Chapter 23
“Awanton?” Rowan asked incredulously. “And you believed him?”
It was the morning after Cassian had seen the changes to his home, and though he loved them, he knew he needed time to adjust. Hiding away in his untouched study with his friend helped immensely.
“Of course, I do not believe him. That man is an idiot, and seeing how he has everyone fooled, I have to question their intelligence too.”
“But these are very serious accusations. I shall gladly believe your wife’s innocence, but you seem less convinced.”
It was true. As much as Cassian claimed that he did not understand why the ton was so easily fooled by Hargrave’s act, he had to admit the man was convincing.
According to Hargrave, Adelaide had been the perfect lady, accomplished and beautiful and kind, and he had fallen for her quickly. They were the most respected couple in London, and all was well until he proposed.
“From there,” Cassian continued, “Hargrave alleges that everything changed. She knew that his reputation would be harmed if he called off the engagement, so she took it to mean that she could do as she pleased. She forbade him from looking at other ladies, she accused him of deception constantly, and she insisted on receiving a gift every day.”
“That does not sound like your wife.”
“It does not. He also claimed that one day he went to tell her that they had to postpone the wedding, for his mother’s health was declining, and in return she lashed out at him, scratching his face.”
“That truly does not sound like her.”
“Which is what I thought, though I managed to hold my tongue. There was nothing to be gained in punching the man for such accusations after all, not when he had already tried to make a case against me.”
Rowan laughed, and they both drank.
Cassian sighed. “But then I came home to find that she had made changes. She must have engaged the entire staff, because it was done in a single day and without my knowledge. I saw it all, and I looked at her, and Hargrave’s words came back to me.
Once she thinks she has a ring, she takes the power that comes with it. ”
Rowan traced his fingertip around the rim of his glass. “Are you trying to tell me that you believe him after all?”
“I am saying that there may be some truth to it. I do not want to doubt my wife, nor do I want to believe that she is a manipulative woman who is taking advantage of my mother and me, but I have to consider the possibility.”
“Do you? You know that I respect your judgment and that I value our friendship greatly, so I hope you listen very carefully. If you listen to a scorned man, you are a fool. Your wife has shown you who she is. Believe that, not some jealous fool that you took her from.”
With that, Rowan went to the curtains and opened them. Sunlight flooded the room, and though he appreciated it, Cassian wished to remain in the dark.
“You realize that you do this to yourself, no?” Rowan noted. “At this point, your misery is your own doing.”
“I am not miserable. It may be difficult for you to comprehend, but I can be content with a life that you would not desire for yourself. Besides, you like being alone just as much as I do.”
“I do not enjoy being alone; I enjoy my own company. There is a difference, and the fact that you refer to yourself as alone when you live with your mother and your wife is very telling.”
“And how else should I call it? I do not trouble them, they do not trouble me for the most part, and we exist in the same vicinity. It is as pleasant as it could be.”
“So you do not want more?”
Cassian was quiet for a moment.
“When I was younger, I would have expected something else,” he confessed. “Any child would have such ideals, but that is not what has happened. It is for the best that I am cordial with Adelaide, and I prefer it this way. She might not like it, but if she knew the truth, she would understand.”
“Very well. Tell her the truth, then.”
“I cannot, and you know exactly why. As it stands, she is at least able to live under the same roof as me. If she knew what I had done, she would leave.”
“That is to say, you have grown attached to her?”
“No, that is to say that I have a reputation to protect.”
But Rowan could see he was lying.
The truth was that Cassian had greatly enjoyed his time with Adelaide. Every time he saw her, he was more drawn in, and it terrified him. He was not supposed to fear anything at all, but the thought of her truly seeing him and knowing what he had done was enough to bring him to his knees.
“She will come to know eventually, especially with your mother in the house. Is it not best that she hears it from you?”
“My mother will not tell her, for the same reason I will not. She would not want a real scandal brought on the family a second time.”
“Very well then, do as you please. But do not come to me when this all goes terribly wrong, for I will only remind you that I tried to prevent it.”
Cassian was simply pleased that the conversation ended there.
“Now,” Rowan continued, “when will her friends arrive?”
“Next week, hence the drastic changes to the house. I rather like it, actually.”
“And I suppose that you are looking forward to the noise. It has always been so dreadfully quiet here, or at least it was before you got married.”
The faint notes of the pianoforte drifted up to their ears. It was a sweet and gentle sound, very pleasant, and it was something Cassian had grown accustomed to since his wife had moved in.
“I do not know if I am particularly excited about the noise, though they are duchesses, so I am expecting some semblance of refinement.”
“Isn’t Lady Cecilia Kingsman one of them? From what I heard, she was practically combative ten years ago. Do you suppose much has changed?”
“I hope so.” He grimaced.
Of course, Cassian had looked into his wife’s friends.
The gentlemen seemed fine enough, upstanding dukes who cared for their reputations, but their wives had apparently been difficult.
They had all changed. But then, given their positions, it was unlikely that anyone would dare say a word against them.
Frankly speaking, even though he had done everything he could to learn about them, he did not know what to expect.
“In any case, you are more than welcome to join us at any time. You must be lonely here, without the city’s entertainments.”
“I do prefer the city, but if I were to go there, people would assume I decided to take a wife—which I am not interested in doing yet. I was only there to keep you out of trouble.”
“And what a wonderful job you did.”
The two men laughed and settled into a lighter discussion about Rowan’s estates.
Cassian had expected to miss his bachelor days, but he did not. He thought of how everything had changed for the better since his wedding day, for the most part.
He liked that Adelaide had forced him to change slowly and that she did as she pleased, even if she was worried about the repercussions. She was never reckless, but there was a streak of determination in her that he could not help but admire.
When Rowan left, Cassian returned to his study and looked out the window.
Adelaide was sitting in the garden with a book, her hair loose.
It lifted in the breeze, at times being blown over her pages.
He watched intently as she brushed it over the back of her neck with her fingers, unable to look away.
She was so beautiful in her moments of calm, and yet he was also thrilled by her fieriness when she was angered. As tempestuous as she could be, these perfect quiet moments drew him to her, and he did not know what to make of that.
He did not like the quiet. It made him think, and that made him remember, and that was the worst thing he could possibly do.
He preferred distractions, having something in front of him that he could occupy himself with.
Still, he wished he could do as she did: sit outside in the calm and enjoy doing nothing.
Suddenly, an idea occurred to him. If she could push herself and become a duchess, then it would not be impossible for him to try something new.
He grabbed a book and went to join her. He could not overthink it, or else he would convince himself not to go, and he really wanted to.
“You would not mind company, I hope?” he asked, his tall frame casting a shadow over her.
Adelaide looked up at him with a small smile. “Not at all. Did you have something you wanted to discuss?”
“No, no, I simply wanted to sit with you for a while.”
She almost looked as though she did not believe him, but she scooted back to make space for him.
The sun felt warm on his skin, though he was aware that he had to be careful not to expose his scar. It would hurt dreadfully if it burned, and there would be no hiding it.
They remained silent for a while, and Cassian found that the darker thoughts did not come. He was able to read and otherwise exist without being reminded of every terrible thing he had ever done.
For the first time in a long while, his mind was quiet.
“Was your friend here?” she asked after a while. “I saw a carriage.”
“Yes. My apologies, I should have told you beforehand.”
“Only because I would have liked to see him. He is a good man, I can tell.”
“He truly is. He will make a lady very happy one day, though I do not believe he will ever decide that is what he wants.”
Adelaide laughed softly, closing her book. “My mama tells me that some gentlemen never do. But then, as they get older, they start having regrets. I hope that, if he makes that decision, he does not regret it.”
“What about the men who do marry and then regret it?”
“Men never regret marriage, not truly.”
He raised an eyebrow, for he had rarely heard such confidence in her tone. “Are you certain of that? Is that to say you are positive that I have no regrets?”
“Of course, or at least I should think so. You gentlemen find young ladies that you think are pretty and quiet and intelligent, but not too much of any of those things, and then you marry them. For the rest of your lives, they will always follow you, and only question your actions when it is the right thing to do.”
“And what of ladies? Do they ever have regrets?”
“That depends entirely on what the gentlemen offer.”
“And what would a lady want?”
But Cassian knew. A lady needed safety and wealth, not to mention status.
That was all they wanted, unless they were of the more foolish sort and thought that love was more important than anything.
It was not something that high society could have, as it was a rarity, and those who had it made certain that everyone knew about it.
“Well,” she replied, “you offer me a life of luxury. I shall never have to worry about anything again, as far as you are concerned, which means that I can spend my time acting as I see fit. Why would I regret that?”
He was surprised by her response, even though it made sense. When he thought of himself, it was hardly ever in a positive light, and he knew that he could have been a better husband to her. The thought of her seeing something else did not make sense to him.
“I suppose, when you put it that way…”
“Cassian,” she said in a firm but gentle tone, “I am happy here. Yes, some things could be better, but I know that you are doing what you can to be good to me. I am grateful for that.”
Somehow, her telling him that she was happy, even though he could do more, hurt more than it would have if she said she was unhappy. It was unfair that she could see the good in everything when, in truth, she had the right to be angry with him.
Then again, she had agreed to his terms from the beginning. She knew what he wanted, and she married him regardless. He was the better option, so she did what she had to do, and she was finding the good in it.
He saw the good in their marriage too, even though he knew he could give her more.
“Do you have anything planned before my friends arrive?” she asked.
“I do not, unless we are suddenly invited to another event. It is my hope that we might spend some time together, as I feel as though we have not had a moment alone.”
It was not what he had been thinking, but seeing how she brightened at once, he knew that it was the right thing to do.
He simply had to think of something first.