. Pregnancy came with its own struggles, and then there was labor and postpartum.
When the hell did women get a break?
Yes, if we were lucky with a man that wanted to be a father and partner, that was one less thing to worry about. However, he couldn’t take the pain for you.
He was just a green flag waiting in the corner while your coochie was being busted open.
Honestly, it was our fault as women. While we were riding dick and having the time of our lives, we weren’t thinking about those things. Next thing we knew, we were sitting with a stomach full of semen, and a baby that would end up looking like their father.
Despite all of that, I still wanted to experience it.
I wanted to play the lottery of genetics and see what we could come out with. Did that make me crazy?
Goo gently kissed my chest up to my lips and looked at me. “Let me take that pain away from you.”
I laughed. “Pumpkin, you cannot fix all my problems.”
He kissed my lips. “I’ll damn sure try.”
“I know you would.”
I watched as he leaned back. “Let me make us parents, Boobie.”
“You play too much.”
“I’m serious.”