Chapter Thirteen #2
I nodded, thinking it all through. “We usually go to the pub on Fridays. You can come with me one day if you want.”
“That’d be fun. I won’t be able to do this Friday because we’ve got a late-night shoot, but maybe next week?
I’d have to check the schedule but I think that will work.
I have a sneaking suspicion the Saturday after that is an early morning, but I could be wrong.
Things often change at short notice if they want to shoot outside, and I can’t remember if we’ve already done certain bits or not. ”
“That’ll be fine.” I’d probably let people know beforehand that I was bringing someone but I wasn’t going to tell them who.
The more prep time I gave them, the more questions they’d come armed with and I was hoping that if they were caught on the hop, they’d be too stunned to speak and wouldn’t figure out I’d skipped last week to go out to dinner. “Did you tell Jason and Lewis?”
“About us?”
“Yeah.”
“No,” Henry said, shaking his head and sitting back on the sofa, crossing one leg over the other.
I’d never realised how long his legs were.
“I was going to, but I didn’t. It just didn’t feel right, but I know I’ll need to because the PR firm sent their plan through today.
I just haven’t looked at it yet. I think there was something in the email about the week after next, so we’ll have had a total of about three weeks—it might actually be the day after I said I’d come to the pub, which would be good because then your friends will know.
You might need the support. I know you keep saying you’re okay with all this, but I don’t think you are. ”
“Seriously, I’m fine with it,” I said.
“Really? Because you look like you’re about to vomit, and I can’t help thinking it’s because of this whole situation.”
“It’s… fuck, it’s not the fake dating thing.
And it’s not you either.” I sighed, holding my glass of water in both hands and twisting it slowly.
I’d never told anyone about what’d happened with Michael, not even Noah—he’d been away at university when we broke up and he’d been struggling enough with his own problems. He hadn’t needed mine too.
“I had a really fucking bad breakup ages ago,” I continued.
“Like the sort of breakup that fucks with your head for a long time. It’s still fucking with my head if I’m honest. And it means I’m not good at this.
I don’t know what a healthy relationship feels like, so faking one feels impossible, let alone actually being in one.
I’m just… I’m fucking terrified that I’m going to fuck things up for both of us. ”
“I’m sorry,” Henry said. He looked like he was going to put his hand out, then thought better of it.
“Breakups like that are hard. There’s no magic fix to them really.
You just have to learn to live with them, and eventually you can try to move on and let the pain fade.
But it takes time, and it’s never as easy as people make it sound. ”
“You sound like you’re speaking from experience.”
“A little, yes. When I was first starting out in Hollywood, I met this girl. Her name was Emma. She was an aspiring actress, and honestly I thought she was brilliant, but nothing really seemed to work out for her. It’s a hard business, and it’s even harder when your boyfriend starts getting the success you’ve always craved.
I thought we could make it work… I loved her so much…
but in the end that wasn’t enough. Everything just exploded between us, and not in a good way, more in the screaming, crying, throwing things kind of way. ”
There was a heavy sadness in his expression, like reliving it was painful. Maybe he did understand how I felt, but we’d just responded in different ways—me by closing myself off and Henry by becoming Hollywood’s biggest flirt.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” I said.
“Thanks,” he said, giving me a soft smile.
He put his hand down on the cushion between us and I reached out to put my hand on top of his, wrapping my fingers around him and squeezing gently.
“It was probably for the best in the end… but sometimes I wonder what might have been. But then I look at my life and I’m torn.
I love being an actor, and I love what it’s given me.
I wouldn’t want to change that, so maybe… it’s better this way.”
“You really think so?”
“I do. I think if we’d tried to make our relationship work, we’d both have had to compromise on who we were or what we wanted.
On our dreams. I certainly would’ve had to turn down roles that changed my life, and I know I’d have resented Emma for that.
I think whatever happened, it was bound to end in tragedy.
And knowing that it was inevitable is comforting sometimes, especially when I have days when I feel very alone. ”
I thought for a second. I’d never thought about my breakup in that way, but maybe Henry had a point.
Michael and I had wanted such different things from life, and I hadn’t wanted to leave Heather Bay just because Michael was convinced there were so many better places out there.
I’d hoped he’d love me enough to stay. That my life, my dreams, and who I was as a person would be enough.
But it wasn’t, and I’d hated him for it.
I hated him for abandoning me.
Maybe I was looking at it all wrong, though. Hard as it was to admit, it might have been the best thing for us because if I’d left with him, I’d have resented him within a month.
The idea that I’d closed myself off to the possibility of anything for the past seven years suddenly felt ridiculous.
Had I really wasted my twenties grieving and resenting a relationship that never would have worked?
The realisation was crushing and freeing all at once, and I didn’t know what to do.
“Do you still believe in love?” I asked, because out of all the questions I had, that felt like the most important.
“I do,” Henry said, turning his hand over in mine to link our fingers together and squeeze my hand tightly. “I think love is the most important thing in the world. And I have to believe there’s someone out there who’ll love me for who I am—not as Henry Lu, Hollywood superstar, but as just Henry.”
“There is,” I said. “And you’ll find them.”
“So will you.” He looked me dead in the eyes and I froze. “There’s someone out there for you too, Alex. I know it. They’re going to love you more than you ever thought possible, and you’ll feel the same. You’ll live and die for each other, and nothing else will ever come close to it.”
I nodded because I had no words. Until ten minutes ago, I’d never have thought that could be possible, but now…
Maybe I could believe in the idea of being loved.