Chapter 27
Cassian wondered if his wife could tell that he was lying.
There was no business to attend to, but he knew it was the only way he could leave without her thinking he was abandoning her. That was not what he wanted to do at all, but he needed to leave. He needed to spend time alone before he lost his mind.
It was a lesson learned. He had been vulnerable with her, and she had taken it as an invitation to go too far. If that was how she was going to be, then he would not let her in again.
Not having anywhere to truly go, he decided to visit his friend.
Rowan was surprised to see him, but welcomed him in regardless.
“If that is what you insist on doing,” he sighed when Cassian explained everything, “then you are more foolish than I thought.”
“What else is there for me to do? I trusted her.”
“And she had more questions that you had not answered. I understand that you are unhappy with what she did, but that does not mean you can run away and hide. That is not anger; that is cowardice.”
“It is all much the same. The outcome is unchanged, in any case. Besides, she betrayed me by going into the west wing, so I have every right to do the same.”
“Ah, so you have decided to be just as bad. That makes perfect sense.”
“Would it hurt you to be kinder to me? I did not come here asking for your judgment.”
“No, but if you wanted pity, you would have sought a mistress. As you have not done so, it means that part of you wants to fix things. Therefore, it is only fair that I tell you what I think.”
“I will never take a mistress. I will not embarrass Adelaide like that.”
“No, because you care about her. I am pleased that we are in agreement.”
Rowan let the words sink in for a moment.
Cassian could not deny that he cared for his wife, but that was what made it hurt all the more when she disobeyed him. He knew that resisting her would be futile in the end, but he had hoped that she would at least prove that it was worth the risk.
“Must you always side with her?” he grumbled. “It feels as though every time we discuss something that has happened, you leap to her defense. You are supposed to be my friend.”
“Which I am. If I were not truly a friend to you, I would simply agree with every word you say, like those debutantes you so detest. I disagree with you because I think you will be making a mistake if you do not fix yourself.”
“The mistake was allowing her to—”
“The mistake was leaving rather than mending things. You can try to fool yourself into thinking you have done what is right, but we both know it is not. I can sit by and tell you that I am pleased if it is truly what you want, but we both know why you are here.”
“To see a friendly face.”
“To be told that you are wrong,” Rowan corrected. “You knew that I would tell you that I think you are foolish, and that is why you came here.”
“Do you think I am foolish?”
“Do you think she was truly trying to make you relive that night?”
Silence ensued.
Cassian instinctively reached for the scar on his neck. He only brushed it with his fingertips, but it felt like he was being burned all over again. He dropped his hand, wincing.
Having had time to think it through, he was not so certain that his wife had deliberately tried to push him. She had repeatedly told him that she was only trying to understand, but he had not believed a word of it.
It was what people had always done once they heard about the fire. They wanted to ask him for more and more details, and then they tried to fix him.
Cassian did not want to be fixed, only left alone, and he had told himself that was why he wanted Adelaide to stay out of it, but he was starting to realize that he was wrong.
What happened had scared him because he knew he wanted her to help him.
“I should not have lied to her,” he muttered.
“No, you should not have.”
“She must hate me.”
“I doubt that, but you will only know that if you go home.”
Cassian knew that, but his feet would not move. He did not want to see his house, to smell the faint scent of ash that always lingered. He wanted to forget that the building existed to begin with, but that meant not seeing his wife, and he needed to do that.
“She will be furious with me.”
“You say that as though you are afraid of her.”
“I am not afraid of her. I-I simply know that she wants me to be vulnerable, and that is not the sort of man I am.”
“But is it the sort of man you want to be? If so, you had better become him quickly, or else you will lose her. You said that her friends are to visit within the week?”
“They are. At least with them present, I will not have to worry that she is looking for me.”
“Perhaps not, but they will ask her about your marriage. From what I have heard, these are four formidable ladies. I would not recommend upsetting any of them, lest you be buried beneath the house you hate so much.”
Cassian had not considered that. He had agreed to welcome four dukes and their duchesses into his home, which meant there would be eight people prepared to cast their judgment on everything he did.
He had grown used to the stares and accusatory glances of the ton, but it was different knowing that his guests knew his wife well and did not know him at all. Which was his own fault, he supposed, for he had never made the effort to get to know the other dukes.
“I need to fix this,” he groaned.
“You do. Fortunately, I believe that is precisely what your wife wants, so she will be amenable to it.”
“I almost do not want that. You know what, I think this marriage might have been easier if she hated me. At least then, I would have no reason to do all of this. I could simply be one of those men who had an arrangement they loathed and nothing more. Instead, I am on my way to grovel.”
“You need not grovel, only apologize. You may also want to be honest about where you have been, for it will only come back to haunt you otherwise.”
“I know. She likely would not believe me if I said my plans had changed. However, there is just one small thing.”
Rowan raised a questioning eyebrow.
Cassian knew his friend would disagree with him, but he knew what had to be done.
“I will return in the morning,” he declared. “As it stands, tensions are too high. I shall give her time and then return to her. It also gives me the chance to buy her some gifts.”
Rowan chuckled, shaking his head at him. “Very well. You are welcome to stay the night, on the condition that I accompany you in your search for the gifts. If you are going to leave her alone all night, you need to return with something worth it.”
Cassian did not argue. Frankly speaking, he knew there was no convincing his friend.
There was still a part of him that did not even think he was wrong, but a larger part of him knew that he was.
He did not have to accuse Adelaide the way he had, and she deserved better than him doing so and then leaving.
Eventually, they left for the village. Cassian knew that he would have to choose something beautiful to earn her forgiveness.
“I do not think it is only for this that I should apologize,” he murmured as they walked.
“Oh? What do you mean by that?”
“It is everything. All this time, I have simply said that she knew what our marriage would be like, that she was not to be hurt when I was not a good husband. But I was wrong. I could have been a far better man, and I was not.”
“Then tell her that. You need not make things more complicated than necessary. If you feel something, then tell her. Had you done that to begin with, you would not be here now. You would be helping her prepare for her friends’ visit.”
“You say that as though I would be of any use. That is for a lady to do.”
Rowan raised an eyebrow in response.
Cassian knew why. His mother had said such things so many times that he had internalized them, and though he did not want to believe in them, they were difficult to unlearn.
“You never told me how things are with your mother. Is she warming up to her?”
“At a frightening pace, yes. I had thought that they would loathe one another and keep their distance, but my mother seems to enjoy her company, and it feels as though she wants Adelaide to crave her approval. I do not know quite what to do with that.”
“Rejoice, of course. It makes your life much easier, does it not?”
“Not when my mother hates me. She blames me for my father’s death to this day, and that will inevitably make Adelaide blame me for it.”
“That is not true.”
“You did not see the way she looked at me when I told her the truth.”
Cassian did not think that Adelaide had noticed it, but he had. She had shrunk back, and he had seen the disappointment in her eyes. She had been unable to meet his eyes after that, and though she had sworn that she was not passing judgment, he had felt it.
To her, he was no longer this impossible man who was above her. He was just a man, plain and simple, and a deeply flawed one at that. It did not matter that she claimed not to dislike him for that; he knew that she did.
“If you ask me,” Rowan said thoughtfully, “I would say that it was a surprise more than anything. You told her something very difficult to hear, as well as live through. More to the point, do you think that I have any less respect for you?”
“You are the exception. You already knew what had happened, and you never treated me differently.”
“And you know that because you gave me time to prove it. Give your wife the chance, and I assure you that she will prove herself in the same way.”
Though Cassian did not believe his friend, he wanted to.
He wanted to trust Adelaide, for in truth, she had not given him reason not to, and if he wanted a better life for both of them, he needed to act as though he did.
She had always tried with him, and he had to meet her halfway.
He did not stay that night. Instead, he traveled back home, his gift tucked in his pocket, ready for him to give her the moment he saw her.
But when he returned, she was not there.