Chapter 28
“If this is what he wants, then so be it.”
Iris smiled when Adelaide said it.
Adelaide had expected to be devastated by Cassian’s departure, but she found that she was not. There was an emptiness inside her, but not the anguish that she knew one should feel when abandoned.
“You are making the right decision, dearest,” Iris said softly. “I can only hope that you will now listen to me. He is a bad man.”
“Has he always been like this? He seemed like a man who was willing to fight, given what he did to Hargrave, but now…”
“He does what serves him best. It served him to assert his authority over that man, so he did. Now that it is better for him to run away, that is what he has done. I tried to warn you about him.”
“You did. You did, and I should have listened to you. I thought that you misunderstood him, that is all.”
Iris laughed ruefully as she guided her to the drawing room. Adelaide let her, taking a seat and staring at the newly decorated walls. The faint smell of paint lingered, and she wished she had never touched it at all.
Everything she did to better their lives seemed to anger her husband, whether he had his reasons or not, and at last she understood that it would never change.
“A mother knows her son,” Iris explained, standing by the window. “He is a decent enough duke, I will not deny that. But when it comes to being personable… well, he has always fallen short.”
Adelaide turned to her then, her head tilted. “Do you mean to say that you have always felt that way? Even before the—before the fire?”
“Indeed. When he was a boy, I was concerned that he would never be allowed to keep his title when he inherited it. He was quiet, and he avoided confrontation like the plague. Every time I tried to punish him, he would run away from me, hiding behind his father or the housekeeper. He questioned my authority at every opportunity, and I knew he would be tempted to do the same once he inherited the duchy.”
That was not what Adelaide thought at all. Then again, Cassian had used his position to scare Hargrave away. He had also used it as a shield when people questioned his absence.
He was never hiding from anything, only performing his ducal duties. Not to mention the fact that he always ran away when things got hard.
“In any case,” Iris continued, “it will be nice to spend these days together, without my son casting a shadow over us. I always wanted a daughter, you know, but my husband and I were never blessed again. Cassian is all I have.”
And he was not perfect. Iris’s one attempt at proving herself as a wife and mother was imperfect, which meant that she was, too.
Adelaide knew that was how Iris felt, why she was so harsh toward him, and she wondered just how much damage that had done. Just how much damage had been done before the fire.
“Yes.” She nodded. “It will be nice to spend time together. I shall also need assistance with the preparations for my friends’ visit. Will you be joining us at all?”
“Oh, goodness, no. If there is one thing that ball taught me, it is that I am far too old for such gatherings now. I prefer my own company—with you being an exception, of course. I never thought that I would grow to like the lady my son chose for a wife, but you, Adelaide, are everything I could have ever wanted.”
Adelaide thanked her, and after a brief silence, Iris left the room.
She truly wanted to be grateful for such high praise, but she did not feel that way. All she could feel, even though she was still angry, was sympathy for her husband.
He had never been enough for her, though he had for his father. Then, he lost the only person who cared about him.
She could not bear to think about how he must have felt, trapped in a house with his mother, the one person who was supposed to care for him more than anyone else in the world, and have her berate him often. It was no wonder that he used to hide from her as a boy.
Suddenly, she did not like how the drawing room looked. Once again, she had made the house feel as though it was not his, as though it belonged to everyone but him. She walked out of the room, crossed the hall, and then stepped out the front door.
The garden was bright from the sun, but clouds were approaching. A light breeze ruffled her hair, and though it was the last thing she wanted to see, her eyes fell on the west wing. What remained of it caused a lump to form in her throat.
With how Cassian was, she knew that there would be no changing it, and that it would always be a part of the house. It would always be a part of her husband, too.
And yet she still did not want to push him away.
She felt like one of those foolish young ladies that Cecilia mocked, the ones who simpered to their husbands and smiled meekly to their fathers and did anything they could to earn the approval of the men around them.
But she could not feel anger. All she had to do was imagine for a moment how Cassian had felt throughout his life, and she understood him.
But she wanted to be furious. She did not want to make excuses for the fact that he was a man who had no control over his life.
“Are you all right, Your Grace?”
Adelaide turned to see Lilly watching her. Her eyes showed concern, and she did not quite know what to say.
“Yes, Lilly, quite. I simply… well, there is no use in pretending that I am pleased with my husband.”
“I can see,” Lilly replied, and Adelaide gestured for her to take a seat beside her. “May I speak freely?”
“Always.”
“I think that it is good to have some time to yourself.”
Adelaide did not see it that way. She was lonely enough as it was without being abandoned entirely.
“You see,” Lilly continued, “for the past while, you have been a wife, and a duchess, and a daughter-in-law. You have been trying to unravel a mystery and fix the house. Well, now you have redecorated, and now you know the truth. With all of that done, perhaps it is time for you to rediscover who you are.”
“I do not know who I am. I have not known for a long time.”
“Since you ended your engagement with Mr. Hargrave?”
Adelaide nodded.
But if she were being honest with herself, she had not known long before that.
When she had met Hargrave, she felt herself losing who she was until she was a shell.
She was not allowed to have any passions and could only do what he deemed acceptable.
She did it all without complaint, knowing that it was expected of her, and the one time she was true to herself and ended it, it almost ruined her.
She had learned her lesson once; she did not want to be taught it twice.
“Well,” Lilly considered, “with your husband absent, perhaps we could visit the village tonight? We could go to the tavern, and you can be your truest self.”
“How? I would still be perceived as the Duchess, and people would treat me differently.”
“But you can be yourself. Believe me, Your Grace, it will help you if that is what you want.”
Adelaide considered. It was not ideal, and she knew that it would not be a completely genuine experience, but it would be something for her alone. Not only that, but the risk of escaping into the night was precisely what she wanted.
She wanted to be reckless and to show her husband that she, too, could be difficult if she wanted.
If he was going to leave, then she was going to act as though his absence did not matter to her.
And so, after dinner, she donned a cloak and met Lilly in the hallway. When she reached the door, she faltered, wondering if it was such a good idea after all. And that was all the time Iris needed to catch up to them.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “It is rather late.”
“We are going to the tavern,” Adelaide replied. “I wanted to enjoy my evening, and as I do not need to ask permission, it will be easier tonight.”
She could have sworn that she could see a glimmer of respect in the older woman’s eyes.
“Very well, then. Do enjoy yourself, but do not do anything too rash.”
“I would not dream of it.”
But as their carriage pulled away, Adelaide had to acknowledge that the thought crossed her mind. How brilliant, to have Cassian receive word that she had brought scandal upon them in his absence. It would infuriate him, force him to come home. And give her the attention she wanted.
She pushed the thought out of her mind. She was going to spend an evening without him, and she was going to enjoy herself. True, she was a wife, but that was not all she was.
When they pulled up to the tavern, she felt that she had made the best decision. Pulling her cloak tightly around her, they entered, and to her surprise, very few people turned to look at her.
“Good evening, Your Grace,” the owner greeted. “Is His Grace going to join you?”
“Not tonight,” she replied. “He is away, and I wished to see everyone.”
“Well, you are more than welcome here. Come, I shall arrange a room for you. I assume you are accepting visitors, yes?”
“Certainly,” she nodded, following him into the room.
The fire was warm, and as she settled in, she thought about how nice it would have been to be joined by Cassian. It was a most inviting room, intimate, and it would have been perfect had he not run away.
But he had, so the night was her own.
After a short while, an older lady entered, followed by two others, and each curtseyed. Adelaide wondered if she would ever grow accustomed to being treated in such a manner, for she had never expected to become a duchess.
“We were not expecting to see you, Your Grace,” the older lady began.
“Oh? Is it odd for me to frequent the tavern? I know it might not be the most… proper thing to do, but I thought it would be nice.”
“It is, of course, and we are more than happy to see you. It is the Dowager Duchess. You see, she has us all under the impression that you do not like all of this. She has told us that you are—”
“Helena!” one of the younger ladies hissed.
Adrelaide looked between them, curious. “It is quite all right,” she assured. “I will not be angry with you. If anything, I would prefer to know the truth.”
“Well, she has said that you are every bit the recluse that His Grace is, and that you would rather die than come to see us.”
Adelaide felt like she had been pelted with stones.