39. Cade

Cowboys Cry Too - Kelsea Ballerini and Noah Kahan

“ I don’t want to be a burden, Cade.”

Those words have been ringing in my ears since the moment I walked through the front door with my girl tucked under my arm, her posture deflated. I’ve always tried to be a pillar of strength for everyone around me. If I stand rooted and strong, it lets everybody else around me crumble. The moment things didn’t go his way, my dad bolted, and I swore I would never do that to anyone I care about. I want to be strong for Paige, but damn if that one sentence didn’t break me.

I had missed her these past couple of weeks and I can admit that I fucked up — not being here when she needed me, leaving her alone while I worked on the changes at the bar. I didn’t see that she was struggling until it was too fucking late.

She’s fast asleep on her side of our bed. The distance between us feels like a gaping chasm and I ache to pull her to me, but I don’t want her to see how affected I am; how guilty I feel for tearing her away from her life. My breath caught in my lu ngs at the aching realization that I was selfish in asking her to sacrifice everything for me, when I had to give up nothing to have her here. I swallow hard, biting back the tears that are threatening to spill, until the knowledge that I could possibly lose her shreds the last threads of my resistance.

At a loss for how to fix this, I sit in her favorite spot on the window seat and watch the stars dance along the surface of the lake. Why didn’t she talk to me? Some time later, the door creaks open.

“Cade?”

“Hey baby. Did I wake you?”

She shakes her head in response. “What are you doing in here?”

I turn to face her silhouette in the doorway, illuminated only by the dim moonlight shining through the open window. I hang my head and rest my elbows on my knees. Defeated. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“It’s because of me, isn’t it?”

At those words, the guilt that had finally dissipated comes roaring back. “No, Paige. It’s because of me. All of this is because of me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t even consider what you would be sacrificing to be here with me. I just selfishly asked you to uproot your entire life and thrust you into a life that was entirely foreign to you.”

“Cade.”

“No, please. Let me finish. I’m sorry, Paige. So fucking sorry.”

“It isn’t your fault, babe.” Paige takes several steps in my direction, stopping just shy of where I’m seated before she moves some of the pillows to make a spot for herself at my side.

“I love you, Paige. I can’t fu cking lose you, but I don’t know how to fix this.” I run my hands through my hair, resting them on the back of my neck, several fresh tears landing on the floor below.

“You don’t have to fix this, Cade. I love you. I’m not going anywhere.” She turns her body to face mine, her knee bumping my hip as she rests her forehead on my shoulder, inhaling a steading breath.

Paige

I close my eyes, my heart aching for the pain I’ve caused.

“Paige. Do you… regret this?”

His bloodshot eyes meet mine, and the anguish I see there breaks my heart. I pull him to me, his head resting on my chest. A sob racks his body as he clings to me, allowing his hardened exterior to crumble for the first time. Cade is tough — a rock for everybody around him. The thought that he’s letting me in, allowing me to comfort him, only makes me love him more.

“I love you, Cade Brooks. I would never regret this. Ever.” I kiss his head in that all too familiar way that he kisses mine when I’m in need of comfort. Being able to give it back to him in some way fills me with contentment. I think I needed to know that he needs me as much as I need him; that I’m not just here to lean on his strength, but to give back some of my own when his is lacking.

His breathing steadies, and he lifts his gaze to my face. I’m certain that we both look completely run down. I cup his cheeks and bring our foreheads together.

“I need you to listen. Really listen.”

He nods.

“I will never leave you. Not willingly. I need to carve out a place for myself here, one that is entirely mine, and you have to let me do that. “And,” I pause, steadying myself to speak the hardest words I’ve ever uttered out loud, “I think… I think maybe it’s time I talk to someone about my depression.”

Cade’s breath hitches, his eyes shining with more unshed tears. I feel a sudden rush of sadness for the agony I’ve unleashed on him. I never wanted to pull him into my darkness, despite his promise to hold all of my broken pieces.

“I’m sorry. So sorry.” I say, my voice barely registering in the quiet of my library.

He lets out a shaky exhale. “It’s okay not to be okay, baby. Whatever you decide, I’m here for you. Always.”

“Nothing can be fixed tonight. Let’s go back to bed. We’re too big to sleep on this window seat and we both need the rest.”

I stand first, holding out my hand for him to follow. Leading him down the hallway to our room, I look back and meet his gaze. A small smile plays at his lips before he rushes towards me and wraps me in a fierce hug.

“I love you, Paige Brooks.”

“I love you, Cowboy. So much.”

We don’t talk about what happened; we don’t need to. We both know how monumental that moment was for us, so we just stand like that for a time, holding each other outside of our bedroom door. Eventually, the somber mood seems to dissipate, replaced by something headier.

“I want you.” I whisper.

“Thank fuck,” he grunts, then he’s hoisting me in his arms, striding into our bedroom with renewed purpose.

A few short strides into the room, he places me on my feet at the base of the bed before shucking off his clothing and all but tearing mine off, too. He carefully lifts me in a bridal style hold before placing me gently in the middle of the bed.

Crawling over me, he lays kiss after agonizing kiss along every inch of my body. Our mouths meet in unbridled passion, setting my body on fire as we come together. It’s not r ough or frenzied like usual. It’s slow and agonizingly beautiful. We’re not just fucking this time. He’s making love to me, worshiping me as he whispers beautiful words into my ears.

“I love you.” yes.

“You own me.” yes.

“You were made for me.” yes.

“Thank you,” Cade whispers.

“I think I should be thanking you , Cowboy.” He laughs then inhales a stuttered breath. “That’s not what I meant, baby. Thank you…for letting me fall apart. It meant a lot to me that you didn’t just see a weak man.”

“It’s okay to be weak sometimes. It’s normal — human, even. You don’t have to be strong for everyone all the time. And it meant everything to me that you let me see that part of you.”

The importance of this moment is not lost on me. There’s a certain expectation that men are to remain strong in the face of tragedy or hardship, lest their vulnerability be perceived as weakness. That Cade allowed me to witness his emotional depth is a gift. One that I will not take for granted.

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