Chapter Nine
Spencer
I shoved the last of the crockery into the dishwasher and a tablet into the dispenser, hitting the power button as I slammed the door shut.
Grabbing my phone and keys off the kitchen counter, I retrieved my hoodie out of the bag of clean washing that Noah had brought me and headed towards the front door.
I needed help to figure out what the fuck was going on in my head and the rest of me, and there was only one person I could think of who’d give it to me straight.
And it didn’t matter that his best friend slash roommate slash potential boyfriend would also be there too, despite my earlier reservations.
Theo and Laurie were the only people I wanted to turn to because I knew neither of them would judge me, neither of them would try to overcomplicate it, and neither of them would let me hide from my feelings.
They were like two members of the Scooby Gang, only instead of solving ghostly mysteries, they’d help me solve the question of what the hell I was going through.
I pulled the hoodie on and stopped dead in my tracks. It smelt like Noah.
Which wasn’t surprising since he’d washed it, but what was surprising was the way my body responded to the scent of whatever fabric conditioner he’d used.
My pulse quickened like I was sprinting on the treadmill, and there was a tingling sensation racing across my skin.
I took a deep breath, allowing the smell to envelop me and not caring if it was weird.
It wasn’t like there was anyone around to see me.
With my head still spinning, I raced out into the street. It was dark outside, which wasn’t a shock considering it was nearly half eight in the evening, but it was easy to follow the road under the warm glow of the streetlights.
It was about a ten-minute walk to my destination, but I ended up jogging most of the way until I reached the red brick building with several large bay windows and Winchester & Sons Funeral Directors written in gold across the grey frontage.
The door to the flat was at the back, so I headed around the building to the unassuming black door with a brass knocker shaped like a fox in the middle.
There was a little camera with a buzzer underneath it on one side, about head hight. I pressed the button and waited.
“Hello?” Laurie’s surprised voice came out of the speaker. “Spencer, is that you? Everything okay?”
“Yeah, maybe. Can I come in? I need to talk to you and Theo.”
“Sure. Hang on.” A couple of seconds later, I heard the soft thump of footsteps, and then the door swung open to reveal Laurie.
He was dressed in a cosy-looking black jumper and joggers with slippers that looked like monster feet.
He was still wearing all his rings, but he’d taken off his normal make-up.
“Sorry it’s so late,” I said as I stepped inside, shutting the door behind me. “I’m, er, kinda having a crisis?”
“You don’t sound sure,” Laurie said, but he didn’t seem annoyed, more intrigued.
“Honestly, I’m not sure of anything right now. But I need to talk to someone, and I figured you and Theo could probably help.” I lowered my voice conspiratorially, even though there was nobody else around. “I, er, I don’t think I’m straight. And I’m a bit… confused.”
Laurie nodded. “Come on. I’ll put the kettle on.”
I followed him upstairs and into the large sitting room, which had the same kind of vibe as Sherlock’s living room.
It had similar old-fashioned wallpaper, an old red carpet, and a fireplace in the far wall with bookcases on either side of it, each one overflowing with books and knickknacks.
On the wooden mantelpiece above the fire stood two things that had freaked me out the first time I’d seen them: a stuffed raven with a top hat and monocle, named Lord Featherby, and two stuffed mice who were tap dancing.
Laurie had said, with a bemused smile, that they were Theo’s.
“Take a seat,” Laurie said, gesturing at the squishy leather sofa.
“I’ll get you a drink.” He walked over towards an open doorframe, which I knew led to a kitchen-dining room and beyond that, two bedrooms and a bathroom.
I heard Laurie’s footsteps recede and then some muffled conversation where he was obviously talking to Theo.
I looked around the living room to the TV in the corner where the screen was paused on an episode of a show I didn’t recognise. It was something historical, though, given the way everyone was dressed. Maybe about Vikings. Or pirates. They were definitely on a ship.
I didn’t get much of a chance to think about it, though, because two seconds later, there was a thundering of footsteps, and I turned my head just in time to see Theo come flying into the room, dressed in what looked like a Playboy bunny outfit, complete with enormous ears nestled into his blond hair.
I stared. Theo didn’t notice.
“Are you okay?” he asked, flopping down on the floor in front of me and looking up at me with a penetrating expression.
I tried not to meet his eyes. Mostly because that would mean looking at Theo in his bunny suit, and it was making me consider things.
Weird things. Like what Noah would look like dressed like that.
“Er, not sure,” I said, looking at a spot just behind Theo’s head.
“Laurie said you were in distress and needed help. Did something happen?”
“I did not say he was in distress,” Laurie said, appearing with a large, old-fashioned biscuit tin and shoving it under my nose.
“I said Spencer needed to talk to us about a specific issue he believed we could help with.” He shook the biscuit tin.
“Have a biscuit. It’ll help. In fact, take three.
” I picked out a couple of chocolate biscuits as Laurie turned back to Theo and raised his eyebrow.
“Did you not want to put some clothes on?”
Theo looked down at himself and laughed. “Oops, I didn’t realise how much was showing. Hand me that blanket?” Laurie threw a black fleece blanket at his head, and Theo caught it and draped it over his lap. “Better?”
“Yes,” Laurie said with an approving nod. “We can’t see your dick now.”
“Sorry,” Theo said. “Can I have a biscuit?”
“Here.” Laurie handed him the tin, which Theo took with a beaming smile. “I’ll be back in a minute.” He walked back towards the kitchen and there was a moment of silence while I waited for Theo to ask the inevitable question.
“So what did you want to talk about?” His tone was soft, innocent almost, but I could hear the gently prodding note underneath it that told me Theo wasn’t going to let me sidestep things.
Which was fair enough since I had turned up at his house on a Saturday night without even giving him a heads-up.
“I, er, well…” I’d told Laurie and Chris, so it should have been easy to say it again, but the reality was starting to hit me as I remembered how my body had reacted to seeing Noah licking up buttercream in my kitchen.
“I’m… I have… I don’t think I’m straight.
I think I have a crush… on Noah. And I don’t know what to do. ”
Theo looked at me for a second, and then he nodded and smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry, we’ve got you. Don’t we, Laurie?”
“We do indeed,” Laurie said, bringing in a tray laden with three large mugs.
He slid it onto a small table next to the sofa and handed me one, which was unsurprisingly black with a pattern of little white stars all over it.
He handed Theo a mug patterned with colourful, pixelated hearts before sitting on the sofa next to me with his own cauldron-shaped mug in his hands.
“Thanks for telling us,” Theo said earnestly before dunking a chocolate biscuit in his tea. “I’m glad you trust us. Have you told anyone else?”
“Sort of,” I said, feeling an overwhelming sense of relief that he wasn’t making a big deal out of it. “Just in vague terms to a gym buddy I know is bi.”
Theo nodded and then said, “Is this the first time you’ve ever felt like this about someone who wasn’t a girl?”
“I think so? I don’t know.” I broke one of my biscuits in half and ate a bit, trying to think back. I felt my face flush. “Is it… is it gay to look at other guys at the gym? I always told myself I was checking out their form, but maybe… I think sometimes I stare because they look good.”
“First of all,” Theo said, “there is no this is gay, that is not gay. Actions are not gay.” Laurie snorted, and Theo giggled.
“Okay, so, maybe me sucking dick is gay. As is me getting railed by, like… Anyway, that’s not my point.
My point is that looking at other guys’ asses doesn’t make you gay.
It’s not like a switch. Sexuality is fluid and more like a spectrum than a set of absolutes. Does that make sense?”
“It does. I guess Noah isn’t really the first guy I’ve found attractive,” I said, slowly starting to piece things together from my past. “But he’s…
he’s the first man I’ve ever gotten, like, butterflies around.
I feel so nervous around him. Like I’m going to be sick but also like I want to see him all the time.
And I… Earlier he came over so I could teach him how to make icing for cupcakes, and he did this thing, and I… ”
“He didn’t happen to lick icing off the beater did he?” Laurie asked. I turned to him, and I knew my confusion was written across my face.
“Yeah. How did you know?”
Laurie gave me a little smile and sipped his tea. “Just a hunch.”
“Yeah,” Theo said sagely. “That’ll do it. Did you get hard?”
“Theo!” Laurie exclaimed while my face flamed.
“What? There’s no point dancing around it. And looking at Spencer’s face, I think I just hit the nail on the head.”
“I know, but there’s no need to be so crass about it.”
“Really?” Theo shot him a withering look. “It’s me.”
I chuckled because they were so funny together—like some old married couple.
Nobody really knew whether they were together or not, and now it felt rude to ask.
I’d just thought they were really good friends for like the first year until Alex had mentioned something about it.
I wasn’t really sure what that said about me.
“Um, I…” I swallowed. I knew I could trust these two. They weren’t the sort to plaster my secrets all over Twitter. “Yeah, I did. But it was more than that. I really wanted to kiss him. And I’ve never wanted that with a man before. I nearly did too.”
“What stopped you?” Laurie asked, and I shrugged.
“I don’t know. I wasn’t sure if Noah wanted it too, and I didn’t want to make things weird between us. He’s my friend, and I really like hanging out with him. I don’t want to fuck that up by doing something I can’t take back.”
“What if you don’t fuck it up?” Theo asked. “What if you kiss Noah and he likes it? What if he wants more? Would that change things?”
“No. Why would it?” I wasn’t sure what Theo was poking at, but the idea of Noah wanting more didn’t bother me. If anything, I couldn’t actually imagine it happening because I still couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of him wanting me like that.
But if I got the chance, I’d want to do whatever I could to make Noah happy. I’d want to spend hours with him, exploring every inch of his body so I knew just what made him moan. I’d never be satisfied until I’d made him come, whispering my name like a prayer.
Oh…
Yeah, I definitely wasn’t straight.
I glanced down and realised Theo was looking at me with a sly smile like he was watching me figure something out that he already knew, like the pieces of the puzzle were clicking into place in real time right before his eyes.
“I really do have a crush on Noah,” I said quietly, turning a piece of biscuit over in one hand. “And I really want to be with him. Or at least, I wouldn’t mind seeing how things went. Like that doesn’t scare me. Not that it would, but… Yeah.”
“It’s okay,” Theo said. “Sexual exploration can be a little daunting if it’s your first time, but just talk to Noah.
Healthy communication is important with all your partners no matter their gender.
Anyway, this doesn’t mean you have to go and jump on him.
Just tell him how you feel. Be honest that you like him and you’re having feelings and that you’d be open to exploring a relationship with him if it was something he was interested in. ”
I nodded. Theo made it sound so simple, and maybe it was. But right now, it felt like a massive hurdle to climb. How did I even bring it up in conversation? “I think I can do that. Maybe.”
“You don’t have to obviously,” Laurie said. “But if you do want something with Noah, you are going to have to tell him. You can’t expect him to read your mind.”
“Exactly,” Theo said. “Communication is key!”
I nodded again, repeating the phrase to myself. Then I looked at Theo and asked the question that had been bugging me since I arrived. “Theo, why are you wearing a bunny suit?”
Theo grinned. “I was streaming when you arrived—just playing some Dawn of Blood. Anyway, I promised my followers I’d wear the suit if they helped me and a couple of friends raise twenty grand for the LGBT Foundation at an event we did last weekend.
We raised nearly thirty, which is why I am now a bunny!
I think I look cute, though, don’t you? I’m going to wear it again next week when I go to London to film with some friends. ”
It was an open secret in our group that Theo did amateur porn for fun.
Alex was the one who’d found out and asked Laurie about it.
He’d apparently just shrugged and said it was Theo’s thing.
He’d seemed surprised Alex had asked, or maybe he was surprised none of us knew.
Anyway, we’d all promised never to watch him—because that was probably weird—and that we’d always support him and be there if he needed anything.
We’d never judge him, and we just wanted him to be safe.
“Thirty grand? That’s amazing,” I said. “And yeah, you look cute. Be safe next week, okay?”
“I will, but thanks.” He took a long drink of his tea. “Do you feel better now? Less confused?”
“I feel less confused,” I said. “Not sure about better, though. Are the snakes in the stomach normal? What about the feeling sick?”
“It’s totally normal,” Laurie said. “And I promise, if you talk to him, things will be okay.”
“You think?” I asked, wondering if they knew something I didn’t.
“I do.”
“Okay,” I said, unable to stop myself from smiling as I took a sip of my tea.