Chapter 22
T o: [email protected] Subject: Finished S and of the half that are, 20% of them are only looking for something casual. 1 If you’re anything like me, you’ve already sworn off getting into any kind of serious relationship for the sake of your own sanity. After all, embracing the single life can bring you peace of mind, more free time, and a chance to discover yourself. Sounds like a sweet deal, right?
But it begs the age-old question: if I’m not dating, does that mean I have to be celibate? That, dear reader, is why the universe gave us one-night stands. For some, it’s a rite of passage into adulthood. For others, it’s a lifestyle; a staple on their Friday night docket. Whatever the case may be, casual sex is common practice for young Manhattanites looking to sow their wild oats, rebound after a bad breakup, or just to have some good, simple fun.
If you’re still anything like me (in which case, my deepest condolences), you might need explicit instructions on how to execute a one-night stand successfully, lest you sabotage yourself and completely mess it up. Which is exactly what I did. It should come as no surprise that sex without feelings takes a certain finesse: an ability to compartmentalize and let loose. And since I don’t have a single one of the aforementioned abilities, I’m the perfect person to teach how to avoid the mistakes I made, and secure a successful ONS.
Safety first
Rule number one: no glove, no love. Even if you’re on the pill, have an IUD, rely on the pull-out method and crossed fingers, or use any other form of birth control, condoms are always a good idea. Remember they’re not only useful for keeping those pesky babies at bay—they protect you from STIs too.
On that note, get regular checkups and STI tests. I know, I know: we all hate going to the doctor. No one wants to be poked and prodded (at least, not outside of the bedroom) and then be charged a few hundred dollars to top it off. But it’s a necessary evil. Get the swap, pee in the cup, do the blood test; whatever you have to do to make sure you’re staying safe. If money is tight, check out this list of sexual health clinics in NYC that provide low- to no-cost STI testing . 2
Most importantly, don’t forget to tell a friend where you’re going and who you’re going with. Get names and addresses—hell, take a selfie outside their building. You can never be too cautious, and a good partner will be happy to oblige. Any response other than understanding is a huge red flag, and you should run far, far away .
Getting ready
Consider tidying your apartment before you go out, just in case the good times continue at your place. You don’t have to do a whole deep clean, but you might want to toss your old takeout containers and hide your dirty dishes in the sink. Or, at the very least, shove that mountain of dirty clothes on your floor into the closet (no shame, we all have one—I think mine has started to self-replicate).
When choosing what to wear, pick something you feel good in. Confidence is the sexiest outfit, and your clothes will end up in a heap on the floor if all goes to plan anyway. Try not to wear anything too complicated though; the last thing you want is for your date to spend twenty minutes trying to take off your bra. Put your best foot forward with an extra swipe of deodorant and a swish of mouthwash, and you’re all set.
When it comes to casual sex, going to a bar or club is probably your best bet. It gives you the chance to see and interact with someone in person before deciding to go home with them, which will help weed out the weirdos (NB: if anyone calls you “Milady”, they almost certainly own a fedora). Tinder is also a viable option, but beware it comes with more uncertainties, and a fair bit more planning.
Picking your target
Don’t just pick the first person you run into (unless they’re, like, super mega hot). Do a lap, assess your options, and if you don’t like what you see, try a new location. This isn’t a take what you can get situation. Pickiness is encouraged. Seeing as this is one of those rare circumstances in life where what’s on the outside is the only thing that matters, you may want to choose wisely.
Making your intentions clear is key here. I’m not saying you have to open with “I want to sleep with you and never see you again”, but make sure to slip into the conversation that you’re not looking for anything serious. The last thing you want to do is give someone the wrong impression, or get your own feelings hurt. If a one-night stand isn’t something they’re interested in, move onto the next.
Have fun!
The whole point of a one-night stand is to have a good time. Let loose, get a drink in you to loosen up (but not too many; you want to remember the experience, not do something you’ll regret), and don’t be afraid to try things. Test out new kinks or different techniques, try on other personalities. You never know, you might just discover your new fave position by stepping outside of your comfort zone.
The same thing goes for your partner. It’s okay to go for someone you wouldn’t normally consider ‘your type’—especially considering you’ll never see them again. You don’t have to want the same number of kids, have the same bucket list travel destinations, or have compatible zodiac signs. Remember, you’re not looking for a spouse, just a fun night.
Don’t be a jerk
Sneaking out once the deed is done is a big no-no. If you don’t plan on staying the night, give them a heads up before you call your Uber. Likewise, if they’re the ones going home to the comfort of their own bed, stick around long enough to make sure they get into their ride safely. It’s common decency; they’re still a real person with real feelings, even if you never want to see them again.
That being said, it’s okay to stay the night after a hookup. No one’s saying you have to spoon them to sleep, but it won’t kill you to get some shut eye and part ways in the morning. In other words, don’t be that person who kicks someone out of bed. Remember that the person lying next to you is human too, and they also need rest.
A cautionary tale
Whatever you do, do not , I repeat: do NOT sleep with someone you might have feelings for. The whole premise of a one-night stand is that you never have anything to do with that person once it’s over. If you have sex with someone you know, whether they’re an old friend, a colleague, or even a roommate, you’re instantly putting that relationship at risk. Because once you cross that line, there’s no going back. It’ll either be immeasurably awkward every time you see each other, or you’ll want to do it again. And then you’re really in trouble.
That was my mistake. I gave into my feelings for a really great guy, and had a one-night stand with him—or so I thought. It turns out that night meant more to him than just sex, and, if I’m being honest, it did for me too. But when confronted with the truth, I shut down instead of coming clean about how I felt. I had the chance at something real, and I blew it.
So, dear reader, I leave you with these words of wisdom: if, by some miracle, your night of casual sex leads to something deeper, don’t be a coward like I was. Run toward it, not away from it. You can’t help who you fall for, no matter how hard you might try to fight it. I learned that the hard way. But if you’re brave enough to be honest with yourself and take that leap of faith, you might just have a better chance at happiness than I did.
Sources
Brown, A. (2020). Nearly Half of U.S. Adults Say Dating Has Gotten Harder for Most People in the Last 10 Years . Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/nearly-half-of-u-s-adults-say-dating-has-gotten-harder-for-most-people-in-the-last-10-years/
NYC Health. (n.d.). Sexual Health Clinics. https://www.nyc.gov/site/doh/services/sexual-health-clinics.page