Chapter Twenty-Four
Henry
As much as I loved period dress, it was really fucking uncomfortable when British summer decided to make an early appearance and drop a week of bright, uninterrupted sunshine with temperatures starting to push thirty.
Apparently the costuming department had designed me a summer wardrobe with lighter coats and plenty of linen, but I wasn’t currently being allowed to wear any of it because it didn’t fit with the parts of the series we were working on.
In typical British fashion, everyone on set was complaining about the weather and how it was ruining their plans.
“God, do you think I can take this off yet?” Jason asked as he flopped into the seat next to me, unbuttoning his coat and fanning himself with a few pages of the script he’d left on the chair. “I’m melting.”
“Join the club,” I said. I had taken my coat off and left it carefully draped over the back of Kane’s empty chair. He was still on set with Tamsin, whose dress looked a lot more comfortable. I would have killed for a love scene just so I could strip off to the bare minimum.
Hareford House seemed to stay quite cool, even with the sun shining in through the windows, but because of all the lights and the fact we couldn’t open any of the windows to keep background noise to a minimum, we were all dripping.
I’d sweet-talked my way into borrowing one of the spare lady’s fans from Wardrobe, promising on my life to return it undamaged and unstained at the end of the day, so I at least had something to offer the vaguest bit of relief.
“At least you’ve got a fan,” Jason said. “Where did you get it anyway?”
“Marcy in Wardrobe,” I said after glancing around to make sure nobody was listening to us. I’d promised Marcy not to tell everyone where I got it or everyone would want one. “But that’s a secret you’re to keep on pain of death. Marcy swore me to secrecy.”
“I won’t say a word. Just let me borrow it for five minutes.”
“Sod off. You’ve got your pages—fold those into a fan instead.”
“But they won’t work as well.”
“Tough, this is mine.” I held the fan out of the way as Jason attempted to snatch it, but he quickly gave up.
“Ugh, it’s too hot for this.” He tipped his head back and stared at the ornate ceiling above us.
“How much have you got left to do?” I asked.
I knew my time with Jason was coming to an end.
He was only still here because he’d really impressed Jenny, and she and the writers had quickly inserted him into another few scenes to give the directors plenty of options when it came to editing.
I’d never seen anything like it before, but that was Jenny, and everyone did as they were told when it came to her.
You didn’t get to be Jenny Hall without being right all the time and producing some of the best British television of the last thirty-something years. And when you were Jenny Hall, nobody argued with you unless they felt very brave.
“Today’s my last day,” he said, tilting his face to look at me. “Unless Jenny makes any more last-minute adjustments.”
“I think she’s cursing that she couldn’t get you into the main cast. At least for this season.”
“She was asking how I felt about doing more TV in the future. I told her I’d be open to it, depending on the project, but I think that might’ve been a mistake.”
I laughed and winced. “Yeah, you’ll be a season regular in no time.”
Jason chuckled, still fanning himself with his loose collection of papers. “I wouldn’t mind. This has been fun.”
“Do you think you’ll want to do more TV then?”
“Maybe? But I don’t think I’d want to do anything that didn’t film in the UK. My life is here now, and so is Lewis’s, and I love what we have. I wouldn’t want to uproot that.”
“I guess that makes sense,” I said as I turned his words over in my mind. They highlighted something I’d been starting to think about but trying not to consciously engage with over the past few weeks. What did Alex and I do when I’d finished filming Llewelyn and had to move on to my next project?
Because I didn’t want to let Alex go, but I didn’t know if he’d come with me.
“It’s strange sometimes,” Jason said softly. “I didn’t think I’d ever meet someone I’d be able to settle down with, but now I’ve got Lewis I can’t imagine doing anything else. He’s my whole world and I love the life we’re building together. I wouldn’t want anything different.”
“He’s good for you,” I said. “And you for him.”
“Thanks.” He smiled at me, but there was a firmness to his expression and I knew he was about to say something I probably wasn’t going to like.
“You and Alex are the same, at least from what I’ve seen.
He balances you out—tempers you, I guess.
I don’t think I’ve seen you as relaxed and happy around someone for a long time. ”
“I’m always happy when I’m with you,” I said, unsure why I wasn’t just agreeing with him, even though I knew it was all true.
“You are but it’s different. You’re happy, but it’s like… it’s a pretend happy. With Alex, it’s like you can be yourself. You can relax and not worry about being Henry Lu, my stupidly famous brother who is definitely not as handsome as everyone on TikTok thinks he is.”
“Jealous much?” I asked with a loud snort of laughter that drew the gaze of some of the crew. I mouthed “Sorry” in response.
“I’m not jealous. I’m just saying around Alex, it seems like you don’t have to be that person everyone thinks you are. You can just be you. Henry. My brother. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah, it does. I feel the same.” I flipped the fan open and shut, looking at the pattern on the fabric.
“Maybe it’s because Alex didn’t care who I was when we met, and that he still doesn’t really, but I can be myself around him.
I don’t have to worry about what he’ll think because he already thought I was an ass once, so anything more than that is a bonus. ”
Jason chuckled. “I mean, you can be an ass sometimes.”
“Everyone can be an ass, Jason. It’s what makes us human,” I said, attempting to look serious and biting the inside of my mouth to stop myself from laughing.
“You especially,” he said, shifting in his seat and stretching his legs out in front of him.
The pair of us were wearing long boots and I wished I could just pull mine off and go paddling on the beach instead.
“It did surprise me, you know, when you first told me what Alex had said. I didn’t think you’d ever meet someone else who’d call you out like that, and I didn’t know whether it was a good thing or not that you’d suddenly attached yourself to the idea of him being someone special. ”
“Were you worried?”
“Yeah, a little. Mostly that you’d do something stupid and end up getting stabbed again.”
“Oh, for God’s sake, Jason, that was one time! And I didn’t even get stabbed!” I tried to jab him in the side with my fan but he swatted me away. “Are you worried about me now?”
“About you getting stabbed by some crazed fan? Yeah. About Alex? No. He’s good for you. I just hope you can make it work.”
I frowned and flipped the fan open again sharply. “Why would you say that?”
“You know why,” he said softly. “You just don’t want to think about it.”
“Spell it out for me,” I said. “So I can’t escape it.” I knew what he meant because he was about to ask the same questions I was asking myself.
The time for me to face the music was drawing closer.
“Right now, you and Alex are living in this bubble—yes, the whole world knows, but it doesn’t seem to be particularly intrusive, at least from what I’ve seen, and you’re both here all the time while you film.
But what happens when you’re done here and you move on to your next project?
Are you moving here? Are you going to do long distance?
Living in the here and now is amazing, and if you two are just having some fun while you film, then that’s fine.
But… I’ve seen you together, and I don’t think that’s what you’re doing, which means you two have got a lot of conversations to have.
You can’t just bury your head in the sand and hope they’ll go away. ”
“I don’t know, being an ostrich sounds fun,” I said.
“You know what I mean. Don’t pretend you don’t know or care what I’m saying because you already know I’m telling the truth and you care about Alex.”
“I do.” I sighed. “That’s why I’ve been ignoring it. I have no idea how to even bring it up. I mean what do I say? ‘Hey, I’m only going to be here for another two months. Want to figure out the plan for the rest of our lives?’”
“Don’t be a twat,” Jason said. “You know it’s not the rest of your lives.
But you owe it to him to be honest. Does he know what your job entails?
What your filming schedule is like? You have to be honest with him if you want it to work.
He can’t go into this with half the information; he has to go in eyes open.
Alex might be aware of the risks now, but the whole world knows who you are.
You need to know if he can deal with that long term. ”
“But what if…” All I could think about was Emma and how things had ended between us.
She hadn’t wanted me or my fame, and the way she’d spat words at me in our final arguments had left scars on my soul.
Alex seemed to have coped fine with everything over the past six weeks, but what happened when the bubble burst and he realised exactly what being with me involved? He’d never have peace again.
“What if he doesn’t want you?”
“Yeah.” My voice cracked as I forced the word out.
“Then you cry, and you swear, and you wallow for a few weeks, and then you move on,” Jason said. He made it sound like it would be easy, even though I knew he didn’t think that. Jason had known heartbreak, but if things ended with Alex, it would be different.
It would be like losing a part of my soul.
“It won’t be easy,” I said, unsure if I meant talking to Alex or getting over our potential breakup. Both of them terrified me, but if I wanted to try and avoid the second, I had to do the first.
“Nothing worth having ever is,” Jason said. “But if you want this, you have to work for it.”
He was right, of course, but I wasn’t going to admit that. I just stared out of the nearest window and looked out across the bay, trying to work out where the hell to even begin.