FALLON
The GPS that Pepper has connected through the Bluetooth in the car gracefully lets me know that we’re fifteen minutes from our destination, and my heart is somersaulting in my chest. I’ve never felt anxiety like this before, and I can’t stop my hands from shaking.
Facing Ozzy after what he did to me is terrifying, almost enough to make me change my mind and hurl my body out of this moving car, but I can’t do that.
I can’t back down or be afraid.
It’s time he explained himself, and although I feel like I might puke or pass out, I’ll be present for every word.
“Just a few minutes now, girls. Who’s excited?” Pepper cheers, stopping at our fourth red light in a row.
“Excited isn’t the word,” I mumble, looking at my appearance in the rearview.
At quick glance, I look rough. My hair is dull, frizzy, and the roots need a serious touch-up. My face is swollen with under-eye bags and tear stains, which makes it look like I haven’t slept in weeks.
“You’re right, Fal. I could explode with pure ecstasy right now! It’s been so long since I’ve seen Alexander … oh, I’m just gonna jump his bones,” she says, winking at me in the mirror.
I wince at the thought of that, refocusing my attention on how to make myself look less like a hollowed-out shell in only … five minutes.
“Pepper, do you have any makeup? Concealer, maybe blush?” I ask, but she shakes her head.
“Sorry, Fallon. I’m cleansing my skin this week. What about you, Cami?”
“My products aren’t her shade. She’ll look like a spray tan gone wrong,” Cami laughs, and I roll my eyes.
Her being here is really starting to get on my nerves, and I’ll be keeping an eye on her as much as possible, making damn sure she doesn’t take advantage of anyone.
“Thanks for your help, Camila. Much appreciated,” I say sarcastically, and she gives me a weak thumbs-up.
Cami’s proven herself to be untrustworthy, even if what happened between us was a personal dispute, I have my suspicions that she’s been playing Oliver for a lot longer than I’ve known her.
“Alright ladies, this looks like the place!”
We’re parked at a rundown motel that doesn’t look like it’s been renovated in over a decade. The siding used to be white, but is now splattered with dirt, grass stains and the grounds are littered with trash.
Bushes look untrimmed, and vines have begun to weave in and out of the gutter that hugs the building, climbing toward the roof in an untamed, chaotic fashion that highlights the beauty of nature.
Those vines don’t belong here, but they’ve grown anyway, much like how I feel currently, chasing a man across the country.
“Look, there’s Oliver,” Pepper says softly, urging us out of the car.
“What are we going to do, Pep? Ambush him?” I ask, chasing her as she strides confidently across the parking lot.
Pepper sticks out like a sore thumb against this crappy scenery. Her road trip outfit still looks pristine, like we didn’t spend the last twelve hours or so cooped up in a car.
“Yes, that’s exactly what we’re doing, Fallon,” she says, picking up the pace and waving her hands in the air like a crazy person. “Oliver! Hey!”
Alright, I guess we’re making a scene.
“Pepper? Cami … Fallon … Jesus Christ, what is going on?” He stammers, looking at all three of us like aliens, the cigarette falling out of his mouth.
“Hi! We took a little road trip, figured we’d stop by and say hello.” Pepper pulls him in for a hug, the bewilderment still painted on his face.
“Does uh, Lex know you’re coming?”
“No, silly. That’s what a surprise is. Round up the boys, we have much to discuss,” she commands, and Oliver reacts like an obedient puppy, rushing off and disappearing behind the building.
I look over at Cami, who is cool as a cucumber, sitting with one leg crossed over the other at the picnic table. Her curls blow in the wind over her shoulder, and she props her elbow on the table, resting her head in her hand. I used to love it when she sat like that, the carefree posture igniting a fire inside me, but now, I see someone who couldn’t give a fuck that she just saw the person she’s supposed to be in love with for the first time in months, and I’m instantly filled with fiery rage.
My nerves are shot, and I can barely contain myself, pacing a hole in the grass as I wait for Oliver to come back with the guys. I had a long ride to picture this moment and think of what I wanted to say, but now, I can’t recall a word.
I’m dumbfounded, staring at my feet silently begging the ground to open up and swallow me whole.
Who was I kidding?
I’m not the girl I used to be – the young, naive nineteen-year-old who left home for a better life.
I’m not the fearless person who kisses strangers in diners.
I’m not the cold-hearted woman who stabbed a man to death.
I’m not the survivor who came out of a kidnapping unscathed.
I’m just Fallon, the daughter of an alcoholic who is dangerously close to walking the same path.
I’m just someone who lives with a lot of pain and lost their way.
I’m just a girl trying to take back her power.
“ Bambi! ” I hear in the distance, and my whole world crashes, and is revived within a single second.
One word heals me, then breaks me all over again, and I slowly turn around to face the source, knowing that he’s within reach.
There he is.
His curls are longer, and so is his facial hair, but the man is still the same. He looks tired, like he hasn’t slept in a few days, and I immediately notice a large scar on his forehead.
The warm weather has been good to him, I can see a farmer's tan forming under his sleeves, and his complexion is a bit darker.
He’s as handsome as ever, but I keep my poker face intact, barely looking into his eyes to keep myself from breaking down.
I glance at Pepper, who has wrapped her entire body around Lex’s, and Cami stands with her arms crossed as she listens to Oliver speak.
The rest of the world fades to black as the man who occupies so much space in my mind and heart steps in front of me, his dark eyes looking down into mine.
“Hi, Bambi,” he whispers, reaching out to pull me in for a hug.
“Don’t! Don’t touch me,” I say, taking a step back, and all eyes are on us. “Don’t fucking call me that, either. You lost all right the second you left this on my pillow.”
I yank the gold chain off my neck, balling it into my fist and tossing it on the ground at his feet.
I didn’t expect to be this angry, not right away, but fuck , it feels so good to let my rage out on the person who deserves it.
“I’m sorry, Fallon. I’m … there’s nothing I can say right now to make you understand, or believe me, but you’re here, and I really want to hold you. Just for one second,” he pleads, the tears slipping down his cheeks, and I feel my resolve breaking.
I want to be mad.
I want to kiss him with every single piece of my heart.
I want to strangle him with my bare hands.
I want to hold him.
I nod slightly, and within a breath, his arms are wrapped around me like a cocoon and I’m flown back to a place where he was my home, his arms acting as my safe space.
“I hate to break this little reunion up, but this should be taken indoors,” Max warns, a stern look in his eyes.
Everyone agrees, and suddenly, I’m being shuffled by the crowd, and my mind is so scrambled I don’t know which way is up, down, left, or right. I’m following Oliver, and Ozzy is permanently stuck to my side, his hand hovering over my lower back in a protective, guiding stance.
For the last three months, I’ve wondered where my place in this world was, if not with these people, but right now, I feel more at home than I have in a really long time.
“My room is this way if you want to talk,” Ozzy says as we reach a fork in the sidewalk.
Pepper and Lex immediately run off on their own path, the giggles and excitement almost enough to make me puke. Everyone else breaks away, heading in different directions, and I sigh, knowing this is what I came for, and what I need to do.
“Yeah, we should talk.” I hold my hand out, encouraging him to lead the way.
“I’ve missed you, Fallon, so fucking much,” he confesses as he unlocks the door to his room, holding it open for me, but once I step into the room, I’m overwhelmed by the scent of cat piss.
“You left me , Ozzy.”
“I know, I, I had no choice. It was leave you or lose you. I chose to save your life, and I’ve been working my ass off – we all have – so the three of you wouldn’t be harmed,” he explains, pacing around the room like a caged animal.
I take stock of the space, noticing his lack of personal items, until my eyes land on a bag packed in the corner, surrounded by a couple of sweatshirts and a wave of sickening familiarity washes over me.
I run to the bathroom, dropping my bag and hurling what little I ate into the toilet. The anxiety is relentless today, but this reaction is coming from the cruelty of my memories. His bags were packed similarly before he left, and it seems like he’s still good at that.
“Are you okay?”
His voice makes me jump, and when he rests a gentle hand on my shoulder I lean into it, allowing a small form of intimacy as I wait for more of his explanation.
“Did I mean anything to you, Ozzy? These tattoos meant something to me. The blood oath, too, but you just left in the middle of the night like a fucking coward. You lied to me, you led me on, and worst of all, you fucking broke me ,” I cry, staring at our reflections in the mirror.
I rush to wipe the tears from my face, refusing to show this much emotion so quickly.
He rests his hands on top of mine on the edge of the sink, essentially creating a force field with his body cradling mine, and I lean my head back, resting it gently on his chest as I listen to his breathing.
“Fallon, you are still the center of my universe. I never stopped loving you, or missing you, or regretting every fucking decision I made leading up to this.”
“It’s not enough, though. It’s just … not. Everything you’re saying, seeing you again, is reopening a wound that I’ve barely kept stitched up. The way I loved you was consuming, and I haven’t been able to live without you, it’s destroyed me. And for what? Some twisted sense you had that you needed to protect me? I came here for closure, nothing else,” I tell him, watching as his expression completely breaks in the mirror, staring at me as he falls apart against my back.
His sobs feel heavy as he shakes against my delicate frame, and as much as I want to hold him up, be everything he needs to feel better, I’ve cried alone for too long, and I can’t be his anchor.
I slip from under him, needing air and space. This is so much all at once, and I refuse to let the pain I’ve carried be overshadowed by his big feelings.
“Please, my beautiful girl , let me explain everything, okay? Every detail, every reason, each thought that led to this, and I promise, you’ll understand why I did what I did,” he begs, and I drop onto the bed, unable to think clearly, or form sentences.
“I’m not asking for forgiveness, Fallon. I know you better than you know yourself, and as much as you and I love each other … your wounds won’t heal easily. I’m asking for your understanding, then maybe, you’ll be able to work toward something that resembles healing.”
I look at Ozzy, and every word he says is true, like he’s reading my mind, but I’m torn.
If I listen to his reasons and fall back into his trap, what does that say about me?
On the other hand, if I don’t listen, and instead drop information in his lap and just walk away after, it makes me exactly like him.
As much as he hurt me, what comes around doesn’t always go around, and I pride myself on being bigger than those who’ve caused me pain. I did it for years with my mom, and I will do the same with Ozzy.
I reach for the bottle on his nightstand, understanding his demons go hand-in-hand with mine, and take a big swig before giving him my undivided attention.
“Explain.”
He sits across from me on the bed, reaching for my hand, and reluctantly, I lace my fingers into his, our connection severed, yet undeniable.
He may be the other half of my heart, and hold the keys to everything good left inside me, but I know my worth.
After all the detrimental shit I’ve been through – the trauma, the drinking, the fighting – my body is tired. My will to fight back is non-existent, so I decide to let his explanation be the only thing on my mind and leave the rest at the door, for now.
Ozzy sighs, running his hand through his hair in a signature move that used to bring me to my knees, but my eyes are locked into his, waiting for him to tell me what was so important that nearly broke my will to live to achieve what he was working for.