Chapter 17
Raven sat in the corner of the ladies’ solar later that day, sewing a phony crest onto a surcoat that she would be wearing for the tournament in the guise of Sir Jonathon Nevar.
She decided the crest would be a raven with a sword in its claw.
The irony of it made her silently chuckle.
It kind of reminded her of a combination of herself and Jonathon.
She was the bird and he represented the sword, being a swordsmith, or blacksmith, or armorer, or whatever he was calling himself.
“Raven, ye canna do this. Now please stop before it’s too late,” begged Lark, embroidering a pillow covering. The rest of the noblewomen worked on pieces while making small talk between them, however they were at the other end of the room.
“I cannot just stand by and watch my life go up in flames,” said Raven.
“It’ll be in flames when the truth comes out. Ye canna deceive yer father nor the noblemen competin’ for yer hand in marriage.”
“Well, it’s not like I can tell them the truth of what I did, either.
” She pushed the needle through the tunic and pulled the long thread.
She didn’t normally sew and wasn’t that skilled at it.
Most of her time growing up had been spent practicing with her weapons or watching her father and brother fight the other knights.
“If I did that, my life would be ruined. I’d have a bad reputation and no one would ever want me.
I’d be like–” She stopped short, looking up at her cousin.
Lark’s eyes became glassy and she looked like she was about to cry. “Ye’d be like me. That’s what ye were goin’ to say, wasna it?” She put down her stitching and got up.
“Lark, you know I didn’t mean anything by that. It just slipped out.” Raven cursed herself inwardly for not using more discretion when talking with Lark. The poor girl had a hard life and was very vulnerable. Raven just wasn’t used to keeping her thoughts to herself.
“I’m goin’ for a walk,” said Lark. Her tone was a cross between anger and humiliation with a little sadness thrown in.
“I’m sorry, Lark. Please don’t go. You’re not angry with me, are you?”
Lark let out a deep sigh before answering. “I ken ye speak the truth, but I canna undo the damage that’s already been done in my life. Ye need to remember that. Dinna hurt Jonathon. He doesna deserve it.”
“I’m not going to hurt him. Don’t you see? My plan will help him instead.”
“How?” she asked. “Do ye really think that even if ye do win the tournament, which is addled to even believe ye can, that yer father will let ye marry who ye want?”
“Why not? The winner is supposed to get me as their bride. If I’m the winner, I should be able to choose.”
“Choose who?” she asked. “No knight will want a bride who beat him at a tournament. And if ye think ye can choose Jonathon, that is a lie, too. Besides, after he discovers what you want that armor for, ye’ll make him look like a fool. He willna want ye either.”
“Don’t say that!” she spat, but Lark was already walking away. Raven clenched her jaw, knowing that what her cousin said was the truth. She was doomed either way. And the last thing she wanted to do was to hurt Jonathon.
“Raven?”
Raven looked up to see her mother enter the solar. When she dismissed the rest of the ladies before coming over to talk to her, Raven knew she was in trouble.
“Mother,” she said, hiding the tunic she was sewing, picking up Lark’s needlepoint and pretending she was doing that instead. “What brings you here?”
“Raven, I sent the rest of the ladies away because I wanted to speak to you in private.”
“I noticed. What’s troubling you?”
“You are, Daughter. I’m worried about you.”
“Me?” She looked up and smiled, shrugging her shoulders. “I’m acting like a lady sitting here sewing. Why are you worried?”
“You know why I’m concerned—now stop pretending.” Devon sat down in Lark’s vacated chair.
“You’ll have to be more specific, Mother.” She held out Lark’s stitching, pretending to be inspecting her work.
“How long are you going to let this go on before you speak to your father?”
“About what?”
“About you and Jonathon. You’ve got to tell him. You’re not being fair about this.”
“Father isn’t being fair to me either, making me the prize of a stupid contest. Besides, it wouldn’t make a difference if I did tell him about Jonathon.
He’s already decided I will marry a noble and will never change his mind even if the man is older than him and bald and has no teeth.
I hate it!” She dropped the needlework on her lap.
“If you really love Jonathon, then you’re not being fair to him either.”
“What am I supposed to do?” asked Raven, feeling the tears in her eyes. “Mother, mayhap you can talk to Father for me? I’m scared to do it.”
“Raven, you are an adult now and no longer a child. You are also the best female warrior I’ve ever seen. Yet you fear confronting your father?”
“You know better than anyone how stubborn he can be. You are the only one who can get through to him.”
Her mother looked as sad as Raven felt at the moment.
“Your father prides himself on winning back respect for his family name,” she explained.
“His dream is to have each of his children marry worthy nobles, strengthening the honor of the Blake name. He had a hard childhood, losing everything and more or less everyone he loved. This is very important to him.”
“He didn’t lose everyone he loved. He found his siblings again, Mother.”
“True, but it took a long time. Those years without them can never be replaced. Plus, he didn’t have a mother or father to go to with all his problems. He had only the sorcerer, Orrick, until he disappeared for a while, too.”
“So, Father was raised by the sorcerer?” asked Raven. “He never speaks about it.”
“It’s a long story. Mayhap you can ask him about it someday. The point is, I didn’t have parents to guide me, either. Yet, we both became stronger because of what we went through. It was what helped us to endure and to survive, and to become the people we are today.”
“So what are you saying?”
“I am saying, I won’t get involved in your life, Raven. As much as I want to help you, if I do, you will never learn your lessons and you will never change.”
“I don’t want to change. I like the way I am now.”
“Does Jonathon like the way you are, too? And what about the man you will marry? What will he think about it?”
“It doesn’t matter, because I am not marrying a noble, I tell you.”
“So, you plan on marrying Jonathon then? Does he want to marry you, Raven?”
“I-I think so. But he doesn’t think he can.”
“He can’t,” said her mother, placing her hand on Raven’s arm. “As long as he comes from below the salt, he will never be allowed to marry you, and nothing can change that. Mayhap you should have thought long and hard about this before you made love to the man.”
Her head snapped upward. “You don’t know that I did that. Not really.”
“I do know. I’m your mother, and I can see it in your eyes, not to remind you that I found your night rail in his bed.
Thank God it was I and not your father who found it.
” She stood up, looking down at the needlework on her lap.
“Raven, if you are going to pretend to be doing needlework, then at least have the proper needle and thread in your hand.” Devon headed for the door.
“Mother, wait!” Raven shot to her feet. “What am I going to do? How can I make this end the way I want it to?”
“Mayhap you can start by not thinking so much about yourself. Instead, think of how your decisions are going to affect others.” She stopped in the doorway, turning around.
“I have faith in you, Raven. I always have. You are a defiant young lady, just as I once was, but I know you will do the right thing in the end.”
“The right thing? What do you mean? Is the right thing doing what is expected of a noblewoman? And isn’t it too late for that?”
“I can’t answer those questions, Daughter. You need to look into your heart and you will know just what to do.”
She left the solar, closing the door behind her.
Tears streamed down Raven’s cheeks. Her anger got the best of her as usual. She picked up the pair of shears and flung them at the closed door. Just when she did, someone opened it from the other side.
The tips of the shears stuck into the wood of the door as Jonathon poked his head inside the room, only making her want to cry even more.
Jonathon jerked backward, not able to believe that Raven just flung a pair of shears at him!
“I guess I should have knocked first, but your mother just told me you were the only one in here and that it would be all right to enter. I’m sorry.” He started to close the door.
“Nay, wait, Jonathon,” she called out, and he slowly opened the door again.
“My lady?”
“I’m sorry about the shears. I wasn’t aiming for you.”
He scanned the room, seeing that Raven was indeed there alone. “Then who?” he asked.
“Come in.” She ran over and yanked the shears from the wood.
“I’m not sure I should. I don’t believe it’s proper for me to be in here when you’re unchaperoned, my lady.” He was hesitant to step inside.
“Don’t be silly. I’m the only one here.”
“My point, exactly.”
“My mother gave you permission.” She reached out and pulled him into the room, closing the door behind him. “Jonathon, I need to talk to you.”
“About what?” His eyes went to her hand holding the shears. “Can you put those down first?”
“I’m sorry.” She pulled him farther into the room and placed the shears on the table. “I don’t want to marry any of the noblemen competing in the tournament,” she told him.
“I know that. You’ve only mentioned it now like a hundred times,” he said, feeling choked by the notion that it was exactly what she had to do. “However, my lady, I don’t see as if you have a choice.”
“Stop calling me my lady. I told you, call me Raven in private.”
“I can’t,” he told her. “It’s not proper, and it certainly won’t be tolerated once you are married. Can we go now?”
“Nay. I’m not done.” He could see her becoming upset. If he wasn’t mistaken, her cheeks looked wet.
“Have you been crying?” he asked, stepping closer, reaching out to wipe away a stray tear.
“Oh, Jonathon.” She fell into his arms weeping. His arms closed around her, and he tried to comfort her, but was afraid someone might walk in and see them. He dropped his arms to his sides and pulled away.
“Why did you do that?” she asked with a sniffle.
“I did what is expected of me. Just as you need to do what is expected of you.” It hurt him to say it, but he knew it could never be any other way.
“Jonathon, don’t you understand? I don’t want any nobleman. I want you.”
“Me,” he said, biting the inside of his cheek, feeling so pathetic right now.
She was a titled lady with everything she could want waiting in her future.
He was a simple man whose biggest dream was to have enough money to eat the next day, and someday possibly own his own business.
He had hoped to become a master at his trade, but that wasn’t going to happen any time soon.
He had absolutely nothing to offer her that she didn’t already have for herself.
“Say something, Jonathon.” She looked up to him with those sad, glassy eyes that now looked scared and vulnerable. “Tell me what to do.”
Who was he to tell her anything? His opinion didn’t matter. All he wanted was to protect his family. Nothing he could do would change the outcome, and he’d be a fool to even think it could.
“Jonathon, speak to me. Please,” she begged.
“You don’t want me,” he told her in a low voice.
“Yes, I do. You’re the one I love.”
“Nay,” he said, becoming angry now. He grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. “Snap out of it, Raven. You are living in such a dream world that you’re only hurting those who care about you.”
“W-what do you mean?”
“We can never be together, and you know it. Making love was a big mistake that is only going to come back to haunt us and hurt a lot of people in the end.”
“You think making love with me was a-a mistake?” she asked, blinking away her tears.
He sighed and looked the other way. What he really wanted to say to her was that he was head over heels in love with her, and that he wanted to marry her more than anything in the world.
But how could he say that? It would only make things harder for her, and put a wedge between Raven and her father.
Jonathon knew how important it was to Lord Corbett to have all his children marry nobles, and he couldn’t blame him.
If Jonathon were in his place, he would feel the same way.
“I can’t give you what you need,” he told her, clenching his jaw, trying to hold back his emotions.
“What I need from you is your opinion on how I can change things, so we can end up together.”
“Why?” he asked.
“Why?” She blinked in succession again. “I would think you’d want this as much as I do, but you are starting to sound as if you really don’t.”
“Raven. Sweetheart,” he said, reaching out for her, but she wrapped her arms around herself and backed away.
“I have nothing, and I mean nothing to offer. Don’t you see that?
I am a common man who works by the sweat of my brow to get what little I have.
I live a simple life, and none of that is ever going to change. ”
“But you love me, don’t you?”
He wanted to tell her he did, because if he said anything else, he’d be lying.
However, if he told her that, then she would never stop trying to change a future that was predetermined from the day she was born.
He didn’t want her to suffer because of him.
What she needed was a strong knight who would give her all she needed, while she gave the man royal heirs.
Raven was a lady and supposed to live in a castle, not in a smoky, dirty forge with half a dozen barefooted, snot-nosed children.
If she married him, that is what she would get.
“Your father is expecting us in the great hall. The competitors who have arrived want to meet you, and he wants you to act like a perfect hostess and lady.”
“I see,” she said, turning suddenly cold. She went over and picked up the sewing basket, sticking it under her arm.
“Your needlepoint looks nice,” he told her, trying to compliment her and make small talk. “May I see it?” He reached out for it, but she slapped his hand away, daggers shooting from her eyes now.
“Nay, you cannot. You shouldn’t be in the ladies’ solar in the first place, and you shouldn’t be touching something that isn’t yours.” She turned and ran for the door, leaving Jonathon standing there wondering if she meant the needlework... or herself.