Chapter 3
CHAPTER 3
A delaide’s breath caught in her throat at Michael’s question.
She would never admit to him how much she enjoyed watching him watch their daughter. He was enraptured by Mabel as much as Adelaide was every time she looked at her.
Why hadn’t she expected that? Maybe because she had never seen a man look at a baby that way.
It wasn’t expected, especially among the nobility. From what she knew, most of them threw the baby to the governess and never looked upon them again until they became adults.
But Michael… he seemed different.
He had been during their time together; that much was certain. When she first met him, he was the charming rogue who loved every woman, and every woman loved him. He had impulsively asked her to marry him, to move into his house, and to be his wife. She had declined the latter, but she had seen how once he devoted himself to something, he was all in without hesitation.
But it didn’t change anything.
His question caught her unaware, and she knew he must have sensed her shock when his shoulders dropped and his chin lowered to his chest.
“Never mind,” he muttered. “I?—”
“Michael,” she said softly. She knew she couldn’t tell him the truth but didn’t want him to think he was lacking.
What had panicked her the most was that she wanted to say yes. At that moment, she forgot why she should say no to his proposal of them becoming a family, moving back into his house, and spending every day – and night – with him. Thankfully, reason intervened before she said something she couldn’t take back.
“Michael, it is not because of you that I can’t. There are so many more reasons.”
“Which are?” he asked, his eyes pleading with her even as he kept his tone steady and even. “Why can you not? I would give you everything you ever asked for.”
“I know,” she said quietly. “But you could not give me what I truly long for. My freedom.”
“Freedom from what?”
“Freedom to do as I choose to do. To make my way forward. To own the inn that I have always wanted.”
“You want to own an inn?” he said, blinking, and she wasn’t sure if it was her fault or his that they had lived together for six months and never discussed it.
“Yes,” she said confidently. “In the town where I was raised. There is an inn there, and the owner wants to retire. I want to take over the inn, renovate it, and open it again. I have very small savings from before, and I will work hard to hopefully save enough to convince him when it is time. We have written letters, and he is even open to me slowly buying it from him.”
“Where… where would that be?” he asked, nearly gasping for air.
“Tunbridge Wells.”
“Tunbridge Wells?” he repeated, his voice rising. “A beautiful place, to be sure, but that… that is… why, that is a half day’s ride from here.”
“It is.”
“I imagined you would be close to me… even if you were not with me.”
“It is not truly that far,” she attempted, even as she saw the heartbreak on his face, her own nearly caving at it.
“I could move with you,” he said, shrugging as though it was nothing of consequence. “If you would have me.”
“It is not just that, Michael,” she said, coming to sit beside him. “It is so much more.”
How could she tell him that her family’s past – and perhaps present – would only bring about his downfall? She knew exactly what he would do. He would vow to fix it – or get his brother to fix it.
His family had already done enough for her. She wasn’t going to burden them with this, too.
They could have overcome that. But that wasn’t even the true reason she had left.
“Tell me,” he said, looking up at her suppliantly. “Please.”
“Very well,” she said, looking down at her hands. “I wanted to marry you after Mabel came. I did. And that was selfish of me.”
“How—”
She looked up at him, eyeing him, and he nodded, silently agreeing to allow her to finish.
“The night we both went to Dot’s charity event, you spent so much time with me, watching over me, ensuring I was well, happy, and, enjoying myself. You were concerned, and I appreciated that. But then I would see you when you were talking to someone else. You were happy. You laughed. You were enjoying yourself. You were charming women – not in a flirtatious manner, at least not to you, but I could see how they enjoyed your company and how better they would be with you than I ever could. You were the man you had been the night we met, the man that somehow became lost when I came to live with you.
“You are not who you were meant to be when you are with me, Michael. I know you enjoy the idea of family and feel obligated to Mabel and me. I am not so proud that I will not accept any help for her, and I will not keep her from seeing you as long as…” her voice threatened to break, but she swallowed it and continued, “as long as you promise not to try to take her from me.”
“I would never,” he said so fiercely that she had no choice but to believe him.
“Thank you,” she whispered. “But to marry you would be doing us both a disservice. Especially you.”
“Adelaide, you do not understand. That night, I was concerned that you wouldn’t feel welcome at the charity event.”
“I understand that, and you’re right. I wasn’t welcomed there. I could feel the stares upon me, could hear the whispers. I couldn’t be myself either because to be myself would mean that I would not be welcomed at any event ever again. Not that I’ll be going to any more. I only attended that one because I appreciate all Dot has done for me and all that she was doing for other women like me with her charity. I know it is easy for you to romanticize the life we could have together. But you must understand what different worlds we come from and that I do not fit into yours. I was raised by a single mother in a small one-room cottage in a town far from London. We only came to the city once she married, and our living accommodations worsened. They might have been slightly bigger but were shared and not nearly as clean. I am not complaining about my upbringing – most of it was wonderful, for I didn’t know any better, and my mother was loving and did all she could for me. I was even educated with the innkeepers daughter. But it was worlds away from the manors, schools, and ballrooms where you are from, Michael. I’ve said I don’t fit in your world, but I don’t want to fit. I hate the pretension, the whispers. I am strong enough to withstand it, but the truth is, I do not want to. We don’t work together, Michael. And the sooner you accept that, the better.”
He stared at her, the pain in his eyes matching that in her heart.
But it would only get worse if they continued this. She knew that now.
He took a few tries to clear his throat before addressing her.
“Would you… at least allow me to find you somewhere to live? To pay for your accommodations?”
She bit her lip.
“You mean you would ask Edward to pay for them?”
“Well, any money I have is family money, so I suppose you could say it’s from Edward, who holds the title. But I do have my own trust.”
She could tell she had hurt him by saying that, but she didn’t want to take any more from his brother.
“I would accept a very – and I mean very – small amount to take care of some of Mabel’s needs. But we have accommodation. Thank you for the offer, however.”
He nodded, and they sat there in silence together.
“Would you allow me to visit you?”
“Men are not allowed where I live,” she said, even though she was likely revealing where she was staying. But unlike with Jack, she did not fear sharing her living situation with Michael. He was no threat to her, and despite everything, she knew that he only had her best interests at heart and would never threaten or hurt her intentionally.
“I see,” he said. “Well, know that you are welcome here anytime. And if you need someone to look after Mabel, I am happy to do so.”
“Dot has offered as well,” she said, looking down in her lap. She had never heard of a nobleman who would watch one of his children alone. But then, Michael was not most noblemen.
“Whatever you decide,” he said, unable to look her in the eye. “I trust that you know what is best.”
His trust in her nearly broke her. But she had to do what was best for all of them. Her, Michael, and, more than any other, Mabel.
“Adelaide.”
She jumped at her name being called from out of the shadows and turned around swiftly, her hand on the door to return inside to Matts’ tavern when her cloak was grabbed from behind.
“It’s just me.”
She wished that would ease her concern, but Jack’s presence only did the opposite – so different from her visit with Michael that very morning.
“I told you to leave me be,” she demanded, turning toward him with fire in her soul. She had enough to be concerned about without Jack and his problems. “I have a life for myself here, Jack. You can find someone else to serve your patrons.”
“They like your smiles best,” he said, attempting a smile of his own, but with his beard so unkempt and ungainly, it came across much more sinister instead.
“There are many women with many beautiful smiles,” she said. “Carry on, Jack. I have to go.”
Mabel would be waiting for her.
“Just a minute,” he said, pointing his finger toward her chest. “I need your help with something.”
“I cannot help you with anything.”
“I need you to use your connections for an introduction.”
“Connections? I don’t have any connections, Jack!” she exclaimed, lifting her hands. “Look around you. I’m in Bloomsbury. Not too far from Shoreditch.”
“Yes, but you have that nobleman you visit in Mayfair. Who you lived with. Are you his mistress? Last I saw him, his brother was visiting me, trying to pay me off to take care of you and the baby that you say you don’t have. But I know you visited him, Adelaide. Don’t try to pretend.”
“Are you following me?” she asked, aghast.
“No,” he said before pausing with a chuckle, his face shadowy in the dim light. “Well, not me in particular.”
“I will say it again,” she said, lifting a finger and stepping toward him. “Leave. Me. Alone.”
“Or else, what?” he said, laughing mockingly. “You have nothing to threaten me with, Adelaide. Nothing to hold over me.”
“I know you are involved in something, Jack,” she said threateningly. “I can tell the authorities.”
“You would come down with me, Adelaide,” he sneered. “I could easily convince them that you were involved. How could you know nothing, living and working in the tavern for years?”
She opened her mouth and closed it as fury overwhelmed her. How dare he?
“I do not know anything. And I will not help you.”
He continued as if she hadn’t said anything. “All you have to do is go speak to your… friend and ask him to take this message to Lord Gregory. I tried to deliver the message myself, but this needs to go directly into his hands. I can’t take the chance of a servant opening it, and no one would allow me to see him.”
“Shocking.”
“Anyway. Be sure your nob doesn’t open it, or he will also be implicated in this.”
“And if I refuse?”
“Then all will learn that you were not the daughter of a widowed woman and her poor, killed soldier, but instead of a whore and a nobleman. They’ll believe you planned your child as your mother did.”
“Do not speak of my mother that way,” she said, her hands balled into fists at her side, as she wished she could reach out and slap him but knew from experience how badly that would end for her.
“I don’t care if the truth comes out, but your friend Mr. Redgrave and his brother might. Not sure if they would still support you and your daughter – oh yes, I know about the baby, Adelaide – if they knew where you came from. Would you want Mr. Redgrave to know about how one noble family has already rejected you? Then again, perhaps you could get lucky, and this could be one nobleman you could extort.”
Adelaide hated how he used everything good in her life and made it sound so awful. She wanted nothing to do with this or with him, and she didn’t care about her secret coming out. What did it matter? She was scandalous enough.
But she didn’t want to see Michael’s family drawn into further scandal. Support for their endeavor was already somewhat rocky as unwed mothers were not exactly looked upon with much sympathy, but what if word arose that Michael was involved with a woman with such a past? They might lose any support that they did have.
There was only one thing she could do. One that she knew she would likely regret in the future.
She held out her hand.
“Very well,” she said. “Give me the note.”