19. Chapter 19
Chapter 19
Kieran
“Where did Anders go?” I ask Wulfric later that night.
Wulfric swirls his spoon through his boar stew. “I am unsure. Anywhere in the nine realms.”
I don’t like how shuttered his face is, his voice devoid of emotion. It makes me worried he’s closing himself off again.
I blow on my food, hot from the cauldron and delicious. “Is it completely random?”
“Random? Do you mean does one have any control over their destination through the portals? It is unclear. Some think we can choose our destination. Others think the gods choose for us.”
“What do you think?”
Wulfric sets down his mug of ale, foam in his beard. “I think that we go wherever we are needed. By our choice, by the gods’ choice, who can say? All I know is you materialized right in front of our ships.”
A smile tugs at my mouth. “Are you saying we were destined to meet?”
“Yes,” he answers without hesitation. “And it’s my hope that Anders has gone wherever he is destined to be. Or to who he is destined to be with. I hope so.” Sadness falls like a veil over his face.
I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for him today. Reaching across the table, I try to take his hand, but he jerks out of my reach. Damn it. He is pulling away. “Hey. Listen to me.”
Wulfric takes a sudden interest in the contents of his mug, swishing it around.
“You did what you had to do for your pack. Anders was never going to stop challenging you. He was never going to be who you needed him to be. You did the right thing.”
“He hated me.” I’ve never heard his voice so soft before. “All these years, he blamed me for our mother’s death and for stealing his time with Father away from him. I never knew. I never understood how hurt he was.” He swallows audibly, his eyes taking on a sudden sheen. “That I was the cause of all that hurt.”
I wish I knew the right thing to say to ease his guilt. I think it’s something he’ll just have to work through.
“Kieran?”
“Yes?” My heart skips when I look up and find Wulfric glowering down at his food. His hand is curled into a fist on the table. Whatever he wants to say, it can only be bad news.
“Do you—” Wulfric cuts himself off, his lips pressing into a thin line.
My mouth is dry. “What is it?”
Wulfric’s heart races fast in my ears, and then he shakes his head. “Nothing. Never mind.” He grabs his empty plate and carries it away. Then he goes to the door, tugging on his furs. “I’m going out.”
“When will you be—”
The door slams behind him.
A sick feeling churns in the pit of my stomach.
What was Wulfric going to ask me?
I clear my plate and get ready for bed. Crawling beneath the blankets, I lie awake and wait for him to come back. I can’t feel him through the bonds, which means he’s closed himself off. It hurts that he can’t be open with me about how he feels, but I don’t know how to ask for that without pushing him further away.
Sighing, I close my eyes. He’ll come back when he’s ready. Won’t he?
From far away, howls light up the night. I know Wulfric’s howl without having to guess, even though his bond is muted. Two other voices harmonize with him. They can only be his brothers. The song the brothers sing is so full of heartbreak that it makes my eyes sting. It’s a song for the missing, for the man they once called brother.
At least he isn’t alone out there.
I stay awake as long as I can.
Come morning light, Wulfric still hasn’t returned.
Helga and I both jump when Wulfric marches suddenly through the door during lunch. I want to be relieved, but I’m also pissed. Where does he get off leaving for hours and stomping back in whenever he feels like it?
“Where have you been?” I snap, lurching to my feet.
Wulfric averts his gaze like a scolded dog. “With Gunnar and Lyall.”
“Why did you…” I glance at Helga.
She coughs and clears her throat. “Well, would you look at that? I’ve got to tend to the garden!” She hurries outside.
Taking in a slow breath to calm myself, I say, “Why did you close our bond again?”
Wulfric scratches the back of his neck. “I needed space.”
“From me. But not your brothers.”
His nostrils flare. “It isn’t like that.”
“Yeah? It sure feels like that, Wulfric. It feels like you don’t trust me to understand what you’re going through or to help you.”
Shaking his head, Wulfric says, “I do trust you, Kieran.”
“Then why do you shut me out?” The shout escapes me before I can strangle back all my anger and hurt. “We’re mates and where I’m from, that’s equivalent to marriage. In a marriage, you trust each other. I know you’re going through a lot right now, but running away into the woods and keeping the people who lo—who care about you at arm’s length isn’t the answer.”
His eyes narrow. “I didn’t run away. What are you calling me, a coward?”
“No!” I snap, slamming a fist down on the table.
“And how do you expect me to deal with all these feelings you claim I have? Talk about them? Cry about them? Like a child? Is that how men do things where you’re from?”
“I’d prefer that to you shutting me out!”
“Enough. I’m not talking about this anymore.”
I throw up my hands. “Oh, okay! Yes, Alpha, whatever you say. Want me to shine your boots or pull the stick out of your ass while I’m at it?”
Grinding his teeth, Wulfric looks away from me. There’s a defeated slouch to his shoulders and before my eyes, the fight goes out of him. Like he’s given up.
Fuck. I’m being an asshole. “I’m sorry.” My throat thickens. “I get it. You needed space. That’s fine. I was just worried about you. It’s good you were with your brothers instead of by yourself. I just wish you’d let me be there for you, too.”
“I can never do the right thing, not even with you. Maybe—” Blowing out a sigh, he shakes his head like he’s fighting an internal war with himself. “I don’t know how to be what you need, or what my pack needs.”
“Wulfric—”
Suddenly he says, “I’m going to get firewood.”
There’s already wood by the fire.
He leaves again before I can stop him.
Unwilling to sit around and worry, I leave the house to perform some of my Alpha-Mate duties, which are… Honestly, I still don’t know what my duties as Alpha-Mate entail, but I would imagine helping out around the village would be a start.
I go from home to home, checking in and making sure my pack have what they need. I write a list of things each household requires, and then I check in on the former thralls, now employees since Wulfric has started paying them wages to take care of the chores.
Their conditions are slowly improving. For starters, they are no longer in chains and the overseer is more diligent in reporting back to Wulfric and me about what they need. I walk among them and learn their names, checking in to make sure their needs are being met. We have a long way to go in improving their quarters and eventually I want them to earn enough to start building their own homes off of our property.
They seem happier and healthier now that they’re getting more nutrient-dense meals and having their medical needs met. Who would have thought? It still bothers me how poorly they were neglected before, but I’m hoping we can keep improving.
Horse hooves clop behind me on the village road. “Hail, Alpha-Mate.” It’s Gunnar, riding atop his horse.
Of all the brothers, I’ve interacted with him the least. He’s always gone out of his way to avoid me.
“Hey. Going somewhere?”
“For a hunt. Join me.”
Like Wulfric, he’s a gruff man of few words. “Sure.” I don’t have many plans anyway.
Once we’re in the woods, Gunnar hitches the horse to a tree, then calls upon his furs to change shape. Pulling up my fur hood, I morph into my white wolf and follow Gunnar’s big gray wolf into the trees.
Gunnar scents the air. “Smell that? A reindeer.”
The meat will make a good meal for the village. Together, we weave through the trees, following the musky scent and the hoofprints in the snow. Gunnar is stoic and silent as we lope along, his breath streaming in clouds from his snout.
“So, you hunt a lot for the village.” My small talk skills are truly terrible.
“Aye. I do. I prefer being among nature than in a populated area. Have my own cabin a few miles from the village.”
“That’s nice.”
I pause to sniff a tree where the reindeer rubbed itself against the bark, leaving behind a tuft of hair.
“You and Wulfric hunted down the guys who hurt me, right?”
Gunnar growls, his lip rolling back to reveal sharp white fangs. “We did.”
“Thank you. You didn’t have to do that for me.”
Gunnar swings his big head toward me. “Of course I did. You’re one of us. Pack. I didn’t see it at first. Humans have a bad history with our kind. My little brother has been hurt enough, and I did not wish to see him hurt again by your kind.”
“I know. I understand that. If anyone hurt Wulfric, I’d rip them to pieces.”
Gunnar makes a pleased growling sound. “And that is how I know the Norns were wise to bring you together. When you stood up for him against Anders, I knew my brother’s feelings for you were not misplaced.”
The lone reindeer comes into view between the trees. It’s a young male, grazing from the forest floor.
“Keep low and quiet.” Gunnar lowers himself to the ground, and I imitate his stance. We advance slowly from behind the reindeer. I tread on a stick, snapping it. The reindeer bolts. Gunnar huffs beside me. “You still have much to learn.”
I flatten my ears. “Sorry.”
Gunnar bumps against me. “Don’t be. I will make a hunter of you yet!” He takes off into the trees, and I follow.
We wind up catching and killing the reindeer, but it takes over an hour. I’m exhausted when I shift back and help Gunnar load the reindeer across his horse’s back.
“Good hunting. You did not hesitate to go for the throat,” Gunnar says with admiration.
“Thanks.” I’m still picking reindeer hair out of my teeth, though. “Think I feel more at home around the village, though.” I wince, hoping he won’t think less of me.
Gunnar frowns thoughtfully. “Mayhap if more people valued the comforts of home over their bloodlust and greed, the world would be a kinder place.” We’re quiet for a time as we walk back to the village. As the familiar huts and chimney stacks come into view, Gunnar says, “I apologize, Alpha-Mate, for the way I treated you when you first arrived.”
“You thought I’d attacked your brother. It was justified.”
“Wulfric explained what truly happened. Another trick from Anders. Still, I was too hot-headed. And then again, during your heat, I…” His cheeks redden and my own face burns. “Behaved inappropriately. I apologize for that as well.”
I cough. “Don’t worry about it.”
“I admit, I envy my brother. No one has spoken to my wolf since… Leif.” Gunnar looks away, becoming distracted by picking a leaf out of his horse’s mane.
“He was your mate?” I guess.
“Leif was not fated for me, but he was the one I chose. I doubt there is another out there for me. It’s just as well. I prefer my solitude.” For all the surety with which he speaks, I get the feeling he’s trying to convince himself. “Sooner or later, the berserker rage will take me. It’s for the best I keep my distance.”
“Hey, come on, don’t think like that. You’ll find someone.”
He just shrugs. “I’d better get this butchered. I will see you later, Alpha-Mate. It was a pleasure.” A smile, surprisingly soft and warm, forms beneath his rugged beard, and then Gunnar turns and leads his horse away.
I watch him go, sympathy squeezing my heart. I’m worried about him. It sounds as if he’s resigned himself to being alone forever and eventually becoming consumed by the beast within. I hope there’s someone out there for him, someone who can be to him what Wulfric is to me.
Unwilling to return to the village and mope around waiting for Wulfric, I decide to walk along the beach. I’m enjoying the cold wind on my face and the roar of the ocean when a sudden flash of light blinds me. To my surprise, Lyall rows to shore. There’s a defeated slump to his shoulders as he leaves the boat, boots sloshing in the waves that laps at the stony shore. He pockets a branch of Yggdrasil, drags his boat the rest of the way ashore, then freezes when he sees me. Panic makes his eyes widen.
“K-Kieran. I… I was just going fishing! Didn’t catch anything, though. Better luck next time, I suppose!”
“Do you travel to the future a lot?”
Suddenly, he marches toward me. “Don’t tell Wulfric.” He grips my shoulders hard. “You can’t. If he knew, he’d never approve. I know it is unmanly to beg, but I will do it if I must.”
“Whoa, whoa! Hold up. I’m not telling Wulfric anything. I promise. What you do is your own business.” But I am curious as to why he goes so often and why Wulfric would take issue with his time traveling. “I really won’t tell Wulfric. Your secret is safe with me. But why do you go to the future? Why would he be pissed at you for that?”
Lyall gnaws his lower lip. “Because it’s the only way I can see him. My mate.”
“Oh,” I say a little breathlessly. “You have a mate in the future? But why would Wulfric be angry about that?”
Lyall parts his lips, then takes a step back from me. “I can’t say. I’m sorry but I can’t risk anyone knowing who it is I’m seeing.”
Now I’m really curious, but I don’t want to push him. “Okay. I get it.”
He smiles. “Thank you. Do you plan on returning to your time?”
“I did,” I answer. “Not anymore, though.”
He cocks his head. “Why?”
Smiling, I say, “I guess you guys aren’t so bad—dog breath and wet fur smell aside.”
“Hey!” He punches my shoulder. “Well, you should probably tell Wulfric that. He’s been quiet, and when my brother gets quiet, he’s usually thinking. And Wulfric thinking isn’t good for anyone, but especially not himself. He can take himself to these dark places, and it’s difficult for even Gunnar and me to pull him out of them.”
His words make worry churn in my stomach, and I want to rush home and see Wulfric now. “I will. Thanks, Lyall.”
I jog home, eager to see Wulfric. I need to get through that wall he builds around himself and get him to tell me what’s wrong before he does something stupid.
Wulfric’s scent carries to me on the wind, and so I follow it toward the stable. Inside, Wulfric stands in front of Fenna’s box stall. He brushes her white mane and strokes her nose, murmuring gently. My heart all but melts at the sight.
Those stormy eyes find mine. “Will you ride with me?” There’s something I don’t like in his voice, heavy and forlorn.
“Sure.” My heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach.
Wulfric leads the horse from her stall and stops her in front of me. Once I’ve climbed up, Wulfric sits behind me. The warmth of his powerful body compels me to relax, but I’ve got a sinking feeling something is wrong.
With a click of his heels, Wulfric urges the horse into a gallop from the stables. The village blurs around us as we run until we’re out among rolling hills and rugged wilderness. I don’t know where he’s taking me, but my heart sinks more the further we get from the village.
“Wulfric, where are we going?”
His hands tighten on the reins.
“At least tell me what we’re doing.”
“Something I should have done sooner.” The resignation in his voice only makes me more nervous.
The trees clear, and we arrive on the same beach we visited yesterday. The beach where we saw Anders off into the unknown. Icy fear falls into my stomach like a chunk of ice. I know what he’s doing, and I don’t like it.
Wulfric dismounts from the saddle and approaches a rowboat. “I made you a deal, Kieran. If you mated with me, I would keep you safe until you could return home.” He stares out over the rolling waves. Wulfric is a big man but against the endless horizon, he looks smaller than I’ve ever seen him.
“But I confess, I’ve been selfish with you. I haven’t wanted you to leave. When that happened, I cannot say, only that I dread waking up without you beside me, never eating meals with you…” His hands curl at his sides. “But I cannot keep hurting the people I care for. You deserve to be back in your own time. If that is what would make you happy, then I cannot keep you here. No matter how badly I wish for you to stay.”
My hands shake, so I squeeze them into fists. I haven’t been cold in a long time, but the wind off the water cuts right through me.
When he turns around, Wulfric holds a branch of Yggdrasil. I want to smack it out of his hand. “One of Yggdrasil’s roots twists far beneath the water. The branch will react to Yggdrasil’s magic and take you home.”
My eyes sting, and there’s a lump in my throat. “You want me to go?”
“No.” The word breaks on his tongue. “The idea of parting from you cleaves my soul in half. But I cannot keep you here if you would rather be somewhere else. So if you still desire to go home, then I will not stop you.” His eyes glisten wetly, but the stubborn man refuses to shed a tear.
Relief bowls over me, making my knees shake. Wulfric wants me. That’s all that matters. In a few short strides, I throw my arms around him. He’s completely stiff, like he doesn’t know if this is a goodbye hug or an I’m-never-leaving-you hug.
“You are my home. You, Wulfric.”
The breath catches in his chest and then his arms are around me, crushing me to his body.
Curling my fingers in his hair, I tug him down and his lips find mine.
“Thank the gods,” he whispers, voice trembling.
Wrapped in each other’s arms, we stand on that beach together until the sun sets into the ocean behind us.