14. Mébh
“What doyou do if we are ambushed?” Gray grilled me for a third time.
We stood in our Hawaiian tiki-themed hotel room, redressed with items from the gift shop—me in a red sundress with the hotel logo on it, and Gray in khaki shorts and a crisp white button down, also with the hotel logo. He had outright refused the bright-red Hawaiian shirt I had suggested first, and I was glad of it. His shoulders filled out this shirt in a way that should be illegal, and the fabric clung to his chest muscles and biceps, the white making every curve obvious. He was hot as fuck without even trying.
I wanted nothing more than to stay with him, be fully claimed, and help him get his full memory back, but my thoughts soured with worry. I sent a silent prayer up to the Moon Goddess that Gray wasn’t going to leave me behind just as soon as we found my mother. I wanted to meet her, see what she was like, and ask questions like, “Why did you leave me behind?” She clearly had made a life for herself elsewhere since she never returned to the pack. I was assuming she was still alive. It somehow felt like she was. I also felt like if I met her, I would learn who I was supposed to be, who she had wanted me to be.
I didn’t really know where I belonged in this world, but I wanted so much more than my pack friends did. I wasn’t content back at the pack anymore. Being with Gray and traveling these past few days had been the best experience of my life. He wasn’t resisting me anymore, thank the gods, but he was still holding himself back, like how he shifted for me but refused to let me touch him. My Wolf had been going crazy within me. I had ached to be nearer to him. She wanted us to run and for him to chase her down and claim us. Dark fantasies of being claimed in the dirt on the full moon ran rampant through my mind. But fear niggled at me. Gray was still on the fence, not putting two feet in yet, keeping an escape available. Why?
Gray’s stormy-gray eyes bore into mine and I was abruptly brought back to the present. We were about to mist into the Hell dimension and meet with Lucifer to find out what he knew about my mother’s whereabouts. Gray had messaged Felix back, and the demon replied with instructions on where to meet him. Before we could go, Gray was making extra sure I knew the plan if we were attacked at any point.
“I need to stay close enough to you so we can mist away,” I recited. “But all bets are off if my Wolf takes over,” I added for a third time.
“Good, and she won’t,” he replied, much more confidently than I felt. “Let her aid you if you need to fight, though.” At my responding nod, he held out his arm for me. “Let’s go.”
I placed my hand on his biceps, appreciating the excuse to touch it. The world around us dissolved into blackness as he misted us away.
The scent of burning flesh met my nose before the blackness even cleared from my vision. The stench was so vile, I nearly retched. The visual that came into focus was one I would remember for the rest of my immortal life.
A great metal cage stood before us, full of naked, writhing, screaming bodies—souls that were in a humanoid shape. A pit of fire was beneath it, incessantly burning those within. There was a row at the bottom of the cage holding singular beings who were all burned black beyond recognition, suffering the worst of the flames. A soul couldn’t die, but it could suffer in torment, clearly. Goat-horned demons of varying sizes circled the edges, all wearing black robes. Some stoked the flames, some added wood to the blaze, and some just walked around taunting those burning within while “guarding” the scene.
Dante’s inferno stood before me.
This was truly Hell.
Gray explained from our hiding spot behind a large tree, “Damned souls, mortal and immortal alike, are sent here to pay for their sins. These beings deserve this, I promise.” He was studying the shocked look on my face with concern.
“As a pagan, I’ve been taught death is more like a journey to a new life. I didn’t think you were punished for every little bad thing you did?”
“It’s not quite like that. Most of the time, the afterlife is a journey to heaven or paradise. The beings forced to stay here as punishment didn’t do little sins, they did big earth-changing types of bad things.”
“Do they burn here forever?” I asked curiously, feeling less bad for those I was watching suffer if they acted that terrible in life.
“Not forever, just until their punishment has been served,” he assured me. “Time varies based on the severity of the sins committed.”
I stared at the cage full of tormented souls, still unable to look away. One soul reached out through the bars, screaming helplessly. One of the demons raking the fire nearby prodded him with the fire rake, leaving black burn marks on the skin of the being’s abdomen, joining many mottled scars and previous burn marks. Even for a murderer or something, this seemed extreme.
Gray steered me away, but in my mind, I just kept seeing the torment on all the beings’ faces who were trapped in that cage for good reason. I was lost completely in my thoughts until Gray halted us. We were in a forest of sorts, but the colors were off, the foliage more blue than green, and flickers of orange shone through the trees where the fire under the cage could be seen even at a distance. The scent of burning flesh still permeated the air, and it was all I could do not to gag.
“The air will be clearer when we reach my prince’s castle.” Felix stepped out of the shadows, revealing his short stature. He wore casual human attire: torn jeans and a T-shirt that said, “I simp for Satan.” I couldn’t help but grin at that. “Glad you made it so quickly. He will be pleased.”
“What’s this meeting really about, Felix?” Gray demanded, folding his arms over his broad chest as his brows furrowed. “I just asked if the werewolf was alive or dead. Why is Lucifer now a part of this?”
“That’s my fault.” The short demon’s shoulders rounded down as he hung his head. “Usually, I am very good at what I do. Spying is my gift, but he caught me snooping in his library anyway. I can’t lie to my prince. He heard it was you who was seeking the information and requested a meeting. It’s out of my hands now.” He gestured with palms up. “I am simply to deliver you both to him.”
“So you don’t know if Mhari McKay still lives?” Gray snapped.
Felix shook his head. “I am afraid not.”
Gray huffed in annoyance. “Alright, fine. He’s not going to hand us over to Nicodemus, is he?”
Felix shrugged cryptically. “Just the messenger, remember? This way.” He pointed to the right, turned in that direction, and began walking.
Gray paused a moment before he took my hand and followed. His eyes were silver, indicating he was using his spy gift. “Lucifer didn’t tell Felix anything on purpose,” he whispered in my ear. “He knows about my gift. He knew I would read Felix’s mind for the information we need and bail on the meeting.”
“So let’s just meet with him and see what he has to say.”
“Then stay attached to me in case we need to mist away immediately,” he growled.
I gave his hand a squeeze, indicating I wasn’t letting go. It would be he who would break the hold, and it hit me how metaphorical that was to our matehood. I was all in—it was him breaking away.
Felix led us through the discolored blue trees and a great stone castle with many turrets slowly came into view. He escorted us through the open drawbridge and into the main keep. We earned plenty of stares from every demon we passed, especially the ones working inside the various buildings within the castle’s outer defensive walls. All demons in this dimension seemed to have varying sizes of goat horns.
The keep was highly decorated with carved stone everywhere, painted walls, sparkling stone under foot, and grand candelabra fixtures hanging from the ceilings. It looked like something out of a gothic Victorian castle revival project.
Felix led us through an empty throne room with vaulted, decorated ceilings and a massive black-stone throne, then to a back staircase. We climbed up the stone spiral steps in one of the turrets and entered a large two-story library full of books. Shelves covered every wall, and judging by sight and smell, they were completely packed with old, dusty, leather-bound tomes. Animal fur rugs decorated the floor. There was a large carved wooden table toward the further end of the room. Various books were strewn across it in stacks. At one end, a hulking male stood pouring over the pages of an old tome, and suddenly I felt the strength of his power wash over me. This rivaled Gray’s. He wore a dark-blue button down, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and black dress pants. Behind him, massive bat wings were folded. This had to be Lucifer, the Prince of Hell.
Without looking up, Lucifer spoke to Felix. “Ah, Felix, thank you for arranging this meeting and bringing my guests here. Your trespassing has been forgiven.”
That was why Felix had insisted on this meeting. It was required to erase his error in getting caught.
The short demon bowed, though Lucifer was not even looking at him. “Thank you, my prince.” He shot Gray a look that said “good luck” before he turned on his heel and left the room, clattering back down the spiral staircase.
When the sound of Felix’s departing steps died down, Lucifer finally straightened up, turned in our direction and addressed us. “Ah, Grayson, I welcome you to Hell. Thank you for coming on such short notice.”
He had the biggest set of goat-like horns on steroids protruding from his forehead that I had ever seen. Each one was probably two feet long on top of his already over six-and-a-half-foot frame. He had hair that was black as night and hung to his shoulders, a long face, dark eyes, and a bit of an oversized nose. His folded wings were taller than him, and the bottoms of them just grazed the floor. The wingspan would be huge when unfurled. The Prince of Hell had somehow retained wings, even if they were bat-like, not white plumes now.
“My name is just Gray, not Grayson,” Gray snapped, correcting him.
Lucifer raised his eyebrows. “Sure it is.” Then he turned his dark eyes on me. “And who is this beautiful werewolf you have with you?”
Gray simply growled. Tension and possession rolled off him.
I loved it, but I didn’t want to be rude.
“Mébh MacPherson,” I introduced myself, ignoring Gray’s overprotectiveness and stuck out the hand not encased in Gray’s.
Lucifer took it, dwarfing my little paw in his massive one. “Lucifer Morningstar, at your service, Miss Mébh.” He smiled, showing perfect white teeth.
However I had pictured the devil, this was not it. Lucifer was nothing but polite and cordial. This seemed like a pleasant meeting, not a fight for our life. There were no weapons out. I didn’t understand what Gray had been so worried about.
“If I am to understand Felix correctly, you want to know if your mother, Mhari McKay, is alive or dead?” He cocked his head, studying me as he steepled his fingers in front of him.
“Yes. I want to know what happened to her.”
“Are you prepared for the answer either way?”
That gave me pause. Was I ready to accept knowing if she was truly alive and had stayed out of my life all this time, or she was dead all along and her running was for nothing?
I had to be.
This was it. After all these years of harboring resentment and anger, it was time to learn the truth.
I nodded, hoping I appeared more confident than I felt.
Lucifer turned back to the table and hoisted the book he had been poring over into his hands. It was old, but not as old as the majority of the books on the shelves. The leather was still supple and not cracked with age.
“Do you know what my books contain, Mébh?” he asked, glancing up at me from the page.
I scanned the shelves nearest to us as if looking for the answer to be written there, or at least for some other visual clue. “No,” I replied honestly.
He traced a finger down the page, searching. “Every creature that has ever been born, mortal or immortal, is listed in a book here in my library. A new one is created every year as offspring are born. Sins are magically tallied from day one. This is how I know how long each creature sent to me should be punished based on their misdeeds in life.”
“So every being is listed here? I am too?”
“Yes, but worry not”—he grinned—“you’ve no blemishes on your record thus far.”
I shouldn’t have been as relieved to hear that as I was.
“What about Gray? Are demons listed?”
Gray stiffened beside me.
Lucifer glanced toward a shelf of red leather-bound books, all much, much older than anything else here. “Yes, Gray is listed, as are all angels and demons. We do possess souls, after all.”
“What about Gray’s record?”
Lucifer tilted his head from side to side while pursing his lips. “Well, let’s just say it’s not as clean as yours.”
Gray snorted.
He didn’t seem the least bit threatened by what Lucifer was saying about his sin record. “Aren’t you worried?” I asked him, aghast.
He shrugged. “I already knew my soul was tarnished—if it even still exists.”
I gaped at him. He had killed before, but taking Lethe out surely was more of an act of self-defense, and fighting in armies was different, right? It wasn’t just about a body count; it seemed like it involved much larger bad things. But he had a soul. He had to if we were fated mates; we were two halves of the same soul supposedly.
Lucifer drew our attention, distracting me, by clearing his throat as he looked down at the book in his hands. “Would you like to know about Mhari?”
My stomach felt like worms were trying to escape it. I held my breath and nodded.
“Mhari Mébh McKay.” Wait, her middle name was my first? I never knew that. “Deceased.”
I stared, trying to take in those words and understand them. “She’s dead?” I repeated in a whisper, not wanting to believe what I had heard.
Suddenly the world was spinning, and I felt like I was floating as my world came crashing down all around me. This was different from when I’d lost my cell phone, or the many times I had lost control of my Wolf when my fight-or-flight mode kicked in. This was unbridled rage and sadness and grief all rolled into one.
When I came to, I was lying on the bearskin rug in the middle of the library, cradled in Gray’s arms—he had to have scooped me up when my legs gave out.
“Hey, listen to me. It’s okay,” he said calmly and brushed my hair away from my face.
Nothing about this was fine, and I snapped, unable to contain the rage. I pushed away from Gray, out of his arms. I didn’t want to be coddled. I wanted to break things. I needed to destroy. My Wolf gave a sorrowful howl and pushed against her confines. My claws and fangs began growing in. “It’s not fair! She can’t be dead!”
“I am sorry, Mébh, princess. It’s going to be alright,” Gray said.
“No, it won’t be alright!” I screamed. “I will never know her now. Never meet her. I had so many questions!”
I grabbed at my hair and started pulling, needing to feel something besides the pain inside. Pain outside gave me focus as my emotions spiraled out of control.
Gray gently grasped my wrists and tried to keep me from hurting myself. Soon we were practically wrestling as we grappled. I hated being confined, and so did my Wolf. I growled at him in warning as we tussled.
“If you need violence, then rage at me. Don’t hurt yourself.”
“Careful what you wish for!” I shouted as I launched myself at him, claws first. He fought off my advance easily, being so much stronger, and wound up pinning me quickly on the floor.
I bucked and struggled under him, to no avail. “Let me go!” I yelled furiously.
“No. Tell me what you’re feeling.”
I growled. “I needed to meet my mother. She can’t be dead, she just can’t. I thought it would fix me, like the rages would go away forever, but they won’t because she’s dead and it’s not fair!” A sob broke from my chest.
“You can control your Wolf. Your mother being alive or dead has nothing to do with your abilities, Mébh.”
“I don’t believe that!”
“You don’t have to believe it, but it’s a fact. You are the strength behind your Wolf, no one else.”
He usually went toe to toe with me when I started yelling, but not so much now. He was calm and collected and comforting. All things I’d never been able to feel when I got enraged. Usually, I wanted to stay in the rage state and found every excuse to keep myself there. Now I just felt tired of the incessant fight as he held me down. I stopped struggling and lay there panting. Slowly he was able to ease back and allow me to sit up as I calmed—a true first for me. Maybe he wasn’t wrong, and I did have my rage under better control.
“I am truly sorry for your loss, Miss Mébh,” Lucifer softly intoned.
I looked up at him, my eyes still full of tears. “So is she here in Hell being punished in that cage?”
The Prince of Hell immediately shook his head. “No, no. She’s got no outstanding sins marring her soul. She was never here. She is at peace in heaven.”
Relief flowed over me; I was thankful my mother wasn’t being perpetually tormented. “At least she is at peace,” I said and then wiped my tears away with the back of my hand. “But I am no closer to finding out what happened to her or why she left me and the pack in the first place,” I lamented, unsure where this search for information went from here. “Does it say when she died?”
“It does, but I believe I have someone here who may have insight into what happened.”
I was taken aback. “Who would be in Hell who would know what happened to her?”
Lucifer turned on his heel and went to a specific bookshelf, pulling another tome down. He opened it and began searching. I glanced at Gray, who gave me an encouraging nod as he wrapped his hand around mine again and squeezed it, making my heart leap in my chest.
A few moments later, Lucifer exclaimed, “Ah! Here we go.” He put the book down on the table and turned back to the two of us. “Are you ready?”
“Ready for what?” I spluttered in utter confusion.
“I am going to call him up from the cage.”
“Wait, you can do that? And who are you bringing up?” I asked in alarm.
“What are you doing, Lucifer?” Gray asked at the exact same time as me.
There was a commotion with both of us talking, while Lucifer seemed to be paying no attention. He was stretching his hands, bending his fingers back, as if preparing to do some serious magic. I’d seen Madelyn do something similar.
Lucifer threw out his hands in front of him and power rippled through the air. A disk of light appeared on the floor between us and him. His words were laced with power. “I call on Lucas Malcolm MacAllistor.”
A shape appeared, lying in the disk of light, and the stench of burning flesh filled the room. A male I’d prayed to the Moon Goddess to never see again, my previous Alpha, Luke, lay before me.
I barely resisted the urge to go to my knees and cock my head to the side to show full submission—something this cruel male had required of all his pack members. It was a habit from a lifetime of painful lessons in not giving Luke exactly what he wanted. It was only the fact that his body was burned nearly beyond recognition, and he lay on the ground unable to rise, that I managed to hold off. He didn’t look like the jerk of an Alpha now. His wavy brown hair was nearly all singed off, and he lay in the fetal position, yet just seeing him brought so many terrible memories screaming back. Times of utter powerlessness watching Molly get beaten for no good reason and his constant criticism of my lack of control over my Wolf.
Slowly the black-and-red burns began healing. It was gradual, but the fact that you could see the healing taking place was a testament to how quickly the soul healed, only to be burned and tormented more. If any soul deserved that, it was him for all the pain he caused his own pack.
He finally came to, and he let out a warble of pain. He then pulled his head up and looked around. “The fuck’s going on?” he snarled out, completely disoriented.
Lucifer knelt in front of him. “You’ve been given a moment of reprieve from your punishment. We have some questions for you.” He gestured to Gray and me behind him on the other side of the room.
Luke followed Lucifer’s gesture and his black eyes landed on me. Recognition sparked and his pinched face cracked into an ugly grin as he struggled to stand up. “Little Mébhy.”
Gray pushed me behind him in a blink, snarling at Luke.
“He can’t leave the circle of light,” Lucifer reassured us as he straightened up, but Gray held his position, guarding me nonetheless.
“A demon, Mébh?” he questioned with keen eyes. “You don’t bear his mark. Is he your fated mate?”
I snarled at him, hating how he could cut to deep emotions so easily with simple questions.
“What do you know about my mother?” I growled from around Gray’s looming form.
“Ah, Mhari,” he said, something sinister sparking in his black orbs. “You and she were very similar. She was a back-talking spitfire. A wild card from day one. But never a liability like you were with your Wolf.”
I bared my teeth. A liability. That’s all I ever was to him, but damn it if I wasn’t trying to change and learn to control myself, and by extension, my Wolf. He never cared to coach me like Gray has; he only ever yelled, which made things ten times worse. “Do you know what happened to her after I was born and she left the pack?” I demanded, ignoring his jabs.
My previous Alpha’s eyes flashed gold, and I had a terrible feeling in my gut. What did he know?
“Have you ever asked your sister?”
“Of course I’ve asked her!” I thundered back. My Wolf was stirring in my extreme anger. What did Molly have to do with it?
“She’s the reason your mother left.”
That could not be right. Molly had never said anything like that. Why would she be responsible?
“She can’t be the reason Mhari ended up dead. Stop messing with Mébh’s head. What do you know?” Gray snarled around sharpening teeth and fangs. His horns were beginning to straighten as well.
Lucifer threw out his wings on either side of him dramatically and launched himself at Luke. The Prince of Hell grasped the werewolf by the throat and dragged him until his feet dangled. “Answer the damned question or it’s back to the fire now.”
Real fear sparked in Luke’s eyes as he struggled in Lucifer’s grasp, suspended in the air. “F-fine,” he gasped while turning purple.
Lucifer dropped him in a heap on the floor, still within the light circle, and Luke grasped his throat as he struggled to get back up.
“What happened to my mother?” I asked.
“She was never happy in the pack,” he spit out vehemently. “No matter what I did, she was always trying to escape. I caught her sneaking off pack land so many times. I thought by forcing her to marry it would curb her behavior, that her husband would put a stop to her nonsense. She even had you, and I thought we were home free. But shortly after you were born, she started sneaking out again, leaving you with Molly. I had no idea, since your father kept it from me until she just never came back one time.” His face contorted in anger, lost in the memory. “Nobody in my pack was allowed to leave. When I tracked her down two days later, I found her with a small rogue werewolf pack. Her fated mate was among them, but since I’d forced her and your father to mark one another, she could never be whole with her mate—the second bite would poison her.” He cackled, a manic glint in his eye.
I gasped.
My mother had been lucky enough to find her fated mate, despite the pack not even knowing mates were real. She had even chosen to be with her mate without the ability to complete the matebond. I couldn’t say it didn’t still hurt that she hadn’t taken me with her. She’d chosen her fated mate and a new—but unfortunately short—life over me. Then again, maybe she knew Luke wouldn’t let her go without a fight. In leaving me behind, she did the safest thing for me.
Luke was grinning wickedly. Nobody was allowed to leave the pack. He made sure that rule was beaten into all our heads, and it was a shock he hadn’t used Mhari’s story as another warning to all. He clearly didn’t want to admit she found her mate—matehood was a fairytale in Luke’s pack. I had a terrible feeling about where this story ended. “What did you do after you found her?”
“I killed her.”
“What?” I yelled, hoping I had heard him wrong.
“I killed her and her mate, and their little commune of rogues,” Luke stated proudly.
I knew Luke had been a crappy Alpha, a sadistic, power-hungry leader, but he had killed his own pack member for leaving, and the entire pack that took her in? It was all the more reason for him to be burning in Hell.
I snarled and tried to get around Gray to get to the fucker who killed my mother, but my demon caught me around the middle and hauled me back.
Luke cackled again, the sound sending my Wolf near feral.
I struggled against Gray’s hold. “Let me go!”
“He is already dead and being punished.”
“That’s not good enough!” I bellowed.
For years, I had prayed that my mother would someday return. At least she hadn’t died a lone wolf somewhere in the wilderness, but with her mate. I couldn’t believe I had followed that fucker’s rules all my life, that I had listened to his constant lies. All this time, he damn-well knew he killed her, and he looked me in the eye without remorse.
Lucifer sprang into action, swooping ominously down on Luke again, wings spread dramatically to each side. He once again grabbed Luke up by the neck. The Prince of Hell snarled, and from his hand, tendrils of flames worked their way around my previous Alpha’s body as he screamed in pain and writhed, trying to get free. The flames sunk into him, and the fresh smell of burning flesh permeated the air. Luke thrashed and yelled harder still. His feet kicked lamely, struggling to find purchase as his hands grappled with Lucifer’s thick arm. The flames consumed Luke’s body until his scream was abruptly cut off. His body went limp and then it seemed to explode into light. The circle on the floor glowed orange and blinked out of sight, and my previous Alpha was sent back to the cage to continue his—hopefully—very long punishment.