Chapter 10 #3
“You truly are a remarkable woman.”
“I don’t know about that,” she murmured, flushing a delicious pink.
“Well, I do.”
When he stood up, he had the pleasure of not seeing her recoil.
He towered over her and he found himself wishing he was not so tall and imposing, not such of a menace despite himself.
Then Merewen flushed further and he understood that, far from frightening her, his power appealed to her.
She didn’t even seem fully conscious of it, her response was the instinctive response of a woman in front of a man she desired; it had nothing to with reason.
It was purely physical, but it was yet another step in the right direction, yet another encouraging sign indicating they might be able to get along fine as husband and wife.
Once he’d bedded her and shown her how good it could be between them, she would surely see him in an even more favorable light.
The only problem was, it might take her a long moment to welcome him in bed.
“I’m sorry for Solveig and for you. Neither of you deserved what you got,” she said slowly. “How long do you have to remain in exile?”
He could tell she had an ulterior motive for asking the question.
She wanted to know if he intended to take her away to a remote, icy land.
His little wife did not like the cold, he’d already had the chance to see.
Or she might fear he would abandon her here if he left. He could reassure her on both accounts.
“I might be able to go back one day but only when my name is cleared. If I go back before that, then my life will be forfeit. Everyone will have the right to kill me and they will not face retribution for it.”
“Kill you?” She shivered. “But how would they even know who you were? Perhaps in another part of the country you could rebuild a new life, away from the people who wish you harm?”
He gave a slanted smile. “Perhaps, but I’m sure you’ll understand if I tell you I’d rather not risk it. My country is not so big and I am not exactly the most inconspicuous of men. Besides, I am not ashamed of who I am. Why should I hide when I know I haven’t done anything wrong?”
“No, of course…” She seemed impressed by this argument and in that moment he understood that she truly believed him. “You don’t want to behave like a criminal because you’re not one. I understand. I’m sorry I even entertained the possibility.”
“But you still have questions,” he said slowly, picking up on her hesitation.
She nodded slowly. “You never said why you chose me to be your wife. I need to understand.”
Wolf sighed again. This was fair, but how could he explain something he did not understand himself? He felt in his bones that Merewen was the woman for him, but he could not pretend to know why.
Still, he owed it to her to at least try to make her understand why she was the first woman to make him feel as if a future were possible, to make him even consider the idea of another marriage when he had been so convinced he never wanted to be married again.
The problem was, all his reasons would seem shallow, odd, or downright insulting.
He could not admit that he liked her defiance because it would protect him against boredom.
She would surely not know what to make of that comment.
He could not tell her that he burned with desire for her.
No woman wanted to hear that she was nothing more than a way to slake a man’s lust. He could not lie and say he loved her, for he knew that wasn’t the case.
People did not fall in love in so short a time.
So what could he say?
“It is hard to explain. All I know is that with you I felt I could reconciliate myself with the idea of having a wife.”
She frowned. “But why would you need to do that? You are not some great lord obliged to carry on the family line. Your life is your own. If you cannot reconcile yourself with the idea of marrying again then you don’t have to. It is not such a problem. Many people remain unmarried.”
“I know. But I do need a wife, because… I want children,” he answered in a low voice.
It was the first time he had admitted as much to anyone, and it felt odd, but liberating at the same time.
He only hoped it did not sound as if he was trying to pressure her into agreeing to fulfill her marital duty.
“Children I can acknowledge and raise, who will live under my roof, who will know and love me as their father. A woman can become a mother without marrying, if she wishes, but a man cannot.”
Merewen’s heart almost stopped at the emotion in Wolf’s voice. In the end it was such a simple explanation.
He wanted to be a father.
It was both the most touching reason he could have given her and the worst, because, if it explained why he needed a wife, it did not tell her why he wanted her to be that wife.
If children were all he wanted, then one fertile woman was much the same as another.
“I see,” she said, unable to quite hide her disappointment. She was in no way special. He wanted her for the children she could carry, nothing more. Well, what had she expected? That he would fall to his knees and declare his undying love for her?
Her heart plummeted.
Yes, she had hoped he would do something like that, which made her a fool three times over.
“I know what you’re thinking,” he said softly.
Oh, no. Merewen groaned inwardly. Could this get any worse?
“What is that?” she managed to say. Please let him be wrong, please let him be ignorant of the depth of her feelings toward him, of how much she wanted this marriage to be a true marriage…
“You are thinking I haven’t answered your question. You did not ask me why I wanted to marry, but why I wanted to marry you.”
Well, yes, she had, and she dearly wanted to know the answer to that question, now more than ever. Silence stretched in the hut, then the fire gave a loud pop, bursting through the tension.
“So what is your answer?” Merewen asked, unable to wait another moment.
Wolf rubbed his chin. “If all I wanted were legitimate children then I would have proposed to the first healthy woman I met,” he said, boring a hole in her skull with the intensity of his gaze.
“But I did not. I do want children but my need to find a woman I actually want to live with outweighs my desire to become a father. I want a family, but not at the cost of my sanity. With you I feel I could have both. Children to love and a wife to cherish. ”
A tear rolled down her cheek before Merewen even realized that she was crying. This was not quite the declaration of love she had dreamed of, but certainly more than she could have hoped for in the circumstances, and probably more than many a woman trapped in a marriage of convenience had heard.
She stared at Wolf with undisguised longing and gratitude. The darkness helped, shrouding everything in shadows, softening the intensity of his gaze and hiding the color on her cheeks. She wasn’t sure she would have been brave enough to have such an intimate conversation in broad daylight.
Silence descended once more into the hut. Through the window, the sky had gone a shade paler. Dawn was not far, and Merewen suddenly realized that she needed to relieve herself.
“I-I’m afraid I need a moment alone,” she said, blushing. What a pathetic thing to say after the moment they had shared!
Wolf never even blinked. “Of course. Let me help you up.”
She accepted the hand he was holding out and winced when all the muscles in her body protested as one. It felt as if she had been trampled on by a wild horse during the night.
Wolf barely restrained a growl when he saw the state of Merewen’s gown.
The front had been ripped open by her attacker and the back torn to shreds by the stony floor where he had pinned her.
It was caked in dried mud and traces of blood darkened the russet wool.
If the dress was damaged thus, he did not want to imagine what her body would look like underneath.
“I will need to wash your back,” he told her once she came back into the hut. “I let you sleep yesterday because you needed rest but we cannot delay any longer.” The last thing he wanted was for infection to set in.
“I don’t…” She hesitated.
“Fret not. I won’t see anything you don’t want me to see,” he swore. “You once checked my back for splinters. I will check yours for gravel and dirt, that is all. I will go outside while you get undressed. Then lie on your stomach, cover yourself up and call me when you’re ready.”
He left before she could agree or disagree, trusting her to reach the right decision. Merewen was not stupid. It wouldn’t take her long to see that it would be silly to refuse his help. Indeed, a moment later, he heard her call out.
“I’m ready.”
He walked in.