Chapter 21
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
THANE
Rafe has been sitting across from me for twenty minutes, waiting for me to acknowledge him. He’s the most annoying man on the planet, even if he’s also the most loyal.
“Is there something I can do for you?” I don’t look away from my computer screen, but I know he’s smirking.
“It’s almost time for me to submit a report to the judge.”
Already? That can’t…
I open my calendar app, and there in bold red lettering is “Judgment Day.” Great. “Are you trying to tell me I failed?”
It’s much easier to deal with him when he’s on the other side of the building. Face-to-face, he prods and pries.
“This wasn’t a test.”
My stomach gurgles in protest, but maybe I’m hungry. Leaning back in my chair, I finally face my friend.
“It sure felt like a test.”
He nods. He’s still wearing a fucking sweater-vest in Tennessee in the middle of a heatwave.
“Do you wear those things to irritate me?”
“What? This?” He tugs on the light gray fabric.
“Yes. It’s ninety-seven degrees out.”
“And wearing a sweater-vest is…”
“It doesn’t make sense. It’s too hot out for that.”
“So, you’re saying it doesn’t fit?”
“No, it doesn’t make any sense.”
“But you never asked me why. Did it bother you?”
“It’s annoying that you’re a grown-ass man who can’t make informed decisions based on something as simple as the temperature.”
He nods as though I make perfect sense.
“You noticed it,” he says. “You assumed that I would be too hot. It annoyed you, but you never questioned it. Why not?”
“It’s not important. You can wear whatever the hell you want to wear. I don’t make those decisions for you.”
“Are my clothing choices something that would have annoyed you a year ago? Five years ago?”
“I notice everything.”
“You do. But would you have paid enough attention to allow it to irritate you?”
Now he’s being intentionally annoying.
“What are you getting at here, Rafe?”
“My point is, you take in a lot of information every minute that you’re awake. It registers to you in ways it may not for someone else. Why do you think my clothing choices make a difference to you now, when they wouldn’t have a year ago?”
“Because you’re in my face every day?”
“Maybe.” He stares at me and waits.
“I don’t have time for games. If you have something to say, say it.”
“The truth is, I’ve been dying in these sweaters. It’s fucking ball-sack hot out there, and the air conditioning doesn’t help all that much.”
This is the guy who counsels people using toys. Perhaps he has no critical thinking skills at all.
“Did you feel as though something was off when you saw me in these sweaters every day?”
“Yes, I figured you weren’t very bright.”
“But we went to college together, and you know that’s not the case.”
“Book smart does not always equate to common sense.”
“You’re right. It doesn’t. You’ve spent so much time alone that you haven’t had to practice many social skills. But you are aware of them. It’s a matter of digging into why something seems off to you, thinking on it, and if you can’t figure it out on your own, asking why something is happening.”
“Are you trying to teach me a lesson?”
He sports a grin that makes me want to hit something. “You’re catching on. Now, let’s go back to the day you removed Kara’s door. To you, removing it made sense. She was slamming it, it bothered you, so you removed it from the equation.”
“After I told her not to slam it at least a hundred times.”
He tilts his head and studies me. “Has she slammed any doors since you’ve been here?”
“No. So that’s even more proof that the kid she was hanging out with was bad news.”
“That’s one possibility. What else is different since you’ve been here?”
“There are fucking people everywhere.”
“It is a nosy bunch.” His agreement takes the edge off my attitude. “It’s also possible that all these nosy people have become invested in Kara.”
“I’m invested.”
“You’re invested in her safety, her care, yes.”
“I want her to have more than I had.” The words vibrate in my ribcage as they exit my mouth.
“I know you do. So what does she have here that she didn’t have in New York?”
“Lottie.” I knew Lottie would fix everything.
“What specifically about Lottie though?”
“Can’t you just give me the answers you’re looking for, Rafe? Is all this necessary?”
“I could, but do you learn a new code by having someone tell you about it, or by figuring it out on your own?”
For fuck’s sake. Fine. What the hell is Lottie giving Kara that she didn’t have before? How the hell am I supposed to know?
“What do they do together? Think about the library, the Scuttlebutts, and Sharky.”
A blinding headache is growing in the center of my forehead.
What do Lottie and Kara do together?
“They talk. All the time, they talk.”
“That’s right. And does Lottie listen to speak, or listen to hear?”
Of all the idiotic questions.
“Hear what I’m asking, Thane. Does Lottie listen so she has her response prepared for something she wants to talk about, or is she listening to hear what Kara is saying, thinking, and then responding to what Kara has said?”
“Obviously she’s putting Kara’s needs first. Lottie is attentive and kind. She cares about what people say.”
“And you don’t?”
Sweat forms at the back of my neck. “I didn’t say that. If I didn’t care about Kara, I wouldn’t be here. But it’s different with Lottie. She knows how to talk to Kara, while Kara and I butt heads every time one of us opens our mouths.”
“Okay, I want to go back to right before you removed Kara’s door. What did Kara do or say in the days leading up to that happening?”
I tug on the back of my neck and wipe away the perspiration. “Why don’t you just tell me so we can get this over with.”
“I can’t. I wasn’t there, remember? Tell me about Kara’s day-to-day. What was she doing or saying? How was she acting?”
“I have no idea. She was acting like a sulky teenager, normal, I guess.”
“Sulky, how?”
“She’d sit in the family room until I came home, wait until I found her there, then she wouldn’t say anything, so I’d return to whatever I was doing, and she’d stomp away.”
“What else?”
What else? Jesus. I hate digging into the past. It’s much more productive to focus on the future.
“She’d stand outside my office but never come in. She would glare at me, and even though I could tell she had been crying, wouldn’t tell me why.”
“Did you ask?”
“Yes, I asked.” I stand and grab a bottle of water from the fridge.
“Does she do any of that here?”
I know he’s leading me somewhere, but I can’t connect the dots, and there’s nothing I hate more than feeling like the idiot my father believed me to be.
“Have you seen her do it?” I snarl.
“I haven’t. Why do you think that is? What does she have here that she didn’t have in New York?”
“Lottie.”
“And what is Lottie providing that you didn’t?”
It slams into me with the force of a tornado touching down. Her expressions. The flash cards. How Kara and Lottie get along.
“Someone to ask her questions and listen to her , not just the words that are spoken.” The words cut my throat with their jagged edges. Fucking tone. At least my narrator and I can agree on this one.
“Exactly. Can you now understand how all the behaviors you found strange, or odd, might have been cries for help? Her stomping out of the room. Wanting to know that you were home but not having the skills to ask for help because she’s dealing with something her brain isn’t fully equipped to handle yet. Standing outside your office, wanting to be invited in, but too proud to ask. She’s more like you than you know.”
Is that what this has all been? Have I been missing her cries for help?
“Before you go down the road of self-recrimination and guilt, remember that for recognizing, understanding, and executing social skills, you’re both essentially on the same level. So while she’s learning these skills by interacting with and observing other people, you’re playing catch-up. But now we’ve given you some tools to make identifying behavior and responding to it appropriately more accessible. Does that make sense to you?”
Too much sense.
“Sweetbriar isn’t a place I would’ve ever chosen for you, Thane. You’re abrupt, and rude, and sometimes downright cold. But I’ve seen changes in you here I didn’t believe you’d ever make. This town, Kara, and especially Lottie have found a way to access the heart you keep guarded behind moats and Kevlar. And I think if you’re ready and willing, there are more tools you can add to your arsenal to help strengthen and support your relationships with everyone around you. But it will take a lot of hard work, and it’ll be extremely uncomfortable for you.”
For over fifteen years, I’ve thought this man has been trying to fix me, but I’ve never felt as though I needed fixing, so it never made sense to me. He’s right—I’ve actively fought him at every turn.
Perhaps I haven’t been listening to hear him though. Maybe what he was saying was he wanted to help me learn what was stolen from me when my father denied me access to schooling and socialization.
I may be different, but is it possible I’m not the monster my father claimed me to be either?
“I saw the signs with Kara,” I say. He nods but allows me time and space to get my thoughts together. “But I didn’t know what to do with them or even that they were signs.”
“And you’ll probably always miss some. What’s important is that you allow yourself the grace and time to learn, practice, and always keep trying. That’s what life is, Thane. Making mistakes and learning from them. You can’t change how your brain processes information any more than Kara can change how she responds to trauma or hormones. But you can both try to learn from each other, support each other, and offer each other patience.”
“Are you sure you’re not a shrink?” My lips curl into a smile despite his words ramming against my skull.
“I’m sure. You’re a good man.”
“Does that mean you’ll tell the judge I passed?”
He laughs, and reluctantly, I do too.
“You passed.”
Unsure of where to move the conversation next, I look back to my computer.
“Do you know why I agreed to do this for you?” he asks.
“Because I’ve made you a fuckton of money?”
When I started my very first startup, Rafe invested a hundred dollars. He’s gotten it back fifty thousand times over.
“Did you also know that when I gave you that hundred dollars in college, it meant that I could only eat one package of ramen per day for over a month?”
All the blood in my head rushes straight to my feet. Slowly I lift my gaze to his.
“What did you say?”
“I gave you my last hundred dollars with no expectation of ever getting it back.”
That makes no sense to me. “I told you I would make you rich with it, and I did.”
“I didn’t know that at the time though.”
“Then why would you give it to me and starve? Why didn’t you tell me? I would have bought food.”
He stands and finally removes the fucking sweater-vest I hated so much. “I gave you my last dollar because I believed in you—as a person and as a friend. Sometimes in life, we must risk everything for life to have any meaning at all. I’ve always known that you’re more than your circumstances have allowed. I’ve always seen the man who can accomplish anything he sets his mind to, and that’s why I know you and Kara will be fine.
“Believe me when I say it will be a bumpy road, but trust the foundation you’re building here. Allow people into your life, even if it’s scary. You’ve done the hard work on your own, now it’s time to reap the rewards with everyone who cares about you.”
He starts to walk away, but I have one more question.
“Rafe.” He turns back to me. “What made you befriend me in college? Why didn’t you just walk away when I told you to leave me alone?”
“Truth?”
I nod, already fearing his answer.
“You looked like the loneliest man I’d ever met, and then I learned to read your signs.”
“But you’ve said yourself, I’ve never been a particularly good friend. Why stick around?”
“Let’s just say I’ve always believed in your potential. And now that you’ve acknowledged your dickheadedness, I fully expect you to step up your game in the friend department.”
When words fail me, I swallow and nod once.
I may not know how to be a friend, but I’ve never tried before either.
I have a feeling I’ll be doing nothing but trying for the rest of my life. And as terrifying as that would have been to me a year ago, now it’s become a challenge.
And I never back down from a challenge.