Chapter 38
Zara
I know this is supposed to be the biggest decision of my life, but I also knew I'd never be able to walk away from this man the second he turned his back and faced the door, ready to hurt men he previously thought of as friends in order to protect me.
I've never had that before, and there's just something about fierce loyalty that makes me all gooey on the inside. I don't want to exist in a world or live a life knowing that's what I could've had if I decided to walk away.
I didn't open my mouth and tell him yes right from the start because I knew I needed to at least try and weigh the pros and cons.
I spent the day staring at the ceiling, trying to come up with enough reasons to walk away from a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
I argued with myself that I fell hard and fast with Billy and look where it landed me, but the comparisons between the two men are vaster than night and day. They don't even compare as far as I'm concerned, so that argument didn't stick for even a second.
I know the life he leads is dangerous, and I'm certain it's even more dangerous than he'll let me believe, but what keeps me safe if I don't stay? I could fall prey to someone at any point. There are no guarantees, no matter how diligent you are. What kind of life would it be to always be looking over my shoulder now that the realization of sex trafficking is hitting so damned close to home?
Leaving isn't an option. I can't even imagine doing it. Just thinking about that as a choice makes my skin grow tight and my breathing become uneven. I know I could never manage it. Even if I walked out of the door, I doubt I'd be able to make it down the mountain before turning back and begging him to keep me.
"You're making me nervous," he says when I take the turn toward his bedroom at the top of the stairs rather than going back to the room he left me in to make my decision.
"You have no reason to be nervous," I assure him.
Once we're in the room, I notice the moment he spots my purse on the bedside table. I'm smiling when he turns his attention fully back to me. His eyes drop to my lips, and despite the exhaustion running rampant in my veins, his attention there causes a nearly uncontrollable yearning inside me.
I have a million things I want to say to him, but I know there are some things he might think he's ready for but really isn't. Idon't want to scare the man off, and if we're talking about being together for a lifetime, then we have plenty of time to ease him into the idea of just how deeply I feel for him.
"I know words are hard for you," I begin, reaching out and taking his other hand so we're facing each other completely.
"They are," he quickly agrees. "But I promise what I can't say, I can show."
I believe him. I also believe that there will come a time when the emotions are too big for him to deal with and he'll want to push me away. He's already done that once, and it left me feeling discarded like trash, and I can't live a life wondering when it'll happen again.
"You told me to think about being together, that it was a lifelong commitment that I would be agreeing to, but I have to ask the same thing of you."
His eyes dart back and forth, searching mine as if he's confused .
"I can't be in your life one minute and the next you tell me to leave."
"You're mine forever," he says as if the declaration makes it true.
"I'd like to be," I tell him with a swallow. "And the only thing that worries me about that is your ability to just shut down and walk away."
"I've come to terms with the idea of you."
I do my best not to huff with exasperation, but I fail.
He holds my hands tighter when I try to pull away.
"I know how that sounds," he says, gripping even tighter on my hands. "I really do, but look at it from my point of view. I've spent my life with the barest minimum of connections. My head is a really scary fucking place, and just being able to confess that to you should tell you the level of trust I have in you. It makes me vulnerable. It's a weakness, just like I thought having connections did, but now I understand that I'm stronger with you by my side. I've had to come to terms with changing who I thought I was to accepting who I am with you. Does that make sense?"
"It makes me sound like a weakness," I mutter, understanding some but not fully wanting to carry that burden.
"You are, aren't you? If someone wanted to hurt me, they could easily do it through you. That's why this branch of the Cerberus organization was supposed to be connection-free. If I had nothing to lose, then no one could control me, but I'm not upset that I found you." He releases one of my hands only to lift his to my face. "I was missing a part of myself, and I found that in you."
Tears spring from my eyes. For a man who doesn't do emotion very well, he seems to be hitting home runs at the moment.
The man may never be able to actually say words I'll want to hear, but I can already feel his devotion in his touch. I lean into his hand on my face, the tears now flowing freely from my eyes.
"I'm not the best at deciphering emotions, so bear with me. Are these good or bad tears?"
I pull in a deep breath when he swipes his thumb over my cheek, attempting to wipe them away.
"I want to stay," I confess.
"Yeah?"
I hate the surprise I hear in his voice, as if he thought I’d be able to walk away. It seems we both have some things to work on as far as showing the other how we feel.
"I don't deserve you," he whispers, his throat working, sadness in his eyes, as if he thinks this is the beginning of some long goodbye.
I shake my head, hands coming up on either side of his face. "Yes, you do. I may not know you well, Pax Hart, but I know you're a good man. We deserve to be happy together."
"It won't always be easy," he warns.
"It hasn't been from the beginning," I remind him. "Yet here we are."
"Here we are," he echoes. "I hope you know what you're getting into with me."
"A life of frustration, annoyance, and irritation because you're stubborn and set in your ways?"
I swear when he laughs it's as if the angels in heaven are playing the music.
"I like that," I tell him. "It sounds good coming from you."
"And it doesn't feel as awkward when you're the one to witness it."
"We'll eventually have to talk about the restrictions I already know will be in place. I don't know how I feel about being supervised all the time."
"Having protection is non-negotiable," he says, his tone as serious as it always is, all hints of laughter quickly fading away.
"We'll see," I tell him because there's no sense in arguing now about a situation that hasn't arisen yet.
"Zara," he growls, warning in his tone, but all I do is smile a little wider until a thought strikes me.
"What happens to me if you grow tired of me and I've heard things and seen things? "
He tilts his head, and confusion is clear in his multicolored eyes.
"We're not the criminal element here, sweetheart."
Sweetheart.
I swear I swoon standing right here with the endearment, but despite being as solid as a rock and as equally unmovable, it doesn't sound foreign or forced coming from him.
"So I'll be safe?"
"I'll always protect you, but I'm not getting into this thinking that it's going to end one day."
"Me either," I tell him with complete honesty.
"I have one more confession," he says, taking a step back, making me wonder if he's managed to get me to fall head over heels for him only to rip the rug right out from under my feet. "I need you. Not only do I crave your closeness, but you also somehow provide me with a sense of calm. I felt that the first moment I walked up to you at the bar. As corny or unbelievable as it might sound, you ease something inside of me that only violence had the ability to silence."
I watch as he struggles with admitting this, and I know he might see it as just another weakness I am to him, and I still don't know how to feel about that. Weren't couples supposed to be stronger together?
"I'm telling you this because there will come a time when no matter if you're angry with me, I'll need you. I'll want my arms around you or I'll need you beside me in bed. I don't feel what most people would describe as normal unless you're around."
I take all of this in, trying my best to understand what he's saying, but the reasoning sounds foreign to me. I know it's just one more aspect of us that I'll need to take some time understanding, but it doesn't change anything for me.
There will be times he needs to hold me in his arms because that's what makes him feel better. Hell, who can't say that about the one they care for? Looking at it that way doesn't seem so strange after all.
"I think I'll be okay with that," I say, giving him yet another smile.
"You're okay with moving in here with me?"
"A ten million square feet house with an indoor swimming pool? Gross. I think we need a place that's better," I tell him with a quick roll of my eyes.
His dimple deepens, but before he can respond, I step into him and wrap my arms all the way around him, leaning my head all the way back so I can look up at him.
"Why don't we seal all of this with a ki—"
His lips are on mine before I can get the last word out.
The sweep of his tongue along mine lights my entire body on fire. Butterflies take flight in my gut, and cold chills race their way from my mouth outward, covering every inch of my body. I've never felt anything like it in my life, and if I had any doubts, this perfect moment would've easily cleared them all away.
His soul speaks to mine much the same way mine does to his.