Fourteen #2
I blinked away the thoughts that had been running through my mind. “I’m just wondering what I can do to convince you to take one more day off from work.”
She shot me a look of surprise. “You’re the boss, and you’re suggesting I avoid going into work today.”
I nodded. “Yes. I think you deserve to take a little more time to heal.”
“I’m alright, Reid. If I thought I wouldn’t be able to do my job properly, I wouldn’t go in.”
Was it weird that I was struggling with this more than she was? “You’re so calm and put together after enduring something so horrific.”
Her eyes dropped to her plate, and she pushed her food around absentmindedly as she considered my words.
Eventually, she lifted her chin to look at me again.
“I endured a lot at the hands of my ex during the time that we were together. And when I finally worked up the courage to leave, I gave him far more headspace than he ever deserved. He took up too much space in my mind and my heart, and he didn’t deserve a place there at all.
I don’t want you to think that I’m not impacted by what happened.
Obviously, I am. It hurts, and it’s scary, and I’m devastated that it happened again after all these years.
But I’m here. I’m here, and my body is healing, and I know that my mind won’t be far behind as the days go by.
I’ve learned my lesson, and I know not to leave here alone. ”
“That’s just it, Natalia.” I wiped my fingers on my napkin. “There was no lesson for you to have to learn. I know you love it here, but you shouldn’t feel like a prisoner here, because you had valid reason to fear him out there.”
She shrugged. “It’s the way it is. Being here is no hardship for me.”
“I know you feel that way. Trust me, I do. But you deserve more than that.”
Natalia’s features softened, her shoulders dropping. “Maybe. But I’m okay with this, too. And I don’t think I need to take another day off from work.”
“What about half of a day?”
Soft laughter spilled out of her. “Why would I do that? It’s Thanksgiving week. This is the start of one of my favorite times here at the retreat.”
She didn’t do anything to make things easy for me. Because no matter how much I believed she should’ve taken the time off, there wasn’t anything I could think of that I wouldn’t do to make her happy.
“I was thinking I could take the morning to talk to you about something,” I shared. “I intended to give this to you on Friday when I came here, but obviously, circumstances put it on the back burner.”
“What do you want to talk to me about?”
I took a deep swallow. “I think you deserve to know why I lashed out at you the way I did on Wednesday. I’m not looking to make excuses for treating you the way I did.
There’s no excuse, and I’m truly sorry for it.
But I think you’ve earned the right to understand where my moodiness these first few weeks here stems from. ”
In an instant, she perked up. Evidently, Natalia was intrigued. “Okay, Reid, you’ve convinced me. I’ll go in to work later this afternoon.”
Smiling appreciatively at her, I said, “Thank you.”
“Of course.”
I’d convinced myself I was ready to share this information with her, and deep down, I truly believed she deserved to hear it.
But it wasn’t something I’d ever really talked to anyone about, so I took me a moment to work up the guts to just come out with it.
Natalia, to her credit, seemed to understand I was having a tough time, so she waited patiently and continued to eat her breakfast.
I just needed to do it. Like ripping off an old bandage.
“This place never meant to me what it means to you,” I began, noting the way her eyes lit with curiosity. “In fact, I might go so far as to say that I despised this place for as long as I can remember.”
Confusion mixed with surprise. “Why? How is that possible?”
Was I wrong for telling her this? My father had been such an integral part of her healing journey. I didn’t want to taint that for her.
“As a kid, and then a teen, Sandstone Heart was really only ever a place that I saw my father constantly escaping to,” I shared.
“He was here all the time, rarely ever home. And I hated that. I hated that his way of spending time with me was dragging me here to do things I didn’t want to do while he worked.
In the rare instance that he did stop working long enough to spend time with me, we had to fish.
I hate fishing. I would’ve preferred spending time with my friends, hanging out at home with my mom, or doing just about any other thing imaginable instead of being here.
No matter how many times I told him, he didn’t get it.
He refused to see it. All he cared about was this retreat. ”
In a move I hadn’t anticipated, Natalia reached her hand out to cover my arm. “I’m so sorry, Reid. I had no idea.”
Ignoring how much I liked the way it felt to have her hand on my skin, I said, “You don’t have to apologize to me.
I realize it’s stupid, especially now that I’ve heard your story.
But for all those years, all I could see was my dad devoting all his time and energy somewhere other than to his family.
Because it wasn’t just him working a normal nine-to-five job.
I woke up many mornings to find that he’d already left.
And I went to bed some of those same nights without ever seeing him. ”
“It’s not stupid. You were a kid, and you wanted your dad.
As someone who has wonderful memories with her father, I can’t tell you how devastated I would’ve been to miss out on making those memories.
You have a valid reason for feeling the way you do.
I truly believe that. But I guess I’m still confused.
I don’t understand why you would come back here to fill his position if you hated it so much.
Plus, what does any of this have to do with me and why you were upset with me? ”
I parted my lips to give her some answers when I realized I couldn’t.
I was bound by the terms of that contract, and I couldn’t utter a single word to her about my intentions.
But I guess there was one small piece of truth I could give her.
“For as much as he was absent all those years ago, my father was rattled by what happened to my mom a few weeks ago. He knew he couldn’t devote the time to this place that’s needed while also making sure he helps my mom through her recovery.
She deserves to have that, and I am willing to do my part to make sure her husband is there for her through this. ”
Natalia smiled at me. “You’re a good son, Reid.”
I huffed. “Yeah, I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Anyway, a few days ago, one of my mom’s friends came to the house to visit with her, so my dad took the opportunity to make a quick stop here.”
“Right. I recall running into him on my way to your office. He looked like he was distracted, and if I hadn’t yelled out to him, he wouldn’t have seen me.”
That sounded about right. “After the way things went down in his office, I understand why.”
“What happened?”
I couldn’t tell her the specifics of the conversation I’d had with my father, and I hated that. But I had to give her something.
“My father and I have had a tumultuous relationship for years. I honestly can’t remember a time when it was ever great between us.
It’s a big part of the reason I left here years ago and moved to Pennsylvania.
We don’t get along. We never have. And when he stopped in last Wednesday, I wasn’t expecting him.
The specifics of our argument don’t matter so much.
It seems we argue the minute we’re in each other’s presence.
The only thing we both have going for us is that we love my mom dearly.
I think that’s the only reason we tolerate one another.
Anyway, we argued, I was frustrated, and then you showed up.
It does not excuse how I behaved toward you, but I wanted you to understand. ”
Sympathy was etched onto Natalia’s features. “I appreciate you sharing this with me, Reid. It does help to know it wasn’t me you were upset with.”
I hated that she’d ever thought that was the case. And with it being after we’d had so many good days was even worse. “Never. Not for one second. I really am sorry.”
“I know.” She reached for my hand again and squeezed.
“For what it’s worth, Reid, I honestly believe your father doesn’t just tolerate you.
I’ve known him for years, and there wasn’t anything in his voice but pride every time he spoke about you.
That isn’t a man who tolerates his son. That’s a man who loves his child. ”
I sighed. “Natalia, it’s complicated?—”
“I know it is. I won’t pretend it’s as simple as I’d like to think it is. All I’m saying is that if you should ever decide you want to fix whatever it is between the two of you, I don’t think he’d ever turn it down.”
Whether it was just me needing not to stomp on the hope that I heard in Natalia’s voice at the possibility of a reconciliation between my father and me or if it was my own wish to see us get somewhere far more amicable than we were now, I didn’t know.
Evidently, there was a lot I didn’t know when it came to my dad and the things he did here.
This was going to take some time to sort out.
Either way, I decided not to argue the point with Natalia.
“I appreciate you listening.”
“Anytime,” she assured me. “Honestly, if you ever want to talk about what to do moving forward with him, I’m more than happy to listen again.”
“I’m not quite sure I deserve the grace you’ve shown me,” I mumbled.
She smiled, squeezing my hand again. “We all deserve some, I think.”
Natalia might’ve been referring to me, but I couldn’t stop those words from penetrating a little deeper.
After learning her story and what role my father played in helping Natalia, maybe I really did need to consider where things were between him and me. Surely, if Natalia could have some grace for me when I’d done something far worse to her than he’d ever done to me, I could show some for my dad.