Chapter Fifteen
Prospect duty was again something of a relief because it gave me space to think, or it should have. Unfortunately I was on duty with Rocket and Simon, who were both giving their mouths too much of a workout, and it was frying my last nerve.
“My god, do you two ever shut it?!”
They both paused in their non-stop banter and smirked at me.
“Ooooh someone’s got a stick up his ass.”
“Yeah, it’s almost like he’s feeling menstrual or something.”
Jesus. I sighed heavily, moving over to lean on the gate, my favourite fucking place to reflect these days, since I couldn’t even rely on a little ‘bar duty’ to break things up.
“Give us a minute,” I heard Rocket say to Simon, who probably said something snarky back, but I was too busy groaning as loudly as I could to catch his words.
“Alright, what’s going on? You’re acting like a stroppy teenager.”
He leaned on the gate beside me, and I sighed. “You don’t have to do this. Carry on with your shit, I’ll just stay here.”
He snorted, shoving his shoulder against mine, which I wish he’d warned me about first, because I nearly went facefirst into the dirt beside me.
“Fucker!” He grinned, facing me as I fronted at him.
“Go on, man. You know you wanna hit me or something. Get it out of your system. It’s all good.”
It’s not, and telling him was a bad fucking idea, but what choice did I have? I slumped back against the gate, my clenched fists falling to my sides.
“I fucked up, man.”
Rocket’s grin disappeared and he moved up beside me again, his next shoulder nudge a friendly gesture this time, rather than him trying to antagonise me.
“I’m listening.”
Fuck me. I didn’t even want to say it, because every time I remembered it, which was every ten seconds by the way, I wanted to punch myself.
“I kissed her.”
His sharp intake of breath was his only response.
“I know, I know. I fucked up. What the hell do I do now?”
He cleared his throat, waving Simon off as he took a step in our direction to join us.
“Not now, prospect.”
“You’re one too, fuckhead.”
He didn’t join us though, moving over instead to grab a broom and sweep up the dusty rubble from the stack of bricks that had been on the ground. The rebuild was moving on at last, and looking pretty good, for something that was barely knee high yet.
“I don’t know what to do.”
“How did she react? I mean, if she didn’t scream and run, or punch you in your tiny junk and leg it-”
“Dickhead. This is serious. This is my entire fucking life I’m talking about.”
He pouted at me. “I thought we were your entire life. That hurts.”
I pushed away from the gate. “Fine. Don’t help then. I’ll just look for someone who’ll listen and fucking offer something other than snarky asshole behaviour!”
“Whoa.” He was serious now.
“Sorry, man. I was trying to lighten the mood a little. I don’t think you fucked it up. You didn’t say she ran or hid from you, so maybe she’s not as opposed to you as you might think.”
I smoothed my hand over the crappy leather of this damn prospect cut and grimaced.
I couldn’t even stand proud before her as a patched in member.
I was a temporary member in a situation where it could go either way.
I was half in and half out. It was a fucking limbo I hated, especially when I felt like it mirrored my life with her.
Half in and half out. Friends, but wanting more.
Afraid to push her. Afraid to even let on how I felt. Jesus.
“Brother, just take a breath and tell me. I swear I won’t be a jackass this time. Sometimes I don’t know what side of me people want, but I’m trying.”
The poor guy looked devastated, and it wasn’t on him really. It was on me. On my inability to cope with his usual snark while I kept kicking myself for what I did.
“She didn’t run. She didn’t even tell me off. She just said it wasn’t bad but she’s not ready. I mean, what does that even mean?”
He clamped his lips shut, but I saw the twitch of a grin. He was trying, like he said.
“Go on.”
He let the grin escape. “Not bad is a pretty damning review of your first kiss, man.”
“Fuck you.” I asked for that though. I told him to say it, didn’t I?
“Henley, look, can I tell you what I think?”
“You’re going to anyway.”
He laughed, tucking his arms into his pits as he folded them.
“Okay, yeah, I can be a prick here, but oddly I want to be real. Call it me growing or some shit. You’ve loved her forever, and-”
“Not true.”
“-and that’s okay. It’s cute, but it doesn’t mean she feels the same way. She left, man. She picked another guy.” Ouch. Right to the centre of my heart with that sharp blade.
“It doesn’t mean she’s not choosing you now, but she’s healing. She’s dealing with a ton of shit. Take it slow, but let her know you’re open to it. Be there for her, but be fucking clear. If she’s yours, she’s yours. Better she knows that now than later.”
I scratched my jaw, watching as Simon tripped over the broom, and quickly glanced around to see if he’d been spotted as he landed on one knee.
“You started out well, Rocket, but it kinda went to shit there.”
He laughed, slapping one knee as he caught Simon’s attention.
“While you’re down there…”
“Fuck you.” Simon scrambled back up and brushed dust from his jeans.
“Anyway, I think my meaning was bang on, even if my words let me down. You’re into her, and she’s clearly not against being with you, so you know… baby steps it. Dinners, favourite movies, teach her to play darts, take her shooting. Whatever. Just spend time with her.”
Fuck me. He wasn’t exactly wrong. It was all good advice, except that she probably still wanted to take Sean on, and that meant me teaching her to fight.
I’d been holding off, making excuses, but it’d happen.
I wouldn’t leave her defenceless, but helping her learn to defend herself was like encouraging her to put herself in danger. Something I’d do anything to prevent.
I saw Micro crossing the yard to his temporary office, one of those temporary huts they use on building sites, so I headed over there. I didn’t really have anything to say, but I needed a break from Rocket’s savvy gaze, and this was a good excuse.
“Yes, prospect?” I realised I’d stepped into his office without even knocking.
“Shit. I mean, hey Pres, can I have a word?”
“Well, you clearly just let yourself in, so why the hell not.” He gestured to the seat that had previously been in his old office before they reduced it to rubble.
“Sorry. I’m up in my head a bit right now.”
“Coffee?” He had his old machine set up in here, and running from the generator outside. It was a noisy ass way to make a coffee, but I nodded, waiting to speak until we both held drinks.
“Henley, you’re worrying me, brother. What’s going on?”
I avoided his eyes, because I was still trying to work out exactly why I’d even come in here. Running from Rocket wasn’t really a good reason to bug the poor man. He was busy enough.
“I uh… what can I do to shave more time off my sentence?”
He chuckled, and when I finally looked at him, he shook his head.
“You’re doing a couple of months, man. Why’s that such a hardship? I get that you were patched in elsewhere, but Phoenix is different. We don’t want who other groups deem suitable for their club. We need to ascertain who people are for ourselves. That’s how we keep bad seeds out.”
I couldn’t fault their logic, even though I knew it could fail because some people were better at hiding that stuff. Too many people had the ability to show one face to the many, and save the other for a poor defenceless… Jesus, concentrate, man.
“I’m an open book, Pres. Ask me anything.”
He smirked suddenly, and I realised I should have just kept quiet, or not even turned up here.
“Okay. I know you’ve got a houseguest. How’s that going?”
“Fucker.”
“Not a very appropriate response from my prospect who wants me to cut him some slack…”
Glory
Another call with Lenore and a second with Lissa, and I was exhausted. I’d taken to spending my time down in the ‘man cave’ or ‘panic room’ as I preferred to call it. It was easier to have my calls on the big screen, and then to curl up with a movie while I decompressed.
I felt like my days were their own kind of limbo now, which was jarringly similar to how it’d been before I got out.
My limbo then was mired in fear, and attempting to make perfection out of every moment, so I wouldn’t get hurt.
Now, though? Now it was about filling my time while I waited for Henley to get home.
It was still such a struggle to remember to call him that, by the way, but I was determined to make it work. He deserved my efforts.
I hadn’t mentioned that kiss to either of my callers today, and that bothered me. Was I hiding it, or was I simply brushing it off as a one off random thing that didn’t need discussion.
“You’re hiding it, dipshit,” I murmured to myself as I tucked the fleece around me on the sofa.
Truthfully, lounging on the sofa wasn’t my thing, even before the relationship from hell.
I was active. I had a busy social life. Hell, I had a budding career, something I loved doing.
He took it all from me, and I’d relished the chance to not be on 24/7 wife duty, with fear stitched into every action. Now though? I’m bored.
I threw the fleece off, and grabbed my phone, checking the time. Henley said he’d be back around six, and it was almost five. I could do what I’d declared yesterday. Cook dinner.