Chapter 23
F riday crawls by. It’s just me and Princess alone in the penthouse, and it’s never felt quieter. Whenever we’re not on a walk, playing, or eating, I just putter around trying to distract myself from the fact that Eli’s gone. Unsuccessfully.
A small, delusional part of me thought maybe he might come back, to say hi or to see Princess or something, but it never happens. Of course it doesn’t, I wouldn’t want to see me either after I left him in bed and then shut him out. But it doesn’t stop me from hoping.
At lunchtime, Gigi calls me to tell me their flight gets in tomorrow morning, and they should be back home by noon.
Then it hits me: I’m leaving tomorrow. It’s my last night here, with the king-sized bed and the clawfoot tub and the balcony overlooking the city—and with Princess.
I’m not ready to go. Leaving has always been my least favorite part of this job, but this time it’s hitting ten times harder than ever before. I always knew this moment was coming, so I shouldn’t be surprised. I guess I got so caught up in the luxury, in the late nights with Eli and the quiet afternoons spent writing together, that it felt like it would never end.
But it has to. He had a life to get back to—which he has now done—and I do too. I can’t live in this fantasy forever, that’s not the way life works. No matter how much I want it to.
Then around dinnertime, a nauseating thought occurs to me. Eli probably went out last night and met someone new, someone who’s not a complete idiot, and slept with her. I bet he’s at her place right now, having a great time and not wasting one more second thinking out me. He’s moved on, forgotten all about me. And I have no right to be upset about it.
Two weeks ago we didn’t even know each other, and yesterday I basically told him to kick rocks. I was a blip in his life. So he should be with someone else. I want him to be.
Even if the thought of it makes my stomach churn.
I keep picturing his hands around another woman’s waist, pulling her in the way he pulled me in. Lifting her into his arms like he did the night we came home drunk. His lips on hers, kissing her tenderly like he kissed me up against the wall after we got rained on. His mouth on her neck, breathing intimate words into her ear, his lips moving lower and lower, inching down her chest as he—
I think I’m going to be sick.
Suffice to say, I don’t sleep well tonight. And by Saturday morning, I’m a complete mess.
Flourish published its new issue today, so my article is live for the world to see. I never really heard back from Amani when I sent her the final version, but she must not have totally hated it if she deemed it good enough to post. I read it over through tired eyes, even though I practically have the whole thing memorized at this point, because it feels so good to see it on the Flourish website.
Your Guide to a Successful One-Night Stand—From Someone Who Royally Messed Hers Up, by Gemma DeLuca. There it is, my name in virtual print. A small comfort after the events of the past few days, but a comfort none the less.
I did it. I worked my ass off and pulled it together, despite my crippling fear of failure. And I couldn’t be more proud of myself. For the first time in twenty-four hours, a giddy feeling radiates through me. I don’t even think it matters if Amani doesn’t like it. Yes, getting my own column is my dream, but I’ve proven to myself that I do whatever I set my mind to, even if it seems impossible. And that sense of accomplishment is enough for me.
I get a flutter when I realize that Eli could be reading it any second now (if he even still wants to), and I find myself watching the elevator doors all morning just in case he walks through them. The hours are passing at an alarming rate, and there’s not much time left before the Kaplans come home and I leave this place forever.
At seven, I take Princess on my last walk with her, subconsciously peering around every street corner hoping to find Eli.
At eight, we eat our last breakfast together (eggs and toast for me, kibble for her)—still no sign of him.
At ten, we play our last game of tug of war, and I let her win one final time. No surprise, Eli doesn’t show.
By eleven thirty, it becomes clear I’m not going to see him before I go. My heart sinks down to the ground, like I’m burying it along with any hope of ever feeling his arms wrapped around me again .
Then the elevator dings.
Adrenaline shoots through my veins as I look out into the foyer, my pulse doubling at the sound. This could be him, he could have read my article and realized what a mistake I made and came back to—
“Where’s my sweet girl?” I hear Gigi call as she steps off the elevator, her husband in tow.
A sharp pain cuts through my chest when the doors close behind them, sealing my fate.
“There she is!” she exclaims when Princess bounces over to her, yapping in excitement.
I clear my throat, trying to stuff my disappointment and heartache down, and get up to greet them.
“Good to have you back!” I chime in the cheeriest voice I can manage. “How was the trip?”
Gigi picks up the pup in her arms, accepting multiple wet kisses on her cheek, while Tobias painstakingly lugs both of their suitcases into the foyer.
“Wonderful, just wonderful ! Best vacation we’ve ever taken,” she gushes, pulling Princess away from her face to look at her. “And next time, we’re bringing you!”
“We are?” Tobias asks, defeat painting his face while I stifle a laugh.
“Of course we are, my sweet girl!”
I can’t help but smile at how much she loves Princess. It’s heartwarming to see, and brings back a familiar craving to have that kind of love for myself.
One day , I tell myself. When I have enough money, when I’m on my own and I live someplace that allows animals, I’ll have that. One day, I’ll finally get my dog.
“Were you good for Gemma while we were away?” Gigi asks her before setting her back down on the floor, only for her to come running to my feet.
It’s almost like she knows I’m about to leave, and it tugs at the flimsy string keeping all of my emotions at bay.
“She was an angel.”
I give her one last belly rub, holding back whatever it is that’s about to come pouring out of me.
“I’m so glad. I take it you didn’t run into any issues, then?”
Memories of the past two weeks with Eli flash through my mind: eating burgers on the balcony, giving Princess a bath, talking about our dreams and our shitty childhoods, falling asleep together, kissing next to the staircase, and finally sleeping together after getting caught in the rain. It makes my heart soar, before subsequently plummeting to the pit of my stomach.
“Nope. Everything was perfect.”
***
“Our world traveller has finally returned!” Veda exclaims as I come through the door not one hour later, feeling beaten down and exhausted. “Tell us, have you come bearing gifts from your travels?”
“I was three miles away, V.” I snap against my better judgement, setting my backpack on the ground and kicking off my shoes.
I can’t do this. Not right now. I’m not in a joking kind of mood, even though I know she’s done nothing wrong. Everything hurts, my body feels like it’s been stuffed with lead, and there’s a pinching at the back of my throat I’d rather ignore .
“Ouch, touchy,” Cassie says from the couch, peering over at me.
I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me, but she didn’t deserve that. I’m projecting, I know I am.
Veda frowns, eyes traveling all over my face as if she’s trying to diagnose the issue, and suddenly I feel like I’m alone on a stage with the spotlight shining in my eyes.
“I’m sorry, I’m just—I just…”
And then, despite all my efforts to shove everything I’m feeling down into the blackhole growing in my stomach, emotion washes over me like a hurricane. Everything bubbles up to the surface all at once: all of the stress that the article caused me over the past two weeks, the sadness from saying goodbye today, the pain of having hurt Eli, and the ache that pierces through me from missing him more than I can describe. I’m tired and weary, feeling overwhelmed and empty all at once.
So I start crying.
Tears stream down my face faster than I can wipe them away. My cheeks get hot and my nose gets stuffy, my shoulders shaking with every sob.
Veda and Cassie come rushing to my side at once, holding me in their arms. Veda rubs gentle circles on my back while Cassie cradles my head tight against her, both of them scrambling to figure out what just happened.
I haven’t cried like this in years. Not since the summer Henry broke up with me. In fact, I haven’t cried at all since then.
“Oh, sweetie!” Cassie consoles, right before Veda asks, “What happened?”
I want to tell them, but my throat won’t let me. I feels like I’ve swallowed a golf ball. All my energy is being redirected to crying, to producing more tears than I ever knew was possible.
Everything is snowballing now, the memories of pleading with my parents not to make me move again, of being the only kid with no friends at a new school, of thinking I was in love with Henry then having him crush my heart without so much as a hesitation.
And then there’s Eli. I talked about my past with him. I never do that. He knows things not even my two best friends know; that’s a big deal to me. Whatever it was that we had, it meant something. To both of us. I’ve never felt safer, or more comfortable opening up for anyone, but I ruined it. And now I’ll probably never see him again.
I want to blame my parents, blame my commitment issues, blame the whole damn universe. But I know it was all me. I made my choices, and I have to take responsibility for them. Even if it’s making my insides knot into themselves.
“I think this is a DEFCON 1 situation,” Veda says to Cassie while the hurt pours out of my throat.
Cassie hands me off into her arms, nodding. “I’ll go get it.”
She goes into the kitchen and returns a moment later holding a box of tissues, a spoon, and an unopened tub of Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked: our EIC (Emergency Ice Cream) that we keep in the back of the freezer for only the most devastating of heartbreaks. This is only the second tub we’ve ever bought—the first having been broken out for Cassie after her boyfriend broke up with her over text last year.
Veda guides me to the couch where we sit squished together, her rubbing my arm while Cassie hands me the supplies.
“Okay, tell us everything.”