Chapter Seven #2
“Oh Henley. I can see the pain, the agony, in your eyes. Don’t take this as something you failed at. Take it as an opportunity to fix something important. Give her the safety she craves. She won’t heal until she’s not living in fear of his return.”
“She… she said…”
“She told me. She doesn’t, for one second, think you’re like him.
She was afraid, she was running on adrenaline, and she said something she didn’t believe.
She’s struggling with how to approach that with you.
To apologise. She knows who you are, Henley.
You’re a sweet, decent man, and you’re struggling with this simply because violence isn’t in your nature.
You have a large family of brothers now.
Two whole chapters of the club. They’ll back you in this, they’ll even be your fists, trust me.
You just need to believe in yourself to make this decision. It won’t change who you are.”
“I’d change anything for her.”
Lissa smiled. “Exactly. So here’s what I’d suggest. Take a few moments, get your breathing back to that slow steady pattern, and then pick up your phone. Call Micro, and tell him it’s time. Get this behind both of you, so you can move on.”
Like it’s that easy. Or is it? Do I just do that and it’s done?
“And then?”
“Then I’ll spend time with each of you, to help you through whatever you’re feeling. This isn’t the end of the road for anyone except him.”
Well, when she puts it like that…
Ten minutes later, I listened to a phone ringing in my ear.
“Yo.”
Huh. “Pres?”
“Yeah, man. How’s things? You guys need anything?” See? He made it so easy.
“Yeah. Retribution.”
“FUCK yeah! Let’s do this.”
And apparently that’s how easily I order a person’s death.
Gloria
Ifell asleep in front of the TV, and when I woke up, it was to the smell of something delicious, and a soft voice calling to me.
Nate waved a plate of something under my nose and, as soon as I realised what it was, the word ‘yes’ slipped from my lips, and I sat up, reaching for the plate.
“Whoa, so apparently that’s the best way to wake you up,” he said with a grin, sitting a few seats away from me with his own plate.
He made the best pasta dishes, and I hadn’t had one in years.
The smell instantly took me back to days when we’d hang out from the moment we woke, ‘til we fell asleep on the same damn sofa, a movie still running, and both of us stuffed with pasta and beers.
“I haven’t had this in forever,” I said quietly, twirling the fork in the spaghetti, and staring at it for a second, forcing myself to ignore calories, or the fact that it was carbs, and just eat it.
“I haven’t changed the recipe,” he said with a grin, pointing to the table. There on the table were two dishes. One had the parmesan and the other? Crispy bacon pieces. God yes.
I added a liberal serving of each and moaned with pleasure as I tasted the first bite. He’d gone rogue with his recipes early on, and I’d tried the disasters and the triumphs. This one was definitely my favourite of all.
“It’s really good. Those bacon bits are gold.”
He grinned at me again. “You always did love those.” I had. I’d adored them. I still did, so why did I let one person convince me otherwise?
“Did I overeat back then too?” I asked, genuinely wondering if my own view of myself had been as dysfunctional back then as it had been the last few years.
Nate froze, his fork halfway to his mouth.
“Did you what?” He lowered the fork and set his food aside, resting his hands on his knees, but I could see how hard he was gripping them.
“Babe, is that something he told you? No. God no. You were always beautiful as you were. Always perfect. Whatever he told you, he lied. That’s why you’re so thin, and refusing food. He’s fucking still in your head.”
My mouthful tasted like chalk as I swallowed it, my enjoyment of my food gone, tainted once more by the memory of a man I should have said no to that first time he asked me out.
I’d been so flattered that someone so hot would be interested in me, especially once I realised I’d been overweight and unattractive to so many.
“Glory, you were, and are, perfect. He was wrong. He lied because he’s an asshole.”
I set the plate down, my stomach growling with frustration because, guess what? It was finally getting to eat, and I was stopping yet again. Why was I doing that? Why couldn’t I just keep eating. It felt like a sin, it felt like I was breaking a rule that I didn’t even have to live by anymore.
“You’re done?” Nate looked devastated as he stared at my discarded plate.
“Not… not hungry anymore,” I whispered, feeling the weight of his disappointment piling on top of everything else. I didn’t have capacity for any more pressure on me right now.
“Babe…”
“Please don’t. I’m trying, Nate. I’m… I have years worth of his bullshit in me, and I don’t know how to get it out.”
He moved to the seat beside me, finally not distancing himself but being close enough to touch. Was it because he was afraid of overwhelming me, or was he disgusted by who I’d become? Ashamed? Disappointed? Appalled?
“I’m not trying to add to your burden, babe. I’m here to help. If you want to eat a little at a time ‘til you feel like more, we’ll do that. You just tell me the foods you want to eat, and I’ll get them or make them. My skills are… well, not great, but not terrible.”
“You should be in sales,” I replied, feeling safer with him beside me than I felt when he was out of the room, or just distant emotionally.
“So I’m told. I need to tell you something, but it’s uh… I dunno. Bad? Wrong? Good?”
I frowned at him, wondering what the hell could be confusing him so much about whatever he was about to drop on me.
“Will it hurt me?”
He reached for my hand, hesitated, and then followed through on it, holding my fingers gently.
“I hope not. It’s… we’re going to get rid of him,” he finally said, shaking his head at himself, because we both know he could have worded that better. I wanted to feel something about it. Relief? Fear? I had nothing. I felt cold inside.
“Kill him?”
He scratched his jaw, staring past me, all things that hinted at his evasiveness.
“I mean, eventually… yeah.”
“Eventually?”
He swallowed hard, his fingers tightening on mine, his other hand landing on top of them.
“He needs to suffer.”
He was right. He did need that.
“I need to be there.”
“What the fuck! No!”
I wrenched my fingers from his and glared at him, and it wasn’t shock or frustration he reflected back at me. It looked like relief, recognition. Something about my reaction pleased him, I think.
“You don’t get to decide this for me. Nobody gets to decide but me!”
He nodded slowly. “Are you sure it’s not going to traumatise you further?”
“To see him suffer like I did? To see him expire and be gone forever? God no. I think I need to see that happen, to believe he’s truly gone.”
He nodded again, looking resigned to my decision.
“Okay, but talk it over with Lissa first, yeah? Make sure she knows how to support you through it, because I’m next to useless. I want to help, but I just don’t seem to have whatever it is that calms you right now. Maybe that was never what I gave to you in exchange for your friendship.”
“You do. You don’t see it, but you do. And besides, what you gave me was laughter, and great food, and nights that I still think back on, and remember as being the best times of my life.”
He squeezed his eyes shut as the breath rushed out of him and his fingers tightened on mine.
“Fuck,” he breathed, swallowing hard, “I can’t…”
“Nate, you’ve always been the best thing in my life, I was just blinded by him and it was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”
His breath was even more ragged, his fingers now vice-tight on mine.
“I’m not like him,” he breathed, lowering his head so I couldn’t see him, like he had to hide from me, from his words and their impact.
“I know that. I’m so sorry I said that before. I didn’t mean… I was just at my limit, and it was fear speaking, not me.”
“I’ll never hurt you.”
“I know. You couldn’t.”