20. Chapter 20
Chapter 20
Wulfric
Kieran chose me.
I don’t know how or why, but I will forever thank the gods that he did.
Once we return home, we lie beneath the furs, hands intertwined. The wind howls outside, but otherwise the world is quiet and still. “Why?” I ask.
Kieran makes a curious sound as he kisses the back of my knuckles.
“Why did you choose me?”
Kieran stretches out on his back. “I got to know the people here. Adjusted to this new place. Realized a certain moody, broody Alpha wasn’t as cold-hearted as he seemed.” His leg bumps mine beneath the furs.
“I’m… broody?”
“So broody.” He rolls over and kisses my shoulder. “So broody, in fact, you’ve been agonizing over whether you should be selfish and make me stay. That must have been killing you. I wish you’d just said something.”
I wish I had, too. “I tried.” My throat feels tight. “Every time I thought to ask, I would lose my voice. Like… in a nightmare, where you try and scream but you can’t.” Kieran’s gentle fingers run down the column of my throat, then curl in the hair on my chest. “It felt like… terror. Because what if you had said yes? What if you had left?” Just thinking about it makes me feel cold all over. “I’ve never been scared. Before a fight, aye. But not like this. Not until you.”
I can’t look at him, worried I sound like a fool.
Kieran curls into my body, laying his head on my chest. “I know what you mean. The thought of losing you terrifies me.”
I exhale all the breath I didn’t know had been stuck in my lungs. “It’s good I’m not alone in these feelings.”
“No. You’re not.” He takes my hand and holds it tight. “You aren’t alone, Wulfric. Never. And it isn’t your fault Anders was hurt. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
All the warm, fluttery feelings turn to ash in my chest. I did. But if I tell him my greatest, most shameful secret, will Kieran change his mind about me?
“You’re a good brother. A good alpha. Your parents would be proud.”
I try to breathe, but my chest is too tight. It’s like chains have wrapped around my lungs.
“Wulfric?”
I need to get out. Kicking off the furs, I stumble from the bed.
“Wulfric, don’t!” Kieran’s bare feet slap the floor, and then his hand is around my wrist, tugging me back. “Don’t do this. Tell me what just happened. What did I do wrong?”
My eyes burn and my throat aches.
“Talk to me.”
I can’t speak. I couldn’t bear for him to know the worst part of me and hate me for it.
“Was it… your parents? Wulfric, you have to know they’d be proud of you.”
“Stop!” I wheeze. My chest feels like it will tear open. I hunch over, protecting the most vulnerable parts of myself from the claws of guilt and grief. “Please. Stop.”
“Why?” Kieran asks, voice shaking. He lets go of my wrist, but I’ve lost the will to run. Instead I fall to my knees beside the fire and curl into myself, trying to be small. Praying they don’t see. That they won’t kill me like they just killed my father.
I can’t keep the poison inside any longer. It’s been building for years, eating me alive. If I don’t tell someone, anyone, then it will keep on sickening me.
“I killed my father.” It’s like a dam breaks. The memories crash over me, drowning me.
“What?” Kieran whispers, and the shock in his voice makes me flinch. Oh gods. He hates me.
“A-Anders was right.” I suck in a wrenching gasp. Something wet streaks my face. Blood. The blood of the dead and wounded lying all around me will always stain my skin. “He’s dead because of me. Because I—” A strangled noise escapes me.
I can feel Kieran’s presence beside me, kneeling close by, but I can’t see him through the ocean spray that clouds my eyes. All I can see is the masked hunter towering over my father, blade drawn back. And I can’t do a damn thing about it.
“I watched him die, and I did nothing. ”
I robbed my brothers of their father. Anders would never have turned on me if I hadn’t taken our father away from us.
“I should have died. It should have been me.”
A gentle hand touches my shoulder. I jerk back without meaning to, gasping through the tightness in my chest.
“You can feel however you want.” Kieran’s voice shakes. “I’ll never understand the kind of guilt you’re feeling. But I know you, and I know you did everything you could.”
“I didn’t!” I snarl at him, hardly feeling any guilt when he flinches from my outburst. “I did nothing but lie there and watch him die!”
“Okay.” He squeezes my shoulder. “Take some breaths for me, Wulfric. Okay?”
“C-can’t. Chest’s too tight. I—”
“Tell me something you can see. Something you can smell, or touch, or hear. Anything.”
Spots pop in front of my eyes. “I… Uh… You. I smell you.”
“What do I smell like?”
“I don’t know! Plants.”
“What kind?”
I growl at him. “Too many.”
“Name a few, come on.” He rubs my shoulder, the gesture soothing.
Breathing in short starts, I pant, “Lupine. P-poppies. Pinecones and sweet sap. Grass.”
“Something you can hear?”
Nothing at first, not around the blood roaring in my ears, but I’ve got to try for him. My own heart drowns out everything at first, but then I hear it. Thump. Thump. Thump. Steady and low. Soothing. Craving more of that sound, I lean into Kieran’s body, my head to his chest. “Your heart. The birds outside. The wind. The fire crackling. Your breathing.”
“What can you touch?”
My shaking hand glides over the floor. “The ground. The w-wood.” Then I grip his leg. “Your clothes. Your thigh. Your hand.” I find his hand and squeeze tight. As I start to concentrate on things outside of my anguish, the storm inside me slowly blows over.
When I open my eyes, I’m lying with my head in Kieran’s lap, staring into the dying firelight. Gentle fingers sift through my hair, scratching my scalp. My face is wet, and I realize I haven’t cried since I was a small boy, still soft to the ways of the world. I thought I would feel shame but something inside me is lighter. I told Kieran the worst part of me, but he didn’t push me away.
“You didn’t kill your father, Wulfric.”
I swallow hard. “Not directly.”
“You didn’t. He died in battle, defending his people. If he was a good father—”
“He was.”
“—and you had died in his place, he would have never forgiven himself. He knew the risks. He died for you and your pack willingly, not because of you.”
Swallowing hard, I croak, “I was so close to him. If I’d just had the courage to stand up, I could have…” Tears spill down my face before I can fight them, and I hide my face in his lap. Kieran strokes my back and my shoulders. “I couldn’t move. I was petrified. All I did was watch as that bastard ran him through.”
“It wasn’t your job to die for him.”
I don’t agree at all, but I can’t seem to speak anymore.
“You stayed alive for your pack, to be the alpha they needed. Have you ever talked to Gunnar and Lyall about this?”
“No!” I look up at him, wide-eyed. “They would despise me.”
Framing my face in his hands, he thumbs away my tears. “How do you know that?”
I can’t say how I know, only that I do.
“I don’t think Lyall is capable of hating anyone. That guy’s a golden retriever in a man’s body. And Gunnar’s a hard-ass, but he’s a big softie. Talk to them, Wulf. You’ve been carrying this pain around since you were a kid. It must be killing you. And you guessing how they’d react can only make it worse. Tell them how you feel and let them decide how they feel. Don’t decide for them.”
I can’t promise I’ll do any of that. Reaching up, I trace the shape of his jaw. “You are a wise man, Kieran Grove.”
He chuckles. “Good to know all my years of therapy paid off somehow. You know, what you’re dealing with sounds a lot like PTSD. That’s post-traumatic stress disorder.”
“What is that? A sickness? Ulfhednar can’t get ill.”
He rubs my chest. “It’s a sickness in the mind, not the body. You survived a traumatic experience, Wulfric, something your body can’t comprehend you lived through.”
I swallow hard. That doesn’t sound good. “Is there a cure?”
Stroking my hair, Kieran says, “In my time, some people take medication or go to therapy. But here… that stuff doesn’t exist yet. You’ve suffered enough without keeping all those feelings to yourself.”
“It’s not the same as what you have? Generalized anxiety disorder, right? What is that like?”
Kieran bites his lip. “I don’t know. It’s like… I’m never certain of anything. I second-guess everything. Myself, other people.”
“Do you second-guess me?”
He blinks fast. “Sometimes.”
Reaching up, I cup his face in my hands and draw him close. “Then you should know the moment I saw you, it was like the universe righted itself. Everything I’ve ever done, all that I’d been through, was so I could meet you. For the first time in my life, my survival no longer felt like a mistake. There was a purpose to it, a design. I lived when my father died so I could find you, Kieran. I know it makes me selfish, because I cannot bring myself to regret it.”
A shivery exhale escapes Kieran. “Wow.” Sniffling, he quickly wipes his eyes. “Sorry. That was… a lot. Nobody’s ever said something like that to me. Ugh. I’m a mess. Hang on.” He scrubs his eyes with his sleeve.
“No, you aren’t.” Speechless, I can only gaze up at him. Kieran is strong. I’d never have guessed he had such demons inside him. “You’re the strongest man I’ve ever known.”
“So are you.” He massages my cheekbones, then my brows, and my body relaxes into his touch. “All that messy stuff on the inside doesn’t mean we can’t be strong.”
I’ve never thought about it like that before. “I… I’ll think about it.” Maybe he is right. Talking about it might help. “I wish there was another way. That the demons that plague you could take on a physical form.”
“Why?” he whispers, his lips inches from mine.
“I’d fight them all for you, and I wouldn’t stop until I’d won.”
A smile lights up his face, and he draws me in, claiming my lips with his.
“So would I.”
And if by some miracle I hadn’t been in love with Kieran Grove before, I am now.
And I pray I’ll never stop.
A month passes. It’s a blissful one, full of mornings spent in bed worshipping every inch of my mate’s body, working around the village, and drinks by the fire with my brothers and my mate. Most days I spend time at my cabin, whittling away at a gift I started making Kieran before I disappeared into the woods. For the first time in a long time, it’s easy to feel at ease.
Despite showing him the weakest side of myself, being around Kieran hasn’t been a hardship. There have been times I’ve wanted to run away from it all, but Kieran pulls me back from the edge. We do some ridiculous breathing exercises every morning. At first, I found them boring, but there’s something special about simply sitting quietly with him, neither of us expecting anything from the other but his presence.
I have never felt for anyone the way I do for Kieran.
Gods above, I love him. Deeply. I just wish I could find the right time to tell him. Words have never been a skill of mine, so I aspire to prove my love with actions and focus on finishing his gift.
Laying down my whittling knife, I breathe a satisfied sigh. After several days of carving, at long last Kieran’s gift is done. I only hope he likes it. I leave the solitude of my cabin and trek back to the village. As much as I hate to admit it, Anders’s absence has been good for the pack and for me. I can breathe more easily knowing I don’t have to worry about him challenging me every chance he gets. All these years I’ve been anticipating an attack from him and now the threat has passed.
The longhouse is warm and quiet but not devoid of life. The former thralls are bustling about in the kitchen, but there’s a different air about them. They talk quietly to each other, laugh and smile with an ease that was missing not long ago. I need to remember to pay them later for their work. Construction has begun on a proper bunkhouse for them. It will be a bigger and more comfortable place for them to live in.
“Everything all right?” I ask them. I like to think I’ve been better about asking their names and inquiring after their needs.
One of the women, Hekla, nods. “Oh yes, Alpha.” She goes back to talking to the cook.
In the bedroom, Kieran has his back to me as he adjusts the quiver of arrows over his shoulder. “Oh, there you are. I was about to go and train the kids. Where’d you go?”
Making sure my hands are behind my back, I just shrug. “Out for a bit.” I clear my throat, suddenly nervous. I hope he’ll like my gift. “I’ve, uh… been working on something for you.”
Those bright blue eyes sparkle with interest. “Really?”
Suddenly, I’m second-guessing everything. What if it isn’t good enough? Should I have spent longer on it, refined it more, mayhap? “Never mind.”
“What?” he squawks. “Seriously? You can’t tell me you got me something then just walk away!”
“I just realized it’s not very good.”
Rolling his eyes, Kieran reaches toward me. “It’s my present. Let me decide. Give me!”
“Fine,” I grumble and shove the object at him.
Kieran’s eyes widen. “Is that a… an instrument?”
“It’s called a lyre.” I hand the instrument to him. “You said you played a stringed instrument, so I thought…”
Kieran swallows hard, his eyes shining. “You want me to play it?”
“That’s what it’s for, isn’t it?” I huff, face burning. “I made it myself. Wood, some bone, and horsehair for the strings.”
Kieran’s mouth falls open. “You made this?”
“Aye.”
Shaking his head, Kieran runs his hand over the sanded wood surface, then gingerly plucks the strings. “My god. Wulfric. I can’t believe it. This is beautiful.”
“I can teach you—if you like. If you don’t want to, I can just—”
Kieran crashes into me, wrapping an arm around my back. He buries his face in my chest. “I’d love that. Thank you. Thank you so much. This is…” Pulling back, he wipes his eyes. “Wow. This is amazing.”
Relief glows bright and warm in my chest. “You like it?”
“I love it! I can’t wait to play it.” Grinning, he plops down on the bed and cradles the lyre in his lap. I sit behind him and position his fingers over the strings. Following my movement, Kieran strums them, producing a gentle melody.
Kieran leans back into my body, and peace unlike anything I’ve ever felt settles over me. For so long, I thought the greatest glory in this life would be to die in battle and go to Valhalla. Now that I have Kieran in my arms, I can’t imagine anywhere else in this world I would rather be. Soon Kieran familiarizes himself with the strings and creates a beautiful melody.
“I’ve never heard a sound so lovely,” I whisper into his hair.
The strings squeak as Kieran suddenly stops playing. He shivers against me and I think he’s cold until the scent of his tears hits my nose.
“What is it, little rabbit?” I press my lips against his hair and stroke his arms.
Sniffing, Kieran laughs shakily. “Sorry, sorry. Don’t know where the waterworks came from.” He wipes his eyes, then turns in my arms and huddles into me. His beard scratches my skin as he kisses my neck, then peppers kisses along my jaw. “You really mean that? It sounds okay?”
“Have I ever said something I don’t mean?” I rub his back.
He huffs, his breath warming my skin. “Okay, got me there. I used to write music with my ex-boyfriend.”
Anger heats my skin. “This boyfriend… what was his name?”
“Mark. We’d just broken up in my timeline before I came here. We’d been together three years.”
“That’s a long time.” Is it possible Kieran still has feelings for him? I tighten my grip on him, growling low in my chest. “And you don’t still care for him? At all?”
A soft chuckle escapes Kieran. “I did at first. He encouraged me to write songs and pursue my passion.”
“What made you leave?”
“I found him in bed with another guy.”
My fingers freeze in his hair.
“So I left. Went to Iceland with my friend Amanda to get over him. He kept texting me, trying to make me take him back, saying how much he misses me.” He sniffles, and his tears drip onto my shoulder. “He t-told me I was nothing without him. That people only liked my songs because he’d helped make them, and I… I believed him. So I stopped playing. I let him destroy the only thing in life I was ever passionate about.”
Rage makes my blood boil. Gripping Kieran’s face in my hands, I make him look me in the eyes. “You will not take him back. Whatever he is to you, whatever he could have been—it does not matter. The moment I claimed you and you claimed me, you surrendered the right to lie with any other man again, and so did I. The names of any who came before me are never to be spoken in my presence again. They no longer matter, because they were unworthy of you.”
“Really?” Kieran’s voice shakes, and his cheeks are splotchy. He blinks quickly, his eyes damp. “He sure did a good job of making me feel unworthy.”
I wonder if I ever made him feel that way. The thought makes me sick. “If I have ever made you feel that way, then I will spend the rest of my days making it up to you. I’m the one who was unworthy of you. You came into my world and made me see things differently. I’d never thought to think of thralls as people. It was never something I’d questioned until you showed me another way of thinking. You showed me a human can have the heart of a wolf. Helped me accept the fragile parts of myself I hate the most. You are a beautiful soul, Kieran Grove, and so is your music.”
I love his music, and I… I love him, too. By the gods, I wish I had the courage to tell him.
Wiping away the tears flowing down his cheeks, I say, “The man who hurt you was but a stepping stone in the river of life that led you to me. You belong to me, little rabbit, and I belong to you. The only way we shall ever part is in death and even then I will find you in the world beyond this one.” I brush my thumb over the scar from my bite in the crook of his neck.
Kieran shakes his head, gazing at me in the way one might gaze up at the stars. “I’m never letting you go. I had to cross a whole other time to find you, someone who appreciates and supports me when no one else could. I wouldn’t change a damn thing.” His lips find mine, urgent and so full of passion, I feel as if I will float away. “Wulfric, I—”
My heart knows what he will say, and the answering words soar to my lips, ready to be set free. But then Kieran says, “I do want to go back to my time, though.”
A cold rock falls into my stomach. “O-oh.” My voice sounds so feeble, I have to clear my throat.
Kieran snorts. “What? Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re a kicked puppy.”
“Not a puppy,” I snap at him.
“Just let me explain. Geez. Someone’s clingy.” Kieran runs his fingers through my hair. “I wasn’t lying. I want to stay here. This place is my home. You are my home. But I have people back in my time who probably miss me. Or might even think I’m dead. I need to go back and let them know I’m okay. It wouldn’t be for long, just long enough to reassure them. Then I’d come back to you. I promise.”
The knot loosens in my chest. I believe Kieran. I trust him. “If that’s what you want to do, then I will have Helga give you her branch of Yggdrasil. Just…” I’ve loved and lost so many times. It’s hard to say goodbye and trust that it won’t be forever. “Say it again.”
Pressing his lips to mine, Kieran whispers, “I’ll come back to you. I promise.” Closing my eyes, I lean into the press of his lips and let his promise wrap around my heart.