Thirteen
Natalia
I forgot how physically taxing it was to be emotionally vulnerable.
It had been years since I’d sobbed like I had just now. It had been even more years than that since I’d been this upset and had someone willing to comfort me.
I wasn’t aware of precisely how much time had passed, but I knew it had been a long while. Maybe that was the result of keeping everything bottled up for so long. The moment the floodgates were opened, I couldn’t do anything to stop them.
Reid had been nothing short of amazing. He didn’t hurry me or become annoyed.
He was so attentive, patient, and utterly reassuring.
The entire time I spilled those tears of sadness and heartache, he simply held me, stroked his hand up and down my back, and soothed me with whispers of comforting words.
The tears had finally stopped flowing, but it took some time for my breath not to hitch every time I attempted to breathe normally.
It didn’t seem to matter that I’d slept for the better part of nearly two days. After all the crying this morning, I was beyond exhausted.
But I couldn’t sleep.
I needed to deal with the current situation, which had me settled in Reid’s lap with his arms wrapped firmly around me.
With my head tucked under his chin and my cheek pressed against him, I closed my eyes and relished the comfort I found in his embrace. God, it had been so very long since I’d felt anything so wonderful.
And while I knew there wasn’t anything romantic behind it, the simple fact remained that until Reid gave it to me, I hadn’t realized just how desperately I needed this. To be held, to feel safe. To feel like I was cared for on some personal level.
Reid had said a lot of harsh things to me before, but I didn’t think I could consider him to be completely heartless when he’d spent nearly every moment since Friday afternoon looking after me. That had to count for something.
I inhaled his scent, allowed it to soothe me one last time, before I finally pressed a palm to his chest and lifted my body away from his. That alone had felt like a tremendous loss, but when I did the right thing and scooted out of his lap, I wanted to burst into tears all over again.
Reid offered no indication of his thoughts, about whether he appreciated me moving to the open cushion beside him or if he would’ve preferred that I stay where I was.
But there was something I couldn’t miss, and that was the absolute warmth and softness in his features.
If I didn’t know any better, I might’ve thought he’d want to do anything he could to take away my pain.
“I’m sorry,” I croaked, my throat painfully dry.
Confusion leaked into his expression. “What, in all that just happened, could you possibly believe you have to apologize to me for? You haven’t done a single thing wrong.”
There was such compassion and understanding and tenderness in his tone. I almost wasn’t sure if this was the same guy I’d been working with for the last three weeks.
“This isn’t normal for me,” I murmured. “Breaking down into tears like I just did. I’m usually the happy one.”
He reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze. “Even the happiest people have moments of sadness, Natalia. And considering all that you’ve been through, especially over the last few days, I think you’re allowed to feel some sadness and despair.”
I squeezed his hand in return before releasing it and said, “I appreciate you saying so. But beyond that, I’m truly grateful to you for not running out the door the moment I lost my cool in the kitchen.”
One half of his mouth quirked with a slight smile. “I think that you and I have very different ideas of what losing one’s cool actually means. Between the two of us, over these last three weeks, I’d say I’ve lost my cool far more times than you.”
I couldn’t say I disagreed. His willingness to admit that made me send an appreciative smile his way. “Fair enough.”
For a beat, Reid and I sat in silence, the two of us allowing our eyes to roam, but I wasn’t quite sure what either of us was searching for.
Eventually, Reid broke the silence. “I cannot tell you how sorry I am to learn about all that you’ve endured in your life, Natalia.
That you’re able to be so happy and productive and friendly and compassionate is truly a testament to just how lovely a person you are.
But I can’t say that I’d blame you if you weren’t all of that.
If you felt sad and anxious and heartbroken and lonely, I’d understand that. Worse, I’d get it if you were fearful.”
Tipping my head to the side, I considered all that he said.
It felt wonderful to hear him say such nice things about me—though I would have loved to hear them days ago in his office instead of what he had said.
Of course, I was also curious about the other things he said.
“I think I do a good job of hiding how heartbroken and lonely I am. Trust me, I feel it plenty. But I can’t bring myself to dwell on that, not when I’m in this place now.
As for fear, do you think I should be afraid? ”
He shrugged. “I’m not necessarily saying that. But I would understand if you were.”
“I used to feel that way all the time. In the years immediately after my parents died and I was living with my uncle, and in the time that I’d been with Tim.
It wasn’t until I came to Sandstone Heart, until Barrett had so graciously given me the help I needed, that I truly began to feel safe.
It took time, but I got there eventually. ”
Reid nodded his understanding. “And now?”
“Now?”
He swallowed roughly. “If you don’t want to discuss it now, I understand, but your ex approached you after years of being apart and did what he did to you.
I don’t know where or how it happened; I don’t even know what exactly happened, but after going through something like that, I’m wondering if you’re feeling scared again. ”
In all that I’d already shared with Reid, I hadn’t managed to tell him what happened on Thursday after I left work. Maybe it was time to give him that.
I exhaled deeply. “Normally, I don’t venture that far off the retreat, but after work on Thursday, I went to Lake Erie.”
“Wait. What?”
“What?”
“You said that you don’t normally venture that far off the retreat, but Lake Erie is a matter of twenty minutes away from here.”
I nodded to confirm he’d gotten that correct.
“Yes. More than any other place, Lake Erie is one that I’ve avoided for years.
And it devastates me, because I used to go there all the time with my dad as a kid.
It’s where he taught me how to skip stones.
The problem is that Tim knows that, and I didn’t doubt he’d hope to find me there one day, so I never went. ”
Anger flashed in his expression. “All these years you’ve avoided going?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry.” I could hear genuine sorrow in his tone. It bothered him to know I’d avoided a place that had been so special to me, and there was something about that I found endearing. “So, you decided to go on Thursday?”
Realizing that what I said next could impact Reid so negatively, I hesitated to answer him.
But the expectant look on his face made it impossible to ignore the question completely.
“Whenever I’m upset or want some quiet time to clear my head, I enjoy skipping stones.
I always just go to the lake that’s here, but… ”
“It’s right near my cabin, so you wanted to avoid it at all costs,” Reid guessed.
My chin dipped slightly, and with my voice barely a touch over a whisper, I answered, “Yes.”
Regret consumed him. As he shook his head with disappointment, he swore beneath his breath and muttered, “I’m the reason this happened to you.”
Even if the way he’d treated me in his office had been the catalyst for why I went to the lake, Reid was not to blame.
As I’d already mentioned to him, this had happened enough in my life, long before I ever met Reid, that I knew who was responsible.
“It’s not your fault that Tim put his hands on me. ”
“No. But I’m the reason you were there to begin with, so we’re going to have to agree to disagree on this.”
Although I didn’t know much about Reid, I believed I knew enough to recognize that I wouldn’t be able to change his mind.
So, I decided the best thing I could do was get back to giving him the facts.
“It’s been eight years since I’ve seen him.
How he managed to pick that day to show up at the lake is beyond me.
And it wasn’t like I was there for a long time, either. Not even an hour.”
“Did he say anything to you?”
I shook my head. “Not much beyond pointing out that I was there at the same time as him and gloating about the fact that nobody else was around. There wasn’t a chance I was going to get out of there without him doing some serious damage.”
For a long time, Reid didn’t say anything.
But it wasn’t because he didn’t have any thoughts about everything.
I was willing to bet it was quite the opposite based on the look in his eyes.
Reid had entirely too many thoughts running through his mind, and it was likely he just couldn’t begin to sort through all of it.
Ultimately, he asked, “Does he know you’re here? ”
“No. No, I don’t think so. And Tim is the kind of guy that would have been here years ago if he’d known where I was.”
Reid didn’t relax at all. He didn’t seem the least bit reassured. “Are you confident?”
I lifted one shoulder toward my ear. “I’m as sure as I can be.”
“Okay. And how are you feeling now as it pertains to your injuries? Was there anything the doctor was particularly concerned about?”