Chapter 36
ADELINE
My nerves were shredded, every terrible feeling I’d spent years trying to swallow too close to the surface. “It’s not like either of us have a choice.”
The second the words left my mouth, I knew I should have phrased it better. Zach even flinched a little and guilt crashed through me like a wave, but I was too emotionally wrung out to wrap it up in pretty paper.
The facts were the facts, and the fact was we didn’t really have a choice. I loved seeing him step up, but how I felt about it didn’t technically matter.
Zach’s arms finally loosened around me and he pushed back up to his feet, nodding slowly and repeatedly, like he was trying to process what I’d said. I stood too, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Look, I’m sorry,” I said. “I just… I don’t even know what I’m thinking right now. Today just scared me.”
“I know.”
“No, I don’t think you do.”
Unfortunately, my tone came out sharper than I’d meant for it to be, but he really didn’t know. He couldn’t. It wasn’t his kids that had found us in bed together this morning or his ex threatening our futures.
His features tightened slightly, but he stayed quiet, evidently just listening. Louis had never done that. He’d never listened to me, but Zach just stood there, absorbing every ugly thing thrown at him without a word, which made me feel both safer and more vulnerable than I had in years.
“I keep thinking about Lu out there alone,” I whispered. “She’s five, Zach. Five. Do you have any idea how bad this could’ve been?” I laughed weakly, but there wasn’t anything funny about it. “I’ve ruined them, haven’t I? I’ve scarred them forever and they haven’t even hit the double digits yet.”
My voice cracked. “Jennifer still thinks her father is coming back someday. Lu already understands he’s not. They’re children and they’re already scared people will leave them all the time.”
I wrapped my arms tightly around myself. “I did that to them, because I’m not good enough. I always thought that once people have kids, they somehow, magically know the right things to say and do, but I don’t. I’m broken.”
“You didn’t make Louis abandon his family,” he said quietly. “You’re doing everything you can, Adeline.”
“Yeah, maybe, but that makes it worse, Zach.” I drew in a deep breath, but it didn’t help much. “I am doing my best. I have been since the second they were born, but it’s not good enough.”
I knew I was spiraling. I could hear it happening, but eight years of fear, humiliation, and regret were clawing their way out of my mouth, my nerves too frayed to hold back my insecurities or my fears any longer.
“I was so miserable with Louis, but I kept thinking that maybe if I did everything right, he’d love me eventually.
” I scoffed, my heart racing and squeezing at the same time, which was odd, but I couldn’t stop it any more than I could stop the words bubbling out of my mouth of their own accord.
“All he wanted was a son and I couldn’t even give him that. ”
Zach’s jaw tightened visibly, but he didn’t interrupt, probably afraid I was going to tell him he was making it worse again—and I couldn’t guarantee that I wouldn’t.
“I can’t even keep the girls safe. God, can you imagine if I have a son?
People say they’re much rougher. The poor kid would be doomed from the get-go, but I know how this world works. ”
“No,” he said finally. “You know how Louis worked.”
I shook my head. “It’s all the same.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” I looked up again, exhausted, emotional, and suddenly terrified of history repeating itself.
“What happens if we get married and I don’t give you a son, huh?
Have you even thought about that? We could try a dozen times and we’d just end up with twelve more girls, which is fine by me, but how is it going to make you feel? ”
Everything changed in that moment, but it wasn’t explosive. The quiet way in which I shattered the fragile new relationship we’d been building was so much worse than some big, blowout fight.
Zach’s face just fell, like I’d reached into his chest and physically ripped his heart out. He didn’t even argue but I could feel the tear in the fabric of our connection.
I’d hurt him. Badly. For a second, he simply stared at me. Then he laughed under his breath, the sound dry, brittle, and completely lacking in humor. “That’s what you think of me?”
Regret instantly flooded my veins, but I couldn’t stuff the words back into my mouth even if I desperately wanted to. “I didn’t mean—”
“No.” He shook his head and stared down the darkened driveway. “Answer me honestly. Is that seriously what you think this is?”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. The horrible truth was that part of me did think that, but not because of him or anything he’d done. It was just because that was the way the world worked.
These powerful families? Legacy was everything to them.
Once upon a time, I’d fooled myself into thinking it wasn’t that bad if a child was born with a vagina.
This wasn’t the Middle Ages, after all. A girl could be a CEO, a soldier, anything she damn well wanted to, but I’d learned firsthand that although the rest of the world had moved on, the one percent never did.
To them, women like me were simply commodities to be traded around like strategic mergers. Boys, on the other hand, they carried the name. They protected the legacy.
Zach scrubbed a hand over his face, looking genuinely wounded when I still couldn’t force words out of my mouth.
“That isn’t important to me,” he said. “Jesus, Adeline. I thought you knew me better than that.”
The hurt in his voice made my stomach twist, but the pain in his eyes when he finally looked at me again was worse.
“Do you really think the only thing I care about in a marriage is the supposed advantages I could get out of it? Do you honestly believe that I’d look at you, or Jennifer, or Lu, and think your value depends on producing some imaginary heir? ”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You implied it pretty fucking clearly.” His voice wasn’t loud.
He wasn’t yelling, but it would’ve been easier if he was.
“I’ve spent weeks trying to make sure you and those girls are protected.
I’ve rearranged my entire life for this and you still somehow think that if we even have a kid together at all, that I’d leave if it wasn’t a boy? ”
I heard the devastation under the frustration and hurt. I suddenly realized then I’d done the one thing he probably feared most. I’d made him sound exactly like Louis. And I knew in that moment that I’d handled this incredibly poorly.
God. I wanted to crawl directly into the earth and let the ground consume me. Zach scrubbed a hand over his face, shoving his hands into his pockets and backing away a few steps like he couldn’t stand the thought of being near me.
“I think this trip might’ve been ill advised,” I said softly, my voice shaky now that the panic had burned through me. “I think maybe the girls and I should just go home until I get my head on straight.”
I half expected him to stop me, to tell me I was just spiraling and that we should stay so that he and I could work through it. The opening was there, but he just kept staring into the dark down the driveway, and after a long, loaded silence, he finally nodded.
“Okay. Yeah. Probably. Whatever you think is best.”
Something cracked painfully in my chest, but I straightened up, pretending that it didn’t hurt and that I hadn’t wanted him to fight for me just a little.
“Okay,” I echoed stupidly instead. Then I turned and walked into the house before I started bawling my eyes out in front of him.
I found Amber and the girls on the couch in front of the TV, watching cartoons and eating cereal. One look at my face and Amber muted the show, frowning as her eyes searched mine.
“Girls,” she said immediately. “Why don’t you go brush your teeth?”
Jennifer groaned dramatically. “I’m still eating.”
“Take your cereal with you,” she said. “I’ll be there in a minute.”
Jennifer shuffled away while Lu lingered near the stairs, suspicious little eyes bouncing between me and Amber. When I pointed her toward the staircase, she let out a loud huff but finally started following her sister up.
“We need to head back to the city,” I said quietly as I turned to Amber. “This isn’t working and I’ve already made a real mess of things. If we stay, it’s only going to get worse.”
She frowned. “You want to drive back to Chicago tonight?”
“As soon as possible.”
“What happened?”
“I basically told the man I think he’s going to resent me if I don’t produce a male heir.”
Amber winced. “Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh.”
I pressed my palms against my eyes. “I don’t even know why I said it. This isn’t medieval England and he isn’t Louis. I know that, but it just came out and now I feel insane.”
“You’re traumatized,” she corrected gently. “I knew we should’ve looked into proper counseling for you, but okay. I’ll go get my stuff packed and then I’ll come help you with the girls.”
Before I could say anything, Lu spoke quietly from the stairs. “We’re leaving?”
My stomach twisted, but I turned slowly to face her, bracing myself for the fallout. “Yes, bug. We are.”
Jennifer popped onto the landing, her toothbrush still in her hand. “What?”
“We’re going home early,” I said. “So, uh, finish up and go wait in Amber’s car. I’ll get our things together and meet you there in a minute.”
“But why?” Jennifer asked.
I glanced at Lu. Somehow, everything that had happened tonight circled back to the intense guilt I felt about her running away. Her face crumpled when she met my gaze.
“This is my fault,” she whispered.
My heart nearly stopped, but I still crossed the room immediately, somehow finding the strength to move despite the guilt, the hurt, and even the helplessness. “No, sweetheart. It’s not. It’s absolutely not your fault.”
“I’m sorry I ran away,” she said tearfully. “I didn’t mean to make everyone mad. I’ll apologize to Zach. I want to stay with him.”
“Oh, honey. You don’t need to apologize.” I crouched in front of her, trying not to cry. “Nobody is mad at you.”
“But now we have to leave.”
Amber stepped in smoothly when my voice started wobbling. She knelt beside us and took Lu’s hand. “Adults are weird sometimes. This has nothing to do with you.”
Lu didn’t seem convinced and even Jennifer looked utterly destroyed by this news. “I don’t want to leave. I want to stay with Zach too.”
So do I. I swallowed hard, pushing back up to my feet before I completely lost my composure in front of my children. “I know, but it’s going to be okay. I promise. Let’s just get through the next couple hours.”
Amber took over packing with military efficiency while I moved numbly through the house, collecting swimsuits, and tiny sandals, and stuffed animals from every corner all our things had somehow migrated to.
I almost went back to talk to him three separate times, to tell him that I was scared, and overwhelmed, and that I didn’t know how to do this but I really wanted to try. Yet every time, I remembered the look on his face when I’d implied he might only care about duty and heirs.
I’d hurt him really badly and he hadn’t deserved it. Not even a little.
By the time Amber loaded the car, it was late, pitch black outside. The girls were subdued in the backseat, exhaustion finally overtaking them. I stood beside the car for one long moment, staring at the house glowing softly through the trees.
While I knew it wouldn’t happen, there was a part of me that was waiting for him to rush out and stop us from leaving, but the front door remained firmly shut.
I didn’t even see a silhouette of him in the window.
In the end, I just climbed into the passenger seat and buckled up, and Amber drove us back to Chicago without saying another word.