Chapter 26
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
LOTTIE
Thane’s stiff and cold next to me.
“Can I ask you a question?”
He nods, and it takes all my effort not to shrink away from his cool demeanor.
“Why are you so against therapy?”
“I’m not.” His answer is immediate and detached. “I see how it’s helping Kara. Her virtual sessions with her therapist do truly appear to have an impact on her mood. It’s just not for me.”
“Why?”
His sigh releases the tension in his shoulders, and he slumps forward. “Every time my father got it in his head that he could fix me, he’d send me to a different type of specialist, and when I was growing up, the way to treat was to medicate. All the medication did was numb me and made it hard to learn. Knowledge was more important than food to me, so without knowledge, there was no way for me to survive.”
Unfortunately, that makes a lot of sense.
“Do you want to know why it’s helpful for me?”
“I want to know everything about you,” he says quietly. Slowly, his demeanor and his tone have warmed, and I snuggle back into his side.
“I never realized how much childhood trauma I carried, or how it manifested until I found my current therapist.”
“What happened?”
It’s in these quiet moments, when it’s the two of us, that I know Thane’s listening and trying hard to understand a concept that’s completely foreign to him. It tugs on every heartstring I possess and makes me fall a little more for him.
“It happened gradually, but one exercise in particular that she had me do changed my life.”
His arm wraps around my shoulders, and we stare straight ahead, but he squeezes me to him, waiting for me to continue.
“When I was young, after my mother passed, I never knew when my father would come home, or what kind of father I’d get when he did arrive. I started having panic attacks when I was nine. If he said he’d be home at seven and didn’t show up, I’d run to every window in the house, waiting for headlights. I’d scream until I was sure there was no way he couldn’t hear me. I’d cry until I couldn’t breathe. I was sure this was the time he wouldn’t come home either. I’d dig my nails into my palms to ground myself, drawing blood nearly every time while also telling myself that these reactions weren’t normal. Normal people didn’t have racing hearts and dark thoughts. Normal people kept their chaos inside, but mine was so big I couldn’t contain it.”
“Jesus, sweetheart, that’s?—”
“Life. I was too young to have the skills to cope, and no one taught them to me. That’s why I’m so proud of you for putting your opinions aside and giving Kara access to those tools.”
“Why would reliving that make it any better? I spend most of my time avoiding memories. I can’t imagine actively sitting in them.”
“But that’s exactly what I did.”
He pulls back to stare at me as though I’m some form of new code he hasn’t deciphered yet.
“I sat in the middle of my therapist’s office, and I imagined myself talking to a nine-year-old me who was in the middle of one of those attacks.”
I give him a moment to absorb my words.
“What did you say?”
“I told little me that she was safe. That she was beautiful, and that none of what would happen over the next few years would be her fault. I told her that she would grow up to help little boys and girls just like herself, so she needed to be strong, and believe in herself, even when no one else did. Especially when no one else would. I told her to trust herself, and to love herself, and that no matter what happened, to teach people how she deserved to be treated by treating herself that way first. But mostly, I repeated that she was safe. Every day for months I would tell little me that she was safe. Eventually, I started to believe it.”
“Where was your brother during all of this?” The protective growl in his tone snags another heartstring.
“Elijah is older than me by quite a few years, but we were both kids. We did the best we could.”
“Apparently not enough,” he grumbles.
I shiver even though it’s still a warm summer night, and without missing a beat, Thane lifts me into the air before settling me between his thighs. Thick, muscular arms wrap around my middle, and he rests his chin on my head.
“I thought you didn’t like to cuddle.” Even my words sound as though they’re smiling.
“Everything appears to be different with you, Charlotte.”
I lean into him and tilt my head to gaze at the stars. It’s my favorite thing about this place—there’s no light pollution, and the stars are visible nearly every night.
“I would probably tell myself that I’m not broken,” he says. “I’d tell myself not to be afraid of making connections with people, even if some of them would eventually make fun of me or run away when I couldn’t make eye contact or because I would hit myself when the world felt as though it were attacking me.”
His words might as well break apart my ribs and squeeze my heart. I stop breathing, worried that any distraction might silence him.
“I’d tell myself not to lie to myself—not to make myself believe that I didn’t need anyone—or that relationships made me weak. I’d tell myself that not everyone would hurt me, and that even if I’m different, people can still love me. I’d tell myself that I would be okay, and safe, and that one day, I would even be happy.”
Tears overflow and track down my cheeks. He opened up to me, and I know how much that must have cost him.
When I wiggle my shoulders, he releases his grip on me, and I shift in place so I’m sitting on my knees between his thighs, facing him.
“I’d tell myself that someday…” His gaze dances across my features, so open and more vulnerable than I’ve ever seen them. “I’d tell myself that someday, I’d even fall in love with the most beautiful woman in the world. She’ll make me crazy with her independence, and proud of her control. I’d tell myself that even though I spent a lifetime believing I didn’t need love, love found me anyway. And I’d make damn sure I told myself to do everything possible to never let this woman get away.”
“Thane.”
“Please don’t cry, Charlotte.” He wipes my tears with his thumbs as he cradles my face. “I don’t know if you’re happy or sad. If you’re angry at me for telling you that I love you by talking to my inner fucking child, or if you’re crying because you’re overwhelmed, but I am overwhelmed. Every day with you I’m overwhelmed that you’re still here, that you haven’t run away or told me to leave, and I’ve never really known what fear felt like. But I do now, and I’m scared every single time I open my mouth that it’ll be the last words you allow me to say.”
I launch myself at him. He thinks I haven’t seen the app he created, or how much time he spends trying to memorize all my expressions, but I have and I do.
I see it all, and I see him. I see all of him, and he’s perfect.
My lips crash against his, my tongue licking his bottom lip until he opens for me, and then I can’t get close enough. I want to sink into this man and never come out. My thighs spread to straddle his hips and his hands fall to mine, his fingertips dipping below the band of my sleep shorts.
He digs his thumbs into my flesh, his fingertips pressing a melody into my skin as goosebumps race across my body.
“I love my sister.” His lips press against my neck, sending sparks of heat through me. “But I’ve never been in love, not until you.” He kisses the juncture between my neck and shoulder before biting down on the skin hard enough to leave a mark. “But I love you both in different ways. How is that possible when I didn’t even know that more than one kind of love existed until a month ago?”
Slowly, he slides his hands up my spine, lifting my tank top as they go, until I’m shirtless on top of him.
“Intellectually, I know what the emotions mean and what they signal, but I’ve never truly experienced them until you. Loving you is like a heavy blanket that covers me on the coldest day, Charlotte, and I’m so scared that one wrong move will leave me to freeze in an emotionless death once again.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Thane. I’m here, with you and Kara.”
“You’re all in?”
Am I? I’ve sat on this fence for so long that my soul aches for stability. My heart fears the unknown, but isn’t that what he said too? He’s putting his fears aside to be with me, to have me, to love me.
His messy hair falls onto his forehead, and as I brush it away, I know there’s only one way for me to truly heal from my trauma.
I have to let go of my past to embrace my future, and my future looks a hell of a lot like Thane Wilder.
“I’m all in.”
“Say it again.” He moves with graceful speed, and I hiss as the cold grass presses into my naked skin as he lowers me to the ground and holds me in place with his body.
“I’m all in.”
His lashes fall closed, and his face contorts as though he’s in pain.
“All in with me won’t always be easy.” He doesn’t open his eyes, but I wish he would. I wish I could undo all the events in his life that made him believe he’s unlovable. But I know that will take time, so I give him the best I can.
“It won’t be easy with me either,” I admit.
He scoffs as though the idea is preposterous. The scent of his minty toothpaste washes over my skin.
“It won’t.” I thread my fingers through his hair and tug until he flicks his eyes open. “You want to take care of me, but I’m not used to being cared for. We will always be a work in progress. We’ll fight, and make up, and agree to disagree. I’ll have opinions that I won’t back down from, even if they make you uncomfortable.”
“We sound like a fucking mess.”
I grin at him. Now he’s getting it. “We are. Relationships are the messiest thing on the planet.”
“I don’t know. I was forced to hold a goo goblin today, and she had messes coming out of everywhere.”
“A goo goblin?”
“Yes,” he grumbles with a straight face. “Didn’t Boone send you a photo? My trousers are ruined.”
I can’t quite stifle my laughter. “When Boone sent the picture, I’m pretty sure I stopped breathing. I’ve never had a daddy kink before, but you holding that baby was probably one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen in my life.”
Thane groans above me, and it vibrates to my core. “That’s why he sent it to you. He said I’d thank him later.”
I tilt my hips and press against his cock. “Then you’ll owe him a very big thank you.”
“Is that right?” He lowers his pelvis and rocks in a small circle as he grows against me.
I sink my teeth into my lower lip and nod. “I’ve missed you in my bed.”
His lips curl against the skin of my collarbone.
“I’ve missed being in your bed, but I’ve missed being inside your pussy even more.”
Pressing my head into the grass, I peek at our surroundings. My property and Thane’s are the only two on this little inlet of the lake, but that doesn’t mean it’s private. Anyone could happen upon us out here.
“Have you ever been skinny dipping?” I’m pretty sure I know his answer, but I’m curious about how far he’ll let me push him out of his comfort zone.
“I’d prefer not to have any unknown organisms swim into my cock, so no. I’ve never been skinny dipping.”
“That mean you’ve never had sex out there either?”
Thane tilts his head from me to the water, then toward the house, before falling back to me. “We have two perfectly good beds in the house.”
I slip one hand between us and wrap my fingers around as much of his cock as I can. He hisses in pleasure, making this a battle I’m about to win.
Using my free hand, I pull his face to mine, then hold my lips to his ear. “Out here, there’s the chance of getting caught. Of everyone in town finding out that I’m yours, and you’re mine.” He stiffens to a thick rod in my palm. “And out here, I won’t have to muffle my moans for fear of waking Kara on the other side of the wall.”
That worked.
He shoves my shorts down, and he’s already kicking away his pajama pants. I’m airborne a second later as he runs toward the water, and then I’m flying through the night. I have enough time to suck in a gulp of air before my body breaks the surface of the water.
I kick and splutter to the surface.
“Thane, what if I couldn’t swim?”
He grabs me by the thighs, dragging me through the cool water until he can wrap my legs around his waist.
“I’d never let anything happen to you.” He wipes the water from my face and tucks my messy hair behind my ears.
It’s all the warning I get before his lips take mine. This kiss is a possession. It’s intense and hard. It’s all-consuming. His tongue sweeps and tastes. He licks at my mouth and nips my lips.
My fingers tighten in the hair at the nape of his neck when his cock bobs against my ass.
“Fuck, Charlotte.”
He reaches one of his hands around, pressing his thick penis against my crack. The water ripples around us when his hips thrust back and forth. The crown of him is hard and probing as it teases my ass and slides through my lips, prodding my pussy entrance but never giving me what I need.
My core clenches around air. It’s the most frustrating sensation, and I growl my displeasure.
“What do you want, sweetheart?”
“You know what I want.”
The head of his cock enters me less than an inch before pulling back out.
“Thane.” I bite his earlobe hard, and his cheek twitches next to mine.
He gives me a little more of his cock before pulling out again.
“Tell me, Charlotte. Were you trying to tease me when you asked if I’ve ever screwed around outside?” There’s a challenge in his tone as he slips into me again, rolls his hips, but never pushes all the way home before retreating again.
My core spasms each time he pulls out, but the orgasm won’t come without his cock to latch on to.
“Because I have to tell you, I never played sports, or board games either, but I win at everything I do. So, sweetheart, if you meant to tease me.” He slams his cock into me with no warning, and I cry out into the night. “I’ll tease you until you beg.”
He slips out of me, and I moan into the sky.
“You’re so strong and independent.” His voice is lower than I’ve ever heard it, with an edge that sets my nervous system on fire. Thane licks my neck. One straight line until he’s even with my ear. “And nothing turns me on more than listening to my badass woman beg for my cock.”
“Oh, shit.” I frantically search our surroundings. This was all fun and games when I was in control, but now I’m not sure I won’t wake the entire town.
Thane’s fingers enter my pussy from behind, scissoring my opening, teasing me as his cock stands at the ready.
It’s not enough.
He pulls me against him, grinding his pubic bone against my clit in the most delicious way.
“Thane,” I grunt in pleasure.
“What do you want, Charlotte?” He withdraws his fingers to tease my back entrance. With my front plastered to his chest, I have nowhere to go to hide from the intrusion. “Do you want to come with my fingers fucking your ass?”
A near-animalistic sound hits my ears.
Oh God. That was me. I made that noise.
With one arm banded around my waist, he shifts me through the water, sliding me against his pubic bone, causing perspiration to mix with the droplets of water covering my skin.
“Do you want to know how I can tell you like that idea?” he asks.
My forehead falls to his chest as he continues to work his fingers into my ass while my pussy continuously clenches, seeking his thickness and coming up empty.
“Every time I mention it, you nearly break my fingers with this tight ring of muscle that I can’t wait to make mine.”
“I—I don’t do anal.” Jesus Christ. He has me panting.
“Says the woman whose ass is full of my fingers.”
My insides quiver with the need for release. He might actually make me come this way.
“What I really want…” He nips my neck hard enough to leave a mark I can’t wait to see tomorrow. “Is for you to beg for my cock so when I fill you up, you’ll know it’s me invading all your holes.”
“I. Don’t…”
He slips a hand between us, and I cling to his shoulders to keep my head above water. Three big fingers slip into my pussy, tapping against my inner wall from both sides. I can’t catch my breath. I’ve never felt anything so…so intensely before.
I swear he’s drumming the fingers of his right hand against the fingers of his left through the thin wall separating them. I’m going to come so hard I’ll wake everyone within a three-mile radius, no matter how much I try to contain myself.
“Imagine what it would feel like with my cock.” He presses against that spot inside of me that causes stars and storms to form in my vision. “Right. Here.”
I’ve forgotten how to breathe, and I’ve lost the use of my vocal cords. I’m left grunting against him like an animal.
“Is that what you want?” he growls, and my body shivers against his.
I nod so emphatically against his chest that he chuckles, and then I’m suddenly empty. I want to weep in disappointment and frustration.
“Please,” I whisper.
“You know what you have to do, sweetheart.” He thrusts against me, careful that the head of his cock stays clear of my entrance. “I want to hear you beg. I want you to command every room you enter like a motherfucking boss. And then I want you begging me to give you what only I can in private.”
“We…we’re not in private.” I’m such an asshole. I want to beg. Hell, I’d crawl to him on my hands and knees and say thank you, sir and love every second of it simply because I know it turns him on, but I’m a fighter, it’s all I’ve known. And right now, that’s feeling like a very serious character flaw.
“Then I guess we should get dressed and head inside where we can be alone.”
My gaze drifts from his, following the moonlight as it draws a path straight to the shore leading to my house, and I whimper. It’s so far away.
“Or you could give me what I want, sweetheart. It’ll be a win for us both, I promise you.”
His fingers dance over my clit in swirling, tapping motions meant to bring me to the brink of insanity.
“I want nothing more than to be buried balls deep in that perfect pussy. I’ll worship it night and day, you know I will. All you have to do is…” His fingers slip inside and curl to reach the spot that’s sure to set me off, while his thumb presses almost viciously against my clit. “Beg, Charlotte.”
So help me, I do.
“Please, please, please, Tha?—”
“Are you on the pill?” His voice is guttural and tortured.
I shake my head to clear the fog that’s settled over my brain. “Shot. I’m on the shot.”
He slams into me, sending water rippling around us. I call out, knowing anyone walking by will hear my primal cry for release, and then he sets a brutal pace.
“I always wear a condom. I have no diseases.”
“I’m…me too.”
“You’re all in, Charlotte. I’m all in. This is us.”
“Yes,” I sob. I’ve never needed an orgasm more than my next breath, but he’s brought me here.
He pumps in and out, taking me closer and closer to euphoria with every thrust. And then two fingers push past my ass muscles, making me clench around him, and I come with a cry and a spasm that never wants to end.
I cling to his shoulders as my hips take on a mind of their own. I’m chasing my release right into another as he holds me in the water with one hand, moving me like a chess piece in his game of sex and love.
It’s in that moment that I know he’ll make me his queen. And I suppose it’s fitting, since he’s already my king.
I’ve never believed in fairytales or Prince Charming, and this man has demolished everything I thought I knew to be true about myself. I want him to save me, love me, fuck me, hold me.
I want him to be my happily ever after.