OZZY
I’ve dreamt about seeing Fallon nearly every night since I left, but having her here in front of me is more than my wildest dreams could’ve conjured.
She’s angry, and rightfully so, but this side of her is different. I don’t know what happened to her while I was gone, but whatever it is, it goes deeper than my absence.
I can sense her hesitation to be near me, like she’s battling an internal war between what she wants, and what she should do.
I’m lucky she’s even open to the idea of listening to me, and I carefully choose the words I want to use, ensuring I don’t scare her off, or worse, piss her off.
I watch as she helps herself to my liquor, letting it go down like water, and my heart hurts. Long gone is the girl with a three-drink-maximum.
I can’t do anything but reach for her hand, squeezing tightly when her fingers lock into mine, and explain everything from the second it all went wrong.
“He knew, Fallon. I don’t know how, but he knew you killed that guard, and wanted revenge. Your life, as retribution, or we leave without you, Pepper, and Cami. I had no choice,” I say, but her expression hardens in a way I didn’t expect.
“Am I that stubborn, or ignorant maybe, where you couldn’t have told me the truth? You lied to me for so long and left me all alone. We could’ve figured something out, Ozzy, or at the very least, had a way to communicate. Unless the terms were to leave me completely destroyed, and wondering what the fuck any of our relationship meant? Were those the fucking terms ?” She yells, her voice breaking and her body shaking as she gets the words out.
“No, those weren’t the terms.”
“I didn’t think so. You’re selfish, with the complex ability to twist things to justify your actions. You know what, Ozzy? This is pointless. You have no idea what I went through, how badly I struggled without you, and the pieces I lost along the way. I’m so angry with you that I can’t …” she trails off, shaking her head and wiping the tears from her eyes.
She’s right.
I could’ve handled this differently, and I regret every second I let pass without letting her know that this was temporary, but admittedly, I was afraid.
Afraid of payback, of losing her forever, and I allowed that to cloud my judgment.
“I’m sorry, Fallon. I let the idea of you getting hurt take control, and I made horrible, irreversible mistakes. I missed you every second, I dreamed of you nonstop, and I struggled, too. You’re still my girl, my Bambi , even if you want to walk away right now. Nobody can replace you, or take the space you occupy within me. Everything I’ve done is for you, and I know you’re mad, and can’t see it, but it’s the honest-to-God truth,” I say, tilting her chin until our eyes meet.
“Where have you been, Ozzy?” She asks, gently stroking my cheek and keeping her dark irises trained on mine.
“I’ll tell you everything, I promise.” I keep my gaze locked into hers until she breaks our eye contact, reaching for the bottle again.
“Habits,” she jokes, tipping it back and swallowing a big gulp before passing it to me.
“We’ve been here for a while, but the next location is Missouri, and we’re leaving the day after tomorrow,” I start, gauging her reaction before recapping the places we’ve occupied.
The mention of leaving triggers her, and I watch as she stands and paces the room, running her hands through her hair.
She walks back toward the bed, pausing at the nightstand, and I know exactly what her eyes land on, what she’s looking at.
My antidepressants.
She carefully reads the label, sighing as she places the little yellow bottle back on the table.
“I almost died. Oliver told the doctors it was a suicide attempt,” I confess, and immediately, her eyes flick to mine.
“Was it?”
“No, but I didn’t care if I died, either,” I tell her, and she reaches for the scar on my forehead.
Her fingers brush the still-tender flesh, and I wince at the feeling of her skin on mine, knowing I don’t deserve her gentle touch.
“Tell me about it,” she says, sitting beside me on the bed and resting her head on my shoulder.
I resist the urge to wrap her in my arms, giving her the space to decide how intimate she wants us to be. I’m leaving everything in her court, and just as I start to feel brave enough to tell her about one of my darkest nights, a knock on my door startles us both.
“Not now!” I yell, but the tapping starts again, and I know it’s Oliver.
“They’re about to leave, we need ten minutes!” He shouts back, and reluctantly, I tread toward the door.
“I know what’s happening, I’ll skip this one,” I say, but Olly shakes his head.
“You can’t do that, and you know it. Besides … this needs to be discussed.” He nods toward Fallon, a serious expression I rarely see plastered on his face, and I know he’s right.
This is a surprise to all of us and comes with possible consequences. We need to get ahead of it, especially with the Missouri trip on the horizon.
“I’ll be right up,” I whisper, and he waves at Fallon before walking away.
“You need to go,” she says softly, looking down at the bedspread and avoiding my eyes.
“Yes, upstairs in Lex’s room. It’s a nightly meeting before we go out on jobs. Will you wait for me, please?” I beg, and she holds her head in her hands, contemplating my request.
“Ozzy …”
“Fallon. Here, order whatever you want, and when I get back, we’ll spend the night talking, if that’s what you want.” I hand her the book of restaurants left on the dresser by the hotel and leave my wallet in her possession – a bargaining chip, yes, but I need her to stay.
I need her to believe me, just this once, because there’s no way she shows up in Alabama and we only have an hour together.
I owe her so much more than that, and I intend to show her that I’m not giving up. Not now, and not back then.
“If you come back,” she whispers, the vulnerability in her voice nearly paralyzing me.
“I will be right back, Bambi. Order us dinner, and I swear, I’m yours as long as you’ll have me, okay?”
“Okay,” she repeats, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. “Don’t leave me again. Not yet.”
My heart shatters at her words, the pure devastation in her voice, but I stay strong and let her regain confidence in me.
“I’ll be right back.” I walk out of the room, dreading every step I’m taking, but I know that our connection can handle this.
She’s here, in Alabama, and as mad as she is – she hasn’t left yet.
That’s the only thing I have to bank on.
This fucking meeting better be quick and straight to the point.
I know the girls being here will complicate shit, but tonight isn’t the time to discuss it. I may not act like I’m in charge anymore, but for Fallon, I’ll fucking assert my power if necessary.
I cannot have her lose all faith in me, not after we’ve come this far.
* * *
This is chaos. Everyone has their own idea of how to handle the girls showing up, and none of them make sense. Max wants them to turn around and go home, which is not a fucking option. Lex, being the good boy he is, thinks we should alert the boss to show a little good faith and honesty.
It’s not the worst idea, but it shows that we have flaws, and can be easily found.
Oliver and Journey are on the fence but think it’s good to have them back. As for me, I just want to go back downstairs and be with my girl, but business is business.
“This can wait until morning. We have routes to run, and being late could mean mistakes. Let’s stick to the routine. Max, Journey, get moving, and we’ll discuss this tomorrow.” I rarely step into the leadership role, seeing as we have a boss, but tonight, it’s necessary to keep the crew operating as a whole.
“Anything else?” Lex asks, looking to speed this up as well.
Nobody speaks up, effectively ending this meeting, and I’m the first out the door, racing downstairs to Fallon.
A part of me is terrified that when I unlock this door, the room will be empty, and she’ll have left.
I slide the keycard into the lock, and relief floods through me when I see Fallon sitting criss-cross applesauce in the middle of the floor, flipping through the restaurant guide.
“Tacos or Chinese?” She asks, pointing at the book as she sweeps the stray hairs from her eyes.
I’m flabbergasted, not only is she choosing something to eat, but she’s not meeting me with anger or sadness.
“Whatever you want,” I say, sitting beside her on the floor.
She looks up at me for the first time, and her eyes are puffy, but a small smile spreads across her face, and I swear, the world stops turning. She’s always been beautiful, but the vulnerability painted across her features only enhances that fact, capturing me into a spell that I’m afraid she’s always had me under.
“Tacos it is, then.”
We’re both quiet, unsure of where to begin, but instead of allowing her to be the first to make a move, I choose to be upfront and direct with her. I have to breach the rage she’s using to guard herself and remind her who I am – who we are.
“Tennessee was the first place we landed. I had a tough time without you, Fallon. I know it’s easier for you to think that I left and was fine, but that’s so fucking far from true. I drank so much that I didn’t care if I woke up,” I explain, and her eyes are trained on me, absorbing every word I say.
God, I’ve missed her.
The unrelenting eye contact has always been a part of our magnetic pull, the foundation of our connection, and no matter how severely divided we are, some things never change.
“Anyway, one night, I was a bottle deep and I don’t remember much … but I ended up in the parking lot. I recall wandering around, looking up at the sky, and I was so upset because the clouds were in the way. I went up to the second floor of the motel, trying to get a better view. The next thing I know, I’m in the hospital.”
“What were you looking for?” She whispers, fidgeting with a pen and notepad, drawing mindless swirls on the page.
“The North Star. You , mostly. Anything to make the pain go away,” I tell her, mustering all the courage I have to confess this to her.
I’m not afraid that she’ll think less of me, or run in the opposite direction, we’re well past that. I’m terrified that once I finish opening up, Fallon will confide in me, and anything she went through will be the straw that breaks my back.
Hearing her pain and imagining it are two different demons, but I know for certain that the second I see her cry, recounting her trauma on account of me, it’ll be the thing that cuts the deepest.
“It was … like I was drunk and high off pain medications. I was loopy, floating through space, except they hadn’t given me anything, and I threw up before coming to. The concussion was so severe, I was knocked out for two days. The third day, when I woke up, they tested me for just about everything under the sun. Brain damage, motor skills, the ability to walk, talk, and feed myself. I wasn’t exactly dead and gone, though, I found a dark space in my subconscious that served as a place of comfort. I wanted to stay, but I knew I had to come back to reality, eventually.” I run my hands through my hair, leaning back until I’m lying flat on the floor, and to my utter surprise, Fallon copies my stance.
“That sounds scary as hell, Ozzy. I might be ready to slice your throat at any second, but I can never imagine losing you … for good,” she says softly, staring up at the ceiling.
“So you’d do something that would kill me, but can’t imagine me dying?” I laugh, and she smacks my chest, attempting to hide her smile.
“I’m the only thing that can seal your death certificate, Oswaldo. I’m your grim reaper,” she says, curling her body toward me until her head is resting on my shoulder.
“I’m okay with that, Bellisima . If my death is at your hands, I’ll die happy,” I whisper, and she immediately retreats, pulling away from me.
“Stop fucking doing that!”
“What? What am I doing, talking to you?” I ask, genuinely confused about what I could’ve done wrong.
“Stop reminding me of us! The people, the couple we were before you left, Ozzy. The Italian, the fucking nicknames … I’ve spent so long trying to get away from those memories. Please, just stop,” she pleads, her voice cracking with each word.
“I’m sorry, it’s easy to fall into old habits with you. I’m not trying to upset you or lure you back with reminders of the past. I promise,” I say softly, returning my gaze to the ceiling.
I understand her hesitancy to return to the things were, or the endearing nicknames, but at the same time, she’s mixing my signals. One second, she’s calling me Oswaldo, my full name only being spoken by one other person in my life, and the next, she’s barking at me for doing the same thing. It’s confusing for us both, but I’m the one groveling here, and I’m doing everything possible to not scare her off. If there’s limits or boundaries between us, I’ll keep my distance until she allows me any closer to her heart.
“Sometimes, I wished I never met you. Those nights when I was fucked up and the dealership was littered with memories of us, I thought, wow , I should’ve run in the opposite direction in that diner. I wished I had missed the first time we kissed, and everything that came after, because you broke every single promise you’d ever made me. You don’t get to win me back with reminders of what we used to be, because I spent so long wishing it never happened,” she explains, and her demeanor has switched from angry, to eerily calm.
Nothing could’ve prepared me for the remnants of the hurricane that’s been churning in Fallon’s mind, and she’s aiming straight for me, hitting me in every place she knows it’ll hurt.
“You don’t mean that, Fallon.”
“I don’t, but it was a lot easier to think of than the alternative. You left me, and I haven’t been the same since,” she says softly, and I fight the urge to pull her into my arms again, the sadness between us feeling like a brick wall. “Do those pills work?”
“What do you mean?” I counter, turning to face her.
“Like, do they get rid of the sadness? Do they make the days more manageable?” She asks, avoiding my eyes.
“Sometimes, yes. Nothing could make me happy without you, though, Fallon. Oliver wanted to be sure I wouldn’t spiral, that’s why he had me put on them,” I explain, but she doesn’t react, staring straight ahead.
“I have something for you,” she says, digging in her bag, but we’re interrupted by a knock on the door.
“It’s the delivery guy, I’ll get it,” I say, keeping her in place on the floor in front of the coffee table.
After months of spending my nights alone, and wishing Fallon was here, this is nothing like I expected.
This isn’t the same girl I left, she’s hardened, and effectively shut me out, but I’m determined to break that armor.
I don’t care what Mr. A. has in store for us, knowing the girls are back, I’ll protect them with my life, and do everything possible to prove to Fallon that I’ll never leave her again.