40. Paige
Call Your Mom - Noah Kahan ft. Lizzy McAlpine
I t’s time. I know I have a phone call to make and I can’t put it off any longer. I’ve tried to make the call several times over the last 24 hours, and every time my hand would tremble uncontrollably. Taking that first step feels like an insurmountable task. The thought of talking to someone about my struggles makes me feel exposed, terrified at the thought of reopening old wounds; laying myself bare in front of a stranger, and confronting emotions that I’ve kept buried for so long.
Taking a seat on the couch in the den, I take a deep breath, composing myself for the next step. My stomach bottoms out as I type out the now familiar number, hitting the green button to connect the call for the first time.
“Dr. Evelyn Hayes’ office, how can I help you?”
“Hi, my name is Paige Brooks. I’d like to make an appointment.”
Cade walks into the room, not saying a word as he takes his spot beside me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders in a show of support. I’ve never been good at asking for help. Taking this step feels freeing, but it also means admitting that I can’t fix things on my own.
Goose settles himself on my lap with a contented purr as I give the receptionist my information and schedule my first appointment for a week out. Tapping the red button to end the call, I exhale for what feels like the first time since I picked up the phone.
“I’m so fucking proud of you, baby,” Cade says, swiping away a tear that I didn’t realize had escaped. I choke on a sob as I collapse into his arms. I don’t know how long I lay there, my tears soaking his shirt, his hands skating up and down my back in a soothing pattern.
“You’re so damn strong.”
I can’t speak so I let him hold me while I sob until I fall asleep in his arms.
Cade
The week leading up to Paige’s first appointment with Dr. Hayes was one of the hardest weeks of my entire life. I felt helpless watching the woman I love struggle to function every day. I took a leave of absence from work to be with her, thankful that I’ve surrounded myself with supportive friends and family. Liam assured me that he had everything under control at the bar, and we received daily check-ins from all our friends. It was a comfort to know that she had so much support.
During the day, I tried to keep things as normal as possible, hoping a little bit of routine would bring her some comfort. I cooked her meals that she would often only pick at, helped her shower and brushed through her hair at night while we watched her favorite movies. When night fell, she’d toss and turn, restlessness taking over. Those nights were the hardest and the powerlessness was suffocating.
Paige collapsed onto the couch in her usual spot, the weight of the world evident in her sullen expression. Some days were harder than others.
“Come here, baby. Sit in front of me.”
She gave me a questioning look then moved to sit on the floor between my legs, her back resting against the couch. I tenderly gathered her hair, my fingers moving gently through her curls, carefully separating them into sections.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m braiding your hair. I noticed it gets tangled when you’re having trouble sleeping and I thought this might help.”
Paige turned then, looking at me with such tenderness, eyes shining with unshed tears. These were different, less sorrowful. I placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, lingering for a second longer than normal. She turns back around and I continued to weave my fingers through her hair, a sense of peace settling over the room.
“I didn’t know you could braid,” she murmurs, her words coming out slightly choked.
“I taught myself last night.”
“Cade…” my name drifts out like a prayer, lingering in the air before piercing my heart.
“I would do anything for you, Paige.”
She lets out a long exhale, as I tie off the end of the braid. I help her stand, placing her between my parted thighs and cradling her face.
“Walking away has never been an option, not even when I was doing my best not to fall in love with you. I think a part of me knew, even then, that you were the other half of my heart. You are the easiest person to love, Paige. Let me.”
The upcoming appointment with Dr. Hayes was the only light at the end of the tunnel, but it also filled me with worry. What if it didn’t help? What if opening those wounds make s things worse? I tried to push my niggling doubts aside, focusing instead on supporting her in the only ways I knew how. I would hold her, let her break, and in the quiet moments, I’d try to carefully knit those pieces back together.
Paige
“You don’t have to come in with me,” I say. We’re parked in the parking lot of Dr. Hayes’ office. My appointment is set to start in 30 minutes.
“Paige, I’m going with you. I need to be in the waiting room when you’re done.”
“Okay.” I breathe a sigh of relief. Truthfully, I want him there but I also wanted to give him an out. He had been my rock this past week. I reached the lowest of lows and if it weren’t for Cade, I’m not sure what state I would be in right now. He held everything together when I was falling apart and I think I fell even more in love with him then. I know it was hard for him. I saw the agony in his face every single day, alongside the unwavering love and support.
I don’t remember another time in my life where I felt more loved than I did when he was holding me, or brushing my hair, or showing me his affection in all the little ways he cared for me when I needed him. If he could do that for me, then I could take this next step towards healing for the both of us.
Stepping through the doors of the little white building hand in hand with Cade, a sense of calm washes over me. The office is warm and inviting. I fill out all of my new patient forms and take a seat beside Cade to wait for my name to be called.
“Paige Brooks?”
“That’s me.”
“The doctor will see you now. ”
I turn towards Cade, giving him a chaste kiss before lifting myself out of my chair.
“I love you,” I say and with one last squeeze of his hand, I walk off into the office.
The session was intense, unearthing feelings and memories I had long ago buried. She explained that my anxiety is a trauma response that causes me to self-sabotage in an attempt to shield myself from pain; to allow myself to predict an outcome, giving me the illusion of control.
The most profound revelation came when I expressed that my upbringing hadn’t been so terrible and I didn’t feel like I should have a right to complain.
“Paige,” she said, her voice awash with compassion and understanding, “in terms of your childhood, I want you to reflect before you answer this question. Knowing what you know now, would you wish those experiences on another child?”
I paused for a long while, I’m not sure how much time passed, but I could feel the dampness on my cheeks as Dr. Hayes handed me a box of tissues. “No. I wouldn’t.”
“Your trauma may look minuscule compared to others, but it’s not the experience itself that’s important, it’s the impact it had on your life. Your experiences as a child shaped the adult that you’ve become. How that compares to someone else’s life is irrelevant. Don’t belittle everything you went through. Because you survived, Paige. You’re still here.” I’m still here.
I leave the office feeling raw and exposed, as though the weight of the depression has shifted, all the vulnerable parts of myself laid bare.
I cling to Cade’s hand, taking in the furrow of his brow as he leads us out to the truck. I don’t have any tears left to spill, so I just slump down in my seat and close my eyes. I feel drained.
Taking a deep breath, I finally glanced over at Cade’s concerned gaze. “I’m okay.”
He reaches a hand out, squeezing my thigh before leaning over to place a lingering kiss on my forehead. “We don’t have to talk about it. I figured you’ve probably had enough talking for one day.”
A weight instantly lifts off my chest. Cade has always known exactly what I need without words. “Thank you.”
“I’m proud of you,” he says, before shifting into gear and driving us home.
I knew this wouldn’t be an easy path, but I’ve taken the first step and that’s something.